Ever Grieving SIL

[meatsandcheeses]

OK, prepared to be flamed, but my SILs dad died 10 years ago and yet, it's almost daily but definitely weekly, she's posting her grief on Facebook, he much she's missing him, how grief is so silent and misunderstood. And jesus how that escalates for father's day, his birthday, the day he died, the day they found out he was ill, Christmas, Easter, her kids birthdays, her birthday, the neighbour five doors down birthday. At what point is this just attention seeking? It drives me mad, I've gone so far as to silence her because I can't bear the "hope you're OK hun" stuff.

I used to get on with her well, but she's always driven me mad by text and socials.

No it doesn't sound very much like I like her. I did, at one time, but this behaviour has absolutely trashed my opinion of her. She even got in competition with a relative of hers raising money for charity, because she had to be the one seen to be doing it and wouldn't collaborate.

Am I just mean spirited?

Possibly one of the most callous posts here. My mum is 94, has battled breast cancer and is now in the last stages of dementia. We are caring for her at home because she’s part of our lives. The fact that she’s elderly, and dementia has taken most of her away from me slowly over the last couple of years doesn’t change the fact that she’s my mum. It will be a personal tragedy when she passes and l will grieve. The fact that I’ve known all my adult life that l will one day lose my parents makes no difference to the loss l felt when my dad passed, or the grief l will feel for my mum.

l feel very sorry for your colleague. Five weeks is no time at all when you’re grieving and your cynical view that she was playing some sort of game feeds into your attitude that it’s no surprise when elderly relatives die, so they’re not worthy of the loss we feel when they do. That’s quite shocking.

I don’t think you are mean spirited.

It seems your SIL might actually enjoy being a victim of bereavement grief. And has come to expect your sympathy. It has become the established pattern of your relationship with her (and her sm audience) and now she can’t stop. She’s addicted to the understanding and kindness.
She can’t stop. But you can.

You could gently withdraw even more by nit responding ….or even have a proper chat about how ingrained her reliance on empathy from others has become a habit and how you would now like to move on from it as it’s affecting your own well-being and mood. After all, it’s been ten years.
She might stop and think a bit if she hears your perspective on it and then be able to reflect, - with a new, fresh understanding.
Or it could be that she needs bereavement counselling if she’s stuck in her grief for some other reason.

You aren’t her therapist so do what’s right for you OP. Be kind yes, but not to your detriment continually.
Keep yourself as well and as happy as you can be.
Life is hard enough without dwelling on this old problem any longer.

Oh the irony !

You are not being unreasonable.

To me, this extended public grieving is an emotionally manipulative device to gain attention.
I have known a small handful of people throughout the years who have behaved similarly.
Just scroll past on SM and politely breeze over any attempts to bring it to the fore otherwise. If other people want to indulge it, they can.

Nor me. I lost my DH and a grandchild, which ripped my world apart both times, but this performative grieving, after years, is just attention seeking.🤷‍♀️

I guess it boils down to how she is in real life. If she appears to be ‘stuck’ in the normal day to day stuff, she might have complicated grief and need counselling. If this only manifests itself on social media and results in lots of comments and likes, I think that’s a different problem. And like others have said, I’d probably be doing a bit of an eye roll too.

I lost my mum suddenly a few years ago and it was like my world shattered. I definitely documented some of my feelings on social media around ‘firsts’ in the first year of grief but as my heart began to stitch itself back together, it just didn’t feel necessary any more. I miss her so much and think about her every day but after 5 years, I don’t feel like I’m ‘grieving’, if that makes sense.

I have another relative who lost her husband (at a very young age) and she’s done the same, shared some of her difficult days as well as some of the things she’s conquered. I enjoy reading the posts and for her it’s obviously a kind of therapy. She’s been through so much and I think her posts will inspire others too.

I think if we were all posting constantly 10+ years on, it defo indicates something is ‘off’. Either the person is ‘stuck’ and needs help or they’re just seeking attention.

So your issue isn’t her grief.
It’s the fact you feel one should be grieving in private, however hard it is.
And I’m wondering if there isn’t part of you who wonders why she should get all that support but you don’t .

I think you muting her was an excellent idea.
i also think that even though your description of her FB posts are excessive posting, your SIL might well not be posting as much as that (even though it feels like this to you). I’m thinking that because people carry on commenting positively to her posts and after 10 years of posting as much as you say, they would have got bored too.

Are you ungrateful or emotionally stunted? (Which was your question)
No I dint think so. But I feel your reaction is probably more tge expression of your own grief, and how you relate to that. You probably BOTH need grief counselling.

So sorry @Rosscameasdoody. Having walked in your shoes, I know how hard this is. 💐

I would ignore posts entirely, but if you have a close enough relationship with her, perhaps you could have a chat with her in private about how people are worried that she has not recovered in a healthy way. You could suggest that a grief counsellor is a much more proactive way to cope with the death of a loved one than getting on FB where your feelings have the potential to become fodder for other people’s gossip.

