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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If you are married to an orthopaedic surgeon (not private practice), how well off do you feel as a family, if you don’t work yourself?

462 replies

Yunall · 19/07/2025 15:21

Just wondering as DP is a surgeon (just made consultant). He doesn’t do private work and I would say we have a nice lifestyle but only because my income tops it up. I’m used to a lot of luxury and had a privileged upbringing (don’t mean to sound like a dick I’m just stating a fact) and I wonder if we had kids if I would actually have to continue working to have a decent lifestyle. Not something I talk much to DP about as he came from a less well off background and understandably I would come across ungrateful!!!

OP posts:
MaidOfSteel · 19/07/2025 19:19

Yunall · 19/07/2025 15:30

@2024onwardsandup he doesn’t agree with private practice

Good for him!

Robin67 · 19/07/2025 19:20

Not simply asked to be a SAHM. She has said she wants a "nice" lifestyle. I am happy with my part time set up. I personally couldn't see myself taking a financial hit by giving up work. SAHM is nice before they hit school. But otherwise, don't kid yourself it's for the children.

MaidOfSteel · 19/07/2025 19:21

Blondebrownorred · 19/07/2025 15:36

I wouldn't want to live on £110k with children. Especially when its earnt by only one person so more tax paid. Can you work part time?

£110k is beyond the dreams of most people in this country..

Enigma53 · 19/07/2025 19:26

lifeonmars100 · 19/07/2025 18:07

Not a clue! Been a povo most of my adult life and went without food to feed my child after being left by my then husband who then managed to evade paying child support, By holding down two jobs at times and working 12 hour shifts when they were older I managed to pay of the mortgage on a tiny terraced house in a rough inner city area. I appreciate that I do not possess the intelligence, the education or skills to do a job like that but i am proud of the fact that I have always paid my way and given my child a sound work ethic. Sometimes I wonder how my life turned out like this but it is my money, earned by me. I may not be intelligent, well off or lead a life of luxury but I don't live off anyone and a man has never provided for me

Good on you! You’re a role model for sure.

anon2022anon · 19/07/2025 19:26

Well with 40% less household income, potentially double the household income, and more hours available to do things during the day, if say yes, you're going to struggle.

Sauercloud · 19/07/2025 19:27

£110k is not enough ??? Are you for real ? You are currently on £190k with joined salaries but you can definitely live a very good life on yih DH salary. If you work, you will lose a lot of your income on childcare. 80% of people live on half that salary so you can still afford nice holidays and nice things. You need to decide whether you want to return to work in future in which case working part time might be a good idea? You seem to have a really good job so might want to keep it going. It’s nice to have a break from looking after the children and good for kids to go to nursery and socialise.

Daftypants · 19/07/2025 19:37

It is ok if you want to be a SAHM when you first have children , so I’d start saving to put money aside for when you lose some of your income and plan to economise when you’re not being paid .
I’d plan to work part time once children are a little bit older and settled in nursery if I were you ..and maybe in time get back to full time .

.

Britneyfan · 19/07/2025 19:40

Robin67 · 19/07/2025 19:20

Not simply asked to be a SAHM. She has said she wants a "nice" lifestyle. I am happy with my part time set up. I personally couldn't see myself taking a financial hit by giving up work. SAHM is nice before they hit school. But otherwise, don't kid yourself it's for the children.

Well yes I agree, it’s madness to do this if you want to be a SAHM and maintain a relatively luxurious lifestyle. Can’t have your cake and eat it! But I don’t think it’s madness to choose to be a SAHM, I understand why people do it and wish I’d had the opportunity myself (I’m a single mother following domestic abuse and consequent divorce and I have no choice but to work to earn money to live on!). My mum worked full-time growing up and I was honestly jealous of most of my friends who had stay at home mums there when they came home from school. Especially as a teen when I was having a difficult time with bullying, and my parents sometimes wouldn’t be home til 8 or 9pm or had to work on the weekend or night shifts etc.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 19/07/2025 19:43

Yunall · 19/07/2025 15:30

@boulevardofbrokendreamss hes on 110k. Not sure how much it goes up or how fast. I earn 80. But yes youre right I don’t want to have to work!

Do you really want to go from being an equal financial partner in your relationship to an old fashioned housewife who is dependent on her husband for money?

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 19/07/2025 19:43

Your husband needs to run a mile and not even consider getting you pregnant. You are a gold digger!

aGirlLikeJesamine · 19/07/2025 19:48

can i say there would be plenty of room for private orthopaedic work, hip replacements, spinal operations, you name it, huge amount surely

stuffedpeppers · 19/07/2025 19:49

OP - your DH is starting on £110K and consultant nhs salary currently tops out at £139K
Consutlants were sold don the river when junior doctors got their massive pay rises. They wanted more monies now and were prepared to earn less later! The NHS no longer rewards experience.

Depending on where you live he is going to have to work hard in private practice to take home £100K - it is a piss poor business model. Say good bye to the family man if he does and in my experience 95% of orthopaedic surgeons do pp.

On a simply female to female advice - divorce is high in the medical profession, affairs are rampant and if you stop working he will not be paying spousal support you will be expected to work. i would not stop working and rely on him for the rest of your life but maybe go part time after children.

edwinbear · 19/07/2025 19:50

We have a combined income of about £250k. 70% of it is mine (investment banking). I can tell you what our lifestyle looks like on that, whether it’s sufficient for you is obviously personal choice.

2 x DC in private school, from Reception through to the end of 6th form, fees paid from income - both have 25% sports scholarships which is a big help. We have a decent house, but not luxurious - 4 bed semi in London, I need to be in London for the job. It’s worth about £1m with £80k left on the mortgage, we’re in our 50’s. It desperately needs a new bathroom, but we’ll need to save for a couple of years for that. The boiler is also likely to need replacing in the next year or two, we have savings for that, but it’s not like we can just write a cheque without wincing a little bit.

