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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to take the babysitter to the beach

265 replies

Sickofmen12 · 19/07/2025 01:51

I have some health problems but I have weeks on end when I manage ok. 3 school age DC. We have a teenage babysitter to help if needed if I have a flare up. DH cannot help - profession where he can’t take time off without lots of notice.

DH and I were talking about a day trip to the beach and he said we will have to take babysitter. I asked why, and he said that I’m not well enough to run around with the DC on the beach (alas, probably true) nor can he (he has a few health issues, but he goes running for fitness).

YABU- DH was just trying to help, bringing in help so you didn’t have to do anything. You’re lucky

YANBU - it would be so awkward, paying a teenage babysitter for hours to be squeezed on the backseat with your kids and then run around on the beach in a cute swimsuit and you look awful due to your illness as your husband thinks you’re incapable of looking after your own kids alonee, even when he’s there.

OP posts:
LittlleMy · 19/07/2025 11:05

Cornflakes44 · 19/07/2025 11:00

Sounds like he can’t be arsed to be the main child carer for the day and would rather offload that responsibility to a poorly paid female (as men have done for the history of the world). Personally it would annoy me if he couldn’t step up. I’m sure you’ve managed having three kids by yourself in the past.

OP has said she pays the teenager ‘properly’ so there’s no reason to disbelieve her.

However, I absolutely agree with you why on earth is he not stepping up to be physically be there for his own kids?! Especially as OP mentions his various fitness interests!

@Sickofmen12 are you able to address this as I note many people are curious! Btw YANBU as it would annoy me too that DH is happy to sacrifice the intimacy and family time because he isn’t willing to pull his weight re childcare duties.

pinkdelight · 19/07/2025 11:11

Cornflakes44 · 19/07/2025 11:00

Sounds like he can’t be arsed to be the main child carer for the day and would rather offload that responsibility to a poorly paid female (as men have done for the history of the world). Personally it would annoy me if he couldn’t step up. I’m sure you’ve managed having three kids by yourself in the past.

Well is it meant to be a nice day out or not? Because if it's about being the main child carer for 3 DC on the beach then I wouldn't find that fun or relaxing and if I could afford an extra pair of hands so that it was fun and relaxing and I could enjoy it rather than stressing about whether one of them's off drowning/getting abducted etc while I'm running around after the others, then I'm all for it. Sounds like the DH works plenty in his job so why shouldn't they get help on a day out if it's gonna be all on him otherwise. We don't know if OP has managed 3 DC in this scenario as the reason this has come up is because she can't. He probably could but it wouldn't be the fun times OP is imagining. I'd be snappy and on edge whereas if the babysitter came, we could all chill and enjoy ourselves.

Neemie · 19/07/2025 11:12

Women reach peak fertility in their late teens to early twenties so it is hardly a shocker that a lot of men find this age group attractive. I’m just surprised that some people are surprised by this.

If the OP brought a tall, strong doctor to help out at the beach, her DH might also feel a little insecure, especially if he was running around rescuing people.

TwoIsNewFive · 19/07/2025 11:14

So you think that between two of you, you should be fine taking care of the children, but it requires him to step up and actually do it for the day. He doesn't want to.

I'd say take the babysitter for the beach day and plan some else "as a family", something smaller, easier to manage which will give you the privacy and intimacy.

Tripole · 19/07/2025 11:25

I don't live in the UK and here it is very common to bring paid help out and about with you. I personally would not do a beach day without bringing our nanny, if I also wanted to have a nice time. It's just so helpful to have an extra pair of hands (and that's without any disabilities).

tuvamoodyson · 19/07/2025 11:31

wandawaves · 19/07/2025 02:54

Eew. He sounds like he wants to see the babysitter in a bikini.

No, it’s his wife who thinks he wants to see the babysitter in a bikini (she just says ‘cute swimwear) if she thinks her husband is so sleazy as to ogle their teenage babysitter, then she has MUCH bigger problems than a day at the beach. Poor babysitter….

BadDinner · 19/07/2025 11:31

People are really naive if they think a 19 year old in a swimsuit is unattractive to a man, or a man would not notice.

I'm with you OP. My answer would be no, I can manage without her thanks.

Then pay attention to his reaction. If it is to buckle down however subtly, that you will need her help, and why are you being unreasonable then your concerns are justified.

If not, and he just cool with it then you can change your mind can't you?

Richiewoo · 19/07/2025 11:35

Dont see the problem. If your both quite immobile. Sounds like a good idea.

AnotherDayAnotherDog · 19/07/2025 11:36

Sickofmen12 · 19/07/2025 09:38

Thank-you everyone for the view points. The issue is more about me wanting intimacy and privacy because we rarely do anything as a family, and feeling like DH doesn’t accept and understand that I feel like this, and DH upping his game in looking after the kids on a leisure day. He’s got his own trips lined up this summer.

Babysitter is 19, paid properly and she herself isn’t the issue and she’s lovely. DH isn’t interested in her romantically. I don’t want to give him ideas with seeing her in a swimsuit though, when I don’t give him any action right now due to being unwell.

Oh dear - you sound quite worried about the possibility of DH straying while you are unwell. That's really upsetting. There will be plenty of other 19 year olds at the beach in swimming costumes though, so perhaps this isn't a strong reason for avoiding taking a familiar and helpful young woman along for the day.

lechatnoir · 19/07/2025 11:38

If your DH is a runner, then other health issues are surely irrelevant as he must be physically capable of managing his own children. Or am I missing something? here?

Radioundermypillow · 19/07/2025 11:38

I've done this before and had zero health issues! Nor did dh, but we had 4 kids and it was a bloody godsend having an energetic teen there to muck about with them. We all went swimming etc together then fh and the babysitter played with them while I read my book. We did it a few times.

