Ever Grieving SIL

[meatsandcheeses]

OK, prepared to be flamed, but my SILs dad died 10 years ago and yet, it's almost daily but definitely weekly, she's posting her grief on Facebook, he much she's missing him, how grief is so silent and misunderstood. And jesus how that escalates for father's day, his birthday, the day he died, the day they found out he was ill, Christmas, Easter, her kids birthdays, her birthday, the neighbour five doors down birthday. At what point is this just attention seeking? It drives me mad, I've gone so far as to silence her because I can't bear the "hope you're OK hun" stuff.

I used to get on with her well, but she's always driven me mad by text and socials.

No it doesn't sound very much like I like her. I did, at one time, but this behaviour has absolutely trashed my opinion of her. She even got in competition with a relative of hers raising money for charity, because she had to be the one seen to be doing it and wouldn't collaborate.

Am I just mean spirited?

I'm really sorry to hear that. It must be so hard. I would want to talk about them too. Love and hugs ❤🌹 xxxx

We call that a grief thief - even a vague relationship generates an outpour on social media from our friend. Also have a SIL who cannot get over her parents death after many years but she completely dismissed the death of my parent a few years before.

It would not bother me. One priest constantly post his wife from when they married. She died later on in life, from old age illness not at a young age. He misses her and she is the love of his life.

I just sigh and keep scrolling, he has valuable posts to me so why would I be bothered what HE thinks of HIS wife.

A miserable little thread. It doesn’t affect you in any way op, and you can easily mute. It’s definitely you who needs to get over yourself.

It's not the grief that's the issue - some people do suffer for many years, we know. But why does everything have to go on social media? I think that's the point here. To most people, grief is a private and personal thing. So, in the old days, I never understood why people put long, sentimental messages in newspapers on the anniversary of a death. It's not as if the deceased could read it, so it must have been somehow to "impress" other family and friends? Who knows? But the social media performative stuff is the modern version, whereas many of us would absolutely never want to make our feelings public for all to see.

Sorry for your loss, but it will change. I lost my dad 38 years ago and I think of him with fondness and nostalgia, not grief or sadness.

It takes time, but it will happen 💐

Two stories

Mine. I lost my grandfather. Was far closer to him my whole life than I was to my parents. A huge issue for my mother (his daughter) as she hated me for it and i think of him every day. I never talk about it on social media and rarely irl as its private. I dont think I will ever stop grieving him, I cry and miss him all the time.

My cousins lost their father last year. He was my fathers older brother and best friend. Father talks about him sometimes but in private. Cousins posted on his birthday and fathers day. They didnt make one of their sons graduations about him (I am so sad that Grandad wasnt here for it) or ones daughter moving abroad (Oh grandad would have been so proud) etc.

Sounds performative and would irritate me.

I am aware of prolonged grief but ime that manifests in a far more personal and MH level. It doesnt present as a need to post on SM.

Frankly it sounds like the grief version of someone checking in at A&E and then "Will PM you hun".

Yanbu. Grief may never go away, but that does not mean we all want to read about it 50x per year on Facebook. I have lost loved ones, I just don’t write about my grief online. But of course SIL can post whatever she likes … so I would just mute her. Easiest and friendly solution.

When I receive direct messages on the matter, how doss it not affect me? I lived through the diagnosis, demise and death, but I'm at a point that it is just so gratuitous and I'm expected to play the ongoing "you OK hun" role. I've never been one to mince my words, yet the best I can muster at this stage is leaving on "read".

She is the epitome of a grief thief to be fair. My grandad died, that she'd met twice, and my god did she make a song and dance.

Why should people suffer for many years in silence if they don't want to? If posting about it helps then they should go ahead, it's their social media and they can share what they like. Again, it is super easy to mute someone if you don't want to see what they are posting.

As you said, it's personal. Some people will prefer to be private about it but others don't, neither are wrong because there's no wrong way to grieve.

This has just reminded me.....

I posted about my fathers older brother above, and when he passed a member of the "drama llama" branch of the family posted about it on facebook before one of his own grandchildren knew.

Its what they do and it disgusts me.

Genuine question, have you ever lost someone extremely close to you? Answer sincerely.

I dont find any benefit for me to post outpouring of grief on Facebook. However everyone is different and others do.

Worse case scenario it is for attention, then I sympathise with her for that too. Either way she is not doing any harm and struggling so give her a break.

My mum suffered from complicated grief after my father died. A friend told me recently that she been gobsmacked that he’d died ten years before she met us as the way my mum spoke about it she’d first knew us made it seem like he’d died that year.

Nobody could suffer like she did. We ended up cut off from his family as she couldn’t accept they were suffering too. She never thought about counselling for me as she thought I was too young to be upset and would never accept I’d had a traumatic childhood as a result of what happened. Nor would she ever consider that her behaviour had any impact on me.

I have no advice but I do feel the behaviour is selfish to some extent. I think people can build their whole identity around their grief and, in a way, not want to change this and that is their choice.

Oh wow! I could tell you some stories about death and Facebook. Brothers ex girlfriend announced his death within minutes of finding out. Close family hadn’t even been told. Obscene photos added to Facebook. She disgusts me.

You see I agree with Ernest Hemingway so posting little reminders of my sister who died (aged 31), thirty years ago is my way of keeping her memory alive.

Obviously her children will remember bits of her after I have died but she died when they were 6 and 4 so don't have real memories of who she was as a person. My BIL, her husband died 12 years after she did so he won't be able to remember her. My mum and dad are dead too. So all those people most affected by her death ( excluding her children) who actually knew her well are almost all gone

When I and my other sister have died, there will be very few people left who even know who she was. Until I die, I want to go on remembering her to keep here with us just a bit longer Not every day or anything but at key times and I want to share that memory. For me it is not grief in the sense that I am saying look how much I lost but more my sister was brilliant and I don't want ther memory of who she was as person to fade completely just yet. Despite it being 30 years since she died .

Other than every single one of my grandparents through the covid era? One of which I remain heartbroken about but manage to love with all my heart without posting about it on Facebook?

I get why it grates but rather than dislike for her surely a more normal reaction would be sadness, empathy, pity even. But distain? Stop looking and block her from your timeline you nosey crow.

hope ur ok hen.

My sil lost her husband 3 years ago
..and he's become a saint, not the drunken bum who emotionally abused hervand spunked all their money away. Not the twat who made no effort to see his mum for 10 years but gladly emptied her house of anything valuable before his sister moved her into care.
The same woman who made a joke about her widowed mother getting a boyfriend and then got upset when her brother suggested she go on grinder( he meant tinder but it was funnier). Yes I don't like her.
Why .... Here's one example she booked the same church as us to get married an hour later than us...

Losing a grandparent is not the equivalent of losing a parent, sorry OP it just isn’t. And I say that as someone who has lost both a beloved parent and grandparents. What age was her dad when he died? As life goes on I think of everything my parent missed that they should have seen and maybe she is processing that online.
She expresses grief and love differently than you. I wouldn’t post this sort of stuff on SM regularly either, but she’s harming no one and writing to express emotions can be really helpful to process.

It isn't a disorder at all to suffer years down the line. What that label does is make the OP more comfortable and saying her grief has a time limit and we want you to shut up.

Quite. There IS a hierarchy of loss. Losing a child, losing a parent, losing a grandparent… your individual relationship with these figures in your life may vary but symbolically we all know and understand the hierarchy of loss and those expectations play a huge role in grief. If your SIL tried to make your grandfather's death all about her then that’s a reason to totally disengage. But don’t kid yourself that your stoic response to your grandparent dying should be an example to someone else who’s not even your sibling about how they should be grieving for their parent.