Partners mum is going to die tonight but im meant to be taking my kids on holiday tomorrow

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Fuck fuck fuck
my partners mum won’t last the night (totally unexpected)
i want to be with him - he’s 3 hours away
but I’m due to fly tomorrow morning to America with my three kids - first time they’ve been out to see my family there in 9 years - I have no family here other than my kids. Literally due to leave for the airport at 7am tomorrow

I don’t live with my partner so his mum my kids have only met once.

DP was due to join us a week later with his kids

I’ve checked the travel insurance policy with a fine tooth comb (am a lawyer) and defo won’t cover the mum of my partner as we’ve got separate insurance policies
my policy is just for me and my kids rather than a joint policy with partner

I don’t know what to do

I could maybe see if I can push the flights back 24 hours but it looks like it will be another £3k (same cost as original)

or send my 2 youngest with my 18 yr old and join in 24 hours? A huge responsibility for the eldest and im not sure im comfortable with it but could speak to eldest to see what she feels about it
youngest two are 11 and 15 so not babies
they’d be met by family

can’t work out the extra flight cost just for me but I think it will be around £1k , that’s not great but better than £3k but I don’t know if I can send my kids alone

fuck fuck fuck

If he is with his adult kids that is probably the bubble he needs - people who are grieving together
take your children on holiday

Well, that changes it a bit. But I'd still go, and if he loves you he will want you to go. The absolute most you should do is delay it a bit and send your kids - who will definitely be fine on the flight and safe in America with their family.

Please don't ruin your children's amazing holiday to see their own family for no reason - I honestly don't think they will ever forget you doing that, no matter what they say about it in the moment. I'd have been devastated as a child or teenager to have this trip of a life time taken away from me because my mother's boyfriend's mum died and we stayed even though nobody could do anything or help.

I remember I was living in America when my parents came to visit, years ago. My grandfather died, my dad's dad, and he was sad and spoke on the phone to his sister, but didn't even contemplate going back earlier, and so he missed the funeral. He instantly realised he'd have ruined his trip to see his daughter, husband and grandchild for no reason, everyone managed without him as they do. Sometimes you just have to be practical about death, sad though it is.

Staying won't change anything, and neither will going. It's sad, but death is part of life.

Go with your kids. Be diff if not on holiday / you would rush to be with him

but he has his kids and siblings

Emotional
which is why I know he will really want me there
I can’t even drive there and back and make the flight

Definitely go with your kids. You’re letting past experience colour this. He’ll be fine and you’ll still be supporting him - going on a planned trip like this one doesn’t mean you aren’t. Whereas if you stayed it would really throw the kids. They are your ultimate responsibility which you must realise

Then make the flight.

I do realise this, thank you

I would travel as planned.
Whilst it’s bad timing, what realistic good will you staying have? He’s a big boy. Your children have lives too.

I would call him when you get a chance and ask him what he wants you to do. Tell him you're desperate to be with him but don't want to risk the kids going through US immigration alone. I think you just have to do what your gut tells you ultimately. So sorry, what a nightmare.

Incidentally how do his adult kids feel about you? If it's an awkward relationship might he actually prefer you not to be there?

I would call and see if you can get the airline to make an exception on the fees given the extenuating circumstances. Worth a try. I'd probably delay 48h rather than 24h if that's feasible.

So sorry for the awful situation but if you send the kids and not you please please please get them to ask someone at the airport to update your booking when they check I. so you don’t go down as no show as you’ll loose your return ticket if you don’t get on the plane!

But it sounds like you are looking for support to take away your children's holiday from them because you want to be with your boyfriend, who will actually be fine, whereas their trip to see family will be ruined, for no practical reason. So I think that is why the other poster reminded you that the kids matter more than your boyfriend. I think this will harm your relationship with their kids, if they see you put your boyfriend's feelings over theirs.

They are fine with me but I’m not close to them just because we haven’t blended families
he does have a close knit family
it’s just really awful for him
ive lost both my parents and my best friend as mentioned and you just want your loved ones’ support
it’s just desperately awful timing

I think you should talk to partner. He probably wouldn’t expect you to abandon your kids under these circumstances

It is worth a try, but because he is not her husband, he's not family, and neither is his mum, so I think they will just say no.

was a genuine thank you as that poster spoke sense
rereading I see it might come across as sarcastic

I wish he’d phone me

He's a big boy - what on earth? Who wouldn't want their partner's support when their parent dies? Fair enough to advise OP to go as it is a finely balanced situation but you'd have to have the emotional intelligence of a gnat to not realise how difficult a decision this is for the OP given how much her partner will need her.

Can you send food round, from m&s or the frozen food cook shop? His poor mom probably won’t be buried for more than a month so you’ll definitely be back for the funeral and can support him through that time

This sounds like a potential compromise?

I'm really sorry this is happening to you all.

If your kids have only met her once in 8 years it doesn't sound like you were close to her either. Presumably your partner will be with his family and children and this is hardly the time to bring your children into the situation.

Go to see you family but keep in touch with him all the time. I'm sure he will understand that you didn't have much of a choice.
If you end up cancelling and then sitting around like a spare part, it isn't going to help anyone.

Oh, ok, sorry about that then.

Looks like next flight on same airline and route after Sunday is Wednesday
I have a lot of family reunion stuff planned, people travelling from all over the states to meet up on Monday

my kids are 100% going I can’t cancel their holiday

Her children aren’t big boys. He’s an adult. They come first.

I’ve met her lots of times as I go there when my kids are with her dad, she’s a lovely lovely lady and I think she liked me as a partner for her son

Go on the trip. He will have support of his family, which is more relevant as they know his DM properly. If anything it might feel intrusive for his DC having you there, irs their grandma too.