All social media is ''attention seeking'' to a certain extent.

Even this thread.

If she really is posting about it that frequently then it’s either attention seeking or she needs help.

She obviously finds it comforting to express her self on social media, which you don't have to look at

It doesn't sound like this is impacting family get togethers at all eg she's not crying at the Christmas dinner table or refusing to go to things etc , so it needn't impact you at all

You're being really mean
Perhaps jealous that someone is open with their feelings and can be that honest online?

There is a function where you could hide that you read a text on some apps.

You can be annoyed/irritated as much as you want but it is up to you how to manage it. You cannot change her and you have to simply accept that for your own peace. She can use her social media however she wants just like you can. You have choices in this if you actually use them and stop allowing it to get to you.

You’ve muted her. Great.

You can keep scrolling and hide whatever people post about her and change the subject among friends when they mention her in person.

You can delete her texts if it comes up after finding the function to hide people seeing you read their messages (think most apps have them, may be under privacy or notifications).

You're a nasty piece of work. In response to your first comment, yes you are emotionally impaired.

Not mean spirited. She sounds hard work and annoying. My dad died a similar length of time ago and l don't go on about it all the time

Nope it doesn't. It just means that someone like you thinks their behaviour should be the same as yours and that everyone should mourn in the same way. When people say they miss someone on a birthday it is ok to you but they should be quiet all other times is what you mean and suffer in silence. We say talk about our feelings and then when people do it makes others uncomfortable and they say shut up. That is the only thing you want from labelling her. You want her to stop posting in Facebook because of your discomfort not hers. You want her to suffer in silence and never speak about it because you are uncomfortable.

The label is for your benefit not hers. If you label her then she cannot express how she feels. She'd be silenced because you want that. It wont change how she feels.

Imagine telling someone they shouldn't miss their dead family members as it had been too long. Say that out loud to a parent who's kid has died and you'll get an interesting reaction and one that is deserved.

People forced to stay silent when they are struggling and not allowed to use their own coping strategies.

When someone says 'move on' it is never for the person suffering it is about the person who is saying it and their comfort.

Labels are made up the disorder doesn't exist.

It sounds like she needs therapy.

My dad died unexpectedly 8 years ago, and I'd still say that not a day goes by when I don't think of him for some reason or another. The first few years I'd make posts about him for things like fathers day, his birthday, his anniversary. But I haven't made any post about him from probably 3-4 years now.
No, actually, I didn't mention him in a post back in October, on what would have been his 70th birthday. But only because we, ENTIRELY accidentally, ended up having a family meal on that date. It was completely accidentally. I'd just bought a new house, and it was the first weekend day that everyone was free to come round for a little housewarming meal.
Mum didn't mention it, probably not wanting to detract from "my day", but it was only when we were mid-meal, someone went, "Oh yeah, dad would've been 70 today!"

I expect I'll make a post in 2027 for his 10-year anniversary. It will also be his and mums 50th wedding anniversary earlier in that year, so I might mention him then.

I do have an old work colleague, who is probably 60, who lost her very elderly mum to dementia perhaps 5 years ago. This mum was probably mid-90s. But this work colleague posts at least once a month about her mum.
I do think it's a bit silly, but I figure people can post what they like on their own social media. And if you don't like it, mute them.

Nope, could not be arsed with this at all, it's not even within the same ballpark as normal and of course she can carry on like this if she wants, and other people can avoid it. I'd avoid her like the plague.

Nasty, hardly. I was called a nosey crow, I replied on kind.

10 YEARS!

My Mum dies 5 years ago. I think of her often, but I'd never post on FB. Also, her passing has made me appreciate that you should live life well, and that means not moping, grabbing all opportunities for nice holidays etc, retiring early. Your SIL sounds like she's stuck in a hamster wheel. What a waste of what time she has left.

That post wasn't callous at all. Parents die. 5 weeks off work for an elderly parent who was in a care home, is excessive.

It was extremely callous and could only be seen as not being so by someone who has never experienced a similar loss. It took me a lot longer than five weeks to recalibrate after my mum died.

How bizarre to make such an assumption. My own mother is dead. I had to look after her for months when she was dying. In the middle of Covid. No "staying at home" for me. Had to travel to her house, 6 hours away and look after her and my Dad who is an utter buffoon. Endless health professionals in and out of the house when we should have been isolating. Had to leave my family at home.

I'm still now caring for my Dad, albeit from afar. It's endless, the amount of admin required to keep him safe and comfortable.

No one is saying it takes less than 5 weeks to get over a parent dying. I am saying that 5 weeks off work is excessive.

Then you really should know better @Blondestripedlassie, you don’t even have the excuse of ignorance.