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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you are married to an orthopaedic surgeon (not private practice), how well off do you feel as a family, if you don’t work yourself?

462 replies

Yunall · 19/07/2025 15:21

Just wondering as DP is a surgeon (just made consultant). He doesn’t do private work and I would say we have a nice lifestyle but only because my income tops it up. I’m used to a lot of luxury and had a privileged upbringing (don’t mean to sound like a dick I’m just stating a fact) and I wonder if we had kids if I would actually have to continue working to have a decent lifestyle. Not something I talk much to DP about as he came from a less well off background and understandably I would come across ungrateful!!!

OP posts:
ViciousCurrentBun · 19/07/2025 21:28

We specifically chose not to work in London or the SE and both moved and met up North. It was bad decades ago and it is so much worse now as overheated beyond belief these days. If he is going to stick to NHS work he would be better off relocating somewhere cheaper.

We have had an amazing lifestyle on what is a National pay scale, higher education.

DH cousin is a Dr married to an orthpaedoc surgeon. It’s been solely private practice for about 20 years, so well established after a few years working for the NHS. They did send all kids to private schools and they have a second home. Both of them work FT. Very nice lifestyle.

Cantspeakwontspeak · 19/07/2025 21:30

BestIntentioned · 19/07/2025 15:36

Not meaning to sound rude but is there much call for private orthopedic work?

I’d say don’t give up work. The amount he earns won’t ho that far in sustaining a family. School fees out of the question.

Do you have a private income? If not I’d emphasis even more not relying on him. It’s not good to be reliant on one salary. And it gives men ideas about power within the relationship.

Definitely - hip replacements etc a lot are done privately because of the insane waiting lists

Enigma53 · 19/07/2025 21:32

Is this even a real thead? Has OP returned?

Moodlable4045 · 19/07/2025 21:33

I would have the kids first before you start thinking about being a SAHM. It’s harder work than most jobs - I couldn’t wait to get back to work after both maternity leaves

Boohoo76 · 19/07/2025 21:33

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 19/07/2025 20:27

Fuck me, the arrogant fuvkwits are out in force.

The entitlement on this thread is breathtaking, are some of you actually aware that there are people out there on the minimum wage doing a perfectly good job of raising a family??

Snobby fuckers.

Show quote history

People of minimum wage getting UC towards housing and childcare….

TuesdaysAreBest · 19/07/2025 21:33

BestIntentioned · 19/07/2025 15:36

Not meaning to sound rude but is there much call for private orthopedic work?

I’d say don’t give up work. The amount he earns won’t ho that far in sustaining a family. School fees out of the question.

Do you have a private income? If not I’d emphasis even more not relying on him. It’s not good to be reliant on one salary. And it gives men ideas about power within the relationship.

There is huge demand for private orthopaedic work, given the waiting times for knee and hip replacements on the NHS.

GauntJudy · 19/07/2025 21:34

Ltb (and send me his number)

voucherwowcher · 19/07/2025 21:35

Moodlable4045 · 19/07/2025 21:33

I would have the kids first before you start thinking about being a SAHM. It’s harder work than most jobs - I couldn’t wait to get back to work after both maternity leaves

I was just about to say exactly this.

I always thought I’d never want to work and would love to be at home with kids….but I don’t think that now!

Cynic17 · 19/07/2025 21:36

BoudiccaRuled · 19/07/2025 16:43

I know several orthopaedic surgeons and they have all left their first wives after multiple affairs, so I wouldn't plan on being married to him forever.
However, on the plus side, once they went private their salaries went stratospheric. Serious amounts of money. US orthopods are the highest paid doctors, or used to be.
I couldn't bear to live with those egos but plenty of women seem to think they are great.

I know several orthopaedic surgeons - and am indeed married to one - and this comment is bullshit.
Outside of London, they are not rich....and all still married to.their first wives!

KillerMounjaro · 19/07/2025 21:36

Well you’ve definitely picked the wrong orthopaedic surgeon to marry! I know quite a few of them and they all do loads of private work and make loads more money than any of the other consultants I know.

