If you are married to an orthopaedic surgeon (not private practice), how well off do you feel as a family, if you don’t work yourself?

[Yunall]

Just wondering as DP is a surgeon (just made consultant). He doesn’t do private work and I would say we have a nice lifestyle but only because my income tops it up. I’m used to a lot of luxury and had a privileged upbringing (don’t mean to sound like a dick I’m just stating a fact) and I wonder if we had kids if I would actually have to continue working to have a decent lifestyle. Not something I talk much to DP about as he came from a less well off background and understandably I would come across ungrateful!!!

We’ve got around 200k saved for fees from inheritance, for those asking.

It’s more the fact that I can buy what I want and don’t have to budget much at the moment but don’t want that to change when and if I am a parent (and don’t want to work when and if I am a parent)

The whole point of becoming an ortho surgeon is to triple your salary by doing private work. Get him to do that and then have children.

Bringing up children IS work. I wouldn’t want to go out to work if I didn’t have to!

Shameful to want to give your family all your time and attention to have a happy life? If OP needed to work to make ends meet and put food on the table but refused, then that is shameful, but she has a decent amount coming in, more then enough for the needs to live a decent family life. Speaking as someone who was poor and had to work to supplement my husband’s salary in order to live a modest life, I’d love to have been in the OP’s position!

Some people love being homemakers! Doesn't have to be boring. Who’d want the cost and stress of childcare if they didn’t have to?

Orthopaedic surgeons can make a massive amount through PP. I’m a lawyer and have handled a couple of partnership disputes between orthopaedic doctors and the partnership drawings were eye watering. The hand doctors make the most. If you expect your future husband to keep you as your parents did (rather than making enough money yourself to fund the lifestyle you expect) then get your DP into the hand business and tell him he has to build a private practice. Hope that helps.

Be aware that on divorce you’ll be expected to earn your own money and a lifestyle that comes from a husband can be gone as easily as it arrived.

Also £200k for school fees won’t go far. Strongly suggest you continue earning a living yourself, for a variety of reasons. If your DP “doesn’t believe” in private practice it’s highly unlikely your life values align.

@Yunall you earn a high salary too - is it a career you could continue part time? That might be your best bet.

For many of us £110K is a huge salary but it wouldn’t pay for private school, nice car, ski holiday, cleaner & for you to also be SAHM. So I think you either need to work or accept a more modest lifestyle than you envisaged.

For most people that would be a fortune.

Depending on the school, £200k won’t even put one child through primary school unfortunately! Fees have gone up a ridiculous amount in the past 20 years (unrelated to and pre-dating VAT)

@Yunall you are allowed to not want to work if that’s what you and your husband agree. But you need more money coming in because trust me that is nowhere near enough for a comfortable life that you’re describing. It’s probably enough for the early years at home with your first. But children get expensive as they get older. Mine are older, and their needs increase. Their food bill increases, the holidays with school/clubs cost £1000’s per year and you don’t want them to miss out while they have opportunities. Their clothes are expensive, brand name trainers are not cheap. Xmas/birthday gifts similarly go up
hugely in value, then it’s driving lessons, a car, uni fees/accomodation. Help to buy. It keeps
on going and you love and want to help your children always. When you have greater earnings you do what you can to have a nice life for you and your children. There’s no way your family could do that on your husbands salary alone. If you wanted to you could live a life where you budget and are careful but that’s not what you describe. I know there are plenty on here who will say you don’t need to send the kids on all the clubs/school trips. Sure. They’re right too. But it’s lovely for them and if you live in a wealthy area their friends will be going and they will
miss out. And they can take out uni loans. Again yes but you don’t want to saddle your child with debt if you can help. If you want to be comfortable and never work, think of another way to have more money coming in regularly. Everyone lives different types of lives and have different spending in their family so I agree there are some mums here will think that’s enough but I guarantee it’s not living the way you are describing. If you don’t have children then you possibly could survive ok on your husbands salary assuming you have already bought a home that you want in a nice area and don’t need to upgrade etc. but it’s kids. They cost a lot. Not when young but as older, when teenagers and beyond especially.

If he's already a consultant it's probably too late to change his subspecialty. And why should she "tell him he has to build a private practice," if he is happy and fulfilled in his NHS work?