My babysitter happened to be a teenage boy, but even so I wouldn't have worried about a girl in a bikini! There's plenty of others on the beach.

Moonnstars · 19/07/2025 11:38

Surely going to the beach could mean he is seeing lots of young women in skimpy bikinis? If you're that worried about where he is looking maybe the beach isn't a great trip to have.

Emmz1510 · 19/07/2025 11:42

There’s a lot to unpick here.
I too would be annoyed if my husband thought that between us we couldn’t manage three kids without the babysitter being there. Why can’t he muck in if you are having a not so good day? You say he also has health issues, but yet he is able to go for runs? Obviously I don’t know your husband, but it sounds like he might be looking for an excuse to be lazy/sunbathe and not have to run around after the kids. Which is ok I guess if you have the money to pay a babysitter to come but it doesn’t exactly allow for a nice family day out does it?

There is clearly a self esteem issue here for you if you are not feeling your best and feel that seeing the young baby sitter in her swimsuit will make you feel insecure. I get it, but if your husband loves you, seeing 19 year old in a bathing suit might briefly catch his eye, but it wouldn’t lead to him ‘getting ideas’ about having sex with her, no matter how little sex you two are currently having. If you think it would, then you have bigger problems here.

yellowdress34 · 19/07/2025 11:46

shinglePringle · 19/07/2025 07:25

Teenager is male

Show quote history

The OP says the teenager is a girl. Where does it say they are male?

yellowdress34 · 19/07/2025 11:51

I think when OP said teenager, it may have given the impression we're talking a young teenager, 14 or something, whereas in fact the baby sitter is 19, so in fact is an adult.

LillyPJ · 19/07/2025 12:09

Isitreallysohard · 19/07/2025 10:56

Why? Then there would be no need to feel insecure. My friend was having an affair with her current husband, their nanny is 60+ I don't think that's a coincidence (I'm sure she's a fabulous nanny, but just saying I'm sure that was a factor)

Show quote history

There was no need to feel insecure anyway. And suggesting that someone old and/or ugly (subjective opinion) means they can't be attractive is just wrong. Also, imagine employing a babysitter just because they are 'old and ugly' - can't you see anything wrong with that?!

BuildbyNumbere · 19/07/2025 12:23

You don’t take a babysitter to the beach, those are days for spending as a family. Sounds like he wants to sit back looking at his phone while someone runs about entertaining his kids, you can’t so get the babysitter to do it.

Emmgem · 19/07/2025 12:24

I think he is just trying to be helpful. If you're uncomfortable with it being the baby sitter could you perhaps ask a family member to come with you?

Zapx · 19/07/2025 12:24

I really can’t see the issue with suggesting taking a baby sitter, who presumably knows your kids well and could help them have a great time? It sounds like he’d be solely responsible for child safety. With a busy beach, I could well see why he’d want a bit of help - make it more fun for everyone? As said babysitter is 19 couldn’t she drive herself and you pay petrol money or whatever to get round the car issue?

Harry12345 · 19/07/2025 12:27

If he’s fit enough to run he’s fit enough to watch 3 school aged children

Fireflybaby · 19/07/2025 12:28

Unless you're planning to rent a secluded private beach, I'm guessing there'll be a lot of other women around looking better and younger than you. What would you do about them? Tell them to go away from your husbands view? So that's a ridiculous thought in my opinion.
I understand you have insecurities and these thoughts stem from your insecurities, but you'll have to trust your husband he probably had your best interests at heart.

If you think his head turns that fast, then probably you shouldn't allow him in public spaces at all, anywhere. Maybe even lock him up in the house , forever. 😅

I think you're exaggerating. Take his proposition, consider it, see how you feel about and say yes please or no thanks. Easy.

yellowdress34 · 19/07/2025 12:29

I think the hub of the matter is in the last paragraph of OP's first post in the thread, in the sentence with the crossed out words.

OP isn't feeling her most youthful, energetic and attractive and is worried at the thought of DH making the comparison between her and the vibrant young woman. We can say until the cows come home 'yes, but he loves you' or 'but he's doing it to help you' etc. but OP is feeling underconfident and vulnerable, and I can totally understand her point of view, and see why the thought of this is worrying for her. I know I've been in a similar mindset at various points in my life. Lucky the woman who hasn't.

OP, you say your husband runs for fitness, so it sounds like he is well able to chase after them and run around etc. If you do actually want to go to the beach, tell him you want the day to be a family day alone with no one else. It doesn't sound like you need anyone else there at all. But DO bear in mind there are likely to be younger women there. If this still concerns you, I would think of some other family day out, rather than the beach.

Thisshirtisonfire · 19/07/2025 12:45

I think YABU. It's dangerous at the seaside. If you can't run after your kids you really need someone there who can. Unless they are all very well behaved abd strong swimmers? But even then it's a risk.
I have 3 young kids and I don't have serious health issues but I wouldn't take them all to the beach by myself. If both you and your DH have health issues he's being really sensible suggesting you take the baby sitter along with you to run after the kids if needs be.

KilkennyCats · 19/07/2025 12:48

To be fair, more than two children near water with parents not physically fit enough to chase after them sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
No idea what designs op’s dh may or may not have on the babysitter, but a young fit person seems like a sensible addition to the trip.

TY78910 · 19/07/2025 12:55

wandawaves · 19/07/2025 02:54

Eew. He sounds like he wants to see the babysitter in a bikini.

What. OP never once said that he’s hinted at this, let alone said it outright. It’s her own insecurity and it’s a bloody awful one - accusing an old male of wanting to see a teen in a bikini.