Partners mum is going to die tonight but im meant to be taking my kids on holiday tomorrow

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Fuck fuck fuck
my partners mum won’t last the night (totally unexpected)
i want to be with him - he’s 3 hours away
but I’m due to fly tomorrow morning to America with my three kids - first time they’ve been out to see my family there in 9 years - I have no family here other than my kids. Literally due to leave for the airport at 7am tomorrow

I don’t live with my partner so his mum my kids have only met once.

DP was due to join us a week later with his kids

I’ve checked the travel insurance policy with a fine tooth comb (am a lawyer) and defo won’t cover the mum of my partner as we’ve got separate insurance policies
my policy is just for me and my kids rather than a joint policy with partner

I don’t know what to do

I could maybe see if I can push the flights back 24 hours but it looks like it will be another £3k (same cost as original)

or send my 2 youngest with my 18 yr old and join in 24 hours? A huge responsibility for the eldest and im not sure im comfortable with it but could speak to eldest to see what she feels about it
youngest two are 11 and 15 so not babies
they’d be met by family

can’t work out the extra flight cost just for me but I think it will be around £1k , that’s not great but better than £3k but I don’t know if I can send my kids alone

fuck fuck fuck

Nice one. That's decent of him. I wish him well, and I'm sorry he's lost his mum. I wish you well too. Have a nice holiday with your children, and your family across the pond ...

I'm glad he has come back to you and told you to go OP. That shows how much he loves you. Once you have gone and the dust has settled a bit you can chat in a few days and consider coming back early if he decides not to travel for the second week. Should be much easier for the kids coming this way if you do that and you will have time to make proper arrangements for them.

Sending hugs and warm thoughts🌹

When my mum died I had been with dh for 15 years and married for 8. I actually found it easier not to have him there. I just needed to be in the bubble with my dad and brothers and not have to think about him (he lost his dad two years before and was similar).
so I would say definitely go, your dp may or may not be able to join you next week

As much as you would like to be there for him at the moment and feel bad for appearing like you’re going off on your jollies whilst he’s dealing with something so tragic, if you don’t know the rest of his family well, it would probably be better to leave them to comfort each other. Make sure he knows that you don’t want to impose and that now isn’t the time to be making introductions and they should all be focussing on one another as it’s a very devastating time for them all. Apart from the flight, you will be on the end of the phone for him and can look for an earlier flight home if he needs you.

Funerals here takes ages now, you’d be looking at around three to four weeks, so you’ll be back in time for that when he will need your support. Also there will be other people around for that so you won’t feel as uncomfortable as you would being at the hospital/with them in the immediate aftermath at such a highly emotional and private time for all of them. Whilst you’ve been together for a long time, you don’t know the rest of the family well enough for any of you to feel comfortable being thrown together in this situation.

I think you should go, but consider coming back early. DP has got a support network around him right now, but as time goes on, people get tired, crisis levels drop and the initial rush of adrenaline subsides. That’s when he will need your support more.

I think you obviously go with your kids to America as planned. Not only should they be your priority but you’re going to see family, and everyone will be looking forward to it - not least you who probably needs the support!

I would speak to your partner but I’m sure he’ll understand. For the sake of 24 hours, 3 k is insane.

There are some really insensitive posts on this thread. My father died suddenly and unexpectedly. At the time, my DH was working hundreds of miles away. All I wanted was for him to be with me. Of course, he immediately dropped everything and was by my side as soon as he could get there. I appreciate that the OP's situation is more complicated due to the planned holiday. But supporting a bereaved loved one is surely something that anyone in a relationship should actively want to do, even in difficult situations such as this one.

I would take my kids to America and if my partner needed me to, fly back and leave them with family there.
He's with his siblings etc now he's not alone

Sorry - just saw your update.

He sounds a very decent bloke - glad he was in agreement.

It’s just awful timing, but you’re both doing the right thing in not cancelling the kids holiday. You can support him on the phone, make it clear that you’ll be there to talk at any time if he needs to. You can also hop on a plane and come back home if it turns out that’s what’s needed.

But not everyone is the same. He has his family around him, all supporting each other.

I agree that you should go @Maythefuckinglordopen - and I’m glad your partner gave you his blessing. I say this as someone too like you who lost people (my mum and a best friend during my marriage and my ex’s cruel lack of support was one of the death knells of their relationship.

You will be there to support him every step of the way when you return. Ime sometimes people need more support when the Adrenalin & shock has worn off. He will know this is just a case of awful awful timing. I hope he is as ok as he can be.

Get on the flight with your kids.

Im sorry but there is no way on God's green Earth that I would leave my partner to go on holiday when his mum was on her death bed.

Even if my partner insisted I go I'd be there by his side in his hour of need.

I’m quite surprised by the responses to this thread, especially the ones along the lines of “you’re not married so he’s not family”.

They’ve been together 8 years. Would you feel differently if they were married? Would you think she should stay then?

That's not fair, it's not just her partner to consider but her children and her own family travelling to see her. If it was just op and a random holiday she won't consider putting aside then yeah that's rough but it's not that straightforward

Go with your kids. They are the priority and your partner has family around him. you can support him remotely and you may well be back for the funeral.

Your partner hasn't actually had his mother die yet and is presumably all over the place emotionally. This is obviously a big loss for him and whatever he says now, your decision will be remembered. If you are committed and think that this is a relationship that will happily go on for a long time into the future, I think you should send them alone. Eighteen is an adult and the others are quite grown up. Many posters on this thread are writing as if they are seven or eight!

But it may feel that straightforward to him very soon.

Absolutely and it's the sort of thing that you might say, 'oh yes please go, I don't want you to change your plans ' but actually desperately hoping that the partner stays and supports you. I'd be heartbroken if my partner did this for a holiday

There is zero chance I'd be sending children to face US immigration alone right now, but I would also want to be with him. I've read your posts, but I don't blame you for feeling conflicted.

Yeah, I agree with this. I'm also surprised.

Let his immediate blood family get on with it. You can offer support down the line as his grieving will be long if this is a sudden death.

Keep you spirits up for your DCs and dont be preoccupied - they deserve your attention, focus and fun right now.

You have been together eight years, I would send the kids and jo8n a day or two later. Having just come back from the states with a 15 and 13 year old they were often sitting apart from us due to last minute flight changes and were fine. With an 18 year old ensuring they end up at the right places they will be fine, they aren’t little kids.

Your partner will appreciate a bit of thought and care right now, even if you head off after a day or so.