My best advice to you is to persuade him to get over himself and start doing private work and then you probably wouldn’t have to work!

voucherwowcher · 19/07/2025 21:37

Cappuccino5 · 19/07/2025 21:08

SAHMS are on their own with pretty much any partner in a high flying career. It’s the price you pay to be well off.

When my own DH was at his peak earning potential (airline pilot - £120k per year) I was on my own with DD for 3 weeks at a time whilst he worked abroad. I never felt the need to make myself a SAHM and worked part time around school hours to top up our income. It was perfectly manageable. Having money often equals making uncomfortable sacrifices and not being a lazy SAHM…

Show quote history

This is a rather sweeping statement.

Timegoestoofast · 19/07/2025 21:38

BestIntentioned · 19/07/2025 15:36

Not meaning to sound rude but is there much call for private orthopedic work?

I’d say don’t give up work. The amount he earns won’t ho that far in sustaining a family. School fees out of the question.

Do you have a private income? If not I’d emphasis even more not relying on him. It’s not good to be reliant on one salary. And it gives men ideas about power within the relationship.

Yes I’m sure there would be orthopedic is a nightmare on the NHS !
we went private for my daughters leg

Horseytwinkletoes321 · 19/07/2025 21:38

Sounds like you aren't even married, I'd wait to see if your boyfriend wants to marry you and talk to him about whether he is on board with funding your lifestyle. 110k is around £5,500 a month take home after tax and pension contributions (less if you still have a student loan), if you come from money I imagine you'd feel incredibly poor living on that. I'm not sure this man can give you the lifestyle you desire, might be time to look for a guy in fiance.

lifeonmars100 · 19/07/2025 21:39

Gawwwd · 19/07/2025 20:13

Christ, every time I look at a mumsnet thread about income I end up feeling like a tuberculosis-ridden street urchin in ragged trousers

Same here, and I wonder how my child avoided rickets and scurvy and didn't grow up to be a criminal on account of having to go to a state school full of common ill-bred types

minnienono · 19/07/2025 21:40

£110k goes much further in some places than others but it depends so much on what you think are essentials, lifestyle etc - we lived an excellent lifestyle on £80k (him) + £15k (me) but we were older and lived in a cheaper city so our detached 5 bedroom cost me £560 pcm. Only had one car, state schools. Others would not find my choices to their taste

Mushypeas101 · 19/07/2025 21:40

I’m a female consultant. My male colleagues who have wives that are SAHMs have to take in lots of extra work, I don’t just mean private work, just like heads of dept etc. It’s not a situation I’d want to be in these days. It’s unusual though, but no you won’t be as well off as you are now, considerably so with children.

Dodgyormymind · 19/07/2025 21:42

Is it just me that finds this thread hilarious? When working full time I thought I was doing ok on £32K and DH on £28K, couldn’t understand how we had no money ever. While kids had grown and left home we had a very small mortgage and endowment, we bought in the 90s.

Now we have a pension and my salary of £26K, and a paltry £100 a month private pension. At least I know now why savings are dwindling fast. £100K and being told it’s a struggle 😂😂

Rabbitsockpeony · 19/07/2025 21:47

BestIntentioned · 19/07/2025 15:36

Not meaning to sound rude but is there much call for private orthopedic work?

I’d say don’t give up work. The amount he earns won’t ho that far in sustaining a family. School fees out of the question.

Do you have a private income? If not I’d emphasis even more not relying on him. It’s not good to be reliant on one salary. And it gives men ideas about power within the relationship.

Oh my word, there’s SO much call for private ortho. Have you seen waiting lists?!

Boohoo76 · 19/07/2025 21:53

Dodgyormymind · 19/07/2025 21:42

Is it just me that finds this thread hilarious? When working full time I thought I was doing ok on £32K and DH on £28K, couldn’t understand how we had no money ever. While kids had grown and left home we had a very small mortgage and endowment, we bought in the 90s.

Now we have a pension and my salary of £26K, and a paltry £100 a month private pension. At least I know now why savings are dwindling fast. £100K and being told it’s a struggle 😂😂

But how much are your mortgage and childcare costs?

