Partners mum is going to die tonight but im meant to be taking my kids on holiday tomorrow

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Fuck fuck fuck
my partners mum won’t last the night (totally unexpected)
i want to be with him - he’s 3 hours away
but I’m due to fly tomorrow morning to America with my three kids - first time they’ve been out to see my family there in 9 years - I have no family here other than my kids. Literally due to leave for the airport at 7am tomorrow

I don’t live with my partner so his mum my kids have only met once.

DP was due to join us a week later with his kids

I’ve checked the travel insurance policy with a fine tooth comb (am a lawyer) and defo won’t cover the mum of my partner as we’ve got separate insurance policies
my policy is just for me and my kids rather than a joint policy with partner

I don’t know what to do

I could maybe see if I can push the flights back 24 hours but it looks like it will be another £3k (same cost as original)

or send my 2 youngest with my 18 yr old and join in 24 hours? A huge responsibility for the eldest and im not sure im comfortable with it but could speak to eldest to see what she feels about it
youngest two are 11 and 15 so not babies
they’d be met by family

can’t work out the extra flight cost just for me but I think it will be around £1k , that’s not great but better than £3k but I don’t know if I can send my kids alone

fuck fuck fuck

He will be in a whirl of family stuff and practical organising of funerals and the like for the next 2 weeks. He will really need your support when all that has ended. You often don’t really have time to process what has happened until after the funeral when everyone else has gone back to normal. Be there for him then when all the others have moved on.

Go to America with your kids. Your partner will be fine.

Take your kids. Explain to your family what’s happening. Then return home and support your partner if he needs that. Then go back and collect your kids.

I’ve managed to speak to him briefly
i said in any other circumstances I’d be halfway there by now which he knows
he immediately said not to change anything
I said I was looking at changing my flight and my eldest taking the other two and he was adamant not to even consider this

so I will go but I really so desperately wish the timing was different

Agree, he's not her husband, her kids are her family, he's her boyfriend. Family comes first.

Different circumstances, OP, but when my partner's father and mother died 400 miles away I wasn't there because of work and other commitments. My partner never suggested I should have been there and there is no bitterness involved. My in-laws were family-orientated and had all their children and grandchildren and extended family around them in the days before they died. I think I would have been and felt very much like an outsider and actually required support from others.

Find out what your partner thinks. It sounds as if the circumstances are very different but this may be a time when he'd just like to be with family and doesn't want to have to be concerned about you.

You also seem sure your DP's mother will die tonight, but people don't necessarily die when expected. A friend whose mother had a terrible fall and major bleeds into the brain last week was expected to die within 48 hours but is still alive today, seven days later. You will need to factor this into decisions about sending your children to the USA on their own.

He is right
100% travel as planned. Dont come back early

Its unfortunate but your primary obligation is to your children.
Anything else would be grossly unreasonable to them

In the uk funerals take an age (fil was sped up and took almost 4 weeks) so you will be back from the holiday for the funeral itself and also be there to help with other aspects when you get back.

He can cope. He isnt alone - they are people who can support him temporarily

Sorry for the difficult situation you're in. Though a few things to think about - would he do it for you if the shoe was on the other foot?
You've looked into costs of flights and you're going to lose a lot of money and ruin an expensive pre planned family holiday if you cancel it
Is she guaranteed to die tonight? (sorry if that sounds crass, but often people at end of life can keep going for longer than you think)
What would cancelling achieve when your partner already has support around him?
I would just go, offer remote support, speak to him when you're able to and offer to come back if he needs it. Chances are he'll manage the situation on his own.
Don't disappoint your kids or put them under pressure to go alone through US immigration, it's stressful at the best of times. Good luck with whatever you decide

Just saw your update, OP. Good man. Stop making this about your needs and feelings now, and get on preparing to fly with your children.

I personally wouldn't ask him what he wants you to do - I think it's too much to expect him of him at this difficult time. He needs you to tell him what you are doing - and in the circumstances that is to go with your children.

