Page 8 | DH wants to take the babysitter to the beach

Sickofmen12 · 2025-07-19T00:51:32+00:00

I have some health problems but I have weeks on end when I manage ok. 3 school age DC. We have a teenage babysitter to help if needed if I have a flare up. DH cannot help - profession where he can’t take time off without lots of notice. DH and I were talking about a day trip to the beach and he said we will have to take babysitter. I asked why, and he said that I’m not well enough to run around with the DC on the beach (alas, probably true) nor can he (he has a few health issues, but he goes running for fitness). YABU- DH was just trying to help, bringing in help so you didn’t have to do anything. You’re lucky YANBU - it would be so awkward, paying a teenage babysitter for hours to be squeezed on the backseat with your kids and then run around on the beach in a cute swimsuit --and you look awful due to your illness-- as your husband thinks you’re incapable of looking after your own kids alonee, even when he’s there.

TalkToTheHand123 · 19/07/2025 12:57

TY78910 · 19/07/2025 12:55

What. OP never once said that he’s hinted at this, let alone said it outright. It’s her own insecurity and it’s a bloody awful one - accusing an old male of wanting to see a teen in a bikini.

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He's hardly going to though is he, if he has sense.

JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch · 19/07/2025 13:11

I mean... I wouldn't take a babysitter to the beach because that feels like family time and I wouldn't let my hair down fully with a babysitter there (any age, either sex, in a bikini or otherwise).

I wouldn't do a beach trip in your circumstances, I'd find something else which is more of a "kids run off and play, parents can participate or sit and watch" type thing. And then no babysitter is needed.

Washingupdone · 19/07/2025 13:12

Find a young male babysitter in future so there won’t be the same problem.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 19/07/2025 13:14

TheQuirkyMaker · 19/07/2025 10:59

This reminds me of an argument I used to have with my wife years ago. I always wanted an au pair, she said we didn't need one as we didn't have children.

😅 funny 😁

Horserider5678 · 19/07/2025 13:19

Insomniapain · 19/07/2025 02:06

I wouldn't be happy about this.

I would find it really intrusive having this non family member there on what is supposed to be a family outing. And it does sound as though your H doubts your ability to look after your children.

But I do think it's worrying that you are implying your H has some sort of sexual interest in the teenage babysitter.

Edited

Clearly you didn’t understand what she said! It’s nothing to do with her husband doubting her abilities! It’s about the fact she has fluctuating health which means she struggles sometimes. He sounds thoughtful in thinking of taking the babysitter in case she’s not well! Nothing worse than disappointed children at the beach!

Dontlletmedownbruce · 19/07/2025 13:25

YABU. If you have 3 DC then having help will allow you more family time. Sitter takes 1 kid to a toilet or to the shop or whatever while you and DH mind others. Sitter takes older kid in the water for longer while you guys have a picnic. Sitter plays ball with kids so you go for a gentle stroll with DH.

My BIL and wife brought their nanny on holidays, we joined them. I've never been so jealous. Nanny packed the beach bag while they had breakfast, she put baby down for a nap while they went for lunch to a beachside bar with other DC, or she went playing with older kids so the couple could sit and cuddle baby together. Meanwhile dh and I were tag team all the time never sitting down together and we were both exhausted and stressed.

I think your comment about the woman's body is very weird though, lots of people will be in swimsuits. Either he fancies her which is an issue no matter what she wears or he doesn't, so why would it matter? It sounds like either you are very paranoid or dh is a dirty perv.

3luckystars · 19/07/2025 13:26

I don’t think a day at the beach is a good idea then. You can’t manage and he won’t help like a normal father would. It sounds like an awkward day, not the family day you had in mind.
There will be lots of women on the beach in bikinis and you can’t cover them all up either.

Maybe start with a local playground /park and bring a picnic and see how you all get on.

ginasevern · 19/07/2025 13:30

So the DH goes running for fitness and also has trips planned away by himself, but he can't look after his school aged kids on the beach. Just why exactly?

Topsyturvy78 · 19/07/2025 13:33

Depends on ages of DC and if they have any SEN. I have 2 DC with SEN I wouldn't take them to the beach alone they both need 1 to 1 supervision when around water. But in your circumstances an extra pair of hands would be beneficial.

pinkdelight · 19/07/2025 13:36

ginasevern · 19/07/2025 13:30

So the DH goes running for fitness and also has trips planned away by himself, but he can't look after his school aged kids on the beach. Just why exactly?

