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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to DSis big birthday

614 replies

50FreezeOut1 · 19/07/2025 22:42

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

OP posts:
FlawlessShiv · 20/07/2025 21:50

This is awful and I truly sympathise OP. It’s hurtful when you think you are close with family yet they go ahead to purposely exclude you from personal events and you don’t understand why. Let me tell you, it’s not you it’s them.
My DH was recently informed of the birth of his DB’s second child.
His parents and siblings knew of the pregnancy. The only one kept in the dark was DH.
My DH is the non confrontational type. He was very much in shock that his DB, whom he is closest to out of all his siblings and is in regular contact with, chose to not inform DH him and his wife were having a baby. My DH is feeling hurt and confused but does not want to ruffle feathers with his family by asking why he was kept in the dark.
I have let him know how I feel but ultimately taken a step back to allow him to process the hurt.
Some families are super weird or toxic. You should consider how you broach the conversation with your mother if you plan to do so because this has a potential to sever ties. Ultimately, it is a betrayal from people closest to you, so unexpectedly and that cuts deep.

Katrinawaves · 20/07/2025 22:00

Another thing which may help @50FreezeOut1 is to think very coldly and objectively about which of them you actually like and would choose to spend time with if not related.

It seems for example your dad is in the keeper pile. What about your mum. Are all the siblings objectively keepers or just some of them/their children only

Once you know who you value in their own right, you could then assess whether they would want to continue a relationship with you and reach out to them individually if so, and just let the others drop quietly.

Its honestly liberating when you can get to the place where it’s you choosing and defining the relationship rather than others.

whitewineandsun · 20/07/2025 22:00

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/07/2025 16:51

The back story is often that children are assigned family roles, one being Golden Child and the other Scapegoat. Nothing the child has actually done 'qualifies' them for the role, they are essentially randomly assigned by a narcissistic parent (the other parent usually being a more passive Enabler of the Narcissist - anything for a quiet life, eh? Even if it involves fucking up your kids.)

Golden Child - sun shines out of their arse, praised for remembering to breathe in and out alternately, showered with material goods. Often ends up as an infantilised spoiled waster, unable to deal with a world which expects more of them than breathing in and out.

Scapegoat - socialised from birth to be grateful for any crumbs that might fall their way from the Affection Table, and expected to constantly demonstrate gratitude for said crumbs. Made clear to them from an early age that material goods are not going to be just handed over to them by their parents, they'll have to work hard for them and actually buy everything they need/want for themselves. Often ends up as a very capable person able to handle pretty much anything life throws at them, but crippled by low self-esteem and people-pleasing tendencies.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad. (Thank you, Philip Larkin.)

If you don't know any Golden Children / Scapegoats personally (and many of us do, once we sit down and think about it), there's plenty to be found here at Mumsnet, particularly on the Stately Homes threads.

Show quote history

This... all of this.

JustSaying10 · 20/07/2025 22:06

This has made me so sad OP. I bet you are warm and interesting and that people are naturally drawn to your orbit. Your family should be proud of that, it should be special to them. But I suspect their insecurities are the issue here. In their minds, they are the successful ones, the ones who did it by the book so why does everyone end up talking to you? If you're not there, their social skills are less of an issue.

thelakeisle · 20/07/2025 22:10

Laura95167 · 20/07/2025 21:43

Id just ask. Dsis directly in an attempt to get honesty or DM if I wanted to play it politically

But either way id say - how come i wasn't invited to the birthday meal?

I certainly wouldn't feel better isolating myself further and secretly huffing. Id absolutely need to know

She asked the last time they did this, they did not answer. Of course going cap in hand to them again is a terrible idea, and it's not secretly huffing to simply ignore people who have chosen to exclude you, it's just getting on with your life without their drama.

thelakeisle · 20/07/2025 22:12

whitewineandsun · 20/07/2025 22:00

This... all of this.

Show quote history

Right. Based on the OPs replies, she seems self aware and not entitled or the type to start arguments, and yes this might well be the case.

Bottom line anyway, if any of them hate her for any reason at all, they are foul hypocrites for taking presents from her and including her in group chats. If you despise someone enough to treat them like this, you simply don't engage with them. There is one reason only to do so, and that's to rub her face in it.

