Father in law said he couldn’t come help us because he’d be too FKD

[Starlightbright200]

Hello! I’ve just hashed it out with my father in law but I feel like I need an outsiders perspective to know if I’m being overly sensitive or if this is behaviour to expect.

I recently gave birth to DC 3 a couple of days ago but it was whilst I was pregnant my FIL really pissed me off. My partner and him have a good enough relationship but they’ve definitely had struggles particularly since we’ve had kids. For my partner it highlights his dads absence and lack of support when he’s been really struggling. My MIL who is no longer with FIL is going through chemo and whilst she has always offered support we dont feel it’s fair to take it, knowing that she’s also physically struggling. Her partner is also useless and is a functioning alcoholic so she doesn’t have the best support herself. She is also based really far from us. My mum has helped us the most in the past and I would say she is our main support if we need it but she isnt that close by either, she is also 10-15 years older than my in laws and single. I’ve also found she doesnt actually like having to make the long journey and doesn’t always willingly want to help as she’s older so we try not to ask much. We are actually very self sufficient as we do so much ourselves and pay for nursery and baby sitters if we have the spare money but it’s never to do anything for fun it will literally only be for childcare whilst at work. In fact all of our family support is still just for this. I think in the five years of having kids we’ve been to the cinema once on our parents time. We’ve never done anything else!

My DH missed the birth of DC2 because we didn’t have childcare in place in the middle of the night and because of this we asked my mum to come stay with us until the baby was born 2 weeks before due date. A really big ask but she agreed. 2 weeks pass and we feel like she really needs a rest because she’s been helping out so much around the house whilst I focus on all the childcare and my partner is at work. We really want to give her some respite so we ask FIL if we paid for his train fare (because he’s used cost of travel a reason for not coming in the past and he lives 2 hours away) would he come for the weekend just so my mum can rest and come back. His reply was “sorry I can’t it’s my works end of year do and I will be out eating and drinking all day, sorry it’s not my fault it’s this week” My partner then said well could you just come on the Saturday morning instead and leave Sunday and his response was “sorry I’ll be too FKD” My partner sarcastically said thanks for your help and his FIL said “it’s not my fault it’s on the same day. Don’t wanna fall out with you over this”

Is this normal behaviour to expect? Were we asking too much? I personally was shocked by the order of priorities but also zero offer of an alternative day or week. we said absolutely nothing back.

fast forward to today..
FIL’s wife keeps in touch and asking about the baby but I feel resentful in wanting to share much detail because FIL hasn’t said checked in at all about baby’s arrival. I explained the birth was chaotic, my partner was worried the baby had died and that whilst we were all doing ok the journey here was quite traumatic. I kept asking why FIL still hadn’t called his son despite knowing this information so he sends me a message by way of her instagram saying he hasn’t heard anything for three weeks because he thought we were annoyed at him. I urge him to call his son himself and not talk to me about it. Hours pass and I have enough and call him and we hash it out. He says I’m not the boss of him, he didn’t want to not go to his work outing, he wanted to go to it and he wasn’t not going to go because he has plans. He then says more excuses as to why he won’t come such as I hate London, I hate trains. No one’s going to change me, I’m not gonna be the father he wants so we are never gonna be ok. I was thinking, he literally just wants you to visit!?! What the fuck is he actually asking of you that is so wild. He also said I’m not at your beck and call… this is the only time we asked you to come down and we thought the reason was pretty valid!?

when we go to where he lives, he is hands on with our kids and they really enjoy each others company. But that happens about 4 times a year. there is zero effort ever to put himself out or to come to us.

am I being ubreasonable in thinking he should’ve at least offered an alternative day he could do some heavy lifting instead of a 72 year old woman? Or is this a common mistake to think this way.

Stop having babies. Your family sound pretty helpful when needed, like most of the other posters we didn’t have any support at all due to parents being older living far away so we just have 2 children and accepted it was all on us.

Xylo, what you're saying implies that men are unreliable so women won't even 'go' there and have kids. That's the problem. This thread exemplifies how women keep finding excuses for useless men. That's not liberation, that's giving up.

So women should expend even more labour trying to fix the problem of useless men? When does it end?

He had plans. Why should he change them ?

Because his grandchild was due to be born!! What sort of sick, pathologically-individualistic society are we becoming, where people think it's unreasonable to ask your own parents to sack off their own social plans just once, to help you out for the birth of a child??!!

Yep. MN's definition of family is DNA accidentally shared with people you don't like.
And think of the internalised misogyny spread out across all these pages on this thread. Where's the feminist crowd when we need them?

The grandad's own words were that he wouldn't be able to babysit the following day because he'd be too hungover from getting "FKD" the night before. I swear most of the people in this thread didn't even read the OP properly.

