Not invited to DSis big birthday

[50FreezeOut1]

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

Are you trying to hurt OP? That's a horrible thing to say.

Far more likely her mother is just behaving weakly and going along with what others want rather than being an advocate for OP and speaking out against the unkindness.

i dont see why your DM is being dragged into it
sounds like it is your DS

give the ds, or not so dear, a telephone call

Doing this to you once was nasty and unkind doing it twice is unforgivable. Id message the WhatsApp group saying so, cancel plans with DM and leave the WhatsApp group 24 hrs later. I'd not contact any of them again and leave the ball in their court.

I have adult DCs and if I turned up for a family celebration and one was missing my first question would be to ask where they were. I can’t fathom celebrating a big birthday with one missing unless it was their choice.

So odd and hurtful OP. Nothing to lose in addressing it today.

I would totally call this out. Probably via the family what’s app group you mention. And it’s not the first time from the sound of it? Fuck that! I’d be asking for an explanation - you deserve one - then going LC to NC with the lot of them. I’m sorry op, it must be so hurtful.

This is exactly what I’m like.

I cut people off if they exclude me.

Same. But I would just ghost everyone. Completely. Christmas is coming up in less than 6 months and I would assume I wouldn’t be invited to that either.

She’s as bad as the siblings for leaving OP out on more than one occasion. My mum wouldn’t stand for this because she cares about me.

I agree with @Teaacup

The mother is part of the problem. Not one person in that family stuck up for the OP. She has plans with her mother for the first day of holidays. I think she should just travel away for a break and not tell her family where she is going and not give her mother any notice. Let her know what It’s like to be completely ignored. It’s disgusting behaviour from all of them.

OP, just ask them directly. If it 'all blows up' because you asked a simple question directly then the relationships were fragile in the first place, even if it didn't look like it from the outside.

If they live closer to each other, they might meet up a lot without you which is normal, but the birthday is a big deal and you should have been invited.

Say to your sister when you see her ' I saw the birthday meal pictures, you know I would have loved to come and be there with you, right? I'm a little surprised no one invited me'. See what she says.

I feel for you op. I know exactly how hurtful this is, because the same happened to me, years ago. Except it wasn’t a meal, it was a big family party, with literally everyone there, but me. I too discovered it the next day when a relative posted pictures on social media. I was so upset! There had been no falling out, no issues, nothing I could think of.
When questioned the family members involved claimed they “thought I was busy”l I wasn’t and I’d spoken to them multiple times in the preceding week - none had mentioned it.
I actually think it was a combination of a vile sm who had hated me since I was little, a spineless df, and a sibling who’d always felt some kind of strange rivalry with me, compounded by the fact that I was objectively far more successful than them. I wasn’t a dick about it though and I’ve always been generous, helping family out financially, paying for trips, weddings and holidays etc.
I am now NC with all of them and it’s their loss. I continue to do well and I continue to share with my family and friends, but those who treated me so badly don’t deserve my headspace, my time or my money.
Your family have form for this op, so I’d suggest considering what benefits you are getting from your relationship with them. Like you, my first thought was to blame myself but actually, I think jealousy is a far more prevalent and far reaching emotion than many are willing to admit.

The mother is as bad.

I think I’d send a message saying that it looks like SIL had a lovely family celebration and ask why you have been excluded again after the same thing happened for your mothers celebrations and the hurt and bewilderment caused then. I’d simply ask why the whole of them hid it from you? especially when it was you that organised the gift? I’d also say something like, as I’ve said distance isn’t an issue, what is the real reason behind this behaviour now? I’d simply ask for honesty.

I’d try and stay calm and factual - let them tie themselves up in knots. If they do reply I’d keep it to statements like ‘none of this makes sense’ ‘this doesn’t explain it’

I wouldn’t be seeing your mother on Monday either.

Ps, I have similar dynamic in my family. It was actually my mother behind it - she used to pitch my siblings against each other - divide and conquer. I was the black sheep so was the one left out - I was gaslit and told it was in my head and just jealousy,

Only as adults did me and my siblings see it for what it is. Me and my sister now are developing a good relationship and my mother hates it.

Family can be traitors, and it only takes 1 and a conspiritor to set the ball rolling.

My sil was a bitch, she was an only child who wanted everything her way, and threw spanners in everyone's works on a regular basis. She was 40 odd yrs old, lost both parents and fake doted on my mother, which fed my mothers narcissistic profile to the hilt (I was blind to that for years, so spent YEARS trying to make things right)

We generally had bonfire parties, me then you... id done 3 years on the trott so I refused to do the next. Sil wasnt happy, she thought she had forced that pony, and I wasnt willing to change my mind, so no bonfire that yr.

Dad heard her moaning to mum and he (always the placator) invited us all to his bonfire party... which wouldnt please mum as she had to cook, rather than playing queen bee.
On the eve of the party I arrived with hubby and 3 kids, I parked the car and sil drove up, she was out of her car before I even got the keys out of the ignition, she Opened my car door and scathingly complained "you said you didn't want a bonfire party, why are you here"
-AT MY PARENTS HOME!
WHEN INVITED!-
I told her, I didnt want to DO ANOTHER bonfire. Dad invited us, and we are here.

I walked into the house, said hi to mum. Went to see dad who was finishing off prepping the pyre, and for the duration of the party I didnt speak or give eye contact to sil once. I told my bro that shes a bitch. He knew that. They were divorced 2 years later, my attitude towards her never faltered after that night, she didnt exist.