OP says herself she has good days and bad days, maybe it's the same for him. She says he does have health issues and the 'goes for a run' comment is no different to when people doubt disabilities because they've seen them do xyz on another occasion.

As for this: People are really naive if they think a 19 year old in a swimsuit is unattractive to a man, or a man would not notice. I don't think anyone's saying it's unattractive, but anyone can look at a 19yo in a swimsuit in a heartbeat, online, on TV, in the pool, on the beach etc etc. Policing his ability to see this 19yo achieves nothing if the risk is DH seeing a young woman in a swimsuit.

legoplaybook · 19/07/2025 13:36

Sounds like your husband is being a bit lazy but you will all have an easier time with an extra pair of hands.

CustardySergeant · 19/07/2025 13:41

PestoHoliday · 19/07/2025 09:45

Wow, you have a very low opinion of your husband if you think seeing a teenager in a bathing suit is a problem. “Give him ideas” - geez.

Exactly. How insulting. He would be furious if he knew what you think of him.

Melancholyflower · 19/07/2025 13:46

wandawaves · 19/07/2025 03:15

Because I just cannot see any reason why they need a babysitter at the beach.
The kids are school aged, so presumably can listen to instructions.
The dad is able to run.
The mum cannot run (who cares, i can run, but i don't, because honestly who can be bothered), but presumably is able to sit and build sandcastles, stand on the shoreline with the kids splashing, or sit and dole out snacks and reapply sunscreen.

They sound a bit hopeless and helpless to be honest.

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This was my reaction, and am amazed that so many voted YABU. I can't believe that anyone would think of taking a babysitter with them on a family day out to the beach. They need to parent their children, and I think he just doesn't see it as his job, which is incredibly sad that he wants to pay someone to play with his kids.

usedtobeaylis · 19/07/2025 13:49

I'm just wondering how he goes running for fitness but can't play with his children on the beach?

wizzywig · 19/07/2025 13:53

Would it be easier to just stay at home so your husband doesn't get ideas?

Melancholyflower · 19/07/2025 14:12

pinkdelight · 19/07/2025 10:25

The issue is more about me wanting intimacy and privacy because we rarely do anything as a family

A day at the beach isn't about those things though. It's outdoor energetic public and even safety-wise it makes sense with 3 DC to have another pair of eyes/hands/legs. There's stepping up and then there's trying to wrangle 3 DC on his own, physically at least, which is a bit mad and wouldn't be at all private and intimate but a bit of a nightmare checking that one's not running off while you're burying another in the sand and paddling with the third. YABU. Arrange another family outing somewhere more apt where the two of you can have it all covered.

I think the OP's use of intimacy and privacy just means she wants it to be just family, not outsiders, so she can be relaxed and not have someone else listening to conversations etc.

Somebody said, how's it different to having a cleaner, but presumably your cleaner just gets on with the job and all of the family aren't around them socialising and chatting at the time.

Melancholyflower · 19/07/2025 14:17

I mean... I wouldn't take a babysitter to the beach because that feels like family time and I wouldn't let my hair down fully with a babysitter there (any age, either sex, in a bikini or otherwise).

That's how I would have felt too when mine were kids (and we do have one with SN, but I still wouldn't have wanted a carer with us).

pinkdelight · 19/07/2025 14:34

Melancholyflower · 19/07/2025 14:12

I think the OP's use of intimacy and privacy just means she wants it to be just family, not outsiders, so she can be relaxed and not have someone else listening to conversations etc.

Somebody said, how's it different to having a cleaner, but presumably your cleaner just gets on with the job and all of the family aren't around them socialising and chatting at the time.

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I get that but it's not gonna be relaxed for him, is it? And the conversations are going to get snappy. I found it stressful enough (and frankly quite boring) with 2 young DC at the beach and two able-bodied parents. With 3 DC and him having to 'step up' to run around after all 3, it sounds like a recipe for a knackering day out. I get that it's some people's milieu and they love nothing better than playing with kids all day at the beach and see others as lazy for not wanting to do it all, but if OP can't do it all herself, and if he wants and can afford the help, that's seems fair enough to me and the relaxed making memories fun can happen babysitter-free on a more apt day out that they can manage fine between them.

