Not invited to DSis big birthday

[50FreezeOut1]

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

Yes I got that

but then she went low contact with her sister

so was it DH’s decision not to invite or the sister’s?

I totally agree with you @MrsKeats.
If you choose to judge people purely based on their £££, you miss out on a huge amount imo.

My goodness I thought of this thread today when I saw the news of Ozzy Osbourne’s death.

The family’s statement omitted the names of one of his 5 biological children and his adopted son 😱

That would feel like a sucker punch if I was them or their mother 😔

I noticed that. Nasty shower.

You absolutely don’t deserve any of this and you are being treated poorly. I expect you are the conscience of the family and your presence reminds them that a more fulfilling and less materialistic way is out there. This could make their usual prejudices and snobbery difficult to maintain in your presence.
Only you know if it is worth raising the issue but I would speak openly to DA and DF (and possibly whichever sibling you like best -not DSis birthday girl or complete knob of a brother who didnt look after your toddler). I’d go low contact with DM (she’s the drama queen and they may all be pandering to her). Tell them as clearly as possible exactly how you feel. Take all the emotion out of it. Practice what you are going to say in the mirror until you can say it without welling up and it will be more powerful. You won’t be accused of being a drama llama. Tell them how hurtful it is for you and your family. Gauge their reaction and evaluate the excuses. Moving forward, make your own decisions about which events to attend. Go to the ones that matter to you for the sake of your DNs and DCs. Try to keep some channels of communication open with the wider family if you can. These things are painful, people are hurtful but things change. Don’t back yourself into a corner forever because of present hurt.
speak openly to your DH. He sounds lovely. Explain your hurt. Grieve for the family relationships you will never have with them. Then build really meaningful and mindful relationships with everyone who matters to you. Include DA and DF. Just do something every six months with just him and you (maybe around his hobbies or interests) Start new traditions with your immediate family and your closest friends. Mark every milestone with them. Take photos. Make albums, journal - whatever but really do it. Get the kids involved in coming up with funny or cute traditions.
Eventually you will make your peace with it and have a much closer more mindful relationship with the ones that matter. Keep DM on a long long leash. She’s the problem here. Everyone takes their cue from her. I hope you get some apologies and it’s mainly thoughtlessness not malice. But tackle this with DF and DA or it will eat away at you. It needs addressing. And realise you have just bowed out of all obligations to DM. Do nothing with or for her that you don’t want to do. Just don’t. As a mother of three grown up DCs, I would be appalled at the treatment you have received and would have spoken out to the others. She is not on your side. Losing the obligation will be liberating. Grey rock her when you are with her. You owe her nothing. They don’t deserve you.

The others may have not known that you were not invited.

That has happened to us once with my husband's cousin. She was getting married (2nd marriage), but we weren't invited. My mother-in-law just assumed that we were invited also. MIL asked us, after the wedding, why we weren't there, and we told her that we were never told about the wedding. MIL was shocked and unhappy, saying that she wouldn't have attended if she had known that. Rest of family was also invited and showed up for the festivities. No one else knew we were excluded until MIL decided to tell everyone why we weren't there. (No MIL didn't have our back. She just loved juicy gossip, and this qualified.) I had a guess as to why we were excluded, but we were okay with it, as this isn't someone that we had a lot of contact with in the last few years prior to the exclusion.

Thus, while you were excluded, that doesn't mean that anyone else knew that you were excluded until after they arrived at the party. I would talk to your mom and ask what happened. Depending on her reply, I would then decide what to do after that, including talking to your other siblings. Leave your DSis50 for last, depending on what your other family members say.

Additionally, invites do get lost. Emails don't go through (I've had one drop in 2 months after I sent it). Mail doesn't get delivered. We had several wedding invites that never got delivered. The exclusion may have been accidental instead of intentional.

Do some investigating. Then decide what to do about DSis50 after you gather additional information.

I have been there multiple times with my own family. Even when I would show up, I would sit and watch my parents take family pics with my sisters and leave me out. When I was “included” I was the butt of jokes and on the receiving end of abuse. I finally cut myself free from my sisters after mom/dad passed. I have no contact with them, I see them once every few years if we are at the same family event in other states. They try to say hello, I walk away. My mental health has improved dramatically since I came to realize I was the black sheep….

I would join the conversation, and say "it looks like ya'll had a nice time. I might have enjoyed myself too, had I been invited. I'm hurt; I'm a little angry, but I hope the birthday girl enjoyed her present. And I'm really not in the mood to hear any excuses or explanations why my sisters birthday dinner wasn't mentioned to me. Have a nice day, but please, leave me alone for awhile".

@50FreezeOut1
I would have loved to have a sister. It’s their great loss, but they’re too silly to realise.

As someone said upthread, don’t say anything and give them the bullets to shoot you with, because they would relish in that.

Your family really don’t deserve you 💐

How sad if it has anything to do with monetary value. We have one of 7 kids who never did as well as the others financially, but never would we have left him out. It's called love. If it DOES in fact have to do with snobbishness over wealth, just write your family off. There are so many more better people in the world.

How are you @50FreezeOut1 ?

So horrible to be excluded but especially by your own family.

I know this is old but Ill comment anyway as it resonates with me. I kept not speaking up for years and it got worse. So speak up now as you will regret not saying. They are bullies, it's toxic(you know this deep down as you constantly explain how you say nothing contraversial etc, so you already minimise yourself). Stop minimizing you needs to be included. Stop devaluing yourself by even questioning whether you did anything wrong. They are a group of bullies. Speak up the concentrate on your own little family. Let them miss out on your life, your kids. When you walk away the dynamic shifts and they will need to find a new scapegoat. It's just textbook. Stay polite but distance yourself.

Absoloutely disgusting that you were not invited and that your family went along with it and didnt even mention it. I would be asking them all why they thought this was acceptable! They sound like a toxic lot and i would be distancing myself from people like this! What decent human being would allow and go along with a family member being excluded from an important family celebration? You do not deserve to be treated like this! It is totally unacceptable!