Ever Grieving SIL

[meatsandcheeses]

OK, prepared to be flamed, but my SILs dad died 10 years ago and yet, it's almost daily but definitely weekly, she's posting her grief on Facebook, he much she's missing him, how grief is so silent and misunderstood. And jesus how that escalates for father's day, his birthday, the day he died, the day they found out he was ill, Christmas, Easter, her kids birthdays, her birthday, the neighbour five doors down birthday. At what point is this just attention seeking? It drives me mad, I've gone so far as to silence her because I can't bear the "hope you're OK hun" stuff.

I used to get on with her well, but she's always driven me mad by text and socials.

No it doesn't sound very much like I like her. I did, at one time, but this behaviour has absolutely trashed my opinion of her. She even got in competition with a relative of hers raising money for charity, because she had to be the one seen to be doing it and wouldn't collaborate.

Am I just mean spirited?

So much nastiness on this thread.

You're not a better person for choosing to grieve privately or for experiencing a different level of distress.

It's completely normal in many cultures to have a family shrine for deceased loved ones at home and to continue honouring their memory as part of daily life - because it's also completely and normal to recognise that your relationship with someone continues after they die.

It is toxic to suggest that people have to forget their loved one ever existed - or behave like they never existed - for your comfort and convenience. That expectation is exactly what causes people to become stuck or to need to pay for a professional counsellor because their community is too emotionally stunted to support them the way humans should support each other.

It is healthy to incorporate people we loved and lost into our ongoing lives. Someone doesn't cease to be important to us just because they're dead - that's why our landscape around the world is marked by memorials to people who have died. Why our parks are filled with benches carrying memorial plaques, why we have memorial ceremonies, charitable funds in memory of people, buildings and statues in memory of people, people on the news for fundraising in memory of someone, etc etc etc. Is all of that "performative shit" too?

Is it "performative shit" to care for someone's grave? To buy beautiful flowers on their birthday or any other reason? To build and maintain a memorial for victims of a tragedy? To continue holding Remembrance Sunday services so many years after the world wars? To construct a memorial park for a deceased elderly monarch?

The whole point of graves is that they are a public and visible memorial intended to persist for as many years as possible. By some of the callous logic on this thread they should all be bulldozed.

I am sorry @FeetLikeFlippers

Literally no one has suggested that.

But there is grief which is expressed publically and there is grief which is performative. And if you are around it, its really clear.

100% this! Agree with every single thing said here.

There’s definitely a middle ground between frequent ‘woe is me’ posts and forgetting someone. I think I’ll stick with the middle ground. Feel free to let your grief be all consuming but I’m afraid my compassion fatigue will definitely set in

At least it's her actual dad, not like the people who jump on the grief bandwagon and just have to post every time there's a tragic news story "my child is the same age I keep imagining it happening to them" or "I hugged my kids tighter tonight"-which they can't just do privately, they have to tell us all about it. Your kid is fine, it didn't happen to you/them. Talk about making someone else's tragedy all about yourself.

I’ve got a friend who does this…
Annoys me because when we did something together once she revealed how unhappy she was, how selfish he was & how he wouldn’t do nice things for their kids despite knowing his time was ltd.. For example I suggested he wrote the kids letters to open on special occasions - did a video telling son how to shave.. that sort of thing.. nope… not a chance he’d do anything like that!… sad….
She was miserable but couldn’t leave because he was terminal… that sort of thing…
Anyway naturally when he was very poorly, then subsequently passed she was constantly posting about him being her soulmate, best father in the world etc… fine…
After years of posts I unfollowed her. Or I’d just click on the ‘care’ emoji without reading!
For me grief should be personal, no need to broadcast it on social media.

She was really unhappy with the father of her children who treated her and her son badly. She was miserable but had to go into denial in order to stick with him as he was terminally sick and needs to maintain the fantasy for her child who lost his dad. Fair dos to unfollow but get some empathy.

No one is suggesting people shouldn’t grieve or that there is a time limit..
but there’s no need to constantly post about it. Which is the point… no need to advertise how sad you are.

Oh I had plenty of empathy… but since her children were 4, 4 & 5 they couldn’t see the daily posts… so they weren’t for the children’s benefit.. But yes sympathy was given for years…… but a decade later … really no need to still post regularly,

Look, it's mumsnet. Everyone is allowed to behave like a needy loon for years on end and you are only allowed to say you support them regardless of how utterly annoying or weird they actually are.

