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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners mum is going to die tonight but im meant to be taking my kids on holiday tomorrow

433 replies

Allcrisisnocalm · 18/07/2025 22:24

Fuck fuck fuck
my partners mum won’t last the night (totally unexpected)
i want to be with him - he’s 3 hours away
but I’m due to fly tomorrow morning to America with my three kids - first time they’ve been out to see my family there in 9 years - I have no family here other than my kids. Literally due to leave for the airport at 7am tomorrow

I don’t live with my partner so his mum my kids have only met once.

DP was due to join us a week later with his kids

I’ve checked the travel insurance policy with a fine tooth comb (am a lawyer) and defo won’t cover the mum of my partner as we’ve got separate insurance policies
my policy is just for me and my kids rather than a joint policy with partner

I don’t know what to do

I could maybe see if I can push the flights back 24 hours but it looks like it will be another £3k (same cost as original)

or send my 2 youngest with my 18 yr old and join in 24 hours? A huge responsibility for the eldest and im not sure im comfortable with it but could speak to eldest to see what she feels about it
youngest two are 11 and 15 so not babies
they’d be met by family

can’t work out the extra flight cost just for me but I think it will be around £1k , that’s not great but better than £3k but I don’t know if I can send my kids alone

fuck fuck fuck

OP posts:
pinotnow · 19/07/2025 09:42

You seem like a lovely couple who have put your children first, which seems to be quite a rare thing. Blended families create all sorts of issues and you have come across, sadly, a rare issue that not blending can throw up, which is that in a crisis like this one you can't expect the children's significant plans to change due to a life event of someone they don't really know. I think you have made the right choices and I hope you have a lovely holiday with your family, though it will obviously not be the same as you will be thinking of your partner.

Condolences to your partner - it's good he has close family with him now and understands your commitment to your children.

TreatTreat · 19/07/2025 09:43

I hope you're on your way now op and have a fantastic time!

Cherrytree86 · 19/07/2025 09:50

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 19/07/2025 06:09

I’ve just read your update saying she’s passed. So sorry for your loss. I guess this means you got to speak to your partner immediately afterwards.You were there for him at that moment when he reached out which is better than it happening while you’re in the sky.

He needs time now with his immediate family, time to grieve. His trip out to you will be just the tonic for him next week.

You can still be an amazingly supportive partner without being there in person. The level of concern and care you have is obvious. He knows you care. What a difficult situation to find yourself in. Your experience of an unsupportive partner is colouring this situation. You’re very supportive to both him and your children. It’s clear. It’s just a shit situation.

You’re a good mum and a good partner. Enjoy seeing your family and make sure you get a strong coffee this morning.x

Edited

@Theextraordinaryisintheordinary

Get real, its highly unlikely he’ll be going to America to see OP next week

LadyTangerine · 19/07/2025 09:52

Sorry your boyfriend's dm has died. I see you have gone which is good, in situations like this your dc should always come first, no potential flight changing etc just acceptance that is was sadly bad timing but these things often are.

Enjoy your holiday. Don't be texting him non stop, make sure your kids know you are fully into the trip.

AnotherEmma · 19/07/2025 09:52

Allcrisisnocalm · 19/07/2025 02:21

It doesn’t sound like it will be long now unfortunately

haven’t been able to sleep and also haven’t finished packing despite needing to leave at 7am as I just am watching my phone for updates and supporting my partner on text as best I can. Which is hard as I’m a practical hand stroker not a wordy person in situations like this

it’s bringing back memories of sitting with my best friend on a ventilator waiting for brain stem testing and also being in hosp with my mum when she died - now I was totally alone when my mum died and my ex buggered off to work the next day. I am glad DP has his big family there, he isn’t alone. He has a brother there he is extremely close to.

I’ve reflected a lot in the last couple of hours and on these messages. I desperately want to support my partner but he is MY partner not the kids’ family member. My kids have always come first - it is why we did not blend the families or live together as I didn’t think it was in the kids’ best interests. I do fear this might irrevocably change our relationship even if he wants me to go on a logical level he may be hurt deep down but I can’t devastate the kids by cancelling when it’s so remote to them.

The trip is a perhaps not once in a lifetime but certainly once in a decade - I haven’t been able to afford to see my family for 9 years. I have a good job but I’m a single parent household and life is extremely expensive post divorce with a huge mortgage as i bought my ex out of the family home.

