Ever Grieving SIL

[meatsandcheeses]

OK, prepared to be flamed, but my SILs dad died 10 years ago and yet, it's almost daily but definitely weekly, she's posting her grief on Facebook, he much she's missing him, how grief is so silent and misunderstood. And jesus how that escalates for father's day, his birthday, the day he died, the day they found out he was ill, Christmas, Easter, her kids birthdays, her birthday, the neighbour five doors down birthday. At what point is this just attention seeking? It drives me mad, I've gone so far as to silence her because I can't bear the "hope you're OK hun" stuff.

I used to get on with her well, but she's always driven me mad by text and socials.

No it doesn't sound very much like I like her. I did, at one time, but this behaviour has absolutely trashed my opinion of her. She even got in competition with a relative of hers raising money for charity, because she had to be the one seen to be doing it and wouldn't collaborate.

Am I just mean spirited?

Could SIL be lonely? Or experienced other forms of grief since the death of her dad?

I have found that people who lose someone but dont have many family or friends, or have experiences multiple traumas since, e.g. divorce, assaults, job loss etc can have their trauma manifest as grief.

I think SIL needs some counselling and someone to talk to

@meatsandcheeses you didn't answer when asked if she has a partner or other close family, and if so, what they think of these posts and her wellbeing. Is she your spouse's sister or your sibling's wife? What do they think?

So, I know some people who do this and it does not feel performative and attention seeking. And I know a couple of people who post about lost husbands or parents where it does. So it is not the posting, per se, its the tone, frequency and the underlying attitude which takes it over the top.

I have noticed people without children grieve the loss of their parents much more than those who are focusing on the next generation, this obviously doesn't apply to everyone and is only from my relatively small sample selection!

Nope. This is bullshit.

Its not even having it on SM that is the issue - I know several people who post and it seems reasonable and appropriate - the two I am thinking about are posting about the death of very young children and its fine - lovely actually. And I have other FB friends who post about lost husbands and parents and it is also a lovely remembrance.

But I also see people (who I usually end up blocking) where it is clearly performative and it is not unfair or unreasonable to be put off by it. My cousin posts about my mothers death every fucking year. Its totally performative and the term grief thief is the perfect term for her - its like its harder for her than anyone else and that almost pushes our loss out of the picture.

The recent debate about whether 5 weeks off work for grief following the death of an eldery parent is excessive... quite clearly if you are literally unable to return to work after using up compassionate leave and annual leave entitlement you are going through more than grief, it is something akin to a "breakdown". It's not a case of "poor dear, her mum died and she really loved her mum", it's not about how much or little you loved or loathed the person who has died but, rather, her mother's death has triggered a profound mental unravelling. It goes beyond "just" grief and so "Pull yourself together" is just not going to cut it in this situation and statutory sick leave will have to kick in until the person can hold it together and get through the day. There is a lifetime of history that plays into the adult grief surrounding the death of a parent. Moreover, for many people the death of a parent with dementia is hard because there is an enormous amount of conscious and unconscious guilt in the mix as well as a slow-burning and festering grief that has been going on for years but has to be held at bay, only to rupture and swamp you when the parent finally dies. If this is not how it has affected you, you can feel grateful for that at least.

You’d know how to spell it, you’re full of the stuff.

Does she get a lot of attention/sympathetic responses from her posts or is every one 🙄 about the posts?

Sounds like my ex mil. Every single day there’s a new post about her mum who passed 5 years ago. Either that or a post about how much she loves her daughter. Tbh it’s at least one of each a day some days up to 3 or 4 a day. I just skim past it now and pay it no mind.

I lost my Dad but when he died I didn’t post on Facebook as I didn’t want expressions of sympathy from people who didn’t know him and who barely knew me - the attention I got at the funeral nearly sent me running for the hills but we are all different. However, this is such attention seeking behaviour - a bit like the people who post ‘OMG I’m in an ambulance’ and then everyone comments and they reply ‘I’ll DM you’. There’s nothing you can do but your reaction is valid. It’s been 13 years since my Dad died and thinking of him simply makes me smile, there will always be the lingering sadness but the memory of him gives me great comfort and I feel lucky to have had him as my Dad.

she may have borderline personality disorder. It has many different presentations but generally feeling emotions at extreme heightened levels and attachments being abnormally intense as well as black and white thinking like everything is either good or terrible are part of it.

I lost my 7 year old son 3 years ago and there are days where I share photos and comment how much I miss him. Yet I lost my daughter 16 years ago and I find it hard sharing her outside of birthdays, anniversaries etc. I have known people become so consumed by grief that it becomes their identity and sometimes it’s the only way they feel heard. I don’t know your situation so I wouldn’t like to comment but if she is like this in real life I would suggest therapy if it’s only a facebook posting thing I would also suggest therapy because there must be something off if her whole identity is grieving her father. I get grief I really do I mean I’m still a mess and it’s physically destroyed me but it’s the public way she is plying for attention that makes me question her motive.

