To be fed up of my boring partner?

[Username0900]

Totally prepared to be flamed by saying this but that's what an anonymous forum is for. AIBU to just be fed up of how boring my partner is??

I'll start off by saying by no means am I adventurous but we've got 1 life and it should be at least enjoyed a little.
My DP just seems to have no interest in doing anything, he doesn't drink, fair enough so that's pubs/clubs out of the equation, he's overweight so hardly ever wants to eat out as he's on a diet constantly. He doesn't enjoy the socialising that comes with us having a 6 year old so he doesn't come to the park/library/play dates even when I ask. He likes football but doesn't enjoy watching it in person or at the pub. He won't go to a concert/music event.

We actually do nothing together and I dont know if I am being unreasonable for being fed up or if he should make more effort. We have nothing in common but im willing to compromise, I'd go to a football match or I'd love him to come to a music event, he doesn't have to love it, it would just be spending that time together.

I have to almost beg him for a day out to the seaside because there are always reasons why he doesn't want to do something. Yet if I do ever do something without having asking he sulks as to why he wasn't invited. I don't miss out because I end up doing these things with friends, but honestly we've been together 7 years and if I have to endure this forever what is the point!?

From what you’ve said he sounds selfish. He thinks of no one else, only what he wants to do personally, he hasn’t stepped up to having a family. Zero quality time spent with his child or family. Does he take care of DD, does he have any redeeming features at all? Explain to him that the lack of quality family time and plans together is a deal breaker and that life is too short to live like this. You’ll become depressed yourself living like this. Could he be seeing someone else and he’s hoping you’ll dump him?

I don't think you're being unreasonable.
I've been with my boyfriend 5 years, he's pretty much the same.
We've been to two comedy events, and that's it. And that's only because I got the tickets.
We literally just watch TV, and it's always what he puts on.
He works hard, I understand that, but I don't feel like we're a normal couple at all, and it's at the point I'm questioning whether he's just embarrassed to be seen with me.

Surely he was like this before you got married?? The signs are usually there! It sounds like you’re wanting an outgoing, social active, fun partner…so why on earth did you marry him? It’s very unlikely he was all these things and then suddenly changed in seven years to the complete opposite???

I can understand the pub thing-even younger ones don't do the pub and club thing as much now-and a lot of us over thirties would feel weird doing it now (no shade on anyone who likes it!), and even the meal-if I was trying to be healthy, I wouldn't want my partner pushing me to do this, but that doesn't mean you should do nothing. I'd try to have a deep, honest chat (can your kid go to a grandparent's so you can really focus), and tell him you're worried. Is he depressed? Sick (some people get like this due to hormone issues)? Concerned about money? Say you really love him and don't want to break up your daughter's home, but that you want to do some things. Have a list of suggestions-join a family fit club, if he wants to be healthy? Padel at the park? Family walking of a friend's dog at different places? Cooking course together? Family martial arts? You know what you might fancy and what's available free/cheaply/whatever suits your income, which is none of anyone's business, in your area. Ask if he feels he needs to see a doctor, or counsellor.

My first thought is that he might be depressed or maybe have a physical medical problem. Maybe a visit to the doctor before you start talking about making changes?

Being with someone like that can make you feel more lonely than actually being alone. At least if you were a single parent you could plan things to do with the kids or night out with the girls. My exDH was totally not interested in doing anything remotely family orientated, like trips to the beach, walks in the park, cycle rides, museum visits etc. I honestly felt like a single parent.
That, on top of other things was the reason we split.
Far happier now.

It’s unlikely he’s going to magically transform into a different person so you either accept him as he is or leave him I’m afraid.

That sounds exceedingly dull and stifling.

Have you actually sat down and talked to him about it?

Doesn't he care that his child will observe that he's not bothered about going on days out or to sociable things with her? 😔

Doesn't he care that he's not suggested an outing for the two of you in the past year?! 😔

Is he depressed?? If he is, he needs to go to the GP and get help.

If he's just a homebody fair enough BUT he has a partner and a child, so he can't live like a boring hermit without it affecting his loved ones. He's being selfish. He's not even doing a teeny tiny bit of thinking of his family is he.

Do you think he would be open to some sessions of couple's counselling?