She does, of course, sound rather batshit and like she needs therapy. Whether she is actually grieving or just attention seeking or has a personality disorder or something else going on is just speculation.

Her behaviour is far, far out of the norm. I would have simply blocked her years ago, I can see why it annoys you, but really it's just best to avoid people who behave in a batshit fashion, if you can. You will probably never get to the bottom of the reasons.

I mean, she's allowed to behave like a loony and you are allowed to avoid, that would be my solution.

"I mean, she's allowed to behave like a loony and you are allowed to avoid, that would be my solution."

I feel the same. There's nothing you can (or should) do about how she chooses to behave. All you can do is choose how to respond or not. Personally I find the extended public grieving negative and manipulative so I would pleasantly ignore it. Those who wish to respond can and will.

She won't stop doing this. Just remove yourself from it.

Grief can be an intensely lonely thing, and sometimes people feel the urge to share their grief "excessively" because they need to feel that they are not alone in missing the person who is gone.
However, people need to be mindful that they are not the only person affected by somebody's death, and that those people may feel that you are taking up more bandwidth than is your right.
Also, as grief is inherently lonely, there is no point in making yourself even more lonely by alienating yourself with public displays of grief.
I should add here that I am autistic, and always conscious that I might get things wrong at these times. So my personal rule is to take up as little space as possible.

Why does there have to be? For it to be socially acceptable with the norms that we have created and make people feel silenced and unable to talk when they are struggling?

I thought we had got to a point where talking about feelings was being encouraged not discouraged.

By all means tell people to shut up and someone will do the same when you reach breaking point and they say - don't want to hear it, you have talked too long on this subject so it is time to be quiet'.

This is why people struggle mentally because talking is discouraged and everyone must do the same and comply or else be labelled. Those not talking are still struggling but just silently because they are told to be quiet and suffer alone.

I’m sure she misses her dad , however, people with prolonged grief , or grief disorder do not throw it all up on social media , that , combined with the fact that she has gotten into competition with her relative , as to who could raise the most money for charity really suggests to me she is an attention seeker ….

Sounds like she needs some grief counselling OP. Could you gently suggest?

Obviously she needs counselling to get over this. If she gets on your nerves just avoid her for a while. But I think getting over this obsession needs to come from her. I don't think she'll appreciate suggestions and advice even if they are correct and well meaning.

She didn't say that she hoped that she would have forgotten her dad after 10 years. She said that she hopes that she will have moved on so that she isn't still in the depths of grief.

If OP's SIL is still suffering from trauma from the death of her elderly father 10 years after his death, she should seek professional help.

My next DN is like this. Her DH died seven years ago .
She always includes his name on Christmas cards etc.
She has told me several times that when her elderly dog dies then she will go too.
She says she's also told her family about her wishes.
It makes me feel very uncomfortable.
I am a very new widow

I had a good relationship with my parents, but I had moved hundreds of miles away and would only see them about every six weeks. When they died (three years apart) of course I was sad and grieved for them when they died, but I was used to not seeing them all the time and I think a part of me had already said goodbye when I moved away.

I wonder if this made it easier for me to come to terms with losing them?

They died 38 and 35 years ago so I can't really say that I miss them now, but I feel nostalgic for the happy childhood they provided us. I think of them fairly often, but not all the time.

I can't remember how I felt ten years after each parent died though, and I never post about them on SM.

And if she is then that is normal as grief doesnt leave you and trauma is normal.

Nope you dont need to seek professional help for long term grief. You can if you want but you dont need to.

You might need it for the day after for short term grief. You can seek help the day after or not at all. Length of grief doesn't indicate the need for help.

Also moving on is never about the grieving person it is about you, the one who says it. So you hope she has moved on for your benefit not hers. Moving on means 'shut up' and grieve in silence and most do to comply with demands from others.

I still grieve for my Mum who passed 20 years ago but I have never posted about it (until now). It sounds like she wants attention.

My DSIS posts about her fiancé every year (even now she's married and raising the child she was pregnant with when her fiancé died together with her now H). But it's two posts a year. His birthday and the anniversary of his death.

I know she still misses him (as do I) but it's been ten years and I would find it weird if she was posting every week.

I agree that long term grief is normal and fine. I don't think I will ever stop grieving the two best friends I lost too young.

It's the performative element that people are rightly raising eyebrows at

Years down the line a few posts on key dates seems reasonable. But posts every few days is wildly unhealthy

Surely they are all performative as they are all about getting attention no matter how often you post?