Partners mum is going to die tonight but im meant to be taking my kids on holiday tomorrow

[Allcrisisnocalm]

Fuck fuck fuck
my partners mum won’t last the night (totally unexpected)
i want to be with him - he’s 3 hours away
but I’m due to fly tomorrow morning to America with my three kids - first time they’ve been out to see my family there in 9 years - I have no family here other than my kids. Literally due to leave for the airport at 7am tomorrow

I don’t live with my partner so his mum my kids have only met once.

DP was due to join us a week later with his kids

I’ve checked the travel insurance policy with a fine tooth comb (am a lawyer) and defo won’t cover the mum of my partner as we’ve got separate insurance policies
my policy is just for me and my kids rather than a joint policy with partner

I don’t know what to do

I could maybe see if I can push the flights back 24 hours but it looks like it will be another £3k (same cost as original)

or send my 2 youngest with my 18 yr old and join in 24 hours? A huge responsibility for the eldest and im not sure im comfortable with it but could speak to eldest to see what she feels about it
youngest two are 11 and 15 so not babies
they’d be met by family

can’t work out the extra flight cost just for me but I think it will be around £1k , that’s not great but better than £3k but I don’t know if I can send my kids alone

fuck fuck fuck

You can't be all things to all people at all times, OP, and I'm sure he respects that you made the correct decision to prioritise your own children.

He is not without support the way you were when your own DM died, so try not to project your own feelings about that onto this situation. They are completely different.

OP, I'm glad you've decided to go on your trip and that your partner encouraged you to go.

Similar story for you. When we knew our mother was dying, my younger brother was due to go on holiday to Europe with his wife and 2 daughters (aged 16 and 12). He decided to stay (he and I kept a 5 day vigil over our mum) and 'sent' (like your partner, he was adamant that they were not missing their holiday) his wife and daughters off on holiday. He has never regretted this decision - he and I were able to ensure mum was not alone when she passed and that was entirely appropriate.

If it was my partner (who I've also been with for 8 years) I'd want to be with him. Moving the flights 24 hours wouldn't do much as he would still be very, very upset and possibly still in shock.

It's one of those situations where you just have to talk and ask him what he wants you to do.

It's horrible thinking about letting your kids down. But at the same time I just know there's no way on earth I could leave my partner on his own if he was losing his mum suddenly. I would want to be there with him every minute of it.

can one of your kids come down with a "vomiting bug" that you can get a sick note from the doctor for? then your insurance will cover the trip, you can all reschedule for another time. A bit unethical, but difficult times call for difficult measures

Setting aside debt that never in a month of Sundays would I a) consider cancelling holiday b) consider sending off my inexperienced long haul kids off on their own…. You’re not close to his kids

and do you think they would appreciate dad’s girlfriend they barely know around when they are grieving?

Just go on the holiday. Its not your mum and the kids should come first.

100 per cent agree with this.

Looking at the practicalities, you should go with your kids as planned and support your partner. He is surrounded by siblings and adult children. Who knows how they will behave with emotions running high. You don't know if making these changes will have any real contribution or whether you will actually just be on the sidelines.

Emotionally, its a different kettle of fish. Only you know how important it is for you to be physically present.

But I think, given the practicalities if your partner is OK with you staying in touch by facetime or phone, then things will be clearer in the next few days.

I know from experience how very difficult these moments can be. The nuclear family came together.. those less closely involved remained firmly in the background.
Given the suddeness of the illness, there will be so much for the siblings to talk through and decide and you will just be on the fringes. Sometimes that is because there can be too many people around. You could support him remotely for the next week... and it will be easier to make your own decisions when your partner and siblings have made their initial decisions.
Also the hospital has twice (for different people) predicted that the person was about to pass on and they lasted between a week and three weeks (not their fault but it just didn't happen when they predicted.)

Sorry you are going through this. Its a hard decision, but I would go with your children and not send them on their own.

sorry. Just seen your update.

Its so good of your partner to say go.. and you should

All the reasons. 9 years gap, reunion etc.. Now that you've made your decision, please dont regret it.. I know its bringing back memories of difficult times, but remember that this is a NEW memory, a very meaningful one that you are making with your children and that is also very important.