I can’t afford to buy another set of flight tickets for four people, I’m still paying these off on a 0% credit card as it is and I have uni fees to pay for coming up.

My partner possibly could pay for the new tickets if he desperately wanted me there - it would still be a lot of money but not as much for him as for me . He’s in a better financial position than me - but he presumably hasn’t suggested it as he wants us to go.

its extended family in the states - aunts uncles and cousins but I’m an only child with both my parents passed so this is a very meaningful trip to me as they are my only blood relatives except the kids. As mentioned people are flying from all over the states to be there for this family reunion, me from UK and others from even further abroad. It’s been planned for over a year.

lots of reasons to go
but it doesn’t make me feel any better about not being with him
i feel horribly heartless

thank you for all the kind messages

You are not heartless at all. You're clearly a very loving and compassionate partner and person.

I hope you managed to finish packing and made the flight!

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 19/07/2025 09:55

I'd ask him if he wants you to stay in UK. Realistically, what would you do if you remained here anyway.

Bryonyberries · 19/07/2025 09:57

If your partner has a close relationship with his siblings I think I would still go. When mum died having my children and brother around me to share memories with was important and most of the decisions around what happens next will need to be made with them.

AnotherEmma · 19/07/2025 09:58

Allcrisisnocalm · 19/07/2025 08:44

We’re on our way.

I just wanted to reply about the “just a boyfriend” comments.

We are absolutely committed life partners but we haven’t blended families as it wouldn’t be best for our kids as one set would need uprooting.

We spend most our time together but move between our respective houses depending on when we have our kids, and ensure we also get alone time with our kids. His are adults but young adults so still need him around. I’m actually really proud of how we put our kids first in our lives, not ourselves. I’ve put the kids first again in going away but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel absolutely horrible I can’t support him.

Those comments were really insensitive IMO.

Sorry for his loss and yours too Flowers

I hope you and your children enjoy the trip in spite of this very sad situation.

safetyfreak · 19/07/2025 10:04

Allcrisisnocalm · 19/07/2025 08:44

We’re on our way.

I just wanted to reply about the “just a boyfriend” comments.

We are absolutely committed life partners but we haven’t blended families as it wouldn’t be best for our kids as one set would need uprooting.

We spend most our time together but move between our respective houses depending on when we have our kids, and ensure we also get alone time with our kids. His are adults but young adults so still need him around. I’m actually really proud of how we put our kids first in our lives, not ourselves. I’ve put the kids first again in going away but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel absolutely horrible I can’t support him.

Oh my, please enjoy your holiday.

The way your relationship set up, yes of course you should put your children first.

I really hope you don't allow this to damper your time with your kids and your family. Your boyfriend may likely join you still.

I am assuming you are an older couple, so a death of an elderly parent is less of a shock?

4forksache · 19/07/2025 10:07

I think you have done the right thing. If there are so many other close people around him, then you’d probably have been a spare part anyway.

Leafycat · 19/07/2025 10:08

You’ve made the right choice OP. Try and enjoy your holiday, your reunion and your children. Your MIL sounds like a nice lady and she’d wouldn’t want you to be sad on such a special trip.

Your DP is well supported, he’ll be ok.

Purplebunnie · 19/07/2025 10:10

So sorry your partners mom has died during the night.

You both sound such lovely people. I hope your partner is okay and that you can enjoy your time in America

Pinkroom · 19/07/2025 10:20

The judgemental undertone is some of these messages is only ever found on mumsnet. Two people have been together for 8 years and have done everything 'by the book' according to mumsnet of not blending their families, yet I assume purely because they aren't married he's just a 'boyfriend' and basically who cares if his mums died, if OP even considers changing her flights she's a terrible parent who will ruin her entire relationship with her children, really?!

OP you sound like a wonderfully supportive committed partner, and sadly this is just one of those times when you cant be in 2 places at once. You can support from afar and still hopefully also enjoy time with your children and family.

cgiwaly · 19/07/2025 10:21

I am sorry to hear that she died during the night.

I think you have done the right thing in going. You really couldn't have let the children go alone to the US with an 18 year old and as you say, this is a once in a decade opportunity to see relatives.

You can support your partner through messages. In my experience of grief, more support is needed once the inital phase ends (up to the funeral). Up to that point everyone is offering help, buzzing around, saying the right things etc. and you're caught up in organizing so it pulls you through. Once the funeral is over, for most people, everything goes back to normal to a certain extent and it's the closest family who are then suddenly left alone with this massive whole in their life.