Whaleandsnail6 · 19/07/2025 14:58

pinkdelight · 19/07/2025 14:34

I get that but it's not gonna be relaxed for him, is it? And the conversations are going to get snappy. I found it stressful enough (and frankly quite boring) with 2 young DC at the beach and two able-bodied parents. With 3 DC and him having to 'step up' to run around after all 3, it sounds like a recipe for a knackering day out. I get that it's some people's milieu and they love nothing better than playing with kids all day at the beach and see others as lazy for not wanting to do it all, but if OP can't do it all herself, and if he wants and can afford the help, that's seems fair enough to me and the relaxed making memories fun can happen babysitter-free on a more apt day out that they can manage fine between them.

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I agree with this.

This is not a criticism of op, but he is the one who, after being out at work all week would be doing the running around, not able to take eyes of kids due to risks of busy beach and the sea, fetching and carrying etc work at the beach.

It possibly won't be the lovely intimate family day out for him if he's the adult who has to pretty much do all the hard bits.

Days out can be fun but hard and tiring so why not take an extra pair of hands if thats an available option?

CurlewKate · 19/07/2025 15:11

We quite often took one of my teenage nieces to the beach. Made it more fun and relaxed for everyone to have an extra grown up. And I am reasonably sure my dp didn’t “get ideas”-what with him being a 35 year old man and her being 17….

Insomniapain · 19/07/2025 16:25

Horserider5678 · 19/07/2025 13:19

Clearly you didn’t understand what she said! It’s nothing to do with her husband doubting her abilities! It’s about the fact she has fluctuating health which means she struggles sometimes. He sounds thoughtful in thinking of taking the babysitter in case she’s not well! Nothing worse than disappointed children at the beach!

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I understood what OP said perfectly.

I have a different interpretation from you.

Delphiniumandlupins · 19/07/2025 17:00

So the problem is that your DH can't manage 3 school age children at the beach, if you are unwell and unable to help much? I think taking the babysitter along could be a fun day out for everybody and an opportunity for your DH to focus on you, assuming you have a large enough vehicle. But if he's just being hopeless, that's more of a problem.

hmmimnotsurewhy · 19/07/2025 17:09

I’m with your dh. I wouldn’t want to run after 3 little kids in udifferent directions nor would I manage being in the water with 3 kids so help is needed. If you can’t do it then babysitter is the good option.
fwiw going to the beach with 3 young kids and no help is the very furthest thing from relaxing and enjoyable to me!

MoveOverToTheSea · 19/07/2025 17:10

Whaleandsnail6 · 19/07/2025 14:58

I agree with this.

This is not a criticism of op, but he is the one who, after being out at work all week would be doing the running around, not able to take eyes of kids due to risks of busy beach and the sea, fetching and carrying etc work at the beach.

It possibly won't be the lovely intimate family day out for him if he's the adult who has to pretty much do all the hard bits.

Days out can be fun but hard and tiring so why not take an extra pair of hands if thats an available option?

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Days out are fun and things children remember because theyre spent with their parents interacting with them. Not with a babysitter.
Same with making memories as a family, one if the thing the OP wants. That’s something you build together not with an outsider there that will completely change the dynamics.

And yes days out can be knackering. That’s part of being a parent. It’s not because he works (as if mothers didn’t) and his wife is struggling just now that he gets to be put in a pedestal with a ‘oh poor you. No one should ask you to look after your 3 kids with no help. That would be cruel’.

pinkdelight · 19/07/2025 17:21

MoveOverToTheSea · 19/07/2025 17:10

Days out are fun and things children remember because theyre spent with their parents interacting with them. Not with a babysitter.
Same with making memories as a family, one if the thing the OP wants. That’s something you build together not with an outsider there that will completely change the dynamics.

And yes days out can be knackering. That’s part of being a parent. It’s not because he works (as if mothers didn’t) and his wife is struggling just now that he gets to be put in a pedestal with a ‘oh poor you. No one should ask you to look after your 3 kids with no help. That would be cruel’.

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Days out can be fun with all manner of folk, from school groups to family and friends to whoever's around on the beach that day to play with who wasn't part of a pre-planned making memories strategy. I actually tend to remember things more when it wasn't just my parents there as they were the default/norm so that blurs into general childhood more than 'the time when babysitter came with us'.

Besides, this person is hardly an outsider, the kids are used to her and she'll probably be more fun not least because she's being paid to be there and doesn't have any health issues.

No one's putting DH on a pedestal but equally why should the OP get the thing she wants like that's of utmost importance and he should suck it up whatever? Isn't it a day out that's meant to be fun for all of them or just for OP and kids to enjoy while he facilitates?

If OP wanted to bring her mother along to help and hang out with, that would be fine, wouldn't it? In the absence of that kind of help, this is the next best thing.