"He doesn't enjoy the socialising that comes with us having a 6 year old so he doesn't come to the park/library/play dates even when I ask"

Not sure how you can stop someone being boring but this goes a bit beyond being boring, he is not being a very good father

@zanahoria I agree!

Their poor dd. 😔

Have some grace … “ there but for the grace of god go I “ my grandmother(read in an Irish accent ) had a great saying “ there’s none more pious than a reformed hoor”

He sounds depressed, that’s not normal

He is always on a diet so he can’t eat out, he goes to the gym

But he is still overweight

He doesn’t actually want to do anything and if he did lose some weight his excuses wouldn’t hold water so he constantly undermines everything

Believe me when I say you need to go your separate ways
As you say you have one life live it well.

I was married to someone like that. Not interested in doing anything. I divorced her.

Are you just having a bad day? If not and you generally go around being nasty and trying to make people feel bad then try to reflect on it..
It won't make you happy in the long run, and people will pick up on it and dislike you.

You get one life. And within reason, if it's not suiting you, you need to change it, and do it sooner rather than later. It sounds like you would be happier with you and your DC doing different things alone or with others than have someone constantly put the blockers on anything or everything suggested. Just because your partner has got some qualities (and we get some horrors on here with no redeeming attributes) that does not mean that you cannot "outgrow" a relationship, and want different things - you need to think about how to call it a day - fairly, with consideration to all involved. It's so hard to rock the boat when things are OK, but boring, but if the chats do not work (and it is worth having them), it sounds like you have really tried to make it work - please take action. I think this is a harder situation that many face, because it is SO easy to do nothing, but from a whole-life-pov, it is so necessary. Wishing you strength xx

@TheSilentSister I agree - it’s like all the downsides of marriage which can get a bit Groundhog Day for anyone- but none of the upsides of family/couple dynamic like trips out, meals out, holidays, etc -

This is shocking. This man’s world is pathetically small.

Don’t let him do the same to yours. Leave.

If he is yoyo dieting maybe he is depressed. I think you need to sit down with him and explain you are unhappy and that if he doesn't pull his finger out you'll leave. Get him to explain why he behaves as he does..I was in a very similar situation. I warned.my husband that I was unhappy. He didn't change. But he wouldn't break up with me either. I felt bad and wondered if he just couldnt help it. In the end I left......and he met someone else and had 3 kids with her within about 7 years..I think some people are just very lacking in motivation.

@Username0900 Most men, that age and older, are boring. That's the consequence of being used as society's punchbag for decades; you don't want to socialise anymore and you simply isolate yourself from everyone else.

The solution here may be to socialise with your own friends. Is that an option? Your friends can be for friendship, and your partner's role can be someone to build your life with.

This sounds exactly like my husband and our relationship. I've weighed up the pros and cons if we separated. The pros slightly outweigh the cons to stay. Our two kids are teenagers now and are very happy (their happiness comes first) and I enjoy the three of us going out (it no longer bothers me if I look like a single mum). I have 8 years left on our mortgage (love my home right now) plus my partner pays for our annual overseas holiday ( where I still book sightseeing tours without him). Your partner is not a bad person but boring, this also can be described as homely, reliable, dependable and predictable - trates i would still look for in a partner if starting again, just would add 'fun' to the list 😊

I left an ex for this and never regretted it for a second. No children together though so an easier decision than yours. All he wanted to do was work, nap and watch TV and I could feel myself slowly dying inside. My now-DH and I aren’t party animals or anything but we go for walks, meals, coffee, bingo, cinema, bowling, and occasionally a bigger thing like an escape room or a lodge for the night. I couldn’t be with someone so disengaged with his one precious life and I’d worry that your DC will see his lethargy as normal.

Helpful!

My husband isn’t quite as bad as yours - we usually get a holiday (organised by me) and meet up with friends maybe 4 times a year for a meal. But he is scared stiff of spending money so we don’t do anything fun. He doesn’t need o worry about money, just loves to see savings building up. I am 71 now, I would recommend you get a new life while still young enough.

Are you good friends?
Can you find common interest, I don't know, folk dancing? Good exercise, fun, meet friends. Or go carting, I don't know, the point is do it together.
Also do you even fancy him?