Not invited to DSis big birthday

[50FreezeOut1]

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

I would be hurt too. Would be phoning mum first before saying anything to sister. Ask your mum why she thinks you weren’t invited and explain that you feel (understandably) upset.

Unless there is a simple explanation you may have to confront your sister about it. Though I know from my own family how hard this can be.

Agree. But it s not about giving an explanation. It s about the OP getting control back of the narrative

Why do so many people want to drag the mum into it?

My parents wouldn't act like this tbh.

I know how you feel OP. I didn't get invited to my mother's 60th. I saw the pictures on social media.

In my experience its best to deal with these things head on.

Either call or message, whichever you usually do, and say "Have I upset you? Its just that I saw the photos of your 50th and was upset that I wasnt invited and wondered if you have fallen out with me."

OP are you normally close with your family? Talk regularly etc?
it seems very hurtful and very odd behaviour- is there a back story?
I would definitely be asking your mum some questions.

The mum has colluded in keeping this meal secret before the event so she can be asked why. My mum wouldn’t act like this either - I hope.

@Twiglets1 exactly

Brace yourself that they're going to lie, or gaslight you. You're not going to get honest answers. It never goes like that. If you get angry they'll use it as an excuse to act the victim. Also please prepare yourself that you might never find out why. Let it go and move on sooner rather than later, don't let it spoil your life pondering why they've behaved like this, please. It's really hurtful behaviour, I'm sorry this has happened.

Maybe pp are thinking if they're closer to their mother than siblings it would hurt more like a best friend's betrayal.

I have been left out like this and was most upset at my mother joining with my siblings against me.
I never found out who's idea it was but my mother said she didn't want to tell me because I'm "too sensitive" and would be upset.

Obviously not being told was only part of it, being left out in the first place was the most hurtful.

Op I would definitely ask your mother and be prepared for her to say it wasn't up to her, you need to speak to your dsis etc

I couldn't let it lie, I confronted my family when I found out..my DH said he would have just withdrawn from them without saying anything.

What do you want to do? There's no right or wrong way but I agree with everything @OhMaria2 just said.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? Personally, I’d cancel (‘Sorry for the short notice mum, something has come up so need to cancel. Talk to you soon’) and withdraw from the lot of them. If you had several adult children and one was excluded from a family meal where everyone else was invited, would you still go and have a lovely time? Or would you tell the lot of them that you loved them all but you felt too uncomfortable excluding one member of the family and didn’t want to be a part of it?

What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing? Again, I wouldn’t say a word to any of them. They’d get nothing further from me beyond icy cold politeness at most. I’d leave the group. Same as with your mum; it was your sister’s responsibility to speak to you, but every single one of them could have said to her ‘what are you doing? Why are you excluding her? I want no part of this’ and not one of them did.

But if you decide you do want to be open about it, I’d message everyone on WhatsApp and just say ‘I’ve just seen the photos of sister’s birthday meal and it’s quite clear that every single one of you were there. Would anyone like to explain to me who I’ve upset so much that I’ve been completely excluded from what is clearly a big family event? You’ve really hurt me. I would never go along with treating any of you like this and I’m so disappointed in you that you think it’s acceptable to treat me like this.’

Are you in a lower income bracket than them? Or do any of your DC have any difficulties in socialising? I suspect that you’ll get some half hearted excuses along these lines. They thought you wouldn’t be able to afford it after buying the present, or they thought your DC would struggle. And if this is what they come back with, then you have some thinking to do about whether you accept that and forgive them, or you tell them how hurt or disappointed you are, or you tell them it’s a pathetic excuse and you’re going to mute the family chat for a bit, while you have a break from them, or you tell them to go fuck themselves, or you just don’t answer at all and you let them stew on what they’ve done.

What was the outcome for you @girljulian?

Oh, I seethed and didn't say anything, and then some other family things happened which pushed it out of my mind, but I'm not sure that was the best thing!

I like this way of asking dsis directly.

I’d send this message. It says how you feel very clearly and politely.
i’m not sure I’d see my mum, I might cancel. I’d definitely message to say about Monday I’m not sure we can meet Monday, I’m not sure I can handle seeing anyone who colludes in totally and hurtfully excluding me, especially my own mum.
Have you given her the present? When are you 50?

sorry to where @50FreezeOut1 - you need to face it and ask why you were not invited!
post the photos you see in the family group and ask why you aren’t there- simple.

You deserve to know so no point ignoring it or pretending you’ve not seen it as your behaviour will change around your family - talk to them to see what happened and then you known what you’re dealing with xx

Ah op no wonder you're hurt.

I'm wondering if someone has declined on your behalf without asking you - do you have issues with childcare/live far away/ health? I'm a single parent and my family at times will assume I can't attend things because if they're all going to something they know I'll have no babysitter. It's crap sometimes but it's also just the way things are for now and it's my choice not to use a stranger. Do you live further away than the others? Do you have form for declining social events?

Is it possible it was a surprise party and you were a genuine oversight? Is there any of the guests you don't get on with or who don't get on with you? Have you/ your sis had any big life changes recently that could create a conflict eg a pregnancy and a previous loss?

I personally would meet your mum and I would ask, I'd say you saw the pics and you were surprised noone had mentioned it was happening and I'd ask about how it came about. I'd want a full picture before reacting, also to make sure I'm reacting to the right person.

Depending on what she says I'd ring your dsis and I'd ask if you've offended them in any way. Sometimes miscommunications happen but equally it would need to be pretty big to be excluded from a family event in that way so it seems unlikely. If there's no clear response or you feel like they're giving you platitudes rather than being honest then I would step back and focus your energies elsewhere.

Was it ever mentioned @girljulian? My brother groomed his gf into hating me and my mother for no reason so when she organised a surprise birthday party we weren't invited. It was beyond humiliating. Relationship now is beyond repair for many other reasons but this sticks in my mind.

No, never. But my dad now has a terminal illness so it's not really helpful to your situation -- we basically all had to forgive everything and deal with that.

On the face of it this sounds so odd. I’d say maybe everyone thought someone else had invited you, except in that case they’d have been phoning you at the event to ask if you’re not coming etc. So it definitely sounds like a very pointed and deliberate exclusion. Like others I agree the mum and everyone else has colluded but ultimately it’s the sister’s birthday so I would take it up with her. Just phone or even better pop round and ask WTF is going on?!

Unless it was ‘What do you mean, you didn’t invite your sister?! That’s terrible, I’m not going along with this sort of bullying. I want no part of it, I’m going home and I’m very disappointed in you’ it’s as much to do with her as it is the other siblings.

They’ve colluded with the birthday sister to make sure nobody mentioned it to the OP. These things aren’t arranged off the cuff. Nobody plans a birthday meal for all their family and all their friends, where a reservation is needed, with a couple of hours notice. This was planned. They’ve all lied to her by omission.

Fuck me, I hope I never get on the wrong side of you! 🤣 you are magnificent!

OP this is so, so shitty of them all, I’m not sure I could get past it. Put yourself and your feelings first. How do you want to respond?

Ask your sister.
Why involve your mum?

If it was me I’d be like “Huh? How did I miss that this was happening?!” and see what she says..

That. Or a simple "I saw your birthday meal picture on Facebook. Is there a reason that I wasn't invited?"

Be straightforward and undramatic. All these posts about cutting them off without any communication are OTT when you don't know what happened. There's an outside chance that it was an error of communication, and you don't cut your entire family off while that's still a possibility. Likewise bowling in with all sorts of assumptions when you contact them is unwise. Keep it to one simple question.

This is what I would do. There's nothing to lose by being direct.