Partners mum is going to die tonight but im meant to be taking my kids on holiday tomorrow

[Allcrisisnocalm]

Fuck fuck fuck
my partners mum won’t last the night (totally unexpected)
i want to be with him - he’s 3 hours away
but I’m due to fly tomorrow morning to America with my three kids - first time they’ve been out to see my family there in 9 years - I have no family here other than my kids. Literally due to leave for the airport at 7am tomorrow

I don’t live with my partner so his mum my kids have only met once.

DP was due to join us a week later with his kids

I’ve checked the travel insurance policy with a fine tooth comb (am a lawyer) and defo won’t cover the mum of my partner as we’ve got separate insurance policies
my policy is just for me and my kids rather than a joint policy with partner

I don’t know what to do

I could maybe see if I can push the flights back 24 hours but it looks like it will be another £3k (same cost as original)

or send my 2 youngest with my 18 yr old and join in 24 hours? A huge responsibility for the eldest and im not sure im comfortable with it but could speak to eldest to see what she feels about it
youngest two are 11 and 15 so not babies
they’d be met by family

can’t work out the extra flight cost just for me but I think it will be around £1k , that’s not great but better than £3k but I don’t know if I can send my kids alone

fuck fuck fuck

Sorry if you’ve said but how young are the younger two?

Thank you for keeping me company, I’m just desperately needing to speak to him but I know that’s not easy in intensive care because sadly I’ve been there with a loved one too

If your relationship is as strong as it sounds then I suspect he would be more pissed off that you stayed than if you went.

I certainly would be.

Its not ideal but it is how it is.

The difference between this and your ex is that you CARE and he didnt. Your partner knows that you care but you have a huge commitment that you must see through. You havent said "Oh dear, how sad. I found a great deal online so I am off to Benidorm with the girls for a week, see ya!!"

Two seperate things are calling to you but who needs you more? Your kids. And its ok to acknowledge that.

I'm happy for the clarification you are definitely sending your kids. If all you are worried about is them flying alone and being in America, they will be fine, the fearmongering and silliness about the USA is off the scale at the moment.

But I still think you should go, and I think he should say that too. You would tell him that, in the same circumstances. Anyway, good luck with it all.

What a difficult situation. I don't think it's as easy as saying you should put your children first and just go off on holiday without a backward glance. You've been with your partner for a long time and presumably he would appreciate your presence and the support that you can provide. OTOH I can understand not wanting to cancel a holiday you've been looking forward to.

I'm not sure that delaying by 24 hours would actually help in any case. If you are with your partner for a day and then leave, he will still be in the very early phase of shock and grief. I would think that it could be quite wrenching for him if you spend such a short amount of time with him and then won't see him for 2 weeks (assuming he will not join you for the second half of the holiday as originally planned).

If you send your children on their own, are they confident travellers? Have they handled customs and immigration before? Are they U.S. citizens? (I hate having to ask that but in the current horrific atmosphere, U.S. citizens are treated more humanely than non-citizens, though even citizenship is not enough to protect them in these dark days. ETA: I am a U.S. citizen myself, I'm speaking from experience.)

It would be a lovely gesture to drop everything and support your partner. If everything was a couple of days off work and taking in some food to him that would be reasonable. Giving up family holiday is too much. You can give support via phone calls and text. Try and facilitate his kids still coming if the distraction will be helpful to them it is something you can do if he doesnt come. But cancelling altogether is too much.

Sorry just seen - I think at that age it would be fine to send them together if they’re happy enough

Take the kids. Come back if you have to.
However, it's 2025. You can face time and speak ten times a day. Neither of you will be waiting for an airmail letter or telegram.

Then I think I’d send them alone. They’ll be fine.

I would still go if I were you @Allcrisisnocalm She's his mum not yours, and you're not married. I gather the children aren't his?

Ok based on your updates then I'd say if you can't get the airline to reduce the charges so you can fly with kids on Sunday you should go, deposit your kids, do some family reunion stuff, and then fly back early. And speak to DP and see what he wants when you get a chance, and that will probably help you make the decision.

Alternatively could a friend/relative fly out with the kids to take them or one of your US relatives fly this way to collect them? That way if there's hassle at US immigration they will have support. On the way back into the UK it should be much easier.

Thinking about this realistically: your kids are going.
They cannot go through Immigration alone. Not under those circumstances.
Therefore you are going.
Everything else will slot into place from that.

Good luck, this is shitty.

Why does being married make any difference if you've been together 8 years?

i feel for you. Very shit choices but this. Take kids to America. Once they are safely with family you can decide if you need to come back or not and you can leave them with family if you need to. You will have more information in a few days to help make a decision.

Life is for the living and all that jazz

If you lived together I think it would be different but you don’t. He will have family to
rally around him while he grieves. He might even need space. It will be very hard to speak to him about this now as I imagine he won’t be in a place to talk about it.

You're the lawyer, but wouldn't extreme stress mean YOU wouldn't be fit to go, triggering insurance? Only saying as I know someone who was allowed time off work (missing something really serious-they'd never have let her take it holiday) because she got a sick note for stress. Like I say, I'm not qualified to judge on this, but might be worth checking.
FWIW, I cancelled a holiday once just to be with a friend whose dad was very ill, and I finished with a boyfriend (not using the term partner as feel he was only a boyfriend) who went to Spain when I was going through some serious stuff, because I would have been there for him the other way round. But people are different, there's no law saying I was right and that he was wrong. I just knew he wasn't right for me. It is only opinion.

This is a good plan.

I think you need to put your kids first ultimately op. Go on the plane. Support him from the US until you are together again.

He is an adult and has family and grown up kids etc.

It's not like your ex, as you do care and will support him.

There's no way I'd send an 11 year old long haul without their mum or dad personally, I just couldn't do it, regardless of what country they were landing in and who they'd be staying with.

Also, 11 is young. This is a big holiday for you and your dcs, and extended family, your partner should be able to tell you to go, even if it's not his first choice he should be able to see that your youngest especially is your priority.

I would go on the holiday. He has his children and siblings for support. Your kids need you

I’m nearly 40 and dread US immigration - they are mean, surly, abrasive. I have a no issue background with a normal British passport. I have once, at Boston, been taken to the “holding pen” and it was horrible. They detained me for an hour whilst my American husband had to wait in the baggage reclaim bit. He was not allowed to see me. I didn’t do anything wrong and it was entirely the officer in the passport stamp-y booth bit’s clerical error.

I wouldn’t want to be 18 and in charge of two minors in a US airport.

What is this even trying to answer to. The bereaved are living. OP is not considering staying in honour of the deceased, she wants to support ehr Partner.

The suggestion of going as planned tomorrow and then offering your partner to come back for a few days if he is falling apart sounds sensible to me. I’d be going to bed now as you’ll need your sleep.

Ive been supported by a partner from afar when a parent died. I absolutely didn’t want him to make the long haul flight out to help as was swamped with grief, and organisation. It was good having him on the phone and on my return, if it helps

Exactly this. He can cope on his own. Women have to cope with a LOT of shit on their own... As you say, he's a big boy. A grown-up. He can deal with this, without wrecking the OP's holiday. (And her childrens!)

Could you go with your kids for the first week then see how he is and if he wants you to fly back for the second week leaving the kids with family over there- if they’re all comfortable with that?
The first week he might be too much in shock/busy with kids/arrangements and not have as much need /time for you as when it starts sinking in? Or by that point he might say he’ll be fine, stay the second week and he’ll see you when you’re back.