Ever Grieving SIL

[meatsandcheeses]

OK, prepared to be flamed, but my SILs dad died 10 years ago and yet, it's almost daily but definitely weekly, she's posting her grief on Facebook, he much she's missing him, how grief is so silent and misunderstood. And jesus how that escalates for father's day, his birthday, the day he died, the day they found out he was ill, Christmas, Easter, her kids birthdays, her birthday, the neighbour five doors down birthday. At what point is this just attention seeking? It drives me mad, I've gone so far as to silence her because I can't bear the "hope you're OK hun" stuff.

I used to get on with her well, but she's always driven me mad by text and socials.

No it doesn't sound very much like I like her. I did, at one time, but this behaviour has absolutely trashed my opinion of her. She even got in competition with a relative of hers raising money for charity, because she had to be the one seen to be doing it and wouldn't collaborate.

Am I just mean spirited?

Grief hits everyone differently, I couldn't imagine feeling anything but empathy for someone grieving. If I was bothered by this I'd probably reflect on what it triggers in me.

Social media means different things to different people. For some, it is their main interaction with their wider network of friends and family. A forum for people they know and love. When they post things like your SIL posts, it seems to me they are saying "Hi family and friends, this (the loss) hurts, please care about the fact that it hurts".

For other people it's more like a scrapbook or diary, and they use it to catalogue their own thoughts and experiences for themselves mostly.

There is, of course, also the use of social media for attention and likes, and a bereavement gives them a way to get this.

I would assume that people have a mix of these things going on rather than being purely one type or another. In any case, it's fine for her to post, and it's fine for it to irk you and cause you to mute her.

It’s nearly twice that since my parent died and I still have moments. I don’t share that on social media like FB, but I’m sharing it on this social media just as you’re sharing your feelings on this social media.

I work with dying people and so meet a lot of grieving people and my perspective on ppl who post online about their grief really shifted when someone explained to me that there’s a big difference in how extraverts and introverts grieve. I see that in FB posts now.

My cousin is like this. It's ridiculous. Her sister laughs at her. She's a competitive griever at funerals.

I had to delete someone on fb who seemed to be performance grieving about 20 people; her parents, her grandparents (she’s in her late 50s so her grandparents died a long time ago), her husbands parents, friends, neighbours, ex colleagues. If the person has died and she met them, she goes on about them on FB. Every fucking day it was some grief anniversary or other. She also regularly posts photos of herself crying.

I have every sympathy for people who are grieving and I agree there is absolutely no time limit on grief. However I have no sympathy for performance grieving.

I’ve just remembered about a girl I knew years ago, we’ve lost contact now. She was really upset on the anniversary of a grandparents death and I sat listening and talking to her about it and saying how they had all these lovely memories and that kind of thing. She mentioned it was the 25th anniversary, we were only 20. I was comforting her over someone she hadn’t actually met.

This.

This.

For a couple of years after my DH died l posted in memoriam in my local newspaper on the anniversary of his death. Didn’t matter that he couldn’t read it. And it certainly wasn’t to ‘impress’ family, friends, or anyone else for that matter. Neither was it performative. It was for me. My way of communicating to him, wherever he is now, that he was still a part of my life, still loved, not forgotten and still very much missed.

When you lose a loved one, with each passing year there is a sense of leaving them behind. This was my way of communicating that he will always be part of me. I guess it’s something that others can’t or won’t understand until it happens to them.

I know someone who is like this about their dog. It died years ago.

I posted a memoriam notice for a couple of years after my DH died. It was for me. My way of letting him know that wherever he was now, he wasn’t forgotten - that l hadn’t left him behind and that while l still have my memories of him, still picture his face and still have his voice in my head, he will never really be gone.

Attention seeking . I have a friend who does the same . I just scroll on by

Agree. By its very nature grief is a lonely process and l think many people use SM to reach out and let people know they are struggling. I’m shocked by the lack of tolerance here for those who are grieving. I guess it’s something that something you can’t fully understand until it happens to you.

When l lost my DH l found a grief support group online and l can honesty say that it was what got me through the first couple of years. l think in that respect targeted SM can be enormously helpful.

I did briefly wonder if your SIL was my SIL… no you aren’t being unreasonable. DH has massively reduced contact with his sister due to her competitive grief/need to be the only one truly mourning their parent. It is narcissistic.

It sounds like she’s stuck in her grief, it’s become part of her identity. Counselling could help her move on. But all you can do is ignore it.
Do you need to use the same sm as her? Can you mute her and the people who comment? You can always look on their pages if you are interested.

Ouch! I get why you posted this response, because the poster was very rude, but if you're going to call someone illiterate then you have to double check you've spelled the word correctly 🤣

To be posting on Facebook or messaging OP almost every day about the father she lost ten years ago, absolutely does indicate that a grief disorder is likely.

I do wish we could bring back the British stiff upper lip!
All of us, from childhood onwards have known we will lose parents (if we are lucky and don't shuffle off before them!) but the volume of older adults that seem to view their parents dying in their 80's and upwards as a tragedy shocks me.
I had a colleague in her late 50's who's mother died in her late 80's, she was bed bound, had dementia and lived in a nursing home, she didn't even recognise my colleague at that point.
My colleague took 2 weeks bereavement leave and a week of annual leave and had three weeks off in total, the day she came back she was sobbing in reception to the point she was sent home and then got a sick note for another 2 weeks off. The cynic in me thinks she played the game well.
I will get slated for saying this but here goes...I have noticed people without children grieve the loss of their parents much more than those who are focusing on the next generation, this obviously doesn't apply to everyone and is only from my relatively small sample selection!
Personally if I am lucky enough to make it to my 80's I would be embarrassed from the grave if my children (who would be late 50's) behaved like my death was a great tragedy, I would hope that they continued to live life to the fullest with barely a passing thought for me!
*edited for spelling.

And rightly so. Losing a child goes against the natural order of things. Most parents, if asked what their greatest fear was, would say losing a child. I can't even imagine how people get over this and carry on with their lives.

Losing a parent when you are a child is different. I imagine that grief could be life-long in those circumstances as the child's life would be changed forever.

Losing an elderly parent, if that is what happened to OP's SIL, is sad but surely not unexpected and after 10 years one would hope that she had moved on from active grief to acceptance.

I assumed that was a deliberate mis-spelling!

She’s obviously now ‘unwell’ and needs grief counselling but you are also mean spirited. It doesn’t have to be an either or!

It's been 10 years, not six months though. If OP has said that OP's SIL's dad died six months ago, the responses would be very different.

I was like your colleague when I lost my mum who was 97 and similarly ill. I can’t believe the absolute callousness of your post. It wasn’t a tragedy, if course it wasn’t but it was huge for me. Fortunately there was nobody in my life thinking I should just “pull myself together”. The next generation also grieved, my son adored my mum. You’re conflating normal and expected grief with the situation described in the OP. They’re completely different.

Its attention seeking because she posts it publicly. Whether it's genuine grief or not is another discussion.