Not invited to DSis big birthday

[50FreezeOut1]

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

I’d go the route of “Hi, I see you had a good birthday meal DSis. Why wasn’t I invited?’

Do it, it’ll feel good to get it off your chest.

Then after they reply some bullshit reason (unless there is some drip feed we’re not aware of), I’d just leave the WhatsApp group and get some space from them all.

Definitely ask your sister. I'd hang fire on assumptions about anyone else. If I were going to a family thing it wouldn't occur to me ask if a sibling/child had been invited as I'd just assume they have been. They might not have found out until they turned up and you don't know what your sister told them.

Really appreciate all the posts and perspectives. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do but everyone's input, even if completely different, helps me understand how I feel about each suggestion. A few points of clarity:

They live within 10-30 minutes of each other. I live 60 minutes away.
It wasn't mentioned in the family WhatsApp group so everyone must have been invited individually or in another group I'm not aware of.
I got the present delivered to my BIL so she would have it on the morning of her birthday. So she's had it already. No message of thanks received for it yet.
My other Sis and B were in the present group and contributed so knew about it but still didn't think to mention the party.
We see each other about 6 times a year usually. I thought we'd next see each other for her birthday but as it was the first evening of the summer holidays and I know she likes to travel I wondered if she'd gone to Vegas or somewhere memorable for it instead of a get together. It was another family member's birthday in May so it's a normal thing in our family to get together for meals for birthdays.

I didn't want to mention it in my original post so I could get clear perspectives on this incident as a stand alone event. But for my DM's big birthday 3 years ago I was excluded from her actual birthday lunch. She did have a party organised for the next day and I was invited to and did go to that. But at that party my siblings were talking about the lunch they'd had for her actual birthday. I was flabbergasted because I'd suggested me leaving early from work and us all going out for lunch. They live closer so could even have done it on their lunch break but I needed more planning. They literally ignored that message and the next message on the group was a few days later, something banal about a TV programme or something. So I'd tried to organise lunch and was met with silence. Then apparently on the day they all spontaneously decided to take her out and no-one invited me. My DM even specifically messaged my other Sis to invite her when Bro and Sis50 had messaged her about lunch. Wouldn't want Sis to be left out but nevermind Freeze! Apparently that's because I live 'too far away' (60 mins - 50 without traffic) but I have an early finish one day a week and could easily have swapped even on the day. My work is very flexible.

So yes. There is form there but I was very hurt when it happened 3 years ago. I ended up crying in the toilets (trying not to ruin DM's party) but then next day I did ask all of them why I wasn't invited and the excuses were as above. And pretty poor.

I did ask last time and the excuses were unconvincing. I want to be direct and ask Sis50 but that might be the trip switch that blows up the whole extended family unit forever and guess who'd get blamed for that?

I am a very normal, friendly helpful person. Help out on the PTA etc. Make new friends easily as I'm sociable in an appropriate way (not a babbler etc). Am liked throughout the extended family. But not by my siblings it would seem. We do have different political opinions (me Lab them Tory) but I am very socially aware and don't ever bring politics up with anyone unless they do.

I don't want to be the one blamed for destroying the e.g. 'Edgeworth' family unit but I don't know how to respond to this without it all blowing up in my face and it all being blamed on me.

Agree with this - your sister has been pretty awful to you and the rest of your family have gone along with it - so no one has said anything like ‘‘where were you Saturday night’ or ‘we missed you’ ?
Think I’d give them all a wide berth for a bit, actually a long time.
Unforgivable really - I would be devastated tbh.

Absolutely horrible of your family. Esp since there's form.
I wouldn't confront them, you will be blamed and you are unlikely to get honest answer. I also def wouldn't contribute in anyway to future gifts.
I would be devastated.
Don't contact any of them. Be aloof and detached when they contact you. I hope you have other people in your life to support you through this.

I can understand you bring deeply hurt because along with the other event it does sound a deliberate choice to leave you out.

Not receiving any thanks for the gift does also seem off.

With them living a bit closer does it mean they see each other more frequently and are generally closer?

I’m one of 8 children and we are scattered all over the country but we all get invited to everything and if we can all make it then we all turn up, no hard feelings if any of us can’t for whatever reason but I can’t imagine any of my brothers or sisters (or me) not mentioning it to each other or checking who is going if a table needs to be booked or whatever.

This feels deliberate and sneaky and I’m sorry OP but it seems like your siblings are nasty cunts

Ahh in that case. Don’t give them the satisfaction.

Cancel your plans with your mum due to “feeling ill”. Mute the WA group and pay them no mind. They don’t pay you anything! Honestly just don’t worry about them.

Just withdraw totally. If anyone asks you about it - just say “oh I just live too far away, it’s hard to stay in touch”

"I don't want to be the one blamed for destroying the e.g. 'Edgeworth' family unit but I don't know how to respond to this without it all blowing up in my face and it all being blamed on me"

You have choices on how to respond. . Ultimately you are seeking acceptance from people (and I know they are family) who may not give it to you. You can take control by not seeking it from them.

Given the "form" here from your family you have a couple of options.

1. Ask Sis/DM why you were not invited cue a range of responses such as "too far away/didn't think you wanted to/ so and so was supposed to ask you/ childcare/ work etc etc bullshit. But be prepared for the bullshit. Don't be the one to rise.

1. Want to remain in contact with them for the wider family visits, you "smile and wave". "Sorry what photos of your birthday I didn't seem them? Oh I bet that was lovely" Grey rock is your friend here.

1. Go nuclear and ask why you weren't invited post the photos etc. on the family chat. That probably isn't going to help your cause.

1. Maybe re prioritise other things on your life and have and just have dealings with them on your own terms.

I know you are very hurt and I understand that, but think through any response for what YOU want and sometimes it doesn't need one. And if you give no response then noone can blame you for anything right?