Obviously you feel how you feel, but don't let guilt weigh you down.
You know perfectly well that you will be helping your partner when you return... and actually its easier for the bereaved in some ways in the immediate aftermath (in terms of being surrounded by relatives all going through the same experience, planning things etc) its actually afterwards when all the flowers and cards have been sent and you are back to normal life when its hard.. and I think that is when you will be there and really support him.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Please try to put your worries to one side until you return and enjoy your reunion and your lovely children's company as much as you can. Wishing you all the best.

"A bit unethical"?! Insurance fraud is illegal! Not to mention asking the doctor to falsify medical records

I reckon the OP’s kids will be so glad for it just to be them and their mum for the full holiday rather than DP flying out to join.

“sorry kids not going in a few hours on this HUGE holiday that you’ve been looking forward to, all packed up and excited about. Why? I want to be here for my DP when he gets back because his mum has died”

kids: your boyfriend of 8 years who doesn’t live with us? Yes

kid: Was she really young? Well she’s DP’s mum so no

Kids: Is DP all alone? No, with his two siblings and his adult kids

kids: oh

Your kids should always come first so go on holiday with them.

It sounds like your partner has plenty of family members around him already to support him.

You are not married or living together so I would never choose a boyfriend over my kids.

Why?

She has sadly died, it is unlikely the funeral will be in the next two weeks, and even if there is that date can be refused.

We all went away between by FIL V sudden death and his funeral, we booked my MIL on the holiday and it did us all the world of good.

He may not want to come, and that is fine as well, but no one should be rude about anyone's reactions or decisions in grief.

It’s not even adults vs children. Some people have different attitudes to yours re death. If someone’s dying, you can’t do anything. Not every culture treats death the same way as you. HTH.

It’s a difficult situation but you’ve done the right thing by going with your children. Plus he told you to go! I wouldn’t expect him to join you for the second week, he needs to be with his family. Just like you need to be with yours. The funeral is unlikely to have taken place until you get back so you’ll hopefully be by his side for that. And well after, which is when he’ll really need you. Not to be unkind, but people not directly impacted by a death move on pretty quickly after a funeral. You’ll be there for him in the longer days to come. Please don’t feel bad for not being there ‘now’.

'a bit unethical'? I'd call it insurance fraud - quite a lot 'unethical' and probably criminal. Terrible advice.

Go with your kids. Doesn’t sound like this is a very long standing relationship and your kids haven’t seen family for 9 years. I wouldn’t cancel or send my kids alone.

@Inthecafe

ah yes well it’s all worked out well then hasn’t it

🙄

@WordsFailMeYetAgain

OP has been in a relationship with him for 8 years, FFS

Have your holiday, love.

Its not like your DP is all that she has in the World (and that's a good thing) so perhaps You and DCs go, as planned, and if He cannot do Week 2 then at least you and the DCs are already out there so can come Home after the fortnight.

I am sorry for your loss. I wouldn't worry what a bunch of strangers think. We are trying to make arguments to make you go and not feel guilty. I do think your relationship is healthy and I think I did mention that in one of my posts. While you have young children living with you and he still has young adult children it's good to have that distance and boundaries in place. It stops any potential conflicts or unnecessary fall outs.

This is a very balanced view. I hope the op reads this and enjoys these moments with her children and family. My daughter left home last year and I still say I wish I did that or enjoyed her more when she was younger. They grow up so fast.

I do think the emotional manipulation on this thread trying to guilt trip the op into staying was wild reading it all. One poster said she would leave their partner. I feel sorry for their husbands they must know their place.

OP I’m curious why you think he would expect you to disappoint your kids and delay the trip? It sounds like he does not want you to do this so why do you keep going round in circles worrying this is going to irrevocably change your relationship? I’m not saying this is 100% the case, but is there a part of you that wants him to want you there?

I would still fly tomorrow. My dad died last year. My husband came to say goodbye - he’s known and loved him for 15 years. Other family members came and then me and my sister stayed with him for 20 hours until the end. Then we went back to our family home and stayed there the night together. I personally didn’t need or want my husband to actually be there with me. He was my dad and I wanted it to just be me and my sister. If we had been due to go away I would have expected him to take the children and I would have joined them later.

Good Lord.