To feel traumatised that ex wanted to give me 'one last nice week'

[LorettaYoung]

By this I mean we spent an amazing week together ahead of the break up and a month later during the break up I queried how we'd just had an amazing time together and he said 'I wanted to give you one last nice week together'.

I think back on that week. How he stocked up his fridge with all my favourite things. Also sexually he'd always been very vanilla and not wanting to try new things, but suddenly he said he wanted to do those things that week. Which we did. I keep thinking about those moments and how vulnerable I was and angry that he was plotting the break up the whole time.

I remember we watched a movie where the lead guy is making the break up long and drawn out, and he said 'well maybe it's ok to not say goodbye immediately sometimes.' I remember thinking WTF.

I feel like he treated me like a dog that was about to get down and feel it is almost a sadistic way to behave? Am I wrong?

Jesus you poor thing he sounds completely psychotic. I'm glad you're shot of him.

I'd be raging too - but I'd thank my lucky stars that I'd escaped from a patronising shit who obviously thinks the sun shines out of his arse and you should be grateful for his presence.

Don't waste another second thinking about him. His shit behaviour is on him, not you.

It’s short term extreme sort of “gaslighting” his actions tell you one thing then he pulls the plug.

Horrific! I would be incredibly upset too. He isn’t god to give you one last great week before you die of terminal illness.

What a bizarre controlling thing to do - maybe he fancies the idea of you begging him to come back to you... frankly I'd run a mile from that sort of behaviour its sadistic.

What a horrible man. People will tell you you are better off without him and you will see this one day. It might not feel like it just now though! What was his reason?

YANBU. I bet he's utterly convinced that he's a 'nice guy' and that he was being chivalrous.

Absolutely unhinged behaviour. You are well shot of him.

Second the thoughts that this is very controlling and psychotic behavior. Block him and tell everyone what he did to you.

What a lucky escape you’ve had. Utterly gross and pathetic.

An ex of mine did a very similar thing. You are well shut of him.

I don't know about traumatised and psychotic, he just seems like a dick and it is an upsetting way to end things, which adds to the heartbreak. If it helps you to get over it faster by feeling anger then that's good, but don't cast yourself as being traumatised in any damaged way. Better to take it that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, the guy was a twat who you're well rid of and move on to much better things unburdened.

That is honestly awful. Especially the sex part 🤢 I’d be livid.

What an absolute dickhead! I wonder if he thinks you’d be grateful? ‘Well, it didn’t work out, but he wasn’t bad in the end…’ Totally awful behaviour, but some men are just bizarre to be frank.

You were an experiment that last week. He tried those new sex things with you, knowing full well that he was going to ditch you.
Psycho behaviour.

I think you and PP are making too much of it, would you have rathered he treated you badly? At least it ended on a good note. The sex thing is a bit odd though.

This is such a common pattern of behaviour. A feeble attempt at trying to come out of what's often a nasty breakup (often involving another woman) whilst still smelling of roses.

FWIW I don't see how using deception in order to get someone to have sex with you isn't illegal.

Also to add - some guys have a really odd thing about not wanting to be thought badly of, so they're terrible at ending things in a respectful and honest way. Some wriggle out of ever ending it officially or lie through their teeth to make it seem like it's not on them. It feels like your ex had some really twisted thinking around trying to 'be the best' while ending it and it of course backfired because you're a human being and deserve to be treated much better. But again, this is all on him and the more you can run free and not look back, the sooner this will all fade into 'wtf' memory.

Nah. I agree that if I had to choose this or the sudden cold callousness that some men employ with partners they’re leaving, I’d prefer this. But it’s not much of a choice, is it? It’s manipulative, dishonest and humiliating.

It’s not too much to expect empathy and honesty when a relationship ends.

You're well rid. All he's done is confirm that he was being a bastard on purpose because he does know how he should have treated you and chose not to.

Oh OP that’s bloody awful, I’m so sorry. I feel like it’s a way for him to diminish your self esteem as part of the break up… horrific. It says more about him than it does about you.

FWIW, I had similar. My ex pressured me into sex before an event we were going to. I was in a massive rush and wasn’t keen at all but did it. He broke up with me about 3 hours later out of the blue, and when I asked why the heck he pressured me for sex he said he wanted to “try it one last time to see if he still had feelings, but he didn’t”.

He also brought me a load of sex toys in the weeks before, we used them together… all his idea…and when I queried this too he said it was because he “knew I would be alone and wanted to help me”.

Men are f*cked.

Well, he's demonstrated beyond all doubt that he was perfectly capable of making "more effort" during his relationship with you... he just chose not to, until he decided it was worth doing just out of spite.

What a fucking nut job! Well rid OP.

I’m guess the OP would have rather he ended things when he realised he wanted out, rather than string it out for longer than necessary.

I could possibly see it as a misguided attempt to do a nice thing but for the sex stuff, where I can make a guess at the sort of things you'd have been doing for the first time with him, thinking it was part of a sage dynamic where he was as all in as you were, and now realise he was planning to leave all along.

That's the bit that I don't think can be misguided. That's fucking exploitative.

I think all this was to ease his own guilt rather than trying to fuck you up mentally. But I can see why it has. He got the sex thing very very wrong.

I’d be schooling him about how fucked up that was. At least leave him with some shame.

YANBU at all. He led you on and gave mixed messages. You have every right to be angry about that.