I’d phone your sister and ask her straight out why she didn’t invite you to the celebration. I wouldn’t text, she’ll ignore it.

If your siblings have excluded you before, you don’t have anything to lose by confronting her. I think you need to get this out into the open and find out why they’re excluding you. The answer may not be nice, but it’s better to know than carry on like this. You don’t need to go nuclear, just say that you genuinely want to know what’s going.

Sorry - just saw that you sent a present. Honestly, call and ask for it back. I am horrified. They're arseholes.

They're really awful. Honestly I'd step back for a bit and try to really reflect on the family dynamics before deciding what to do. I wouldn't message, I'd mute the chat and cancel any future plans as they come up.

I’m sorry OP. They are deliberately excluding you as evident from your DM’s lunch that you’ve updated on. Not even given a thank you for your sister’s birthday gift as well and your other siblings didn’t mention the birthday get together despite contributing to the present. No way that was a mistake.

Who do you think is driving this in your family?

They obviously wanted you to find out, and be upset, otherwise why post the pics on a platform they knew you would see them on?

I’d be inclined to post a message on the group WhatsApp along the lines of

‘Well, well, well, another family event
I’ve been excluded from. I don’t know what I’ve done to upset you all that would make you behave like this, you knew it would hurt me and obviously wanted it to which is why you’ve tried to rub my nose in it with the pictures, this is not how a decent family behaves so from now I’ll let you carry on without me and remove myself from this group and this family. Monday’s cancelled btw Mum and I hope Sis50’s present is a constant reminder of what a nasty bitch she was to her sister. Fuck you Freeze xx

I would t give a shit about being blamed for ‘destroying the family’. They don’t sound much of one and I’d have to get what I wanted to say out no matter the consequences.

That's very hurtful. What did you do? X

@50FreezeOut1 You appear to have used your family name in your most recent post, you may wish to report it to MN to ask to have it edited if you have missed the time to do it yourself

I don't think that is her real family name.

It may not be but I have done something similar in the past and didnt notice until it was pointed out to me so paying it forward just in case.

They’ve done it twice now. They don’t care if they hurt your feelings. My stomach actually dropped reading this and I cannot imagine how you felt, but I have seen this one time with a family before when the much more successful sibling moved away and earned more money. It was jealousy and having a narcissistic mother who almost punished them for not staying in her tiny little local web. So the rest of the family with the nasty bitch mother at the core then normalized excluding the sibling. To be clear your mother is a huge bitch for not shutting this down.

Im not sure if you have children OP but would you allow this to happen to one of them? Because most of us Mothers would NEVER. I would never condone a secret family chat or not including one of my children.

So to be clear, all of them are TWATS.

And so I wouldn’t say anything at all. I expect they either don’t care or won’t see your side anyway. I really recommend the book ‘let them.’ They want to exclude you? Let them. What you can now control is the effort and boundaries you adjust moving forwards. I live abroad and so it’s just my husband and kids and I and I promise you my kids don’t even really notice. Fill your time with your partner, children, friends, things that bring you joy and make you happy!! I’d be cordial but not making anymore plans for a while with your family and I’d be doing the gray rock method also. And NO MONEY for anything on them! Basically close the door for a little bit and give yourself some time to heal. I highly recommend therapy because this isn’t ok and therapy will really help you see it’s a then issue. I expect your mother is a narcissist and you are likely the scapegoat child.

DO NOT SEE YOUR WITCH OF A MOTHER MONDAY!! if 60 mins is too far to be invited for a meal then whoops too far to see her. I hope you know you’re officially off the hook for looking after when she’s old and needy, but I expect magically 60mins won’t seem so far to your nasty siblings.

I'm so sorry OP, that was shit of them. I think if it was me, I'd meet with my mother as planned. I wouldn't let on I knew anything about it at all.

I'd start by asking how's things, any news? Presumably her reply would be "no, no news". So I'd ask how her weekend went, did she go anywhere nice? "No, didn't go anywhere". At this stage I'd fully expect her to be squirming in her seat. Then I'd ask her if DS got the gift you contributed to, as she hadn't acknowledged your contribution. (Any normal person would realise at this point that you know all about the meal out).

Then I'd say that we really must get together for DS's birthday meal, when does she think will suit, can she suggest any particular restaurant. Basically, I'd enjoy making her squirm.

As others have said, grey rock. If your DM does cave and tell you about their outing, ask why you've been left out yet again.

After that I'd part with my dignity intact (I'd hope!) and just get on with my life and leave them to it.

I do appreciate though that you may not wish to cut off all your family. In which case just continue to grey rock, be only mildly interested in them, meet up only when it suits you and certainly don't bother making any effort for any of them.

Tbh, they sound toxic. But I wish you all the best whatever way you approach it 🌺

I wonder do you drink too much or do you have form for having fights with someone? Otherwise if not, then really they’re horrible

I'd get onto the WhatsApp group and ask why you were excluded. If you get a satisfactory answer, fine. If not, tell them so and take a break from them for a while or forever.

It's a very hurtful situation, especially when your parents are involved.

Possibly the wrong thread?

@50FreezeOut1 personally, I would go with cancelling any further meetings you have with them, muting the whatsapp group and getting on with your life. I may be cold hearted but I'd never give them another thought as it's clear they didn't give you any thought. I'd probably exit the whatsapp group to be honest, but maybe leave it a few months.

In the event that any of them ever ask, my response would be something like "I can take a hint. It's clear from your actions what your intentions were, so I'm honouring them. Cheerio".

It sounds like even if you raise it with your sister you won’t really get a reason why you were left out.

Do they make effort to celebrate your birthday?

I think I’d start putting the same effort into your relationship with them as they do with you.