Not invited to DSis big birthday

[50FreezeOut1]

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

This, so beautifully put.

If you can’t do it for you, please do it for your dc or the abusive cycle WILL continue. Please know your dc will grow up thinking this is normal and will continue to have terrible relationships that harm them into the future, as second class citizens in their own family.

Please don’t put them through anymore of this op.

Reply to the FB post: Looks like a good time with everyone except me. Why wasn't my family and I invited to your birthday, Dsis?
You've got nothing to lose.

I haven’t read the whole thread - has anyone mentioned Toxic Parents yet…

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/103999.Toxic_Parents

I can't imagine having a family event and excluding one person. No loving family does that.

I can relate to this. Not much of a contributor but wanted to tell you how lovely you sound in your posts, but also I felt sad that you are trying to convince yourself of that. You are - but unfortunately we cant choose our families though. Ive learnt this the hard way! You focus on your little family, and leave them to it!

This isn’t real Stop wasting your time

It’s as I suspected because I saw this dynamic a mile off having dealt with similar with in laws.

PLEASE protect your children from this. Mine genuinely don’t care or even miss the family they don’t see. When they saw them it caused constant upset, why does grandparent like x more, why does x get taken on day trips out and we don’t, why does x get more for their birthday/christmas etc, why is grandparent always using their time with US to bead about what x is doing and their achievements etc. It’s AWFUL and we couldn’t stand to see our children treated as less than. We flipped the dynamic on its head and that grandparent is excluded from our lives as much as possible with minimal contact between my husband and them.

If you can’t do it for you OP, do it for them. And a big hug!

Once you read about the family dynamics your mind will be amazed at how much of it will ring true for you. And let that nasty sister be the one to care for mummy dearest when she gets elderly. Do NOT allow you as the scapegoat child to be treated as the unpaid carer. They have genuinely done you a favor now by releasing you from all responsibility.

Look up strategies for dealing with nasty mother but don’t expose your children to this shit! It will eat at them.

She does as she’s dealing with a narc mother and this will absolutely blow up and OP will be dealing with real nasty shit then. Best to just let it be for her own mental wellbeing. It’s not like she will gain anything from this approach other than a torrent of crap.

They will love her reaction and feed off the drama for months if not years. Silence and indifference are the only thing that will work - agreed. No reaction whatsoever is the way to go . You are not dealing with normal, reasonable people.

They will a 100% flip this to be op ruining her sister’s ‘special’ birthday, and how can op be so cruel
as to ruin it for her. You will see a perfect, classic example of DAVRO in this scenario. Do not hand this to them. Absolute silence, and do not engage is far more powerful.

I think that your sister's friends all told her how much they liked you and how much they enjoyed talking to you and that put her nose out of joint. Your narc mum seems to have managed to raise three children in her own image, only caring about wealth and status while you are the scapegoat because you care about people. You unintentionally show them up for the shallow and superficial people that they are.

You sound absolutely lovely. Them, not so much.

@50FreezeOut1 - I think it may have been mentioned by pp, have you come across the “But we took you to Stately Homes” threads which are long-running on the Relationships boards?You might find them interesting, and even helpful for your situation. This is the most recent one: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5365921-july-2025-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

This sums things up beautifully.

I’d also add on that while you don’t value money in terms of a person’s earnings it sounds like they do. Sad as it is the fact that you chose a vocation v corporate (which they all chose) could just mean they see you as less.

I’d block them all and see how you move forward.

And a final thought, if any of them pretend not to get it, and do actually approach you about it, send them a link to this thread.

Not one of that invited group mentioned to you “ see you Monday” or “where were you ? Very odd and hurtful. Ask her! No point in beating around the bush? Something is strange. Did she like the gift then why weren’t you invited?

I am sorry this has happened to you - I am one of five children and I have three sisters. I have one sister who always leaves me out - we’ve all come to the conclusion she is jealous of me. Not for the obvious things - I’m about 6/7 years older than her - but there are some emotional things I have she’s envious of. Your sister and sister siblings might have wealth - but you seem to be happy with a fulfilling career, loving partner and great kids. I’m guessing your sister is envious of you and doesn’t want to around for these reasons - and she seems to rule the roost so everyone else is spineless as they want to avoid her roth.

It’s not odd if you have experience of narcissistic families. It’s all part of the control. Absolutely deliberate.

To normal people it’s unthinkable, of course it is, but for those of us with five plus decades of exactly this behaviour are not remotely surprised in the least. This is about power not love, and keeping everyone in their place.

This. Well expressed, @Katrinawaves !

That may be, but there are often few opportunities to hold others accountable and this might be OP's chance to confront the shitty behaviour, say what she needs to say and move on.
I take your point, though.

This isn’t just confront one or two people

this is a group of 10 adults who all seem perfectly happy to have keep this event from the OP and to have enjoyed said event without the OP’s presence.

It may end up being a catalogue of reasons from 10 people as to why the OP wasn’t invited
or
it may end up tumbleweed as no one really bothered to answer

either way…. I’d take the hint and simply withdraw with zero drama from the group

Well unless all over social media one by one the family members begin posting the reasons why they didn’t want the OP there and others chime in in agreement

The only way you’re going to find out is to outright ask her!

I did just this - I confronted the behaviour over and over again politely and gently - a well considered and thoughtful question. Sounds reasonable enough? To most people it would have been fine.

Narcissistic families do not take kindly to having the torch of truth lighting up their very poor and often cruel behaviour - it makes them look bad. They will immediately double down, blame op, call her difficult and unkind and accuse her of hurting her sister: they will say op wasn’t invited because she is so ‘difficult’ and no one knows how to ‘manage her’ despite the opposite being true.

Op has been painted as the difficult awful one in the family, and nothing and no one is going to shift that narrative, despite the fact she is so lovely and caring.

They will gang up, cause drama, talk about her, create a real issue and this will blow up to be something even bigger than it is now, because she had the audacity to challenge them. They will blame her for sure.

So just calling them out is just stepping into their trap. They will gas light her, attack her character and blame her for wrecking the family and her sister’s 50th birthday. Trust me this is the worst thing she could do. It doesn’t pave the way for an honest and open discussion, it just causes more drama and hostility.

Leave the chat without a word, go low contact. Stop sharing information with them. Step away from all of them emotionally and physically. Protect yourself and your children from such toxicity. You don’t need to cut them off, but stop spending any time with them. They need to be at the bottom of your priority list.

They know exactly what they have done.

Political leanings and salaries are a red herring. Siblings don't stop loving siblings unless they're enabled and encouraged to. Your father didn't put his foot down for you. Your hurt feelings are valid. Speak to all your family and make your hurt plain. It's up to them then. I'm sorry this happened to you.

You sound lovely @50FreezeOut1. You have a lovely DH and DC and many friends. Please concentrate on yourself and your immediate family and friends who value you. It is a shame that your family do not but that is life and, sadly, not so unusual. Back away from them, don't be available, block notifications on the What'sApp group. I suggested this tactic earlier but now even more so because of what you said about your DC noticing.

Absolutely no point in doing this in a narc type family as they will turn the whole thing back on her. Much better to concentrate on your own life and be happy with those that do love you. Fortunately, it sounds as if the OP has plenty of people who respect and admire her for who she is.