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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners mum is going to die tonight but im meant to be taking my kids on holiday tomorrow

433 replies

Allcrisisnocalm · 18/07/2025 22:24

Fuck fuck fuck
my partners mum won’t last the night (totally unexpected)
i want to be with him - he’s 3 hours away
but I’m due to fly tomorrow morning to America with my three kids - first time they’ve been out to see my family there in 9 years - I have no family here other than my kids. Literally due to leave for the airport at 7am tomorrow

I don’t live with my partner so his mum my kids have only met once.

DP was due to join us a week later with his kids

I’ve checked the travel insurance policy with a fine tooth comb (am a lawyer) and defo won’t cover the mum of my partner as we’ve got separate insurance policies
my policy is just for me and my kids rather than a joint policy with partner

I don’t know what to do

I could maybe see if I can push the flights back 24 hours but it looks like it will be another £3k (same cost as original)

or send my 2 youngest with my 18 yr old and join in 24 hours? A huge responsibility for the eldest and im not sure im comfortable with it but could speak to eldest to see what she feels about it
youngest two are 11 and 15 so not babies
they’d be met by family

can’t work out the extra flight cost just for me but I think it will be around £1k , that’s not great but better than £3k but I don’t know if I can send my kids alone

fuck fuck fuck

OP posts:
thelakeisle · 20/07/2025 01:44

Orderofthephoenixparody · 20/07/2025 01:29

The advice I received was unwise I would have been better off putting my pride aside and airing my dirty laundry. I did that recently and it felt liberating and I got the answers I needed. A lot of people are worried about how they will look so they come here. Op got the answers she needed from her partner not on here. It does feel like a toxic environment most of the time. Maybe I am growing up and outgrowing Mumsnet.

Show quote history

I agree it can be a toxic place, and perhaps I am wrong to think that it is generally reflective of how people are in real life. Perhaps I have just seen too much awfulness online over the years and have grown to believe that is how people really are. I go through phases of this site, and it will do me good to avoid for a few months again. After today, I'll stick to my audio books and channels like The Irish Homestead and Steve Marsh on YouTube for a while.

Inthecafe · 20/07/2025 04:21

thelakeisle · 20/07/2025 00:58

Ok. But I can genuinely say I have never given advice to anyone, online or off, that I do not believe is correct. And to my way of thinking, nobody should ask for advice if they do not expect to receive it. That in itself is a learning curve that so few seem prepared to actually learn from - posting a thread asking for advice means you will get a lot of different perspectives, some will troll you, some will flame you, some wil actually try to tell the truth, and you have to try to decide if the words are wise or unwise.

Mumsnet is also full of people trying not to hurt one another's feelings - which is really quite usless and does not prepare them for the true feelings and opinions of the average person.

Ultimately, I think most people post on mumsnet because they want to someone to tell them they are right, and occasionally they want a nudge to do the right thing. It's a good lesson that you shouldn't do that unless you have a thick skin and know how to cope with an influx of thoughts from strangers.

What you are seeing is people's true thoughts, whether they would say them or not in real life is quite a different story. I would, I suspect many wouldn't.

Anyway, I just don't see the point in torturing yourself if it bothers you so greatly, and though I was dismissive before I am sincere in that comment.

I'd stay away from commentaries on the internet altogether if it angered, distressed or upset me to any great exent. It's why I don't watch the news, or documentaries on certain subject, or true crime podcasts, those things can trigger me.

Show quote history

Mumsnet really isn’t for you @thelakeisle with this mentality 😆

Inthecafe · 20/07/2025 04:23

@thelakeisle

you “never given advice”?

you posted 78x yesterday…. The majority of which - giving advice!!

tuvamoodyson · 20/07/2025 05:02

Allcrisisnocalm · 18/07/2025 22:49

They are fine with me but I’m not close to them just because we haven’t blended families
he does have a close knit family
it’s just really awful for him
ive lost both my parents and my best friend as mentioned and you just want your loved ones’ support
it’s just desperately awful timing

Show quote history

He has his loved ones support.

Inthecafe · 20/07/2025 06:46

tuvamoodyson · 20/07/2025 05:02

He has his loved ones support.

Show quote history

Who barely know the Op so would probably not be appreciated by them!

Muffinmam · 20/07/2025 06:48

Zov · 19/07/2025 19:56

You absolutely can be 'partners' and not live together @Muffinmam What the defacto are you banging on about? Confused

No! You can’t! That’s my entire point!

