If you are married to an orthopaedic surgeon (not private practice), how well off do you feel as a family, if you don’t work yourself?

[Yunall]

Just wondering as DP is a surgeon (just made consultant). He doesn’t do private work and I would say we have a nice lifestyle but only because my income tops it up. I’m used to a lot of luxury and had a privileged upbringing (don’t mean to sound like a dick I’m just stating a fact) and I wonder if we had kids if I would actually have to continue working to have a decent lifestyle. Not something I talk much to DP about as he came from a less well off background and understandably I would come across ungrateful!!!

It's more weird when it is bragging about someone else's salary.

Might sound it.... But I reckon in all honesty many many of you would prefer not to? Wanting to work and HAVING to are different.....
I don't work due to disability but did, and would have much preferred not to have to🤣

The ‘have a paid off mortgage’ is the killer here.

Without that, you might be looking at an extra £3-4k a month to buy a house in South East London at 2025 prices!

I think this is excellent food for thought.

NHS Consultant salary only goes up to £139k and that's after many years! Dh has been a consultant for 20 years and that's what he's on now. We do have one dc in private school, and dh does private work to pay the fees (cant earn anywhere near what an orthopedic surgeon would in private though!) I'm a part time teaching assistant so earn peanuts. Ds would not be in private school without the private work.

Ok. So in the past surgeon's earned £5k per op and now nearer 2k. It's a lot more operating time. Sahms are in their own.

That's 1k post tax and costs (room hire, secretary, insurance etc etc)

Absolutely and seeing private education as being as vital and food and drink.

This is correct, low earners come out with more take home pay due to tax.

On 110k you will manage very well. However, you won't exactly be living in the lap of luxury. So you have to decide for yourself how much you want to maintain your lifestyle, or how willing you are to make serious cutbacks in order to be a SAHM. BTW, you can turn SAHM into a job of sorts if you feel that way inclined. Use your new status to find ingenious ways to save on outgoings. If that sounds trite, I can tell you that I have friends who have done exactly that!

Well she hasn't landed him yet or lumbered herself with him, depending on your point of view. She describes him as DP but is obviously thinking ahead. More power to her, she's at least thought about the sort of lifestyle she wants. It's pretty plain that she is not going to have a luxurious lifestyle on that money though. I mean if my husband earned enough I'd have happily have been a SAHM instead of slogging away for decades as a solicitor so I don't blame her.

The thing though is very few people do have that sort of lifestyle these days. Yes, I have the fully paid off big detached house in a nice area, a good amount of retirement savings and a cleaning lady but I drive a 2008 car and my husband has similar. One of my children did go to a private school for a few years but didn't like it much and happily went to the local school. They did have a nanny initially but that was because I was back at work six weeks later. Now that we're down to one salary, mine, it doesn't seem to have increased as much as prices have so it would have been very difficult if we still had a mortgage or were paying for childcare.

Sorry, haven't read the full thread, but I have three kids, family income well shy of £110k (never mind £190!!!), live one of the most expensive cities in the UK, have a child still in nursery, and we're fine for money.

Whether your partner would be happy to be the sole earner is another question, and I think the way you've approached it comes across as very entitled, but of course you can manage on £110k with children, if you're happy with probably quite a different life from the one you have now. Sack off the private schools and the fancy holidays for starters, but that's not the only way to be a happy, healthy, well-educated family (if it's a way at all...)

I don't understand, with or without kids, if you could live on £190K, why would you let it drop to £110K,? On any single or joint income, kids massively reduce your disposable income. If you want more from life, you will need to keep both incomes or at least work part time. These pages are full of women who earn less than their spouse and then are resented for "sponging off" the earner later down the line. Keep your financial independence and be your own knight in shining armour.

OP if you are from a wealthy background I imagine you are thinking you’d want to have kids in private school, a nice car (probably one each so 2 nice cars), nice detached house with big garden in a desirable location, designer clothes, a fancy skiing holiday in the winter and several other holidays a year, maybe a second home, a cleaner, a nanny/housekeeper etc. And I can understand it would feel hard to “downgrade” the standards of living you experienced as a child (I obviously don’t know your exact background!), though of course many people live perfectly good lives with children on far less.

