Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to DSis big birthday

614 replies

50FreezeOut1 · 19/07/2025 22:42

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

OP posts:
ShesTheAlbatross · 19/07/2025 23:11

So you regularly spend time with her (the weekend in May), and there are no issues? Has there definitely not been any missed messages or miscommunications?

I would call her up, or text her, and just ask her outright. I don’t know what other option you have. I wouldn’t be able to just not find out what was going on.

Annascaul · 19/07/2025 23:12

Unless op's Mum was given the guest list to approve in advance, it's nothing to do with her. She could well have said something to op's sister at the event.

Focusispower · 19/07/2025 23:14

I’d be hurt - by my siblings and by my parents - if they thought it ok to leave me out of a family occasion. Anyone going along with it is complicit - so I’d be fuming with my mum and siblings too. I’d call it out directly and immediately to be honest and I wouldn’t mince my words - just very plainly: I saw the photos of your birthday celebration on social media and I’m really upset not to have been included. We would have loved to have celebrated with you. Your birthday, your choice but it’s deeply hurtful regardless. Perhaps you could explain to me what I’ve done?

JaniceBattersby · 19/07/2025 23:16

Wow. That’s incredibly hurtful. I’d be gutted. I also don’t think it’s wrong to be upset at everyone who colluded in it. Why on earth didn’t they at least warn you before the pictures appeared on social media. If I had been one of those invited I’d have wanted nothing to do with such a mean situation tbh.

Livelovebehappy · 19/07/2025 23:17

I’d be furious. But surely there must have be something in the lead up to this which prompted your exclusion? It just wouldn’t make sense for you to be left out if your relationship with your dsis is okay. It’s not as though it could be an oversight, with the rest of the family being there. I’d start thinking about anything that has happened recently which might have caused some drama which has impacted your dsis.

Tetchypants · 19/07/2025 23:18

Yeah something’s afoot, definitely. Both of your parents and 3 out of 4 of their children, plus all the other grandkids? Someone’s miffed with you,

deckbelow · 19/07/2025 23:19

Is there some back story here? Otherwise this is really strange. Are you sure you didn’t miss the invitation somehow? If it was me I’d be like “Huh? How did I miss that this was happening?!” and see what she says..

EggnogNoggin · 19/07/2025 23:20

Unless there is a huge back storywhere you've been a total cow to her, she's a real fucking bitch and has done this to hurt you and get a reaction.

Make no mistake, she has done it this way to make you feel like you can't trust anyone because they all kept it quiet.

And because they colluded, when you say anything, they will make excuses about it.

So get back at her by pretending it doesn't bother you. Act like you haven't seen the Facebook pics and if and when she pokes, be casual "oh yes, it looked like a great time!" Do not rise to it.

She's in some way jealous and doing this to take you down. Don't give her that gift. It will make her more insecure and I'd enjoy that because fuck her.

Don't retaliate. Just don't proactively organise things like birthday gifts.

The only way to get under her skin is to say nothing, because she has one million percent done this to spite you. I'd go as far as to suggest that she only had the big do so that she could leave you out.

Nasty bitch. If getting back at her meant sitting on my wound, I sire as hell would.

But now you know she doesn't like you and I'd go as far as to say she actively dislikes you, so do what you need to. Disinherit her if she has any claim, make sure she isn't identified as a potential legal guardian for your kids if the worst happened. Find new friends and don't let her into your circle. And above all, keep a smile on your face while you prune her out of your life, just so far that she still has to see you living well and being bitter about it.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 19/07/2025 23:22

That’s very hurtful. Is this completely out of the blue? Do you normally get on?

Barney16 · 19/07/2025 23:24

How hurtful. I would be very very cross and upset.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/07/2025 23:30

I'd call them all out. The sis and the others who agreed not to mention it to you.
"I see you all got together for Dsis birthday.
Perhaps you could tell me Dsis why I wasn't invited.. Or perhaps rest of the family could explain why you all agreed to keep it a secret but then posted pictures on Facebook. You clearly wanted me to know I was excluded.
I'm surprised that after making the all arrangements for you to get DSis a really nice group birthday present, not one of you mentioned it.

