Ex signed son up to play for football

[Heyheyhey888]

I’ve got three children with ex partner . My son is a really good football player and has gotten into to playing for the county . He already does football and rugby etc ( as well as my other children so we have a busy schedule of constant training , games , work etc ) among this I also have a baby ( baby’s dad works away so I’m home all week days alone ) anyway HE has signed him up and he’s got though .. I’m so proud of him BUT it now turns out that training is the one day in the week I have the three children ( we share half and half )so I’m expected to take a baby , a 6 year old to training every week that’s half hour away from 8-9pm !! So won’t be home until half 9 ! I have no family to help ( he has lots ) not only this all the games are at least 4-5 hours away ! And I don’t like driving , then there’s the cost , I just can’t afford to do this as I’ll have to stay in hotels etc but not only that I’ll probably have to take the baby sometimes . I know it’s in the interest of my son but I just can’t logically see how I can do it but I feel like he will make out I’m a bad mother if I don’t . This was him signing him up in the first place . Am I being unreasonable and unfair to say no ? I already help him by taking kids to school on his set days and I’m just exhausted with all the other games and things they play every week as it is

You’ve gotten yourself into a total panic over something which is a non event. You can’t do it, so the answer is no. That’s literally all there is to it. But look at the posts you’ve written; you’ve worked yourself into a state. It’s ridiculous. Tell your ex no. What is the issue here?

I get it OP.

He’s set your son up for disappointment and left you to be the bad guy who has to say no.

I would have a talk with your son and explain that this isn’t possible with other commitments. Ask him what he wants, he may not want to play that much. If he does explain to him that you aren’t able to facilitate it and it isn’t because you can’t be bothered.

Telling ex ‘no’ isn’t always easy and at least by talking to your son you can show him the silliness of the situation and help him be more aware than your ex is.

In the nicest possible way, with 3 children of a range of different ages to care for you really really need to advocate for yourself, be assertive and toughen up a little bit. Otherwise you'll burn out.
Think of it as being strong for your kids.
You can't pour from an empty cup.
You matter. Never feel guilty for saying no to unreasonable demands

Presumably he has messaged to say training is now on Mondays, so you just reply “that’s a shame, it won’t be possible to get him there”

Tell your son that you’d love to do it but it just isn’t physically possible. That he needs to get his dad to sort it out or he won’t be able to do it, much as you would love that for him.

Then throw it back to xh.

He has other family, would one of them help on that day? Or maybe there are others from the area you could liftshare with. Either way it is for your ex to facilitate. How old is the third child with him?

The only person to blame here is your ex. He signed up your DS without even asking you. So it's his responsibility to take him to the training or find somebody who can.

But all the crying face emojis in the world don't change that you cannot do this. So his father who signed him up either changes his work schedule to accommodate it or he can't go. I don't get what the angst is about. This is always going to be an issue where you've got a partner working away and a 12 year age gap between children even if they all had the same father. Tween/teen clubs are often later in the evenings and babies need to sleep.

Bit of a different view....
Or am I reading your post wrong...

If your DS is all ready signed up and plays for county how is he going to manage playing for 2 teams on match days?

I think id be clear to ex and your son that this is something that is between them, and you are really proud of him achieving the place and you really hope that exes work can be changed to make it happen.

Your ex doesnt get to sign you up to massive inconvenience. You already have a lot on, and this is his problem.
If your son starts expecting you to do it, tell him that he needs to speak to his dad that has been arranging the whole thing, because this ones for his dads side of the family to do.

Do you think this a helpful way to speak to people?

Ex signed him up, ex can figure it out.
It does sound like a good opportunity for him though, I would try and work something out between the two of you, family and scrounging lifts from the rest of the team. Or could he bus there and you collect him? Part and parcel of having such large age gaps is that sometimes it's a juggling act. Your baby's dad needs to be pulling his weight with baby too so your older DC don't have to miss out.

This is bad role modelling for your 3 kids if you can’t assert yourself to maintain boundaries. Saying no to things is sometimes necessary. It’s not about ‘not caring’. It’s saying “sorry son, I know you’re disappointed but we just can’t do it at this moment in time.” Job done. No need for angst.

So all of the kids won’t actually get to sleep until 10:00pm on a school night, that’s very late.

You can’t physically do it.

I would try everything I could to make it work because it sounds like a good opportunity but if you can’t do it, you can’t do it.

If you want him to go then I would try and get a babysitter for the 6yo so they can go to bed at a decent hour - does ex’s family not live close by?

Taking the baby will be fine but it’s the 6yo that is going to struggle.

It’s quite easy really, you tell your ex he is welcome to come pick the child up to take him to training and games etc, you can’t do it because your already committed to other things on that date. If he then says he can’t because of work then just ask him why does he think you should be put out and have to rearrange your existing plans if he isn’t willing to do that himself, bearing in mind he’s the one who applied. If he can’t do it then the child can’t go

I would take him tbh.
It seems very late for training and is the training really only once a week an hour? For county level that is not a lot.
Id try and do bath and pyjamas etc first and just bundle the little ones in. Mine all slept in the car at this age.

County are ruthless and your 12 yrqr old son is obviously very talented.

Yes also a babysitter would be a good call and i would suggest sharing the cost of this with DH so your 12 year old doesn't miss out

There’s no way you can commit to this. Your ex will need to take him - can you change days around to accomdate this?

He was unreasonable to sign him up without discussing it with you beforehand. And that's exactly what I'd say to both your son and your ex.

I had a very similar thing happen to me. I was very assertive (which I find hard with the ex) and just said I can't do that. The end. You arranged it. You either accommodate it or manage the fall out/disappointment

You need to find a local babysitter to stay with the little ones if you want to facilitate this & split half the cost with your Ex.
I’m sure once you’re in the swing of term then there will be others with whom you can lift share or pay them to take son.

There were a few things that DH wanted DC's to do (I hate football) so it was a matter of if you want them to do it you have to be home in time to do it.
There was even a time that if they didn't get into school X he wanted school Y miles away I wanted school Z - if they go to school Y you must take them collect them and do the emergency stuff.
Put your foot down OP

At county level, you dont really 'sign up'.....you have to have trials or be scouted and then you get invited.

Can;t you get your son signed up somewhere locally in the holidays for football? Think about the impact on your other children and your physical and mental health.

Match days can be dealt with by your ex. Monday training, you drop off and he collects?