Flamingfeline · 19/07/2025 21:53

It depends on your outgoings, surely. The incomes being talked about here seem extraordinarily high , but my outgoings have always been commensurate with what I or we have earnt. You can bring up happy, healthy children on a fraction of what you’re talking about.

beesandstrawberries · 19/07/2025 21:57

ExitPursuedByABare · 19/07/2025 15:32

No idea but just wanted to say yay for orthopaedic surgeons.

I agree. My orthopaedic surgeon has been with me through my journey of my disability since I’ve been a teenager and I can honestly say he’s saved my life. I wish I had the confidence to tell him how much he’s appreciated and how incredible he is in his job position.

I remember going for a surgery on my ankle and he done the surgery but saw I had an infected ingrown toenail and instead of leaving it, he ‘operated’ on that problem area too despite having no obligation to do so. Doctors go above and beyond!

Surgeons and doctors, especially complex specialists like this don’t get the credit that they deserve. Especially in the nhs - it feels like their work is just ‘expected’ and their hard work, long hours, prioritising their job over everything else in their life just goes unnoticed and it’s sad! They deserve to have every bit of a luxurious income and an entire different topic in itself - I believe surgeons and doctors should have access to free childcare.

Alifemoreordinary123 · 19/07/2025 22:07

Yea, not possible to have a privileged life on the wage of an NHS consultant alone if you have children (unless you have inherited wealth). You can have a nice life for sure, but not one that includes a lovely and luxurious furnished home, multiple holidays, two cars and children who do any activities they want to. Not possible for £110k in the UK at this time.

abracadabra1980 · 19/07/2025 22:10

dippy567 · 19/07/2025 16:48

Not sure I see the problem with OP exploring options to aid decision making. Also nothing wrong with being a sahm if that's what she wants. Not what I've done, but personally don't see the problem. Each family make the choices that work for them....

I imagine being married to a surgeon (like many jobs) even if they don't earn millions will mean the brunt of childcare and household admin will pretty full and in this case sounds likevthat will be likely to fall to the OP. I think it's very difficult to have two full on careers without a lot of external help - nannies etc - so see why might make sense to have one parent stay at home (or work more flexible hours!)

Edited

Totally agree - OP sounds quite young and is just wanting advice. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be a SAHM and pondering your options - I hated my job at the time and was more than happy to be at home. I didn't want other people looking after my DC, and I loved homemaking. Once they were in school I had a complete career change, worked p/t and eventually owned my own business. We don't live in the SE/live up North but in an area with very good state schools and both my DC are now in promising careers post Unit. A word of warning OP - all the PP mentioning pensions and being financially vulnerable is very true. I speak as my now exH had a midlife crisis/affair and that was the end of my 'nice lifestyle'. Our lifestyle was never planned, we just fell into it really - had a very successful business when we were young and house prices were much cheaper. At the end of the day it's a personal choice - and threads like this always go sideways with people starting to make it about them, and how they feel. Good luck, OP, but watch that pension pot of yours...

notanormalday · 19/07/2025 22:17

Cynic17 · 19/07/2025 15:36

A new consultant does not earn a huge amount and, sadly, in many areas the boom era for private practice is long gone.
Nobody gets rich as an NHS doctor, and it's one of those misunderstandings of the general public that consultants are paid mega bucks.
But, for an orthopod, medico- legal work can be a good way to top up earnings.

I beg to differ the Gp partners I work for have just purchased a multi million pound house, go to Dubai whenever they want, New York for a birthday, long weekends away to wherever across the globe. I think they make a lot more than people realise. (But they are disgruntled at the min wage raising and having to pay more tax for us 🤣)

notanormalday · 19/07/2025 22:20

Alifemoreordinary123 · 19/07/2025 22:07

Yea, not possible to have a privileged life on the wage of an NHS consultant alone if you have children (unless you have inherited wealth). You can have a nice life for sure, but not one that includes a lovely and luxurious furnished home, multiple holidays, two cars and children who do any activities they want to. Not possible for £110k in the UK at this time.

Are consultants not paid more than GP’s? I know for a fact 2 Gp’s have exactly this life that you have just described, even cars for one of their kids that can’t even drive yet! And they don’t come from money, their family doesn’t live over here either.