DH wants to take the babysitter to the beach

[Sickofmen12]

I have some health problems but I have weeks on end when I manage ok. 3 school age DC. We have a teenage babysitter to help if needed if I have a flare up. DH cannot help - profession where he can’t take time off without lots of notice.

DH and I were talking about a day trip to the beach and he said we will have to take babysitter. I asked why, and he said that I’m not well enough to run around with the DC on the beach (alas, probably true) nor can he (he has a few health issues, but he goes running for fitness).

YABU- DH was just trying to help, bringing in help so you didn’t have to do anything. You’re lucky

YANBU - it would be so awkward, paying a teenage babysitter for hours to be squeezed on the backseat with your kids and then run around on the beach in a cute swimsuit and you look awful due to your illness as your husband thinks you’re incapable of looking after your own kids alonee, even when he’s there.

when I was 20, I was a babysitter for a French family who had a 2,4,6 year old.

they didn’t have any health issues but often would hire me for days out such as this, so it meant they could have more 1 on 1 time with each child.

it then developed into me being paid to go on holiday with them for a week or two- skiing or beach holidays, I wasn’t an au pair as such (although I stayed with them on the holidays obviously, and in my own room/studio)

at the time I remember thinking they were mad but now I have my own DC I can see why they did it!

I wouldn’t think too much into it with the swimwear etc, if you’re in the UK it’ll be too cold anyway :D

always great to have an extra pair of hands.

Pretty sure I wouldn’t want my teenaged dd babysitting in your house…..

But that aside. 3 small children. Beach. 2 physically compromised parents. Yes, obviously another adult is a no brainer. Just not one that’s going to be objectified by either or both parents. Can one of your mums go?

You sound quite seriously restricted by your health, and your DH more than anyone will be acutely aware of that fact, and how it impacts your ability to look after 3 young children.

So unless you have trust issues, then seems sensible to me

however the very fact you’re starting a thread about your DH and your concerns… I’m guessing there’s a fairly epic back story. Question is… will you share it?

Maybe you should hire someone older to help you with your children. If this is a longterm problem. A proper childminder who is experienced.
Is it a money reason why you hire a teenager?
As you have made it sound like at certain times you can't do much for them at all.
Other people with health conditions do this or a nanny who doesn't live in the house .
Are you also offended because he worries you won't be up to it on the day? But if thats a strong possibility then he is probably just thinking ahead and thinking of you.
Or you could just pick another activity to do.

I think spend the money on carriage counselling as quite patently there’s trust issues bubbling away here

Do you feel you need her there or not? That’s what it boils down to.

You don't want her there, she's an occasional babysitter not a nanny or family, so that's that. She doesn't go.

It sounds like he's just being realistic about what you're capable of - yabu really

If you aren't going to be able to help him with the kids and he feels he might need help, then I think it's his call.

does your DH really need help with the kids?? It sounds like they’re old enough to listen so I can’t see why three kids at the beach is really unmanageable for him… Im not saying it’s because he fancies her he wants to take her along; but maybe more so he sees you ‘having help’ and seems to think he also needs the help.. does he? Or does he think you don’t deserve it really…

Other underlying thing is your consideration he fancies her… it says something about your current state of relationship. Might be some improvements to make.

In your case I’d probably find different childcare help to be honest aswell as the babysitter. You’re sort of using her in the same way peopke use a nanny. She may well find your husband a bit creepy, I think I would have as a teen sort of playing families on days out especially if you weren’t there…
I’d expect her to start saying she was busy and seeing as you rely on her I’d find an alternative to use sometimes who was more professional, eg a qualified nanny or someone who has a retired teacher or similar so you don’t find yourself without support in future. Best of luck!

The most concerning part of all of this is your description of a teenage girls swimwear

Meant kindly - don’t let your insecurities run away with you! Relax, this is fine - just dh saying let’s make life easy!

Let’s just be really clear: you’re a good mum, you’re a busy mum and you deserve a day out.

If you think having the babysitter there would detract from it feeling like a “nice family day out” then I get it - alternatively you could organise day at beach with friends or family to dilute the kids/ adult ratio.

As none of the questions have been answered about ages of the DC and the teenager- 19 and 13 are very different - it’s impossible to comment. Are you coming back to the thread @Sickofmen12.

Depends on ages of the children. The fact you also have three to keep an eye on is also problematic if they all disappear in different directions. On a busy beach if you are unable to keep getting up with them to take them to the water or run around playing beach games then I can quite see why DH thinks extra help would be useful.

Are you just annoyed because it's a teenager? Would about hiring someone else - older? However I am guessing your teenage babysitter is relatively cheap than if you hired a professional with qualifications.

Well, I think the OP’e username also points to an epic backstory.

but without this possible backstory, I don’t think the idea is unreasonable. I had friends with three DC who used to bring their au pair on days out even if I was there as well. It was easier for everyone to have more adults to take turns doing things with DC even without the health issues.

Can you please clarify @Sickofmen12 : is your husband a perv who drools over your teenage baby-sitter ? Or is it your insecurities about your own body compared to a teenagers body that is the problem? This is key information. If your husband is a perv then you shouldn't hire a teenager; safeguarding issue. If you have insecurities : stop comparing yourself to a teenager. Soon your children will be teens- are you going to compare yourself to them as well?

No he doesn’t. It sounds like he wants some help as it might otherwise be a struggle, especially if the kids are young.

Sounds like many issues here.
Surely if he runs for fitness, then he can keep up with the kids on the beach? 🤨 Do you think you can handle a family beach day without an extra pair of hands? Why would you automatically jump to the conclusion that he wants to see her in a swimsuit? Is he giving other creepy vibes?

I wouldn’t think anything of it (but I don’t know your Dh). It sounds like a good idea.

If she's a minor then no because then you're technically responsible for her too so if anyone gets into trouble swimming then it's all on you. Take an adult.

My prime concern OP would be space in the car……..you say yourself that the teenager “would be squeezed into the backseat with your kids”. What seating configuration does your car have? If the vehicle is a 5 seater - that being two seats in front of and 3 seats in the back (quite regular unless it’s a 7 seater SUV) then he would be breaking the law by putting too many passengers in the back seats. Not only that, he would be endangering the lives of you all in the event of an accident. What a silly man!

Men can’t do right for wrong here sometimes.

I guess it depends on their ages. My children are small so I wouldn’t take them to the beach unless I could confidently run after them and stop them from charging into the sea. If that’s the case for you then it sounds like it’s go with the babysitter or not at all?

Do you think you should go without the babysitter or not go? It’s not clear from your OP as you seem to suggest you need her help but you don’t want her there.

As an ex nanny I think it would be perfectly normal to take the baby sitter to the beach with you. I also think it’s often the more the merrier at the beach.

You don’t seem comfortable with her on your day out though, so don’t take her.

What are his health issues that he can’t look after 3 kids who go to school on a beach

tee nice to have an extra pair of hands

you obv seem threatened by this teen babysitter so time to find another one

tho doubt she has done anything to warrant losing her job