He'll need you more when you get back from the US then he does right now.

Cherrytree86 · 19/07/2025 10:32

safetyfreak · 19/07/2025 10:04

Oh my, please enjoy your holiday.

The way your relationship set up, yes of course you should put your children first.

I really hope you don't allow this to damper your time with your kids and your family. Your boyfriend may likely join you still.

I am assuming you are an older couple, so a death of an elderly parent is less of a shock?

Show quote history

@safetyfreak

omg, of course it will put a dampener on it for OP! This is her partner of 8 years! While she can enjoy her trip and doing stuff with her kids, and not let it affect how she is with them, inside herself of course she is going to be affected. She can’t just forget and erase from her mind the fact that her beloved partner is in the immediate stages of (unexpected) grief and loss of one of the most important people in his life.

Moveoverdarlin · 19/07/2025 10:34

You’ve done the right thing OP. Try and make the most of this holiday with your children. Keep checking in with your DP but don’t let his sad news dominate the trip.

He has siblings he is close to and there will be a lot of practicalities to sort out his end.

LadyTangerine · 19/07/2025 10:48

'I assume purely because they aren't married he's just a 'boyfriend' and basically who cares if his mums died, if OP even considers changing her flights she's a terrible parent who will ruin her entire relationship with her children, really?!'

She isnt a terrible parent because she put her dc first not her bf who lives 3hrs away and has plenty of support with his adult kids.

It is of course sad but people rarely die at a time that is convenient for everyone so you have to prioritise, which she has.

PluckyChancer · 19/07/2025 11:09

When stuff happens unexpectedly, you get on and deal with it.

When DH’s mum died unexpectedly he immediately flew to where she lived to sort everything out and arrange the funeral etc. on his own as I had a 9 month old DC to look after, which is much easier to do at home where everything is in place.

I flew there a week later to attend the funeral and help sort stuff out. DH was her only living relative so had it all on his shoulders. But he’s an adult and perfectly capable.

It sounds like your DP has siblings and adult children around to help organise stuff so he’ll be fine if you tell him he will. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Swan6 · 19/07/2025 11:20

You sound like a fantastic mum op
I only wish my own parents had taken your view and not blended families .,with the person they got together with after divorce
Being in two step families,was a disaster for me as a child .
It's really sad to hear your partner's mum died
But so encouraging to hear how you are putting your children first .I'm sure your partner knows how much you are thinking of him and supporting him from a far

CoastalCalm · 19/07/2025 11:21

You don’t need to be there , when my dad passed it was me , my brother and my mum there and that felt appropriate

LlynTegid · 19/07/2025 11:29

A thought for all who mourn her death, may your partner's mother rest in peace and her life in time be able to be celebrated.

Hope OP the flight and immigration is as trouble free as possible and you enjoy meeting your relatives.

butterdish93 · 19/07/2025 11:30

Prioritise your family holiday with your children absolutely.

WhyCantISayFork · 19/07/2025 11:37

Sorry for your loss. I think you have made the right decision.

In the kindest way possible, I think you need to try and separate your feelings of abandonment when your parents died with this situation with your DP.

Your husband buggering off to work and leaving you totally alone is not at all the same as you accompanying your kids across the Atlantic and through immigration in the US (especially as things are at the minute) for a year-long planned trip to see your family that you haven’t seen in a decade and that would also cost £££ to change the flights.

Please try to see how very, very different these situations are. Of course your DP said to go ahead with the plans - he is not alone, he has family with him.

I’m sure he appreciates that you wanted to be there - that’s another massive difference in the two situations as well.

Sh291 · 19/07/2025 11:37

At the very least you need to have a conversation with him on the phone or in person and express your desire to be with him at this horrible time. Tell him your completely torn about what to do. Hopefully he will tell you it's okay to go if he has support from family.

TrixieCat · 19/07/2025 11:38

Very late to this and can see you've left and are on your way, but I wanted to say how lovely you sound. It was so clear that you just wanted to do the best you possibly could by everyone and I'm so sorry that you're having to handle all this. The one thing I would say though is that the unexpected passing of your partner's mother should remind all of you that you just never know how long you have with your important people, and your trip to connect with your family, and for your children to connect with them, is also really important. I'm sure your partner knows you well enough after eight years to know you absolutely won't have made this decision lightly and without a lot of upset. Please do try to to enjoy your trip; he'll be ok and so will you xx

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