Ex signed son up to play for football

[Heyheyhey888]

I’ve got three children with ex partner . My son is a really good football player and has gotten into to playing for the county . He already does football and rugby etc ( as well as my other children so we have a busy schedule of constant training , games , work etc ) among this I also have a baby ( baby’s dad works away so I’m home all week days alone ) anyway HE has signed him up and he’s got though .. I’m so proud of him BUT it now turns out that training is the one day in the week I have the three children ( we share half and half )so I’m expected to take a baby , a 6 year old to training every week that’s half hour away from 8-9pm !! So won’t be home until half 9 ! I have no family to help ( he has lots ) not only this all the games are at least 4-5 hours away ! And I don’t like driving , then there’s the cost , I just can’t afford to do this as I’ll have to stay in hotels etc but not only that I’ll probably have to take the baby sometimes . I know it’s in the interest of my son but I just can’t logically see how I can do it but I feel like he will make out I’m a bad mother if I don’t . This was him signing him up in the first place . Am I being unreasonable and unfair to say no ? I already help him by taking kids to school on his set days and I’m just exhausted with all the other games and things they play every week as it is

It sounds like there a far too many clubs and each DC probably needs to decide which club is their priority. Then you and ex can work out how to navigate a smaller and more manageable regime.

Clearly it's unfair for a baby to be trailed around here there and everywhere, and the baby is your main priority. However, it sounds like the issue is an ex with poor communication skills and far too many clubs between your existing DC.

Your ex will need to sort his work out so he can take him

No, the ex can pay for the babysitter in full if this is an option. Its still putting the OP out at massive inconvenience for something she wasn't even asked about signing up to so if shes going to facilitate taking son then ex pays babysitter in full

I agree

Well, he’ll have to change his work schedule won’t he? Stop scrambling around trying to make life easy for this man. He arranges something for your son, he facilitates it. Job done.

I’m married to Dh, but we have a dc who does a sport that finishes at 9pm some days. Dh has changed his work days around so he is home to run her to training on those days while I do bedtime with younger one.

You can’t be in two places at once, so your ex needs to sort it, which of course he would do if this was actually about supporting your son and not controlling you.

This really is quite easy: Ex either takes him or he can't go. Not every child can attend every club they want. I don't understand why you moan about how hard it would be to take him. You don't. It really is that simple.

He'll have to change his work day then

He signed him up, he can take him.

Can you swap days?

He should have discussed the logistics with you before signing him up. Now he’s done it, he needs to find a way to make it work without relying on you. He will have to contact the club to see if he can arrange a lift share with other parents. It’s the only way if he can’t take him.

Is there someone who could babysit for the younger DC so you could take your son? Your ex could facilitate this - maybe PIL? Or pay for a sitter? I'd hate for my DS to miss out on this honour at county level too, so I'd try everything to make it happen & understand your distress. The ideal scenario is for your ex to rearrange his work schedule & take him himself.

No stress - you cannot make it happen, he can find a solution to make it happen if it matters to him so much.

Is it a professional league club he has passed trials for? And the matches are against other professional league clubs? If so there is usually a team coach that takes them to and from matches and he would have had to pass trials so is going to be fairly talented. If so I would be working hard with ex to find a workable solution to this including dropping some of his other clubs.

At 12 can he go in a taxi (paid for by your ex or split between you) with one of you in contact with him on the phone while he’s in the taxi?

If the training days change it seems like even more of a shame for him to miss out due to what May only be a temporary problem.

Yes i agree with trying to find a way to prioritise a son playing football for his county over other wants and needs.

County is normally the FA and not a pro club however.

Its kind of a really big deal, the next level is playing for England national youth team!

He is an idiot.

It is unfair on your DS too. Can you drop him off and collect from training, you don't need to hang around. Ex DH can drive to the matches, although the little ones would have to go with you.

You're not a shit DM, sadly, when there's smaller sibling's or a big family, the older children miss out.

DS has a few pals who cannot attend evening sports for similar reasons.
You can only stretch so far.