Original poster
50FreezeOut1 · 20/07/2025 22:16

Katrinawaves · 20/07/2025 22:00

Another thing which may help @50FreezeOut1 is to think very coldly and objectively about which of them you actually like and would choose to spend time with if not related.

It seems for example your dad is in the keeper pile. What about your mum. Are all the siblings objectively keepers or just some of them/their children only

Once you know who you value in their own right, you could then assess whether they would want to continue a relationship with you and reach out to them individually if so, and just let the others drop quietly.

Its honestly liberating when you can get to the place where it’s you choosing and defining the relationship rather than others.

I had this conversation with my BF after the first exclusion. The honest answer is I would choose none of them to hang out with. They aren't my kind of people because they value money and status over being a nice person. However, I have at no point even vaguely let on about that because there in lies arguments. They tell each other how much they earn and I sit there listening not contributing but also not rejecting or withdrawing from the conversation. Probably grey rocking to be honest! But one on one I can find lots to talk about because I'm genuinely interested in their DC and what they're up to.

My DF is a reflective person so he's really good to talk to and also I find him really interesting in terms of his interests. My DM pooh poohs his hobbies, interests etc but I find people who are energised and enthusiastic about something really interesting. We don't have to agree but we never fall out because we listen to each other's point of view.

My DM picked a really obvious fight about something Labour had done which I also disagreed with (think winter fuel allowance or similar) and she tried really hard to get angry at me but I wouldn't bite. My DF asked me my opinion on a fiscal policy (🤓 honestly I promise I did not start these conversations!) and I explained it to him in a way which helped him rethink his position on it. Sis50 was complaining about it at Christmas and DF actually defended it using my argument!

So no. Objectively we don't have a lot in common but that's no reason to be cruel to someone in your family and cut them out. I could have been sat with DH and DC at one end, next to DF and DM and noone would have had to talk to me! Obviously you only have my word for it but it happens fairly frequently that I meet the friends of my friends and they end up friend requesting me or swapping numbers. I promise I'm not boasting but I do easily get on with people.

My DA and I get on well and we meet up a couple of times a year because she lives a long way away but we always manage to find something that works for both of us. My DA mentioned last time we met that Sis50 never asks how her DC and GC are but always goes on about how her own DC are doing. So even my DA (who is absolutely lovely) had a bit of a moan about Sis50. DA wasn't invited to the meal but she's less close to my siblings than me because they don't make the effort with her that I do. I genuinely like her.

OP posts:
Sakura7 · 20/07/2025 22:16

Based on your update OP it does sound like your DM is a narcissist and you have been designated the family scapegoat.

No normal loving mother would treat her child like this, or be ashamed because you're in a regular job rather than a high powered one.

Earlier on the thread I said you should call them out, but now I would simply leave the WhatsApp group and block them until you've got a clearer head.

You've done so well for yourself growing up in that dynamic and it sounds like you've created a lovely family unit of your own, so focus on them. As a PP said, your parents and siblings attitude towards you would transfer to your DC and you really don't want them exposed to that.

Please also consider getting some therapy for yourself to help you process all of this.

It's 100% on them, it's nothing you've done, and you need to protect yourself and your own little family now.

Sakura7 · 20/07/2025 22:21

Also I'm sorry to say it but behind almost every narcissistic mother is an enabling father. Ultimately he will always put her first as he's been trained to do. This is usually the hardest thing for people to accept, and the enabler is the seemingly decent parent. But he should be supporting you, not going along with this cruelty.

Original poster
50FreezeOut1 · 20/07/2025 22:24

Sakura7 · 20/07/2025 22:16

Based on your update OP it does sound like your DM is a narcissist and you have been designated the family scapegoat.

No normal loving mother would treat her child like this, or be ashamed because you're in a regular job rather than a high powered one.

Earlier on the thread I said you should call them out, but now I would simply leave the WhatsApp group and block them until you've got a clearer head.

You've done so well for yourself growing up in that dynamic and it sounds like you've created a lovely family unit of your own, so focus on them. As a PP said, your parents and siblings attitude towards you would transfer to your DC and you really don't want them exposed to that.

Please also consider getting some therapy for yourself to help you process all of this.

It's 100% on them, it's nothing you've done, and you need to protect yourself and your own little family now.