What was incredible to me was my mothers attitude re the situation
I went to see her the next day, as I hadn't caused a scene, and for all intents and purposes everything was fine. Mum was so into herself she never saw any silence between sil and I.
When I told her what transpired at the car, she said .... and it knocked the breath out of me, even now years later!

"It was your father's fault.... he shouldn't have invited you"!

Totally blind side, id done parties for YEARS, and everyone came. Mum. Played queen bee, even spoilt a few by her attitude, but she was always invited back.

That comment finished me. I did have get togethers, but pared down, and who I wanted.

I would be upset and hurt too, particularly as you had contributed to a joint gift with your siblings for DS. And I wouldn’t be able to hold this in either, I would definitely be asking why I wasn’t invited.

I would block every single one of them and assume the relationship is over.

They made their choice that she is not family.

I was excluded from a funeral of a family member. I wasn’t invited and I was told I was not to come when I asked about it. I haven’t seen my family since. It was deliberate and cruel. I wasn’t invited and told it was “private”.

Prior to that I wasn’t invited to a birthday for a parent. I thought it was an oversight so I asked if I could come. Turns out I was deliberately not invited. There was a pause before my relative told me that I could come and on the day there was all this tension and my relative screamed at all of us. Afterwards I was told I was deliberately not invited. The tension was all them. They didn’t want me there so everyone was on edge. There had been no major falling out. I just wasn’t wanted.

Honestly? You sound lovely and they sound dreadful, mean and petty, including your mother. You need to distance yourself from all of them. It's happening anyway and it would give you some agency and sense of control, rather than just allowing them to sideline and exclude you. Any decent mother would be upset about one of her children being regularly excluded, but your mum doesn't seem to care and even seems to actively facilitate it.

Leave them all to it. You deserve much better than the family you have got. Also, try not to get sucked back in when your mum needs more care and support as she ages. I bet your siblings will definitely want you to be involved in this, but harden your heart and refuse. They don't want you as part of the family and actions have consequences.

They are toxic.

If it were me, I'd need to challenge DSis about this. Make your feelings clear, then walk away. Easier said than done though.

I think just stop interacting with them at all. Don’t turn up on Monday, don’t chat, don’t call, just withdraw all contact and don’t explain.

Yanbu I'd feel very hurt. I'd be taking it up directly with my sister, see who organised it because it might not even be her who organised it. Then I'd be speaking to the person who organised it.

@50FreezeOut1 what would you like the outcome of this to be?
Ongoing to be invited to all big family events?
Them to acknowledge that they've behaved poorly?

I live away from the rest of my family (about 3 and a half hours), I don't get invited to Sunday lunches etc but I do get invited to big events/birthdays. Less than an hour away is nothing.

Are your family one of those that unless you live around the corner they think it's too much of an effort for you to make it? I do know families like this who essentially think that moving further away they no longer feel the need to include that family member.

In which case, you are going to have to make it clear to ALL of them that of course you would have come to the 50th birthday lunch. That an hour away is not that far. That being excluded has made you feel very sad as you love them and want to be included particularly for birthdays.

Personally I would meet your mum and ask how the birthday lunch was and I would ask her why she thinks you weren't invited. See if it is the above.

If you can ring them all individually, I would. If not I would write on the family WhatsApp 2 messages.
1 saying hope you all had a lovely lunch out and that DSIs had a great birthday.

The second outlining:
Dear family, I was really upset to not be invited to the birthday lunch, I know I live slightly further away but I always would prioritise my family's birthdays / celebrations. Ongoing please could I be invited. If I have done something that has offended you, please let me know as at the moment I have no idea why I wouldn't be invited. I love you all and would like to be invited to family birthdays / events. I may not be able to attend them all but I will try to make it work. Lots of love.......

Put one message on the family chat saying you have seen the photos and noting that this is the second time you have not been included in a significant family event in recent times. You accepted it the first time but this time it seems deliberate. You regret that if there had been any issue that not one of them addressed it. Instead there was a deliberate effort to publicly embarass and humiliate you (and your family). You are saddened that they allowed you to organise the present and not one said a word about the celebration.
Do not enter into any further dialogue including meeting with your mother tomorrow as this gives them a further opportunity to bully and isolate you. Do you have partner and children @50FreezeOut1 ? Think of the message your parents and extended family are sending to them. The nastiness stops now. Unfortunately the damage has already been done. Do not let it fester and deteriorate further.

on the face of it, it sounds awful. Is there some reason like you need someone to put you up or a lift if you stay?

Because the parents are complicit in what looks like quite a cruel move. As a parent of adult children, I would not play along with this sort of manipulation. And OP is likely to get a more direct answer from a parent than the sister who excluded her.

I'd expect there to be some really massive backstory, e.g. an excluded sibling drinks too much and causes fights, or always manipulates situations to be about them, such as announcing an engagement or pregnancy on someone else's birthday. Not saying OP does this, but I'd expect at least that level of attention seeking before leaving one person out.

So hurtful but you cant change it.

DONT GO SEE YOUR MUM!

i dont have the answer but Its interesting you already know you will be the villian not your Dsis and thst you also know your DM / DF / whoever haven't read the riot act and like "where is freeze??? Dsis What's wrong with you ?!?!?"

This is death by a thousand cuts

Whatever happens...

i would have a flat tyre and be unable to visit DM monday - if she can be bothered to make a 2 hr round trip to you i might let her.

I'd stop any "nice" gifts that require thought or money for your mum and sister. That includes Christmas aNd birthdays
I wouldn't invite them anywhere or offer help with anything.
Match their nonexistent energy.

If it comes up I'd say something very honest very neutrally / matter of fact "no need to discuss it. the message about my role in the family is very clear"

Pour your energy into your own family unit and good friends