Not invited to DSis big birthday

[50FreezeOut1]

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

They sound awful. Mute and archive the WhatsApp group. Let them get in touch through other meams if they want to, but if I were you I'd withdraw and try not to give them a second thought. They truly sound dreadful.

Do you mean you think it's a made up story? Report it if you think this.

At this stage I think you've nothing to lose in just out right asking Sis50 why you and your family weren't invited and be honest and say you were hurt by it. See what they say.

If she says she's hurt, they'll get off on that. They'll also give gaslightish excuses rather than real reasons.

OP, watch out for the attempts to draw you back in when they realize that you are not going to play their sad little games any more. Don't be fooled, things will not change with them

I actually have this book and I started reading it after the DM big birthday lunch exclusion. I had to stop because it was really upsetting but now might be the time to give it another go.

That is a REALLY good point about me ruining her big birthday if I say anything. Thank you so much! You are exactly right.

100% agree with you. This is what they want - they are not a rational family - they are an enmeshed system fuelled by negative energy targeted at you. Dont give them any pleasure and satisfaction of the reaction they crave - dont hand them the bullets to shoot you with. Grey rock, info diet, fade .... calm and collected. Be boring to them. Be indifferent and fill your emotional life up elsewhere with good friends. Dont let them rope you back in once they notice you slipping away - thats only a trap so they can get you back into punching distance so that they get to land their blows again in the ugly sport they all love.

What a load of fuckers.

There is one thing to remember about being the family scapegoat and just quietly walking away - they need you, that's why they try to hoover you back. Its really important you don't get suckered back in; remind yourself its not you they need, its a scapegoat. The drama they thrive on can't happen without one.

I disagree. You cannot diagnose from this. Op must talk to her siblings and detail how hurt she is, for her own sake.

They will close ranks, turn it back on OP and make her the bad guy and the troublemaker. It's pointless as they won't admit that they have deliberately excluded her and their annoyance at being called out for their behaviour will increase their animosity towards OP.

Dignified silence from OP will be much more effective. She will maintain relationships with the nice members of her extended family.

The thing to remember about being the scapegoat is - you didn't do anything. Scapegoathood is not earned, it is assigned randomly by a narcissist. There is nothing about you - absolutely NOTHING - that makes you 'deserve' to be the family scapegoat. You might not believe this, but that's a lifetime of being trained as the family scapegoat talking, not reality.

Your family know it, even if you don't. Each and every one of your siblings will have an unacknowledged thought whispering to them - 'it could have been you, and if it weren't for her, it still could be'. They know without knowing that your narcissistic mother requires a scapegoat, and if you were to no longer fulfil that role, she WILL assign the role to one of them. So I would seriously think about stepping back from your family and setting that particular cat amongst the pigeons.

Worth bearing in mind also, is your father's role - the Enabler. He failed you. As a father he should have protected you, and he didn't. Whilst you sound to me to be able to forgive, I do hope you do not forget that betrayal.

I agree about maintaining a dignified silence. I have/?had a truly elder toxic sister, who was absolutely vile to me. She was jealous of my academic success and anything else that she thought that I was better at than she was. She married a man who tried to sexually abuse me and refused to believe that he had done so. I alerted her to what I thought was his inappropriate behaviour with their daughter. She ignored me. I haven't heard from her for thirty-five years and she is probably dead. Our mother tried to paper over the cracks, saying "Oh - she didn't really mean it . . ." She did.

Might they be fed up that you are more personable than them and would take some of the attention from them?

I could be writing this. Always the black sheep, never good enough despite being the achiever (DB not academic and in a low level job - written to show you once you’re the black sheep, it doesn’t matter what you’re doing, it will be wrong!).

I do live a long way from them, I used to visit but they made us so unwelcome and I don’t hear from DB one month to the next. DM used to send me links on ‘stop the boats’ and similar racist drivel via Facebook. I’m even more excluded now I don’t join in the race hatred openly.

Forget them, OP, they’re twats. It will never change. Like you, our kids are very low on the list which is sad, but just focus on your own lovely family

Yes you've been chosen as the narc scapegoat.

Keep away. You're better than them.

Me too. Course the mum is involved. Why did she not say where is op? Stand up for you?

Because she initially did the excluding of the OP from her own big birthday celebration, as the OP said in one of her earlier posts:

But for my DM's big birthday 3 years ago I was excluded from her actual birthday lunch. She did have a party organised for the next day and I was invited to and did go to that. But at that party my siblings were talking about the lunch they'd had for her actual birthday. I was flabbergasted because I'd suggested me leaving early from work and us all going out for lunch.

That would make them monstrous, in my opinion. If they can afford it, they can afford to chip in a few pounds each to sub OP so she can join them.

OP, it is tough to be ousted by family. But it can free you up and toughen you up. You don't have to pretend, accommodate them, please them etc any longer. Maybe chat with your aunt who clearly has some sympathy and insight - get a clearer picture from her, for your own peace of mind. But then stop trying. It is heartbreaking to keep wanting family to love you in a way they never will. It is hard but ultimately happier to recognise this and put your affection and energy elsewhere.

Perhaps they feel guilty when you are around, as if you judge them for their material greed by having chosen a more vocational path. You wouldn't have to behave holier than thou for them to feel this. Just the act of taking a different path could make them feel their values are being exposed.

Also, if you haven't yet, do join the Stately Homes thread on here. Honestly, that saved my sanity a decade or so ago. I very timidly asked if things my dad had done and my mum had said to me were normal.

The flood of replies full of loving kindness and perception and support I got after posting overwhelmed me. It helped me see clearly. People were SO supportive and had such resourceful, practical advice, not just sympathy. I didn't spend long on there as I chose to act on the advice, step away from family and didn't want to keep digging into old wounds. But the advice i got radically changed my relationship with my parents. I came off antidepressants for the first time in my adult life and never went back on. My depression vanished almost overnight when I stopped trying to please my parents and hoping they'd treat me with love.

Recognising the toxic dynamic of narcissistic abuse is not making a diagnosis, and refusing to play the role of scapegoat is an act of self defence. Being assertive in these situations is pointless. You can only be assertive when all parties are being assertive.

Watch out though, because the enabler actually gets a kick out of their role as the 'nice, calm, tolerant' one but will always side with the narcissist. Don't raise expectations that he will be fully supportive.

I was firmly on team tell-them-all-to-feck-right-off, because that's what I'd do, but after reading your updates I agree that it wouldn't help at all.

It does seem like you're the scapegoat and anything negative you say will be spun to make you the problem.

It's great that your employer offers therapy. I'd be grabbing that with both hands.

As far as DM and siblings go, I'd be going very low contact. It sounds like your kids are now realising they are second best, too. Save them that pain, OP. They do not have to be around your family if it's not in their best interests.

You sound lovely, but honestly, in every awful tale we hear like this, the scapegoat is always the nice one!

As you are the youngest that means you will have a big birthday at some point. If I was you I wouldn't factor in your siblings and Mother into any plans as it would probably ruin your birthday. Just plan around your husband, children and true friends, that way you won't be disappointed. If your siblings say anything just reply sister's 50th.