And then see what they say.
And your Mum knew but was sworn to secrecy.. why? and why did she go along with it.

LancashireButterPie · 19/07/2025 23:31

Ouch, that must hurt.
I would just send a what's app saying "was there a reason why I wasn't invited to sis birthday"?.

Exclusion is bullying.

converseandjeans · 19/07/2025 23:31

That’s really horrible. When did the gift get given to Dsis50? Did you all contribute as a group? I think posting pics makes it worse as they will know you have seen them. Do you have no idea at all & was all ok at the meet up in May?

Neverflyingagain · 19/07/2025 23:38

The meet up in May, was that a bit celebratory? Just wondering if your DSis thought she had already celebrated with you and your family, and the meal was for everyone else? It's very odd. Not surprised you're hurt and that not one other person in your family has contacted you to ask if you are okay, given you weren't there.
Unless you've got some sort of drip feed coming along and you're on holiday in the opposite hemisphere and couldn't have gone anyway?!

CluelessAboutBiology · 19/07/2025 23:39

I’d flounce. I’d leave the WhatsApp group and wait to see if anyone bothered to contact me to ask why - even though it should be obvious why.

Delphiniumandlupins · 19/07/2025 23:41

I would ask on the family WhatsApp and/or phone your sister "Any reason we weren't included?" Unless you already know the answer. Has she had the gift you organised and thanked you for that?

Francestein · 19/07/2025 23:41

Well, she wouldn’t be getting a card or a present for one thing, and I’m petty enough to send a message to the family group chat asking if sis and everyone had a lovely time at the party on the family group chat and leave them hanging.

Dearnurse · 19/07/2025 23:45

I would be so hurt I'm so sorry , I wouldn't speak to any of them for a good while things like this are cruel and usually deliberate.. I wouldn't see my mum Monday or any of them any time soon .

moveoverG · 19/07/2025 23:45

Oh op I’m sorry.

This sounds like what I am facing with my DSis and her ‘life’ being separate from me (which I am sad about) and DM who flutters around from one side of the family to the other like nothing is wrong 🙄

Hold your own op, they are twats for not including you.

nomas · 19/07/2025 23:51

That’s awful. I would just be icily polite to her from now on. No more birthday or Christmas cards and presents or meet ups.

Bubblesgun · 19/07/2025 23:53

@50FreezeOut1 you know most time i would say look at yourself before you look at someone else.

but in this instance I d be peroperly pissed.
i would whatsapp and say “thank you for the invite… not. Hope you enjoyed the evening. I am going to take some time processing how ai feel about being excluded, and decide how I want to move forward. I will let you know”.

and take as much time as you need.

Doyoumind · 19/07/2025 23:58

I think it's important to understand if they all live close to each other and OP lives elsewhere. That could be part of the reason.

I don't agree with people saying not to drag the DM into it. She colluded by being there. If she only found out about the exclusion on the day and didn't agree she should have made DSis tell OP why or let her know herself, unless there's some massive back story.

Brefugee · 19/07/2025 23:59

gosh, I'd leave the family WhatsApp and bin your mum off for Monday.
And see what happens.

ThePoshUns · 19/07/2025 23:59

Just ask on the family WhatsApp why you weren’t invited?
‘hi I saw you all went out for sister name birthday, I’m just wondering why I wasn’t invited?’

Viviennemary · 20/07/2025 00:00

Bubblesgun · 19/07/2025 23:53

@50FreezeOut1 you know most time i would say look at yourself before you look at someone else.

but in this instance I d be peroperly pissed.
i would whatsapp and say “thank you for the invite… not. Hope you enjoyed the evening. I am going to take some time processing how ai feel about being excluded, and decide how I want to move forward. I will let you know”.

and take as much time as you need.

They dont deserve an explanation Just cut them off.