Ex signed son up to play for football

[Heyheyhey888]

I’ve got three children with ex partner . My son is a really good football player and has gotten into to playing for the county . He already does football and rugby etc ( as well as my other children so we have a busy schedule of constant training , games , work etc ) among this I also have a baby ( baby’s dad works away so I’m home all week days alone ) anyway HE has signed him up and he’s got though .. I’m so proud of him BUT it now turns out that training is the one day in the week I have the three children ( we share half and half )so I’m expected to take a baby , a 6 year old to training every week that’s half hour away from 8-9pm !! So won’t be home until half 9 ! I have no family to help ( he has lots ) not only this all the games are at least 4-5 hours away ! And I don’t like driving , then there’s the cost , I just can’t afford to do this as I’ll have to stay in hotels etc but not only that I’ll probably have to take the baby sometimes . I know it’s in the interest of my son but I just can’t logically see how I can do it but I feel like he will make out I’m a bad mother if I don’t . This was him signing him up in the first place . Am I being unreasonable and unfair to say no ? I already help him by taking kids to school on his set days and I’m just exhausted with all the other games and things they play every week as it is

Personally I’d just say no, if your ex can’t do it. Children need downtime to o & you’ll end up running yourself into the ground. The ex can’t discuss these things with you before signing your son up on your days!?

I totally understand OP - it's not nice to have to disappoint your child but unfortunately if you can'y find a way around it then you will need to. I suggest your ask your Ex (who signed him up) how he thinks your DS is going to get there and if he can't come up with a solution then he will need to tell your DS that it's not possible.

Also be honest with your son.
Tell him as Daddy signed him up, it is up to Daddy to sort it all out, as you can’t have a young child out at that time of night, nor can you afford to do the overnight stays.

Can your DH mind the youngest every second week, if you and ex DH do a week on week off.
I would move mountains to be there.
He has been through a lot of changes, parents separating, new partner, new siblings, parents who don't have time between them to support his dream, has ex DH another child too?

Is there anyone in the team doing similar y re travel? Could you offer to take and someone else can bring home? At 12 they won’t need someone to stay

I think its really important to stand your ground on it too. Do not compromise.
As others have said. Bat it back to the ex.
He mustnt think that he can set up big commitments like this. Get the glory, and that a woman will sort out the logistics.
He needs to make a big effort here. Id expect him to rearrange his work schedule or deal with your sons disappointment. Your ex doesnt have the luxury of having you running around doing what he organises. Youre not his little stay at home wife. If there is even the slightest sniff that this is your problem, bat it straight back.

An occasional event is nice to be flexible and accomodating about bc it works both ways, but this is a huge commitment.

Then his father can move mountains can't he instead of laying it all on OP with no discussion

Mum doesn't say he can't do it. Mum says I can't do it, your dad will have to.

This isn't on her and she needs to get out of that firing line and put dad back in it where he belongs. None of this is on her. But still, I don't think emphasising the big deal is helpful. Kids can fantasise but then there's the reality. It's not a big deal because it's not happening and he'll have to cope with it like the zillion kids who don't get to star in West End shows or go to Olympics or whatever else. If it makes him more determined to get there in future, all good. If it permanently damages his relationship with his mother - which it shouldn't and likely won't - and makes him a bitter husk, then I'd say he's not got what it takes anyway.

Terrible idea to put that to the DC.

Would you speak to a friend in real life like this ?

No it isn’t the mum can frame it so her son understands, that his dad signed him up and she can’t do it.
My daughter wanted to do something at that age, I could no afford to take her, in time or money.
i told her sometimes this happens.

Don't do this. Her ex's behaviour is sub-optimal to say the least, but this is a kid with a dream that's been given an opportunity that's rare and reflective of his talent.

It's much bigger than either parent washing their hands of it.

Saying no is reasonable, but do try everything first, even if it's awkward or embarrassing to ask for help - that is less important than your DS.

Could another parent take him to training and in return Ex takes their son to the weekend matches?
Any teenage cousins nearby who could babysit the others while you take him?
Tell the club that the new day is really hard for you, is it definitely a long term change or might it change back to Ex's day? Is there anything they can suggest?
If there's a club WA or FB group, post on there asking if anyone could lift share, dropping him at 8 and coming home would be okay if someone else can bring him back.
Ex also needs to get over any embarrassment of asking and try to switch his shifts.

Even if you end up saying no, the fact you tried everything will make it easier for DS to accept

This is one thing people don’t think about when they’re having kids, it’s not the 12 year old’s fault his mother went and had another child with someone who’s not around to actually parent! How do you support each child when there’s such an age gap! He’s missing out because of it!

They can share the load.
Week on, week off.
It isn't ex DH problem that OP had another baby either.
Both parents are busy for different reasons, both impacts DS future.
They need to meet in the middle.
It is what happens in blended families when the babies come along.

The child has 2 parents, your shaming the mother, expecting HER to bend, The is another parent, the one who caused this. Why does the mum have to clean up the dads mess?

This isn't a normal club. Very few boys achieve this level or opportunity.
He'll never forgive his parents.

Well, if you can’t take him and his dad can’t take him, then your son can’t go. Simple.

I would find a way to make it work. I have different aged children and a husband who worked shift so the onus was on me to get the older kids to their training session. It's part of life. I appreciate op didn't sign up for it but it sounds like a big opportunity. Training night may even change down the line. A sitter for the 6 year old perhaps. A local 16 year old. They can split the cost? I'd bring the baby personally and put them in their pyjamas.

Op, can your ex flex his work a bit? I bet he can. I’d say you have zero extra capacity to have this dumped in your lap, and I can’t do it unless he can do all the school runs on his days, starting next week he will have to do that. And I think he’d probably decide he could do the training? And worst case you have 1 or 2 less school runs a week and one late night instead?

This way you can say to ds that you said you could take him if he would do the school runs on his own day but he wouldn’t do anything.

Your ex is a dick. It sounds like he’s done this to make you feel guilty to me. At 12 your son is old enough to feel disappointed but also understand that it’s not you that has arranged it and therefore disappointed him.

Personally this would be the straw that broke the camels back and the other favours such as taking the kids to school on his day would also stop, he’s got 6 weeks to arrange something.

I doubt they have any with that attitude.

It's the county club so there'll likely be u-14s and u-18s, so it's not the only chance he'll have to play for them if he's really that good. They've offered the place, if the parents can't get him there this time, and the club can't help with that, then at least he's on their radar for next time. Again, I don't think amping up the make or break nature of this or how damaged DS/relationship will be is helpful. He's only 12 and there are other siblings with needs that don't simply vanish because of his footballing dreams. He can still play football endlessly from now until the next time it's possible and if he's still good enough to make the grade, he'll get in, and OP will have had the notice she needed to plan for it - and the dad who caused all this can change his shifts and do his bit instead of making it all the OP's problem.

You could scupper your ex by helping,
At 12 your son could take a taxi each way to training. There are lists of checked people, whom are safe to transport children to events.
Then you tell your ex any matches are His responsibility.
if your son is as good as you think there may even be chaperoning available.
it would cost you £30 , or his dad could even bring him home.
I still would leave it to the Dad. But it is an idea.