If you do decide to go, many parents share the load, offer lifts to matches etc. We always have an extra child on match days.

This

Your son is twelve. Two trainings and two matches per week are enough, along with his school work.
Discuss the matter realistically with your ex. because you can not be in two places at once and you have two or three other children to consider.

Options ..
The ex changes the day on which he works late and is totally in charge of the new team training and games etc. He also meets the extra costs.
Son stops playing for one of the other teams. He needs to make a choice because you are not Superwoman.
Look into ride sharing with a couple of the other team members. Take turns or your ex paying the costs of another family taking your son along to trainings etc..
Daughter asks grandparents to take her to dancing.

I would actually do all i can to make this work if I could, the 12 year old will remember opportunities he had to turn down because Mum has another baby (unfortunately he won't remember it as Dad got me excited and signed up without thinking it through). There are options.

Dad changes work pattern
Dad pays for regular babysitter for younger children
Dad pays for taxi to and from training (or you go halves maybe, can't be accused of putting a spanner in the works then).

Further away games Dad or a family member has to do the journey.

I get it, I've been there with busy kids with wildly different interests ands travelling across the country- and to an extent you would always have had a degree of this having children with such age gaps. Its for a relatively short time, it can usually be done if the will is there (from Dad too)
.

What about this child's school work??
No mention of that.
He needs to also focus his energies on school as sport is a risky path to concentrate on at that age.

Of course yanbu, there are loads of other children to consider.

He signed him up.
100% his responsibility to sort out completely.
Do not engage with this.
Far too late for other children to be dragged out.

You send this to your ex.
Dear Ex
i am so pleased your have taken an interest in our sons football progress.
As we spoke about originally, I personally do not have the logistics to facilitate this venture, and so you will be totally responsible for all transport and expenses connected to this venture.
I am willing to swap any parentally days as you need for you to cover away events.
thanks our child’s mother.

My issue is the Ex works late on this particular day so he can’t do it anyway

And you can't do it either. So it's a 'sorry but it's impossible' hard luck and move on scenario. There'll be other opportunities and you're already doing loads by the sounds of it. Don't make too big a deal of it. None of it was your doing and it's way too much to ask. Don't get sucked into any 'what if I'm ruining his life' spirals. My neighbour's son was brilliant at tennis and she took him all over for it until he reached 16, got sick of it (and/or realised he'd never win Wimbledon) and gave it up. These things can seem like make or break when you're 12, but if he's that good, he'll get other opportunities, and in the meantime he'll learn to take the knock and keep going, which is a good lesson for any sports people.

Thing is, it really is a big deal. I think some PPs think it's just another team. And it isn't. He was probably scouted to attend the trials, and then won a place after the trials. Everyone will say wow. He will be fantasising about his future with [insert name of premiership club]. And to then have to say. "But mum says I can't do it" is likely to permanently damage her relationship with her ds .

My sympathy is completely with the OP, but she is caught up in the firing line now.

You are not being unreasonable.

He is. It may be entirely unintentional, football will absolutely be great for your son, help him develop bla bla bla - but he has failed to consider you and the family. You'll sort it ... somehow.

Or it may be a Machiavellian move to make himself look like fab dad - while landing all the logical shit on your head.

Only you know.

I agree the football is a good thing.

So he will have to make inconvenient changes to make it happen.

Come and collect your son, take him, bring him back to yours.

Or you'll need to change the days he spends at your various houses.

As they grow things will change, compromises and planning shifts will have to happen.

You need a clear assertive statement to your ex setting out exactly why what he thinks is going to happen - won't. And stick to it. Anticipate accusations of bad motherage and be ready with your counter examples of exactly what you did to care for his children while they are with you.

I would move heaven and earth to make it happen, based on my personal experience where my son couldn't play for a football team because me and his dad split up, and he LOVES football, and I feel truly awful about it.

So your ex needs to change his late working night, and you need to better balance the days that you have the kids, and it'll all be a massive ballache but I'd want to sit down with my ex to see how we could make it happen.

YANBU to feel like it's unworkable as it is, though.