Defacto relationship means you are living with a “partner” in the same house and in a manner similar to being married. That’s what it means! In my country it means you can make a claim on their assets in the event you split. By calling someone your partner or defacto you are saying you are living together in a manner very similar to a marriage.

You can’t say you have a “partner” if you haven’t partnered up in the same house!

If you are exclusively dating a man and don’t live together then that man is your boyfriend. If you live together he is your partner. If you are engaged he is your fiancé. If you’re married he is your husband.

You can’t call someone your “partner” if that person lives in their own house with their own family! And you live in your own house with your own family! Where is the partnership if you’re living separately?

This is such a simple concept that I don’t understand why you are arguing.

I’m wondering if this is a regional saying in certain parts of the UK where women refer to their boyfriends as their partner when they are not in any partnership together (I.e. they don’t live together, they don’t pay bills together or share any children - they live completely separate lives).

Inthecafe · 20/07/2025 07:07

@Muffinmam you think you are in a “partnership” because you live with someone

but your “partner” is a vile abusive sex pest.

thats no “partnership” in my eyes

ASimpleLampoon · 20/07/2025 07:52

Go on your trip. You don't live with him and don't have kids together. You need to put your kids and family first.

Support him at the funeral which will he weeks away and face time him every day.

SENNeeds2 · 20/07/2025 08:16

I'm sorry about your loss. I hope you have landed safely. Depending how your partner is, maybe one option is once your kids have settled in maybe stay one week and leave them with family and you head home one week early.

LadyTangerine · 20/07/2025 08:41

SENNeeds2 · 20/07/2025 08:16

I'm sorry about your loss. I hope you have landed safely. Depending how your partner is, maybe one option is once your kids have settled in maybe stay one week and leave them with family and you head home one week early.

Why would she leave her kids? Her bf has plenty of support at home.

HuskyNew · 20/07/2025 08:45

Allcrisisnocalm · 18/07/2025 22:31

I’m not sure what he wants he’s only just found out she’s dying and we’ve only communicated by text so far as he hasn’t been able to ring yet

he’s got his adult kids and two siblings at the hosp

i would obviously drop everything in any other circumstances

we’ve been together 8 years

im away for 2 weeks but he was due to join for the second week

I’d go. You’ll be back by the funeral.

LadyTangerine · 20/07/2025 08:52

HuskyNew · 20/07/2025 08:45

I’d go. You’ll be back by the funeral.

Show quote history

She went yesterday.

marcopront · 20/07/2025 11:08

@Muffinmam

Please confirm this is your understanding.

Scenario 1
Two people are in a committed relationship. However they feel it is better for their children to remain in the homes they are used to and so don’t live together. When the children are with the other parent they are together.
They are not partners.

Scenario 2
Two people have known each other for a couple of months. She moved into his house after a fight with her parents. He pays the rent and she pays the electricity bill. They both see it as a short term thing.
They are partners.

Zov · 20/07/2025 13:08

Muffinmam · 20/07/2025 06:48

No! You can’t! That’s my entire point!

Defacto relationship means you are living with a “partner” in the same house and in a manner similar to being married. That’s what it means! In my country it means you can make a claim on their assets in the event you split. By calling someone your partner or defacto you are saying you are living together in a manner very similar to a marriage.

You can’t say you have a “partner” if you haven’t partnered up in the same house!

If you are exclusively dating a man and don’t live together then that man is your boyfriend. If you live together he is your partner. If you are engaged he is your fiancé. If you’re married he is your husband.

You can’t call someone your “partner” if that person lives in their own house with their own family! And you live in your own house with your own family! Where is the partnership if you’re living separately?

This is such a simple concept that I don’t understand why you are arguing.

I’m wondering if this is a regional saying in certain parts of the UK where women refer to their boyfriends as their partner when they are not in any partnership together (I.e. they don’t live together, they don’t pay bills together or share any children - they live completely separate lives).

Show quote history

Yes you can, you CAN be partners without living together. All you are spouting is YOUR OPINION. No matter how much you repeat your 'defacto' ranting, it doesn't make it true that people cannot be partners unless they are living together.

Time to stop now. You're embarrassing yourself @Muffinmam

Zov · 20/07/2025 13:09

marcopront · 20/07/2025 11:08

@Muffinmam

Please confirm this is your understanding.

Scenario 1
Two people are in a committed relationship. However they feel it is better for their children to remain in the homes they are used to and so don’t live together. When the children are with the other parent they are together.
They are not partners.