Something I have considered from the feedback on this thread is therapy. I do know (and tell my DC!) you can't change other people or make them do what you want. You can only control how you feel and how you react. My work offers access to therapy and it doesn't have to be work related. I just want to come to terms with being the black sheep/scapegoat, get over it and be happy.

OP posts:
Sakura7 · 20/07/2025 22:27

50FreezeOut1 · 20/07/2025 22:24

Something I have considered from the feedback on this thread is therapy. I do know (and tell my DC!) you can't change other people or make them do what you want. You can only control how you feel and how you react. My work offers access to therapy and it doesn't have to be work related. I just want to come to terms with being the black sheep/scapegoat, get over it and be happy.

Show quote history

You should definitely take up the therapy offered by your work, I think it will really help you to reframe the situation and put your own boundaries in place.

I'm sorry again you're going through this, it's so unfair.

Cornishclio · 20/07/2025 22:28

I would make the effort with DA and DF then. Sadly it seems that they don’t share your political views and have let that come between you. They probably aren’t nice people if they seem more interested in status/money etc etc.

Katrinawaves · 20/07/2025 22:34

Cornishclio · 20/07/2025 22:28

I would make the effort with DA and DF then. Sadly it seems that they don’t share your political views and have let that come between you. They probably aren’t nice people if they seem more interested in status/money etc etc.

I agree.

Definitely do the therapy for your own wellbeing but take the power away from them and choose who you want a relationship with. Which sounds like it’s your father and your aunt only. So make occasional arrangements to meet up with or talk with them only in the same way you would already.

For the others just drop the rope. Mute the what’s app and never initiate contact with any of them. If they contact you and want something from you, just politely decline to provide it. And otherwise leave their messages on read but don’t respond. And see how that feels!

Hopingtobeaparent · 20/07/2025 22:41

I like the suggestion of focusing on those who you actually like. DF and DA. The rest sound like not nice people, and certainly not your people. If you’re making such an effort to get along, maybe they sense that, or that something is off?

And obviously, focus on your own friends and family etc.. the people who like you, and take an interest in your life.

You may look back in a few years and feel this has been freeing.

I hope so!

Good luck!

Katrinawaves · 20/07/2025 22:42

Also @50FreezeOut1 you are 💯 allowed to be different. You don’t have to fit in with the family and you don’t owe it to them to do so.

Be true to yourself. Live your life by your own values. You sound like an amazing person. Don’t let anyone convince you you aren’t or that you are in any way less than. If people you don’t like and whose opinions you don’t respect, don’t value you, don’t internalise that just because you are related to them. You are allowed to think them fools and not to care!

thelakeisle · 20/07/2025 22:45

In our family there are basically 8 core close family members, and we have lots of different beliefs and values, some of them quite at opposition to one another.

But for the most part, with a few minor squabbles, we agree to disagree and we buy one another gifts and include one another in celebrations, because we are not malicious, vindictive, small minded or cruel and actually care about one another.

People do tell you who they are all the time, the hardest part sometimes is believing them.

Rhaidimiddim · 20/07/2025 22:52

50FreezeOut1 · 20/07/2025 22:16

I had this conversation with my BF after the first exclusion. The honest answer is I would choose none of them to hang out with. They aren't my kind of people because they value money and status over being a nice person. However, I have at no point even vaguely let on about that because there in lies arguments. They tell each other how much they earn and I sit there listening not contributing but also not rejecting or withdrawing from the conversation. Probably grey rocking to be honest! But one on one I can find lots to talk about because I'm genuinely interested in their DC and what they're up to.

My DF is a reflective person so he's really good to talk to and also I find him really interesting in terms of his interests. My DM pooh poohs his hobbies, interests etc but I find people who are energised and enthusiastic about something really interesting. We don't have to agree but we never fall out because we listen to each other's point of view.

My DM picked a really obvious fight about something Labour had done which I also disagreed with (think winter fuel allowance or similar) and she tried really hard to get angry at me but I wouldn't bite. My DF asked me my opinion on a fiscal policy (🤓 honestly I promise I did not start these conversations!) and I explained it to him in a way which helped him rethink his position on it. Sis50 was complaining about it at Christmas and DF actually defended it using my argument!

