Not invited to DSis big birthday

[50FreezeOut1]

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

I'm really sorry for you, OP. It hurts like hell once you realise your place in the family. You've had good advice here, and you sound strong. I wish you well.

I think in your shoes I'd quietly remove myself from the family group. I'd message my Dad to say I'm really hurt by being excluded again from a big family event particularly as the family organiser of the 50th gift, that I value my relationship with him and it is in no way reflective of how you feel about him.

I'm not sure I could be bothered to meet up with DM in the holidays. For what? More implied criticism? I'd be tempted to suggest only meeting in places she'd hate but I'm petty like that.

For all those saying confront, that just feeds this dynamic and causes tons more drama and will get thrown into her face every time she sees them.

I'm big on confrontation. But not where there's no chance of anything at all positive coming out of it. And there is no way for OP to win anything. It will make things worse. This is where inaction is the best policy. Don't return calls and texts, if anyone tries to force contact just say things are busy. Be the greyest rock in a sea of grey rocks.

One thing. The mom may be the narc but the dad could be the enforcer. He might be the one to really beware of. When things don't go the narc's way, the enforcer can try to impose the narc's will and be really harsh about it.

So sorry for your situation OP. Please try to let them go and you will find it helps clear the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) from your mind. They are banking on you will meekly not saying anything. I'd post on the group site saying it would have been nice to have been thanked for the present you had organised and contributed an equal share to and that you're not sure what you have done to deserve being left out of family events nor how they can all be complicit in excluding you which is bullying behaviour. I would then remove myself from the group so I didn't have to see their crappy responses. No point asking why they've done this as you will just get BS excuses. If anyone really didn't know about it and does actually care, they will contact you directly. Don't expect this though.

I wouldn't recommend calling your "D"Sis or "D"M. If you need to say something then face-to-face is best as they can't hide their reactions and don't have time to give a measured response the way they can over the phone or when messaging.

I'd be ignoring them after this and getting on with my life and investing in other family members from your partner's side and friends.

It isn't you, it is them. You are a good person, they just need a scapegoat and they won't be able to ever admit that.

This happened to me with my sister's 40th. I'd thrown a tea party for her the week before because I thought she hadn't organised anything. Then I found out her DH had, but not invited us! (I get on perfectly well with him).

I was really hurt! It would never have occurred to me 10 years ago to leave her/them out of a significant event.

10 years on and we've got a perfectly cordial relationship but it showed me very clearly that we weren't as close as I'd thought we were, so I distanced myself a bit and prioritised friends more.

It's them, not you. Really thoughtless to share pictures like that.

Just remember it when making future decisions.

Were you the only excluded family member though? I do think it's okay to have separate celebrations with friends and family and I wouldn't always expect to include my siblings in all my socialising, or for them to include me. But the OP has been excluded very specifically, more than once, when her other family members haven't. It's so mean.

I don't think confrontation would be the answer but I really feel Op you should voice your hurt, for your own piece of mind. Your family has let you down repeatedly. I mean baby rushed to hospital and family not rushing to help and support. Wow. I think if you didn't want closure you wouldn't have posted which is why i suggested speaking out. Leave no 'maybe'.

I agree. If you go nc without asking why, you’ll always be left wondering. But be preheated for some evasive answers.

Well try reading all the posts over the last couple of days to understand the context.

Yes, I have been excluded from a number of events where my parents were invited and my mum shows me pictures of them and says how nice they were!

Anyway it's not about me but I do understand how hurt the OP feels.

It is crap when you realise you're a "second rank" person to your own family.

I've just read the rest of your posts. My god, distance yourself from these awful people! Stick with the nice auntie and visit your dad one to one.

You can't express your political views, you have to people please all the time, your kids are considered second best to their cousins, they're snobby, materialist and your brother let you down when it really mattered. Ugh!

Stick with the nice auntie and visit your dad one to one.

Be careful here. I am not sure that there is much more to know - they are bullying and enjoy discharging their toxicity on to you and your family for sport.

When you change the dynamic by carefully withdrawing - it will eventually frustrate them and the 'flying monkey's' (your DF and possibly DA) will be dispatched to lure you back inot punching distance or some 'health' crisis with your DF or DM will be fabricated to trigger your reaction / response / return.

Also having been in this situation I had a to have boundaries with 'neutral' family members that I didnt want info about the others or to discuss the rift - and I was very careful what info I shared from my life as I knew this would get back. It hurt to hear about them out of context - so I always shut down any info coming my way. Its a very painful place to be - but fine if you are very intentional with building out your friendships based on reciprocal kindness and respect. My own mother was also the black sheep of her family but always turned up to family events she was invited to out of a sense of duty (she was exluded from most) but at these she was always treated with PA comments - I dont know why she continued going out of some sense of family 'loyalty' - and I vowed if this ever happened to me I would have no hesitation in not attending,

read the whole thread

Well, that's definitely the voice of experience @knackredd! I'm sorry that happened to you, and to your mum.

I don’t understand why you’re trying to make yourself smaller for people who clearly are inferior to you.
You are successful on your own terms and are entitled to your own opinions and ideas.
Do not dim your light at all.
Distance yourself from the horrible relatives. Life is too short for all this nonsense.

I'm relieved for you, OP, that you are now seeing their behaviour for what it is. Growing up in this sort of dynamic can make it hard to see it as you think it's normal for people to do this, when in fact you are the normal one and the rest are just horrible.
I think if I were in your situation I wouldn't say anything about it to anyone, even your aunt. What you don't share, no-one can gossip about. I'd avoid speaking to any of them until I'd thought of some neutral phrases I could just trot out without having to think too hard.
I would also not make any effort with them. They're not going to change their opinions of you, so why bother? Channel your energies into people & activities that make you feel good, instead.

What a lovely phrase You are successful on your own terms

I'm going to keep that and remember it. Thank you.

There is no such thing as being neutral - it is complicit when a family member is being hurt or abused.

Iam very sad what's happened to you, families eh! I have nc with my father and my sister, my late mother although I loved her, had a preference for my sister, infact both parents did. Stop looking for validation from your parents, difficult I.know xx

So your dh didn’t invite you of his own accord or did his wife ask him not t

Sorry @WayhomeI don't quite understand your comment and in any case I'm not the OP.

You’re welcome.
To me there are different types of success. The idea that whoever has the biggest pile of money or the best car is somehow the ‘winner’ is a trap.
You only have to look at America to see where that idea leads.
Being a good person, doing something that helps someone else, being a good parent, following your passions etc etc are undervalued a lot of the time.
I am the black sheep of the family as well so I feel for you.
We only have limited time on this earth so spend it with people that add to your life rather than take away.

did you dh not invite you because he didn’t want you there? Or because your sister didn’t want you there? I’m not clear who you went low contact with

It was her sisters dh who didn't invite her. Not her own dh.