Scenario 2
Two people have known each other for a couple of months. She moved into his house after a fight with her parents. He pays the rent and she pays the electricity bill. They both see it as a short term thing.
They are partners.

Yep. This is pretty much confirming that @Muffinmam is just spouting OPINIONS and not facts.

MiseryIn · 20/07/2025 13:19

it depends really. I have an 18 year old and it would be a lot to ask for them to do this alone, let alone with siblings.

it’s hard but I think I would still go.

Muffinmam · 20/07/2025 14:06

Inthecafe · 20/07/2025 07:07

@Muffinmam you think you are in a “partnership” because you live with someone

but your “partner” is a vile abusive sex pest.

thats no “partnership” in my eyes

Thank you for looking at my post history to use it against me.

In my country because he is my “partner” (meaning we live together in a defacto relationship) I’m entitled to his financial assets when I leave.

It is a legal term here. If he were merely my boyfriend I wouldn’t have a claim to his assets.

Inthecafe · 20/07/2025 14:26

Muffinmam · 20/07/2025 14:06

Thank you for looking at my post history to use it against me.

In my country because he is my “partner” (meaning we live together in a defacto relationship) I’m entitled to his financial assets when I leave.

It is a legal term here. If he were merely my boyfriend I wouldn’t have a claim to his assets.

Show quote history

Firstly, I posed a response to your post on the other thread. Your post was very very disturbing and memorable.

secondly, you don’t think it’s relevant given that you’re endlessly spouting about what a “partnership” means on this thread, When quite clearly the “partnership” you’re in, whilst living under the same roof, is very patently something abusive, sinister and very very unhappy.

Inthecafe · 20/07/2025 14:27

Muffinmam · 20/07/2025 14:06

Thank you for looking at my post history to use it against me.

In my country because he is my “partner” (meaning we live together in a defacto relationship) I’m entitled to his financial assets when I leave.

It is a legal term here. If he were merely my boyfriend I wouldn’t have a claim to his assets.

Show quote history

So your view on the word partnership in terms of a relationship is strictly defined by financial law in your company and nothing else?

LlynTegid · 20/07/2025 17:10

I hope the OP and her children are having a lovely holiday,

Sux2buthen · 20/07/2025 17:30

Muffinmam · 19/07/2025 04:15

He isn’t your partner. He’s your boyfriend. You aren’t married, you aren’t engaged, you aren’t even living together.

Go on your trip. You need to see your family. It’s been almost a decade without seeing them.

Bollocks.
marriage doesn’t equal a closer bond or more important relationship.
the number of posts on here blathering on about not being married like it matters one tiny shite.

Tontostitis · 20/07/2025 18:08

Sux2buthen · 20/07/2025 17:30

Bollocks.
marriage doesn’t equal a closer bond or more important relationship.
the number of posts on here blathering on about not being married like it matters one tiny shite.

Show quote history

It really does. You are kidding yourself if you think otherwise marriage is a formal, legal commitment to care for one another. That legalcommitment is reflected in home ownership, inheritance, sick bed rights, parental rights. A decision to remain unmarried as the OP has is a choice to prioritise her children and I think she's right but it does mean she is rejecting the closer bond to her partner marriage entails. And same for him.

Sux2buthen · 20/07/2025 18:40

Bollocks again. It’s a contract to split your stuff if you fall apart. Theres no such thing as a legal commitment to care for each other. You may find a married couple that couldn’t give two shits or an unmarried couple that would do anything for each other.
I was more referring to the posts implying the bond is lesser because it’s not a legal contract.
marriage does not in anyway guarantee a ‘closer bond’
It’d outdated and thankfully so

Sux2buthen · 20/07/2025 18:41

Either way, I’m sorry to OP for her partners loss

Soulfulunfurling · 20/07/2025 19:37

Sux2buthen · 20/07/2025 18:40

Bollocks again. It’s a contract to split your stuff if you fall apart. Theres no such thing as a legal commitment to care for each other. You may find a married couple that couldn’t give two shits or an unmarried couple that would do anything for each other.
I was more referring to the posts implying the bond is lesser because it’s not a legal contract.
marriage does not in anyway guarantee a ‘closer bond’
It’d outdated and thankfully so

It’s very far from outdated, and that ‘scrap of paper’ gives you legal protection in so many ways.

For me marriage means we have security and permanence, and are a family. We all share the same name, and blood. It is the ultimate commitment to me at least, and we share everything.