If my SAH partner tried to tell me I HAD to go and do work that would take up most of my free time, add layers of extra admin and stress and compromise my personal beliefs, just so they can have nice handbags, I'd waste little time in telling them where to go!

School fees in secondary (even prep) are about £11k per term in London and many other schools outside London. That's the basic fees. So, with trips, music lessons and any other incidentals, you could well be looking at close to £40k per year for one child. And that's not boarding schools or boarding schools with day places (where day students do longer days, have dinner at school, prep, etc). This is just normal day schools.

@SockQueeni did not tell the OP she “should” tell her husband anything. I think her perspective is abhorrent. I simply pointed out that since that is her perspective, if she wants him to make more money, that’s what she needs to tell him to do. Probably this will cause him to realise how mismatched their expectations and hopes for how life together will be are.

@Calamitousness Uhmmm, no, not really! Children don't have to get outrageously expensive as they get older. We limited ours to one overseas school trip each, driving lessons, yes, but car? NEVER. They can buy their own, and one has done just that. Branded clothes? Of course not. One can't see the point. The other spent his summer job earnings on designer gear, then decided it wasn't worth it and reverted to Primark etc. Private schooling? We weren't stupid enough, and our children still got A and A star A level grades. Uni expenses? Yes, no way round it. I count myself privileged to have been a SAHM married to a high earner and to have a nice life - many expensive family holidays and treats without thinking about cost. BUT OP, you have to distinguish between a nice life and a spoilt life, where you turn your children into spoilt brats.

I see these posts again & again on MN: “ DH in high paying professional job earns X, but we still struggle, don’t feel rich, etc, etc”
Well guess what, you’re not rich! Wealth does not come from a high salary. For one thing, tax rates after £50k jump hugely & eat into your earnings.
Real wealth comes from owning assets sufficient to earn profits that you can draw on to live. That means either extensive & inherited wealth, (property,shares, business ownership) or successful entrepreneurship on the part of one or both of you - successful IT start up, inventors, etc.
So unless this does or can apply to you, you are in the A class of high status, well-paid professionals but still basically working stiffs.
Medics can become wealthy, but not through their jobs. I know a few who have done this.

Well that's a shame but you are never going to be particularly rich married to a consultant in the NHS unless you are bringing in a good wage too.

Given you don't want to work you need to either find a new husband or adjust your expectations.

Can you ask your parents to subsidise you instead? I know a married woman who gets a good chunk from her parents each month, despite working.

Jeez @Idontpostmuch that’s why I said everyone will do it differently. Which is fine. I didn’t say your kids looked like shit in their brand free clothing. Nor that they were unable to enjoy their less privileged life. So don’t be rude about others choices. I was given a car and was hugely appreciative. As is my son. Helping your children to enrich their lives whether it’s through holidays/car/ choice of style is up to each parent. I’m guessing OP would want to have similar since that’s how she worded her post. So keep your rude opinions to how your own children have become and don’t project onto those you don’t know because they did things differently to you.

I'm sure you'll be fine on 100k as a SAHM🙃. Wow!

But it will have too - you would be losing a huge chunk of income plus adding another child

I can see with childcare fees etc is there scope for part time and flexibility in your jobs

but you can’t expect to add costs take away income and not have to budget!

And private schools really do aid working parents with the hours they offer!

@Calamitousness Hey, calm down. You're missing my point. Of course I didn't think you were commenting on my children's clothing or their less privileged life. You haven't read my post properly, because I consider my children have had a PRIVILEGED life on one high income but with their mother at home. Privileged doesn't have to mean excessive. My post didn't merit such an aggressive response.

You were really rude, calling people stupid for choosing private school. I have one in private school and one in state. The one in state is likely to get higher grades than the one in private (the one in state got a 9 in his first GCSE age 13) but top grades is not why we chose private for the other child.

@Idontpostmuch well re-read why you’ve written. You say avoiding private schools because you’re not stupid. So what, if we use them we are! You say how I choose to support my children and spend money is excessive and they’ll be spoilt. I am disagreeing with you and informing you that my children are actually quite lovely and not spoilt. You cast slurs. Not me. I understand variety in parenting and in spending what you can afford and choose to spend on. I don’t think because mine are more privileged they are better people. Just had less struggle perhaps and have been able to save their own earnings so that they will be able to afford to buy a home/do what they want as they get older.

Apologies, I missed your tone on first reading!