Not invited to DSis big birthday

[50FreezeOut1]

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

I think that poster was just trying to come up with reasons potentially why they would exclude the OP from family events. Like maybe she drinks too much or doesn't act right in public.

OP I can absolutely empathise with this. My DSis turned 40, her husband organised a meal out for the extended family and myself and DH didn’t even get an invite. I know exactly why (long story, won’t bore with details).

Apparently on the day my DDad asked what we were up to that meant we couldn’t be there and was given some excuse about “oh I didn’t think they’d be able to come cos of the dogs” 😂

Its shit when family act like this. I wouldn’t drag your mum into it though, just message sis to ask and pull back on contact to give yourself time to process xx

If they posted pictures on Facebook then I'd have been tempted to comment "I'm still waiting for my invitation to the "family" lunch'.

Being excluded is beyond hurtful. I don’t think the people who do it can quite comprehend the visceral pain involved. My sister’s partner hates me so I’m excluded from everything and my family just say he controls the guest list and I’m not welcome. I wouldn’t see your mum this week either as she’s complicit in your exclusion. I would also leave the WhatsApp group. I’m so sorry this has happened to you (again!)

Very hurtful, very unkind.

I would say something to each of them and then be very LC.

I’d say something along the lines of;

I saw the happy families performance photos from the dsis birthday dinner. It was pretty spiteful to leave me out again with no explanation.

I’ll be stepping back from you all as I choose to spend my time and energy with those who respect and care about me. Please note I won’t be organising or contributing to any further family gifts either.

This. Post this and then remove yourself immediately from the WhatsApp group so you don't need to listen to their shit excuses.

I wouldn’t bother to say anything. Excluding you was bad enough; posting photos where you’d see them is deliberately being as hurtful as possible. I’d be very low contact with them in future and wouldn’t be doing any of them any favours.

Arseholes and not worth your time.
No reason here is acceptable. Eg we find you rather dull and boring/We have nothing in common/You drink too much.
Tough shit they are family! If they cared they would speak to you about it and still have you there. That’s what families do! If it was something bad (it really doesn’t sound like it is) then surely they would say you did x,y or z and give you a chance to redeem yourself.
I hope you have other people to support you through this, how gutting for you.

Keep your head held high and no matter what don’t go to see your mum on Monday she doesn’t deserve it.

Why? We only have the OP’s version of events here, and while these may be accurate, it’s also entirely possible that there is a legitimate reason from their side why they don’t invite her to family events.

I have a family member who always causes some kind of scene at any kind of event and ends up ruining the whole evening. She’s ok in small doses, so we obviously haven’t excluded her entirely, but we see her on our terms, I.e. we visit her so we can leave when she gets too much. And either she doesn’t get invited to family events, although we’re not the type to post all over social media and we don’t have a WhatsApp group, or in some cases we don’t have an event at all.

The posting of pictures is deliberately exclusionary, but tbh usually there is more to this.

I’d reflect what sort of relationship(s) you want from (each of?) your siblings and your parents, what is feasible, and what effort you / they will put in.

siblings evidently marginalize you from the pack which is very hurtful but they must know this and simply do not care. That must be very hurtful and I would personally not wish to continue to push for something I’m unlikely to be given or which likely won’t be rewarding if I have it, but you of course might feel differently.

The consideration that you are 50 vs 10 mins away is not a legit excuse and they can’t assume you won’t attend and so not invite you…. As a result, I wondered if there are other differences eg who has kids? Is there a wealth gap? Are siblings taking on caring responsibility for your parents (you’re not aware of) so there’s resentment that you get the good times? Is there a large age gap (eg you were always the baby/golden child/ rebel who got away with murder, etc?)

I don't want to be the one blamed for destroying the e.g. 'Edgeworth' family unit but I don't know how to respond to this without it all blowing up in my face and it all being blamed on me.

It won't be you destroying the family unit. They have already broken it and if they react aggressively to you reasonably asking why you had been excluded from this party, that will be them destroying it completely.

I think you should ask your sister why you were not invited. If you don't this will eat away at you. You don't have much to lose other than being second class within your own family and your peace of mind to gain. Remain calm and persistent if she fobs you off with feeble excuses. You've done the 60 minute journey on other occasions, why would this one be different?

Only you know whether your mother has fully gone along with this or has been unwilling to rock the boat with your siblings, worried about being excluded herself. If it is the latter, I wouldn't involve her. If you think she willingly kept you in the dark about the party, perhaps call your sister when your mother visits you, put the phone on speaker and have a joint conversation with them both.

Shocked face emoji on the photos.

Have I missed the bit where mum colluded, was ‘sworn to secrecy’ etc? Maybe mum arrived at the meal and wondered where OP was?? ‘Isn’t X coming’ eg.