We have one decent, 2 week holiday a year, 5 star, AI, currently in Crete, with a 2 bedroom room and a private pool, we can’t afford a weeks skiing as well, but if DC want to go on the annual school ski trip they can. Our 2 cars are both well over 10 years old, we pay cash, spending about £10k per car and run them into the ground. We don’t have weekends away or eat out often. If DC want a takeaway, that’s OK, but only once a month or so.

We’re not overly bothered about fancy clothes/bags/beauty treatments, but both DC play sport to a high level. DS is a runner and he has 2 or 3 pairs of £200-£300 trainers a year, he runs about 60km a week so does get through them. Spikes are on top, so probably about £1k a year on running shoes for him, that’s not too much of a bother. We get made redundant fairly regularly, so always careful to have at least 2yrs worth of outgoings saved, both our pensions are healthy. We have a good life, but we’re not living like lottery winners!

ZippyStork · 19/07/2025 19:54

I haven't read the whole thread, but it sounds like boasting by stealth.
I can't feel sorry for people on mega salaries. If you're struggling, then you need to budget, like we poor folk have to.

Twelftytwo · 19/07/2025 19:56

@MaidOfSteel but it's the equivalent of a couple earning about £45K each which is pretty middle of the road

DinosandRegrets678 · 19/07/2025 19:56

You'll get lots of posts calling you all sorts because you dare to want to be home with small children.

Personally, I don't blame you, working full time when pregnant and then back to work when you have an infant at home is shit. And no, it's not the same for men.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 19/07/2025 19:57

Does your husband know you don’t want to work?
You can’t make that decision without his input.

monkeysox · 19/07/2025 20:06

ilovesooty · 19/07/2025 15:31

Why do you think you shouldn't have to work? He already earns a lot more than most people do.

They both earn a lot more than most people do. For many families one of their wage is in excess on combined wage.

LBFseBrom · 19/07/2025 20:07

Do you hsve young children, help in the home? I don't know many married doctors, including consultants, where both partners do not work. What would you do if you did not have your job? Maybe think of doing something else if you are fed up with it.

frozendaisy · 19/07/2025 20:13

@Yunall
you say you have a nice lifestyle because your income tops it up

but you want to know if you lost that income and added a child or two on top of expenses could you carry on with a nice lifestyle

not the one you have now no

why don’t you try living, just you two, just on his salary for 6 months, so put yours in an account and don’t touch it

go from there

frozendaisy · 19/07/2025 20:13

@Yunall
you say you have a nice lifestyle because your income tops it up

but you want to know if you lost that income and added a child or two on top of expenses could you carry on with a nice lifestyle

not the one you have now no

why don’t you try living, just you two, just on his salary for 6 months, so put yours in an account and don’t touch it

go from there

Gawwwd · 19/07/2025 20:13

Christ, every time I look at a mumsnet thread about income I end up feeling like a tuberculosis-ridden street urchin in ragged trousers

StrongandNorthern · 19/07/2025 20:15

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 19/07/2025 15:29

So you want to be SAHM and ‘continue to have a decent lifestyle’.

you need to have some serious conversations with him. He’ll probably need to pick up private work and all the childcare bollocks will fall to you. Can you work p/t.

sorry if I’m wrong but it sounds very much like you don’t want to work and don’t think you should.

Google suggest 90k as a base salary. We earn a lot
more than that combined , based in the SE. Definitely couldn’t lose a salary.

Edited

90 K as a base salary ...
Hello?? Planet Earth ...

LemondrizzleShark · 19/07/2025 20:19

OP if you are from a wealthy background I imagine you are thinking you’d want to have kids in private school, a nice car (probably one each so 2 nice cars), nice detached house with big garden in a desirable location, designer clothes, a fancy skiing holiday in the winter and several other holidays a year, maybe a second home, a cleaner, a nanny/housekeeper etc. And I can understand it would feel hard to “downgrade” the standards of living you experienced as a child (I obviously don’t know your exact background!), though of course many people live perfectly good lives with children on far less.

OP, by way of illustration, the people I know who do have this lifestyle, with youngish kids, in London, have a household income of around £500k (they are not doctors! Mostly city law, finance or a couple own companies. I know them via rugby/tennis clubs). I don’t know about family wealth but suspect that is also a factor.

£110k is a long way off £500k

PersephoneSmith · 19/07/2025 20:20

Cannongoose · 19/07/2025 15:59

Obviously this is a top of the list of first world problems OP and I’m not trying to rain on your parade but, from my personal bitter personal experiences I’d be asking myself the following questions (and there’s no need to answer them on MN:
What would happen if DH died?
What would happen if DH became chronically ill and unable to work?
What would happen if you became disabled or chronically ill?
What would you do if DH became financially controlling?
What would happen if you had a disabled/severely disabled child or children?
Would I be isolated if I left work?
How would I cope if I developed PND?
What would I do if DH left his career (let’s say to start a business)?
What would I do if DH lost his profession (eg misconduct or an error that saw him lose his medical license)?
What would I do if I needed IVF or other expensive medical intervention to have children?
What would I do if my relationship ended?

like I say bitter experience has hit me with a few of these when I was relatively successful and on the up career wise. Now (despite having a PhD) I’m a dinner lady earning around £4500 a year with one deceased DC and one severely disabled DC who has just lost access to the most important services (respite and therapy) and I’m broken by it all.

This. My family and I were living a lovely life, then all of a sudden I was a widow in a wheelchair.

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