Ever Grieving SIL

[meatsandcheeses]

OK, prepared to be flamed, but my SILs dad died 10 years ago and yet, it's almost daily but definitely weekly, she's posting her grief on Facebook, he much she's missing him, how grief is so silent and misunderstood. And jesus how that escalates for father's day, his birthday, the day he died, the day they found out he was ill, Christmas, Easter, her kids birthdays, her birthday, the neighbour five doors down birthday. At what point is this just attention seeking? It drives me mad, I've gone so far as to silence her because I can't bear the "hope you're OK hun" stuff.

I used to get on with her well, but she's always driven me mad by text and socials.

No it doesn't sound very much like I like her. I did, at one time, but this behaviour has absolutely trashed my opinion of her. She even got in competition with a relative of hers raising money for charity, because she had to be the one seen to be doing it and wouldn't collaborate.

Am I just mean spirited?

Has she had any support?

But if it’s mainly on FB then it’s not actually grief?
And it distorts what grief actually is. Which can then negatively impact other people when trying to process their own, very normal grief in a healthy way.

Thinking particularly of young people who may be experiencing loss for the first time. Seeing this level of ‘grief’ played out on social media so long after a bereavement can create unrealistic expectations of themselves and others about what normal grief is.

I’d have more sympathy with someone who had lost a spouse or a child and who was still struggling to put their lives back together years later, but losing our parents is part of the natural cycle of life. I would get fed up of seeing that too OP.

Death of parents is the natural order of things, so it is a bit ott

I have muted 2 close relatives on fb for the last few months for this exact reason, and the fact they post about deeply personal issues in excrutiating detail every. f. day! The mention of long dead relatives (15 years ago, and who they were NC with when they were alive) and linking these posts to the younger generation (who no longer use their old fb) feels just like performance grieving for likes to give them an endorphin rush 🙄

People handle things differently. Maybe letting it all out on social media is how she handles it best.

It's very easy to hide someone for a period of time on FB. If it's negatively impacting them, they can do something about it.

Of course we all grieve differently but honestly it sounds like she has made grieving her dad her entire personality. I lost my amazing mum last year so I'm speaking from a position of empathy.

I think I might come across a bit like this - my BIL who was also a very close friend (introduced him to my sister, they were engaged when he died) died very young and yes I was very distraught. But I didn't bang on about it, other than to my husband.

I am not performatively portraying grief. But I don't think going on and on about his death helps anyone

I don't blame you OP.
The posts about this... makes you feel as if you have to respond. Yet these are people who never even acknowledged the losses I've had and the one picture in all these years I posted, because I found it by accident. I am tired of seeing pictures of their parents during the war etc.

I miss my dad all the time but I can’t imagine wanting to broadcast it like that. His birthday was the same week as Father’s Day so the years when Father’s Day falls on his birthday are hard. And had to go and bloody die on Christmas Eve, of course, so Christmas is not my favourite, but it doesn’t mean I don’t try! And I most definitely don’t mention it to anyone else!

Maybe I’m cruel too, lost my dad tragically as a teen and so many close relatives along the way. I don’t have the tolerance for nonsense like this either

I get it.

I don't have SM, but two of my children have died, they died 27 and 18 years ago now, and I miss them and think about them every day, birthdays, anniversary, christmas etc are particularly difficult, there's noone around who knew them anymore so it is a lonely place to be.

If I had SM I may well post on there, just to be able to talk about my children and get some support.

If it bothers you then just mute her, that won't make you a bad person, I can see how you would find it irritating, but that doesn't mean she's doing anything wrong.

I genuinely miss him every day, especially when playing with my nephew (sister was pregnant when he died) who is so like him. It's been ten years and although I wouldn't put it on SM I miss him so much

Does she have actual support ie not a few comments on a social media platform but actual support? Maybe she desperately wants to talk about and remember him but doesn't have much of an outlet to do so.

My DH (aged nearly 71) lost his mum about 10 years ago, I lost both of my parents within 9 months of each other in 2020. DH & me often talk of our parents, but we've accepted that they're gone & that's it.

I think after 10 years it's high time that your SIL should have got over her loss. My only suggestion is that she gets some counselling. If the doesn't feel a need for this, then the only thing you can do is say that you have every sympathy, but people die & life moves on.

There’s a wealth of academic work on loss, bereavement and grief. It’s important that we din’t lose sight of what is ‘normal’ and what or who needs specialist support and input.

Honestly. I don't think any of us have the right to decide who's grief is worthy or how anyone should deal with it. Grief comes from love. If significant dates are hard for her and it helps for her parent to be remembered in this way then I think a little kindness wouldn't hurt too much. If its genuinely too irritating just skip past.

Either her grief is still troubling her, or something else is.

I think a bit of compassion wouldn't hurt, even if just from a distance.

Mute her on SM to stop reading the messages, as that's not helping you.

I’d be eye rolling too.

My friend’s dad died 11 years ago. And yes, I know this only because of the performative grieving she does on social media.

She wishes him a happy heavenly birthday/christmas/Father’s Day/anniversary ad nauseam. It’s ridiculous.

I think there's no statute of limitations on grief, but I also think that it can be performative in nature. The only way I have ever found to get around someone who constantly....constantly posts about a bereavement after years is to comment something in the nature of 'I really hope you are having some therapy/counselling to help you.' Every single time. It shows that you understand it is hard for them but that you're getting a bit tired of hearing about it without sounding too tetchy or dismissive.

I was just thinking the same about a FB friend whose elderly mother died about 10 years ago too. She’s constantly posting, anniversary of finding out she was ill, day she went into hospital etc as well as the usual Mother’s Day, Christmas etc. I do wonder if she needs some professional help. I get it if it’s a partner or children who died before their time but an elderly parent dying is to be expected.

Now that you've written it out and got some responses... what do you want from this thread OP? You said you were prepared to be flamed but also you wrote the post in a way that you knew people would also agree with you that this is excessive/draining/unreasonable etc. It's fine and understandable for you to mute now. But would you like to actually try to talk to her about addressing this? Maybe you don't and that's fine. But you wrote it down, you posted, is there something you ideally want/need from this thread?

While I totally get and sympathise with grief, I don’t get or sympathise with public attention-seeking for it. Grief for someone you love dearly is never-ending but private, and including others in it is pointless and a bit gross, IMO. I’d steer clear of her as much as possible. I do think she needs expert help mind…

Including the fact that there isn't a set time when someone is expected to 'get over it'.

No one knows if SIL needs specialist support and input simply based off of FB posts.

I lost my Dad nearly two years ago, I don’t think there’s a second of the day that I’m not thinking about him, I don’t think that’ll ever change. Just unfollow her on social media.