Regardless of their excuses, this is not ok. At all. If someone hates another person it is the height of hypocrisy to keep them in a chat group, accept presents etc.

I would ghost the whole fucking lot of them, go to nothing, no lunches or anything else, I wouldn't cancel, I would just not turn up. I would say nothing, remove yourself from the group cha, unfriend them on FB or anything else you are connected on. If they approach you after that you might get some sort of reason.

But don't expect an honest or truthful reason, and in fact don't expect anything because this behaviour is very unreasonable and strange. They wanted you to see that you were excluded. Wtf?

Just get rid and get on with having a happy life. And I know that is easier said that done, but it can't be much worse than being treated like a turd someone stepped on.

This is exactly like my family of 8.
I wonder if something has happened and no-one has told you why you are being left out. It is very hurtful and I would have to know why. I would ask my Dsis, straight to the horses mouth so to speak.
I would make arrangements to speak face to face then you can't be fobbed off.
Your DM would most probably make some "I don't know why" excuse. Hope this doesn't happen to you again OP.

Given your update where your mother chose to exclude you from a gathering once (that you know of - maybe there have been other occasions) before, I'm guessing that for some reason you're the black sheep of the family?

This all sounds incredibly hurtful, and I couldn't continue my relationship with them in the same way moving forward - and I also couldn't say nothing to them about it. I'd absolutely send them a screenshot and tell them how hurt I was, but I wouldn't ask ask for an explanation as whatever they say won't excuse this behavior. And then I'd go extremely low contact with them all.

Clearly - for whatever reason - the relationship you have with them isn't the relationship you thought you had, so you need to step away and protect yourself as history suggests this won't be the last time they do this to you.

They have ruined the Edgewiorth family unit by behaving so poorly.

I wouldn’t say anything. You will only get the blame, and feed the drama. I would not be seeing mother next week, cancel and tell you are disappointed in the family and do not reinstate. Go very very low contact. If they care they will ask you, and apologise and if they continue to organise things without you - then you have your answer.

Op I would have some counselling, with a qualified professional specialising in IFS. It sounds like you have been/are the black sheep and I am sure you have had a lifetime of this poor behaviour and are somewhat used to this. I can tel, as you don’t sound especially angry, surprised or upset. Most people would be reacting far more strongly than you are.

How do you want to respond? How do you feel? Are you afraid they will abandon you? Please read Mel Robbins ‘let them’ and start protecting yourself from your toxic family. They truly sound awful. Counselling is the way forward, and some solid friends that can be your support network.

Thats really mean, I doubt it’s your politics, one election me and my siblings all voted for different parties, it’s not important enough to be a cause for exclusion.

Do you have one sibling you are closer to who would let you know whats going on?

The mum knew that OP chipped in for the birthday gift and also knew that her daughter wasn’t inviting her other daughter. I would go NC or LC with all of the family!

Just ask about it. Sometimes it's not necessarily a plan but just works out that everyone's there.
When my sister turned 30, she was going away for the actual day, so I baked her a cake and cooked a load of food the Friday before. My mother and nan live in the same area so the thought occured to me on the day, when I realised I'd cooked too much, to invite them around, too.
My brother and his wife - who don't live in the immediate area and work full time, didn't get an invite, they were hurt.
It wasn't intentional. I just didn't think to ask them over because it wasn't "a party" and they should have been busy.
On reflection though, it very much looked like a planned party and I felt bad afterwards.

How horrible.

Is it something to do with your DH or DCs? No excuse but I’m trying to understand it as it’s so odd

Am liked throughout the extended family. But not by my siblings it would seem @50FreezeOut1

Unfortunately, your mum doesn’t like you either. Stop making an effort with your mum and siblings.

This and I’d do it today. If you let it go the precedence is set and they will think you are not bothered and continue to exclude you. If the distance is mentioned then highlight that 60 mins is nothing and that’s for you to work out whether you can make it or not but if there is another reason, you need to know what it is so that you can address it. Tell her how hurt you were re your mum’s celebrations but hid it from everyone but didnt expect it to happen again . Tell her it was you who arranged the gift and that’s how invested you are in family and big celebrations.

I’d also mention to your mum on Monday that you've had this conversation with your sister and guage her reaction.

Lots of passive aggressive suggestions to give them the cold shoulder but not say why. I think you should address it more directly so you can get it out rather than quietly seething about it.

I would speak to one person, the sibling or parent that you feel most likely to be honest with you. Tell them you are feeling hurt and excluded by this recent turn of events. Explain that it's making you question your whole relationship and position with 'the family' and that you feel like a mug for doing the gift organising and missing out on the celebrations. If you genuinely want to know why, try to stay curious rather than lashing out.

Do your family have form for excluding or judging others? Have you trangressed some unwritten rule? Moved to the wrong part of town, moved too far from home, wrong sort of job/ partner/ hobbies?