I can’t imagine not wanting to help my own children if they asked me.But then it’s not something that grandparents have to do either. We don’t have a huge amount of support- don’t see husbands family at all, not seen my dad for years and my mum simply does not babysit. I do have an aunt who helps with childcare if I’m in labour. husband hasn’t been able to attend a single appointment or scan this pregnancy despite it being very eventful- as our trust has a no kids policy, for example. I’m ok with it- in my choice to have kids and generally me and my husband work it all out between ourselves.

With your mum- I can understand her being there incase you have a quick labour. I have extremely quick labours- made it to hospital with 10 minutes to spare last time. But I can’t fathom what she is doing that she is so exhausted. Surely if she is there purely so you have extra hands for labour, then she shouldn’t be doing so much that she needs a break? And once baby arrives surely she was fine to go home? I’ve never had anyone except my husband help after baby has arrived and we are about to have 6 kids. Husband always just takes a month off and he does the childcare, housework etc. it’s his house and his children too, so we never saw the need to rope people in.

We're your kids born age 30, then?

"I don't like babies or children, can't think of anything worse!" Has multiple children

Make it make sense.

I would say expecting all and sundry to provide domestic labour and childcare for you when you have a partner is incredibly misogynistic. The OP has a partner. He can do the work and make the necessary arrangements. Why should two generations of women run around after his children?

All and sundry? He asked his dad. Who, by the way, is not a woman.

@DonnyBurrito

i don’t feel remotely silly. He’ll have a hangover next day - so what? I often get hangovers after a big night out which sounds like this is - his annual work do. So what?? Adults are allowed to drink and get a hangover. It’s not a sign of a lesser person or some kind of moral failure. Poppet.

Why is your mother so tired she needs a break?? Why were you and your husband not looking after her? FIL was probably confused why he was needed when you already had a grandparent at the house.

Also sounds like he doesn't like travelling. Could he be a bit scared. Perhaps he'd come if someone gave him a lift.

I was talking about all the domestic labour he is happily accepting from an unwell 72 year old woman. Now that that might be ending he is asking his father to step in. That’s the issue. I’m betting if the OP’s mother was happy to continue providing childcare and domestic labour at the drop of a hat there would be no fall out with his father, as his MIL would be there to take on what should be his role: taking care of his wife and children.

So yes, misogyny is still at work but unfortunately for the OP’s husband he has run out of women to bother and the first man he has tried to guilt trip has said no. A good lesson for all I think.

Women should stick together and not berate one another for daring to ask something of a man.

I’d say the OP is asking the wrong man. Maybe she needs to ask her husband why a grown, able-bodied man needs so much help to care for his wife and children when thousands upon thousands of women all around the world manage to raise countless children on their own with no help whatsoever?

And again, stop asking women to step in to fix everything. We are busy enough already.

I need OP to come back and explain why she went to work when she was so worried she'd give birth instantly that her DM had to move in

OP needed her DH with her at the birth, so he can't be in two places at once. And instead of asking a woman he asked his dad. What's your point?

She was asking the wrong man, that’s the point.

God, did NOBODY read the thread? They wanted the grandparents there so there'd be someone to look after the eldest child when she went into labour, not to do general housework and childcare. She asked her FIL to help out too, but he refused so she ended up giving birth alone.

She didn’t need him at the birth, she just wanted him there. Which is fine and perfectly understandable, but also means they should both have had childcare in place for their existing children months ago.

If it was so important that OP’s husband was there for the labour, they should have had someone on emergency standby months ago, not relied on someone missing a pre-arranged work event to help them out last minute because a 72 year old woman needed a break 🫣

You’re being very disingenuous. It is clear from the OP that they have consistently asked for help over a number of years, and have put increasing amounts of pressure on their parents to provide help. Including asking the OP’s mother to stay for two weeks prior to birth. And the OP herself says that her mother needs a break and is tired - so I’m betting the “help” is not just childcare during labour.

The fact that the OP also mentions how they don’t want to ask her MIL because she is having cancer treatment and has a difficult marriage shows that that was even a consideration.

I think these are two adults who want those around them to facilitate their life choices and are now struggling with hearing the word no.

Expecting an elderly parent to come and stay for 2 weeks before the birth is off the charts in entitlement!

before anyone chimes in with the predictable ‘it’s not a race to the bottom’… no, it isn’t. But it’s also entirely normal for families to sort arrangements without expecting relatives to come and stay for a fortnight or to drop a pre arranged event which is important to them.

You're making things up and making your own assumptions. OP said they've had one night out in 4 years - that's hardly someone who asks for loads of help.

The mother came to stay for 2 weeks because babies can be born any time within 2 weeks each side of the due date whilst still being considered "on time". You seem to have a real chip on your shoulder that you are projecting onto OP's thread with no basis.

It's off the charts depressing that a parent wouldn't give up some drinks to make sure his son doesn't miss the birth of his child.