So no. Objectively we don't have a lot in common but that's no reason to be cruel to someone in your family and cut them out. I could have been sat with DH and DC at one end, next to DF and DM and noone would have had to talk to me! Obviously you only have my word for it but it happens fairly frequently that I meet the friends of my friends and they end up friend requesting me or swapping numbers. I promise I'm not boasting but I do easily get on with people.

My DA and I get on well and we meet up a couple of times a year because she lives a long way away but we always manage to find something that works for both of us. My DA mentioned last time we met that Sis50 never asks how her DC and GC are but always goes on about how her own DC are doing. So even my DA (who is absolutely lovely) had a bit of a moan about Sis50. DA wasn't invited to the meal but she's less close to my siblings than me because they don't make the effort with her that I do. I genuinely like her.

Edited
Show quote history

So, with the exception of your dad, they're not your type of people, they're just your family. And - let's be honest - with the exception of your dad, they don't like you, don't value you as a person and have no time for you. And you've already said you have nothing in common with them, and don't seem to like them or spending time with them, and don't share their values.

Do them and yourself a favour and let them go. Just see the ones you like.

Typo edits

Badanxiety · 20/07/2025 22:55

I e gone no contact with my mum and would with a sister but she technically hasn’t wronged me but after fighting for her affection for what seems all my life I’ve cut her off. So much less drama. Just because they are family doesn’t mean you have to like them. Definitely look into therapy, I’ve recently started due to a whole different situation but we are working on my issues with her

JIMER202 · 20/07/2025 23:10

Definitely a nasty narc mother and a weak spined father too who doesn’t address his youngest child being so rudely excluded.

So sorry!! Definitely do some counselling and get some books on being the daughter of a narc mother and do some googling. It will really be eye opening and free you from a lot of your feelings because it really is about THEM!

Focus on your DH and kids and your lovely DA. I actually wouldn’t see you mother this summer. If you do keep it very very narc focused (google how to do this) and keep her at arms length. I genuinely wouldn’t see her tho because trust me nothing is worse than seeing your own children treated worse than other grandchildren because one of the grandparents is a narc. It took that for my husband to finally wake up to his family treating him as less than. We won’t tolerate it for our kids. Please be mindful of this as it can be sneaky x

Original poster
50FreezeOut1 · 20/07/2025 23:20

JIMER202 · 20/07/2025 23:10

Definitely a nasty narc mother and a weak spined father too who doesn’t address his youngest child being so rudely excluded.

So sorry!! Definitely do some counselling and get some books on being the daughter of a narc mother and do some googling. It will really be eye opening and free you from a lot of your feelings because it really is about THEM!

Focus on your DH and kids and your lovely DA. I actually wouldn’t see you mother this summer. If you do keep it very very narc focused (google how to do this) and keep her at arms length. I genuinely wouldn’t see her tho because trust me nothing is worse than seeing your own children treated worse than other grandchildren because one of the grandparents is a narc. It took that for my husband to finally wake up to his family treating him as less than. We won’t tolerate it for our kids. Please be mindful of this as it can be sneaky x

My DC have already mentioned their cousins are the preferred ones. It's an open secret DM prefers Sis's DC. DM shows my DC photos of what those cousins are up to and my DC have noticed. We laughed about it but I now think it probably hurts them as much as all of this is hurting me.

OP posts:
Francestein · 21/07/2025 00:05

You know what? I don’t think you’re the one who needs the therapy… Keep on being yourself. You sound fab. Let them eat themselves alive, but realign your priorities to more of an observer and keep your emotional investment closer to home.

Namechangerage · 21/07/2025 00:10

50FreezeOut1 · 20/07/2025 23:20

My DC have already mentioned their cousins are the preferred ones. It's an open secret DM prefers Sis's DC. DM shows my DC photos of what those cousins are up to and my DC have noticed. We laughed about it but I now think it probably hurts them as much as all of this is hurting me.

Show quote history

Omg don’t subject your children to it anymore. Leave that family WhatsApp group, you’ll feel so free!

knackredd · 21/07/2025 00:59

Read up on Narc family dynamics - it will all be very clear and its all very simple once you know the process. It is also very easy to predict their next move and there is only ever one way through - thats grey rock fading to NC.

