DH wants to take the babysitter to the beach

[Sickofmen12]

I have some health problems but I have weeks on end when I manage ok. 3 school age DC. We have a teenage babysitter to help if needed if I have a flare up. DH cannot help - profession where he can’t take time off without lots of notice.

DH and I were talking about a day trip to the beach and he said we will have to take babysitter. I asked why, and he said that I’m not well enough to run around with the DC on the beach (alas, probably true) nor can he (he has a few health issues, but he goes running for fitness).

YABU- DH was just trying to help, bringing in help so you didn’t have to do anything. You’re lucky

YANBU - it would be so awkward, paying a teenage babysitter for hours to be squeezed on the backseat with your kids and then run around on the beach in a cute swimsuit and you look awful due to your illness as your husband thinks you’re incapable of looking after your own kids alonee, even when he’s there.

On the basis that if you and DH are at the beach I am assuming there will be a number of teenagers there in swimming costumes… so surely if he is so simple minded as to get ‘ideas’ with your babysitter - then it would equally happen with any of the gazillion people there.. this is all about you I’m afraid.. he actually sounds quite thoughtful..

Where did you get boy from ?

Op says

Babysitter is 19, paid properly and she herself isn’t the issue and she’s lovely. DH isn’t interested in her romantically. I don’t want to give him ideas with seeing her in a swimsuit though, when I don’t give him any action right now due to being unwell.

Tbh as a former aupair this is total normal to me.

Is this you feeling insecure or do you actually suspect he is interested in her?

I mean, in uni I used to babysit for a family so the mum could shut herself in her room for several hours. They had an enormous footballer’s wives style house. The kids were an absolute nightmare. If I had been her, I would have packed my bloody bags and left. So I can see why she hired someone for a few hours behind a closed door.

That said, while I don’t think having hired help is a bad thing if you have a disability and need it to facilitate a day out. I wouldn’t necessarily be comfortable asking a teenager to do it, for several reasons, including it being a big ask to look after other children in water.

But if your Dh can run regularly, he’s well enough to manage a day at the beach with his children. I have been going through cancer treatment for a year and have knees swelled up the size of grapefruits and can barely get upstairs, but I can take my 2 children to the beach.

I don’t want to give him ideas with seeing her in a swimsuit though, when I don’t give him any action right now due to being unwell.

Why is this your thought process? It's weird, really weird. Why so you assume your grown man husband is interested in 19 year old girls? Is he?

Depends on the ages of the kids really. Presumably you’d be at base camp handing out towels, snacks & sunscreen. DH would be supervising at the water.

Having the babysitter would make DH’s role easier, but him spending the day being ‘in charge’ of his own children isn’t a bad thing.

Also depends whether you babysitter already has plans of her own!

The issue is more about me wanting intimacy and privacy because we rarely do anything as a family

A day at the beach isn't about those things though. It's outdoor energetic public and even safety-wise it makes sense with 3 DC to have another pair of eyes/hands/legs. There's stepping up and then there's trying to wrangle 3 DC on his own, physically at least, which is a bit mad and wouldn't be at all private and intimate but a bit of a nightmare checking that one's not running off while you're burying another in the sand and paddling with the third. YABU. Arrange another family outing somewhere more apt where the two of you can have it all covered.

Hmm. I can see it from both sides, but I think it comes down to whether you think his intentions are that you have additional support, or that he is going to use the opportunity to gawk at a teenager?

I have a bad back (3 disks are in pretty bad shape) with one leg that goes numb without notice. My ex has arthritis in both of his hands/arms - so we both struggle in some way.
With 2 young ones, one who is ND neither of us could do a trip like this alone, and on a "good" day we might get away with us acting as a team, 1 child each but as back up I'd ask my eldest DD to join us to help out. (too old, cool and busy to join days out otherwise)

So I can see why he is offering, but also seeing why you'd be concerned.

Currently in discussion with DD about getting a paid carer to join to help with DS on days that would require lots of physical intervention like the beach would for him.