However I think you need to be realistic here and have a frank chat with your partner as although he earns very well, a consultant’s income just doesn’t go anywhere near as far as it once did (it also doesn’t go up much from here), and you simply won’t get that kind of lifestyle as a SAHM in this partnership, especially if you live anywhere in or near London etc. You guys really need to discuss your outlook on the future as it does sound like you have a very different vision of what that might look like currently.

Unless you have significant family wealth behind you that you’re happy to dip into to fund it (as you haven’t mentioned this I am assuming not?) Or unless he goes into private practice. I’m a GP and I suspect that private orthopaedic surgeons won’t be short of work anytime soon and indeed it’s been the case for a long time that they are in demand. So he is very likely to have the option to significantly increase his earnings via private practice if he wants to. Either way he is highly likely to be working long antisocial hours and expecting you to support him by really shouldering the majority of housework, childcare, “the mental load” stuff. All the orthopaedic surgeons I have met (all male), actually all surgeons of any kind I have met, do not lift a finger at home. I’m not saying that’s how it should be but the reality is that’s the default right now. So in some ways, all the more reason you should be a SAHM, as it will be incredibly difficult for you to fill that role (which it sounds like you’re happy to do) as well as working.

So essentially one of you is going to have to be flexible here, either he goes into private practice (which currently it sounds like he is opposed to, and it’s actually lovely to hear of an ethical and principled orthopaedic surgeon!) or you 1. give up your plans as a SAHM or 2. accept a significant downgrade in lifestyle (I agree with a pp I do think you’d still be able to afford Netflix TBH! But not the ski trip to Val d’Isere etc) And you seriously need to talk about this!

Your husband is not obliged to support you though.

What sort of luxuries are you used to and would want to keep?

Would you want private education for your kids?

PS - admirable that your OH doesn't agree morally with private practice :)

🤣🤣🤣 our joint salaries are this and we have 3 dc, 4 bed detached house, car each and nice holidays. You can live well in £110k. Only in the world of mn is that not enough.

Stuck up oik come to mind.

Also because of the way tax allowances and bands work two people earning £110k and 80k have more tax home pay than a single earner on £110k …

A single earner would have to be on approx £221k (not 190k) to bring the same home as 110+80k

But also as much as you say you don’t want to work … the same could also
apply to him!

Sure you can be a SAHP, how much do you save a month now? You need to be able to save - and not touch at all - all your salary everything and then still have money left over for the future kids …

Don't you have a trust or something to carry on bringing in money when you're not actually working? Surely if you're from a "privileged background " you have some form of private income?

I know several SAHMs , most have teenage DC and have been at home since they were born. They have pretty comfortable- luxury lifestyles but all are married.
The only ones that send their kids to private schools are investment bankers or hedge fund managers. The Dr family has (comparatively) the least luxurious life style ....but still very comfortable

Which makes you wonder what's the point of it, all that effort and stress, never seeing your family, and then come retirement they tell you to bugger off and you are forgotten the next day.
Much, much more to life than money, but each to his/her own.

You really can’t understand why some people would choose this? In order to be able to be a SAHM? A lot of people value being able to spend a lot of time with their children and spouse over more money for things like private school or holidays or fancy cars etc.

It can work out really well for both adults and any children. Of course we just hear the horror stories on here, but I have lots of family and friends who are very happily married in this sort of arrangement. In many ways I think as long as everyone is on board with the plan and pulling their weight and committed to each other then this more traditional set up actually works out so much better for everyone. But yes it should not be done naively and without a thought for protecting oneself financially and having the skills to earn money again in future if needed.

@Britneyfan sure, but the OP has n

A lot here is going to depend on how you define a nice lifestyle, and on your personal expenses e.g. size of mortgage, cost of living in your part of the U.K.

The suggestion by a pp of not spending any of your salary for a few months to see how that feels is sensible.

As for how much your DH’s salary will go up and how fast, google NHS consultant pay scale. It’s nationally set and publicly available. There may be a bit of variation depending on stuff like whether your DH works slightly more or less than the standard hours, on-call payments etc, but the pay scale will give you an idea of what his salary will look like moving forward.