The want to exclude you for some events but they want ensure you see / know about it so they involve you again just to get pleasure from seeing and hearing your hurt and humiliation. They are like a cat playing with a mouse. Your exclusion is not merely indifference - its to get a kick out of goading you - they want to to see you squirm and suffer. Dont give them that. Dont give any indication you know about the event (wait for them to mention it - because they will - they wont be able to help themselves). The need to see your upset - its their fuel for their toxic family. They want you in conflict to claim you are stroppy, unreasonable, etc - dont show them any of that. Dont flounce - dont hand them the bullets to shoot you with. Fade out - grey rock is making yourself so boring they forget about you - put them on an information diet.

When this happened in my family - I stepped right back and was unavailable to them - not in a flounce/sulky way - just a 'sorry have other plans - what a shame' etc.

Wjat I observed from a distance is they then left me alone but had to start scapegoating another sibling. It was amusing to watch (from a distance) and when that exluded sibling came to me looking for support - I was indifferent and unavailable. I have recently watched another family from the inside scaprgoating one of their sisters - I have seen and overheard the whispers, gossip, eyerolls and bitching behind her back when she leaves the room, before she arrives etc I i jsut thought I never want to be that person - who goes along to 'keep the peace' but is inadvertly providing material for them to mock.

Your DF is not a nice man - he has thrown you under the bus all your life - not even for your DM but for is own comfort. Think of that. I would respect him less - in someways as your DM may well have a PD and no insight (consider her a scorpion or a hyena) - thats her core nature - but your DF (assume 'normal') knows exactly what she is and hasnt ever protected you. Your aunt sounds reasonable and I bet has lots to say if you open up to her and trust her.

So my advice - read up on narc families, dont waste your headspace fighting back, dont flounce or sulk - indifference is the goal.

Detach. Distance. Dignity. Slowly fade them from your life via grey rock. Actively fill your life up and get bust with nice people. Get prof support to see you though this. Sorry this has happened - its shocking - but take yourself and your DCs away from their bitterness and emotional abuse.

geekygardener · 21/07/2025 01:16

I understand op because this has happened to me lots of times. I’m one of 5 and I am more often than not the one excluded. I too don’t believe that it’s because of some negative traits I have or whatever as I get on well with others and my friends seem to enjoy my company. As I have aged I now realise I was the scapegoat as a child and it is very hurtful. I am yet to seek therapy but it is something I want to do at some point. I don’t know why it was me who was scapegoated, perhaps because I’m quite weak in sticking up for myself and won’t cause a fuss. One thing that has helped me over the years when faced with situations of being excluded like you, is imagining them all sat there pleased with themselves thinking I’m upset and questioning what I have done wrong. When actually I’m happy at home and well aware of what’s going on. I like to think about them sat there all smug, which is ridiculous when I’m just here getting on with living my life. It’s pathetic of them really lol
It also helps that my dh now jokingly makes comments about me being the black sheep, it’s all done in good fun and kindness and we have a laugh about it.

geekygardener · 21/07/2025 01:32

Sorry just wanted to add. I have never raised this with anyone in my family and I never make a fuss or complain. That is what they want. I don’t give them the satisfaction. I just get on with my life and contact them less and less. I realised it was me making all the effort for them and arranging any gifts or meet ups or whatever. So I stopped. Initially my mother complained to me that I hadn’t made a fuss of her on her birthday etc and I just asked her what my siblings did in a non confrontational way, like a genuine nice question. She soon stopped that when she had no answer to what they had done and why it was only me getting the flack for her not being celebrated.

Once I stared pulling away gently and quietly they seem to become more anxious for my time. They seemed to want to be kinder and come to me. I didn’t fall for that and was pleasant and non confrontational but distant. My biggest flex is living my life while they watch me smiling and enjoying myself. When they have all gone through hardships of their own making, I’m here plodding along with my simple pleasures, it’s the best payback. My distance has led to my parents showing signs of guilt I think (or maybe that’s just my imagination), they are besotted with my eldest dc and she is obviously their favourite grandchild. It’s actually embarrassingly obvious and they are always wanting to spend time with her and are so much kinder to her than with anyone else. Maybe it’s another way to try get at me? Who knows. My parents comment on how like me she is all the time. The thing is I’m not stupid or too trusting, so I keep her away from them as much as myself. They made their bed.