I had a cousin who grieved Iike this after her partner died. He had cancer and surgery to remove the cancer and died unexpectedly due to post surgical complications. Even though he was sick he shouldn’t have died so she was inconsolable. But in the months and years after she just couldn’t get over it. It wasn’t just posting throwback photos to social media - she had set up a shrine at her home. It went beyond a cry for attention - she wasn’t well mentally. She wouldn’t work and her parents had to financially support her. I think she was incapable of processing her grief.

Her behaviour wasn’t heathy but I’m not going to tell anyone how to grieve.

I know of someone else whose daughter and husband have both died in the last five years. She is in her 60’s or 70’s and she posts a lot to social media about how she misses her only child and her husband. Every birthday or anniversary or any time her grandchildren pass a milestone.

Her daughter died after a very common injury. No one expected her death. One moment she was fine, the next moment she wasn’t breathing.

I think her posting to social media is just a place to put her grief.

Some people never recover after a death of a loved one. It breaks them.

I can understand somebody still grieving after all that time but her behaviour sounds more like attention-seeking and it would seriously get on my nerves. My elderly mum took her own life 6 months ago and I haven’t felt the need to mention it even once on social media.

Her behaviour wasn’t heathy but I’m not going to tell anyone how to grieve

If a relative of mine was doing this, I'd talk to them about it, say that I'm worried that she's still in a bad way, and encourage her to get grief counselling or contact one of the bereavement charities for support.

I don't believe that that is "telling someone how to grieve". It's expressing concern and trying to help them have a happier life.

I know someone like this. It's attention seeking behaviour. Ignore it and let the equally fake friends comment 'thinking of you hun'.

No she doesn't have wandering womb.

I have a friend who is like this, and to be honest I just feel sorry for her. It stops just short of annoying me though.

I guess you just have to pity someone who is completely unable to move past their grief like that.

I think there is a lack of emotional intelligence involved here, too. The fact is, being mawkishly obsessed with grief is not really a comfortable experience for others around you. They dont know the roght way to behave, what to say, like you're expressing. So constantly sharing the grief like that is awkward for everyone.

I've got two people in my life who can't move on. Another is obsessed with her ex husband, who is admit is the most toxic narcissist. But its hard to hear every single disappointment in life, every resentment, being his fault seven years later.

What makes you uncomfortable?

Its a bit sad that we tell people to talk about how they are feeling and share things then say - only in a way that I want you to do it. Not like that just how I think is ok and if not then shut up.

Stigma is so alive and kicking.

Wow. I don't think you need to worry about your children 'embarrassing' you by grieving, if this is how you move through the world.

I’ve got one who only posts on special occasions unless she is single then it’s back to weekly posts!
(not dad but husband) it’s been 16 years they were together 4/5 years. Only got married as he was dieing. Better for benefits etc. definitely would not have stayed together if he had lived.

Depends how close you were to a parent really doesn't it? Just because you could pick yourself up in a week doesn't mean everyone feels the same way. And it obviously wasn't excessive since she came back earlier and tried your way and obviously couldn't cope because it was too soon. And PP implying she was somehow trying to game the system-no words! Because everyone can't wait for a parent to die so we can get an extra couple weeks off work obviously!

Reverse the story. Tell her how worried you are about her and how much she’s struggling with her grief. Suggest she seeks professional help as it’s not healthy for her to still be grieving so much after such a long time. I’m a daddy’s girl and will be devastated when my father dies but I hope I’ll have moved on in my life after 10years! Whenever she mentions it to you just lay it on thick that it’s not normal ;-)

I think many of us know people like this on SM, and I just roll my eyes at them and scroll on.

The people who always post "Happy heavenly birthday X person" as if the person is sitting, in the grave, waiting for the messages on FB to pour in. I know it's callous and I'm not a sentimental person, but I don't truly see the point of any of it. The person the message is "for" is dead so they can't read it, so if not for attention, why? And before anyone harangues me for my lack of compassion-I'm not a sentimental person. Facts are facts.

I don't know. I feel like some people use SM the way people used to use journals and diaries and they should bring those back.

Of course, grief isn't a linear experience and everyone grieves at different rates/depths etc. It's perfectly normal, I think, to be thinking about deceased loved ones years after they pass. I think it would be more unusual if they never crossed your mind again.

However, I think there's a difference between people just grieving and people using their "grief" to garner attention from people, and because it's related to grief, it's nigh on impossible to call them out on it.

In the end, it's her SM profile and she can use it as she wishes. Mute her account and move forward. If this behaviour isn't limited to SM, I'd be tempted to involve DH or her other family/friends to see if she needs support.

But I do think a lot of people who post like that are simply attention seeking. I'm not saying their grief isn't genuine, but I'm saying that their motivation for constantly posting about it isn't genuine. They know it garners them attention and sympathy and so they use it any opportunity they can.

How sad that you hope to have forgotten your dad after 10 years and never miss him.

It is normal to miss people years after. It is called trauma. Trauma can last as long as it lasts. Shocking you have a time limit on it.

People talk about childhood trauma lasting years but if trauma happens in adulthood then nope sorry gotta shut up about it because people don't like it.