To be fed up of my boring partner?

[Username0900]

Totally prepared to be flamed by saying this but that's what an anonymous forum is for. AIBU to just be fed up of how boring my partner is??

I'll start off by saying by no means am I adventurous but we've got 1 life and it should be at least enjoyed a little.
My DP just seems to have no interest in doing anything, he doesn't drink, fair enough so that's pubs/clubs out of the equation, he's overweight so hardly ever wants to eat out as he's on a diet constantly. He doesn't enjoy the socialising that comes with us having a 6 year old so he doesn't come to the park/library/play dates even when I ask. He likes football but doesn't enjoy watching it in person or at the pub. He won't go to a concert/music event.

We actually do nothing together and I dont know if I am being unreasonable for being fed up or if he should make more effort. We have nothing in common but im willing to compromise, I'd go to a football match or I'd love him to come to a music event, he doesn't have to love it, it would just be spending that time together.

I have to almost beg him for a day out to the seaside because there are always reasons why he doesn't want to do something. Yet if I do ever do something without having asking he sulks as to why he wasn't invited. I don't miss out because I end up doing these things with friends, but honestly we've been together 7 years and if I have to endure this forever what is the point!?

Are you married op or do you own a house together? Will it be relatively straightforward to leave him asap or will it take a bit of time?

Regardless you need to leave him, he won’t get any better, be happy with your dd and friends

I agree most of his reasons are excuses - especially with not wanting to do anything child related. I'm sure most of us don't enjoy every aspect of 'child socialising' but we do it for our children. Sounds like he's checked out of parenting because he knows you'll do it

It really doesn’t sound like you are getting anything out of this relationship. What is keeping you with him?

Agree with this, he knows OP will pick up the shortfall. And OP, your DD is old enough now to be learning that her dad doesn’t care about her enough to put himself out to do so much as build a sandcastle with her at the beach, or listen to her jabber about her favourite book at the library. Even if your relationship is dead in the water and you want to make steps towards leaving (which I know isn’t easy and has many moving parts), you need to frankly ask him if that’s the sort of dad he wants to be and the memories he wants his daughter to have.

ETA: what is his own parents’ relationship like, and how was his childhood? Is he modelling himself on his childhood experiences, and can buck up his ideas once he realises he’s failing, or is he a total lost cause?

Not drinking doesn’t mean that pubs and clubs are out of the equation. I often drive if I go to the pub during to location, I drink alcohol free drinks or soft drinks

Yes, I can understand why you feel bored and frustrated but please be careful what you wish for.
I'm not underestimating how you feel but I think an open and honest conversation is required.
Small steps.
Hopefully this stands a chance.
Take care OP

Agree with all of this. A lot of it sounds like excuses for not going out at all. He might prefer that, but its miserable for you and absolutely rubbish for your child, and frankly not good enough.

Although you weren't in a couple long before being parents you knew him for a long time before was he always like this? Could he be depressed? It sounds a lot of excuses I don't drink and am forever on diets I had dinner out tonight and go to pub regularly there's no reason he couldn't do those things

Not spending time with his child and giving his child life experiences is a real fault. He needs to take his child to the library and the park.

Preferring the gym and tv as leisure activities doesn’t make him boring. He just has different preferences to yours.

Disagree with the last part. Bet poor DD finds it very boring indeed that her Dad chooses to sit at home watching TV rather than go with them to the park or the library or the beach, and I bet she finds it pretty boring that they never go on holiday, or to the pub for Sunday lunch. And I bet she’s going to find it even more boring the older she gets.

If he was single and child-free, then fine. He’s not.

My ex partners was like this. We were together for 7.5 long years. Despite all of his promises, he never changed. Looking back i should have never asked him to, we are all different. He just liked to sit at home and watch tv weekend in and weekend out. Thats all ge ever did apart from go to work. It really is no life for me.

I don’t blame you at all for feeling this way, OP! He needs a serious boot up the backside.
Just to play devil’s advocate though, how is his mental health? Any chance he could be depressed? He certainly seems to be shutting himself away from the world.

The not wanting to go abroad and having no interest in it would be the deal breaker for me.

^^ 100% this - not spending quality time with his family is one thing

having different leisure activities is a total none issue

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him OP. Explain he is failing his child as a father and also that you are not willing to spend the rest of your life like this. See if he wishes to try to change his ways and if not discuss how to separate. Perhaps when he realises what is at risk he will make more of an effort. If not, at least you did everything you could.

TV is not a hobby . He sounds depressed and very depressing to be around . Other than a man who is mean with money , I can't think of anything worse than a boring one . If not for you , do it for your daughter . The initial shake up will be disruptive but the lifting of him as a burden will be so exhilarating. And you are young enough still to have a relationship if you want one. But if you still do have feelings for him then I think he deserves to know how you feel about it and be given the chance to try to make an effort to change . It is an ultimatum and his response will tell you which way to go .

OP, I had a partner like this. He had a personality transplant when we had DD. He refused to go anywhere. If he did he sulked and refused to talk so we’d end up going back home as it was just awful.

He stopped drinking and frowned on me if I fancied a drink. No holidays - he didn’t see the point. No meet ups with friends. Just sitting on the sofa watching the tv or playing on his phone.

He never did anything around the house. He never put DD to bed. Never read her a story. It was horrendous. It got worse and worse.

He wouldn’t speak to me for days on end - he’d answer a question but offer zero conversation. He would speak to anyone who came to the house completely normally and then revert to type once they’d gone. He wasn’t depressed. He was just miserable and refusing to engage with me.

I asked him to leave when DD was 3 and he hadn’t spoken to me for 6 weeks. There was no way I wanted my life to be spent tip toeing around a sulky man and I didn’t want DD to think it was normal behaviour.

He dragged his heels but finally left after 3 days. I breathed a sigh of relief. He took his black cloud with him and I now have a happy, sociable home with DD.

I’d cut your losses. Go and live your life. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Depression and anxiety are what spring to my mind OP. A lot of men get PND. Men don't talk about their feelings.
Another thing that popped into my head was that he might have used alcohol in the past as a social crutch to navigate all those social situations before you had your DC. I personally found it really hard when pregnant not being able to drink. I realised my whole adult life I had been using alcohol to get through situations where I was feeling really socially anxious. Obviously that was a recipe for disaster sometimes As you can imagine.

Another thought I had is that if your DP is overweight like you say he may be struggling with his self esteem. I say this as someone who has been overweight and felt like I didn't want to go anywhere.
You really need to have a proper heart to heart with him and get to the crux of the problem and tell him exactly how you feel. If you've been putting up with it all this time he probably thinks he can just carry on as he is.
All these things said, when I've been struggling in the past I've still managed to do everything for my kids. What is he like around the house? Is he pulling he weight with other things?

Judgey and rude!

It seems quite obvious you dont like him, let along love him. So why stay together?

Did you get together or were you friends that shagged and got pregnant? If so are you basically friends with a kid? Has there ever been a romance?

Not remotely.