Granddaughter taking over weekends

[ThePerkyBiscuit]

My son (29) has moved back in with me as he's split from gf. I have lived alone for the last few years and enjoy my peace. His ex has been working on a Saturday and so my granddaughter (9) is there every Saturday overnight till Sunday. They take over the living room and tv. I enjoyed the peace I had , time for hobbies that have now been put aside at the weekends, I feel like saying this is my house and I don't want it every weekend. I feel every other weekend is reasonable. I am not the parent, obviously if something happened I would step up but it's just people putting others out cos they want what they want.

Better prepare yourself then. It's quite common for young adult offspring to boomerang back after uni or when a relationship breaks own. But to me, it's just what you do if you're a decent human being. Why would you refuse a temporary arrangement, even if it's for a year or two?

A young adult returning isn't generally an issue. They arrive back on their own, and they know the household drill, and generally do their own thing, and much as when they're were in their teens, they occupy themselves or are out. Both parties pretty much settle back in to pre-uni life.

But it's very different if they turn up with a partner and/or kids. Everything is thrown off kilter, and everyone has to try to make the bits of the jigsaw fit and learn how to put up with each others rules and preferences. And kids need entertaining.

My adult DD came home for a while when her relationship broke up. It barely affected my life at all, and I was very happy to have her back. But if my other DD and her husband or the grandkids had to move in, much as I love them, and just about have room for them, it would get really tough for us all pretty quickly.

People talking about "young adults" coming back, thats fine and normal. But at 29 he is not a "young adult" he is a full adult!

At 29 I had a husband, a mortgage, two kids and one on the way! My 30th was dry (for me) as I was pg. My eldest DD is 27 and she and her partner are about to buy their first home.

Infantilising grown ass adults isnt doing them any favours.

Its about time this one learned to stand on his own two feet and not rely on the women in his life to solve his problems.

Never fails to surprise me how many moms think their adult children will never need them again at some point. You don’t get to stop being a parent

It isn't him asking to come home for a bit that is the issue, its the unasked assumption that he can take over the house from early EVERY Saturday to late Sunday and interfere with the OP'S weekend.

Not reasonable.
He needs to be told clearly the OP'S boundaries and if it doesn't suit him, he can make other arrangements.

This should be a short term arrangement anyway. He hasn't presumed he can live with her indefinitely has he?

We know that and the op is being a good parent. She just doesn't want her son and granddaughter taking over the house indefinitely. Boundaries must be put in place, that's not unreasonable at all, and son needs to be looking for a place of his own. However she is not putting them out, she loves them.

I get where she is coming from. For extended family to live together harmoniously, a big house is needed where everyone has their own space.

Well if mum has kept the family home I think it’s reasonable for her
to provide the home as you say, until he has somewhere!

Your feelings are absolutely valid. At 29 though why was your son's first thought to move in with you and not find somewhere to rent? The time to have a conversation was before he moved in where you should have set out what your boundaries are. You can still do that but you need to be firm in what you are willing to offer or support.

Yes women do not need to be endless martyrs but they also need to speak up for themselves. You haven't raised the issue with him yet but you need to.

Define ‘kept’ the family home. It’s not something that children pay towards so why is it on her to make it available ?

Hahaha!

They're already in higher education, but studying locally so still at home! Hence feeling cramped!

I don’t think @ThePerkyBiscuit is coming back

I wonder if she spoke to her son to have some alone time

He needs to find his own place, but I'm surprised that spending one night a week with your own grandchild annoys you so much. Were you my mother, I would move and relieve you of your grandparenting responsibilities permanently so you can enjoy your lonely hobbies in peace.

It's the norm for the man to move back in with his mother in the event of a break up isn't it? It definitely is in Ireland. Genuinely don't think I've ever known a man in this situation to rent his own place straight away. It can take a while to get back on their feet.
There's obviously a housing crisis here now but even before that they always moved back to the mothers.

I know a fair few couples who have split and only know one man who moved back in with his parents. Not least because for most of them, moving back with parents would have meant moving hours away from their jobs/kids etc.

Same , I’m late 30s and I’ve never known any man with kids to move back in with their parents after a break up and I think that’s a good thing if their parents don’t really have the will or the space to accommodate their grandchildren.

I’m sure that’s partly because a lot of my friends don’t live near their parents, but also because most of the guys I know are able to rent or buy a 1/2 bedroom flat themselves.

I think if you’re not able to let your family member or friends kids stay with them for at least a couple of days a week you should either decline or let them know this arrangement has to be temporary because you can’t accommodate their kids for more than a few hours or whatever.

You definitely shouldn’t seek for them to reduce the contact they have with their kid though or that’s negatively impacting the kid.

@kkloo I don't live in Ireland and if the op does then I've missed that. Not everyone lives near their parents and surely the priority should be finding somewhere to stay near your kid?

As it stands I don't think helping by having a grandchild over the weekend would be a big ask for me but I'd have handled it differently. It is for the op though and unless she raises it so her son can be more mindful the op will just get more fed up and possibly end up resentful. I think raising it with her son could be helpful for their relationship in the long run.

You did this to yourself knowing what him moving in would entail and now you have the audacity to complain? He's 29, you just tell him he cant move in and he needs to be an adult and figure out where to live. You didnt know that, now you have an innocent 9 year old that visits as well. You're not a victim here, fix your situation by moving him back out.

Exactly - the kid is the only victim here . This situation was very foreseeable and is entirely of OPs and her sons making.

I have a spare room and if I had a friend or relative who was a parent and wanted to live here, I’d do so with the understanding they might need to have the kid overnight at least a couple of times a week. And with the understanding that kids aren’t likely to sit quietly and read in their room the whole time and stay out of the way, when they’re visiting the parent they only see once a week! It sounds like the kid is just being a kid doing kid things, nothing out of the ordinary.

If that whole set up wasn’t suitable for me I’d just say they can’t stay here rather than let them move in then complain about a child playing games in the front room and “taking over” for 24 hours out of a week.

I hope OPs son gets his act together and moves out, his daughter deserves better.

@DoughBallss

but you do get to prioritise yourself at times especially when your ‘child’ is 29!!

not every woman who wants to become a mother also wants to become a martyr. It’s perfectly possible to be a great mother and not be a martyr.