It doesn't sound as if he needs immediate in-person support. Your primary role is to be there for your children and provide them with stability and connection with their own family. They need your immediate in-person support to have this experience. Their needs trump your partner's for the next 2 weeks.

Assuming you are in UK and not of a culture or religion that arrange funerals very quickly, then I also assume you will be back in time for the funeral. If not, you could consider coming back early perhaps (although I wouldn't necessarily depending on your relationship.woth his family)..I don't think there's any point in delaying your trip by 24 hours.

You have a much longer term role to support your partner in the aftermath of this very upsetting time.

Glad you’ve heard from him and that he’s reassured you that you are to go with the kids and have the holiday you planned.
I do understand the timing couldn’t be worse (when is timing for this stuff ever good?) and that you want to be there to support him but you will be coming back in a couple of weeks
and be able to contact him while you’re away,
Hope you manage to make the best of your time op, with your family and your dc. I think it’s the right decision although I can appreciate why you were torn.

I appreciate that you have been in a relationship with each other for 8 years which is a long time but you both have children from previous relationships and sometimes those children have to take priority. You say you haven't been to the US for many years and have lots of family to catch up with. That's important for you as well as your children. You've been through a lot too - divorce, losing your parents and best friend - and you deserve to focus on yourself and your kids. It's just really really unfortunate timing. The thing is, you say he has siblings with him - assuming they all get on, they can support each other. And you can support him at a distance, as you say. Not the same as physically being with him, but the next best thing.

Go.

If my partner did this to me when my mum died, I would end the relationship. Go another time.

You can go to America any time but he will lose his mother only once. He will always remember the faces of those who were there to support him in what will be one of the toughest moments in his life. If he’s a partner of 8 years clearly you have a deep and strong relationship and to not be there may leave a lasting impact or it may not but then you know him best.

I'd missed this when I posted. I'm glad he said that. It's the right call.

Hugs OP. Must be really heart wrenching.

Just take your holiday as planned, go with your kids. It's important to them and I'm sure your DP would want you to put them first.
You'll be back in plenty of time for the funeral etc. It would be understandable if he doesn't join you but he may well also decide to not let his kids down.
Talk to him. Don't second guess.

You can all go another time. Sorry op but be ready to be there for your dp. I’d assume they’d do the same for you. Your kids can go in the future, this is a huge thing for your partner, and you’re 8 years together so not an insignificant relationship

Sorry, also missed the update. He's a decent guy, bless him.

This is the best and most sensible outcome given the awful situation. Just remember you’ll be driven to stay and support him in an attempt to “heal” and “rewrite” your bad experience with your ex. It’s not the same. You’re not letting him down. Try to be present as possible for your kids. Good luck!

You staying won’t save your partner’s mum and as much as he may want you there for emotional support, if he thinks anything of you he will know that you should go.

Your kids will be looking forward to it and he will know you can’t cancel through insurance. I’d explain to your partner that you have to go for the kids sakes and finances won’t allow you to cancel, but that you’ll be on the end of the phone when you get there if he needs you.

Just go. It’s the only sensible option here. You’re going to end up losing a ton of money for something you can’t change otherwise.

Honestly I agree with your partner: and if this were to happen to me I know I’d have the support of my family. Whilst you’ve been together for so long would he really want your kids to miss out due to circumstances that don’t involve them?

He sounds like a keeper OP, I’m glad you have each other. Try not to feel too guilty about going, you are making the right call

Yes. Exactly!

I agree. He has family with him and you will be supporting him yourself as best as you can from afar. As @Lafufufu said, the funeral could take several weeks to arrange, and you will be there to support him for that, and afterwards. I know people say (including myself) that the real grieving often begins after the funeral when everyone has gone home and the distraction of thinking about how many sandwiches to order etc has gone. He knows you want to be there for him and you will. I hope you have a lovely holiday with your children despite this xxx

I don’t think you should delay going, but could you maybe get an earlier flight back? He will be having to sort out so much and he has his relatives with him. You can facetime him, give emotional support and then fly back earlier. The funeral will not be for a few weeks, you can provide practical support from afar and come back when it is feasible