I really want to get that 19 year old out of there!

I don’t want to give him ideas with seeing her in a swimsuit though, when I don’t give him any action right now due to being unwell

Why would he though? Would you seriously "get ideas" if you saw a 19 year old lad in swimshorts running around on the beach?

Its quite a disrespectful view of your husband to think he would be like this.

If you don’t think he fancies her (which would be a real concern) it seem to me that the issue is that he is lazy.

That because you, as the woman and therefore natural default parent (in his eyes), can’t “run around” with the kids, he can’t possibly be expected to do so, and therefore another female has to do it.Because obviously he needs to sit and relax 🙄

Kindly, if you want intimacy and privacy for your family (or for you and your husband), a day trip to the beach isn't going to provide it, with or without your babysitter. I expect you know that, though. It sounds as though your concern is based around insecurity about your appearance due to your health. That is completely understandable, but unless you have reason to be suspicious (and only you can know that) it is not fair to either your husband or your babysitter to assume he will be "given ideas" by the sight of her in a swimming costume. So I think you need to have a proper think about what is really concerning you, and if you trust your husband, perhaps explain how you are feeling about yourself at the moment (not the babysitter!).

If husband goes running for fitness, why can't he play with the kids on the beach?

Children need to play. They will want to play on the beach.

They have one parent who is unable and another who is unwilling to play.

You don't want to take a trusted adult along to play with them because of your own insecurity. Yes, husband should be playing with them but if he doesn't or does so under duress then it's not great for the children.

Life with children is all about what they need. Other people's wants are secondary.

Fair comment OP but you seem to have paid little to no regard to the seating arrangements in the car! You stated that the babysitter will be squeezed into the car with your kids……..do you have a regular 5 seater or an SUV with additional seating with seatbelts/safety for everyone!

I think you should find a male babysitter since you’re uncomfortable around other women. Then your husband can make ridiculous accusations towards you - like you’re effectively doing here - to him.

Also pretty bold of you to assume that a teenage girl has any interest in an old man.

I agree. It is creepy.

Respect their youth, don't put your insecurities on a young lady, trying to earn a few pound.

Other issues aside, if they’ll be swimming, I’d definitely want another pair of eyes there, to watch 3 of them.

But that’s assuming that a teen babysitter won’t be glued to her phone. TBH I’ve seen plenty of parents, never mind babysitters, glued to their phones on the beach, while supposedly watching their children.

So he's quite capable of running for fitness, but can't look after his own kids on a beach? Wow.

That's what I was going to reply lol how bizarre.

Firstly the babysitter isn't a 'girl' she's a 19 year old adult woman - who by the OPs admission is lovely and is paid for her time. Referring to her as a 'teen' babysitter kind of undermines and infantalises her.
She presumably enjoys working for the family and if she doesn't then is capable of not doing so.
I think it's a great idea to take her if she is willing to come along. It will give you and your husband time together too, rather than him just running around after the children. Plenty of people take 'the nanny' on holiday, it's just a day trip version.
Stop over analysing it and enjoy a day out.

Why? Then there would be no need to feel insecure. My friend was having an affair with her current husband, their nanny is 60+ I don't think that's a coincidence (I'm sure she's a fabulous nanny, but just saying I'm sure that was a factor)

This reminds me of an argument I used to have with my wife years ago. I always wanted an au pair, she said we didn't need one as we didn't have children.

If dh goes running for fitness then he’s perfectly capable of dealing with the kids on his own. He just doesn’t want to.
Only the op can say whether that’s because he’s lazy or perving over the teen.

I’d be most unimpressed that he’d rather make it a non family day out by taking someone else.

I suspect that this is just another example, indicative of the real problem in their relationship.

Sounds like he can’t be arsed to be the main child carer for the day and would rather offload that responsibility to a poorly paid female (as men have done for the history of the world). Personally it would annoy me if he couldn’t step up. I’m sure you’ve managed having three kids by yourself in the past.