To feel traumatised that ex wanted to give me 'one last nice week'

[LorettaYoung]

By this I mean we spent an amazing week together ahead of the break up and a month later during the break up I queried how we'd just had an amazing time together and he said 'I wanted to give you one last nice week together'.

I think back on that week. How he stocked up his fridge with all my favourite things. Also sexually he'd always been very vanilla and not wanting to try new things, but suddenly he said he wanted to do those things that week. Which we did. I keep thinking about those moments and how vulnerable I was and angry that he was plotting the break up the whole time.

I remember we watched a movie where the lead guy is making the break up long and drawn out, and he said 'well maybe it's ok to not say goodbye immediately sometimes.' I remember thinking WTF.

I feel like he treated me like a dog that was about to get down and feel it is almost a sadistic way to behave? Am I wrong?

What a prick. I'm so sorry. That is truly despicable.

@Aria2015 Shocking - that's a few OPs now told stories similar to mine.

It's so nice these men giving themselves one last hurrah whereas the women are left in the dark and for me I thought our amazing week together just prove how strong we were together!

He's unhinged.

I was about to say maybe he was nice to you as he let go of resentments as he was relieved that the bad bits would end soon so he just enjoyed the good side of things. But you make it clear he very consciously knew what he was doing.

I think he wanted one last week for himself to enjoy - yuk. Please block him .

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I agree he has issues. He mentioned mental health issues at the start of the relationship but never went in depth. I should've asked more questions.

The thing is if there were bad bits I didn't know what they were? He never brought anything up with me at all. The worst part is he thinks he was doing me a good turn, giving me one last week with the man I love before pulling the plug. I would have opted to NOT spend that week with him if I'd known. Playing nice with my parents the weeks before. It's so hurtful.

Look, forget him. Stop going over it in your head because there's nothing complicated to work out. It's very simple and it's got nothing to do with YOU. He's defective in his relations with other people and that's it. You should be glad to be shot of him. He's got something wrong with him..

He was treating you like a dog that was about to be euthanised.

What an ignorant comment. You don't choose to be traumatised and the OP does sound traumatised.

Oh that sounds really difficult. If it's any consolation, I think most people have more integrity.

This is what I meant, of the two I'd rather they were nice about it. Obviously the best thing would be if he dumped you starufht away rather than dragging it out. Seriously don't waste any more time thinking about it, move on

I know people mean well when they say 'move on' but it isn't that easy.

Out of my adult relationships I thought this was the one. I loved him with all my heart and we had a plan for our future - he was the one that brought up having kids together just a month before the break up.

Then suddenly he decides 'actually no'. I know anyone has the right to change their mind at any time but I'll never understand it. And to pretend and treat me like a euthanised dog. I'm heartbroken. I see friends marrying and moving in with partners and feel back to square one. I didn't want to be here.

I can relate. I once had a very intense 3 week(!) relationship that took about 6 months to get over. It’s the brain trying to make sense of it and wanting some sort of logical explanation for closure.

I think journaling is great for this. Keep dumping it all out of your brain rather than carrying it. It helps the processing.

I'm so sorry OP, this is devastating.
It might be a gloomy consolation to read 'Falling' by Elizabeth Jane Howard which has a similar episode involving a weekend at the Ritz.
None of it's your fault or your body's fault BTW. And FWIW, I doubt that your Ex was being sadistic. He may have been unable to live with the pain he was about to cause you, and thought that he could make it up to you. He can't, obviously.

Yeah, sounds awful. Be glad the trash took itself out

Thanks everyone. You've made me feel like I'm not crazy for feeling so humiliated. And also for it being ok to not be over it after 2 months. I just miss him so much.

I felt I was doing better lately but now seem to be crying nearly as much as I did in the early days. The emotional pain is terrible. I will look into professional support if it goes on too long (however long 'too long' is).

There is no timeline by which you have to be over the relationship, ESPECIALLY after the trauma he caused you. Don't think you have to be over him by a specific date, otherwise something is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you, it's called being human!

@thatsalad thank you. I think I feel under pressure due to my age (early 30s).

I took a long time to get over a previous break up but it didn't matter much in my 20s. Now I feel like I can't take too long if I want to have kids. But I also feel like rushing through the grief would be a disaster.

How long were you together? I ask not to minimise your grief (if, for example, you were together just 3 months) but just to understand a bit more. I am going to say that it is not him that you miss so much. You are missing having a relationship, feeling "in love", planning a future at a time when you see your friends starting to settle and have kids. When you split you said his mask changed and you realised you didn't actually know him at all. So you don't miss him, you miss the excitement and the fantasy of the version of him you had in your head. That is understandable. Totally normal. We've all been there. I think it will help you process your grief to be clear about what it is you are grieving. What are you doing to look after yourself at the moment? Eating well? Sleeping? Listening to uplifting podcasts? Do you need recommendations?

I had a bit of this with my ex buying me expensive Christmas presents whilst having an affair with the woman he eventually left me for. Well rid!

Were there other examples of sociopathic behaviour in this relationship? Emotional manipulation? Negging, gaslighting?

It is often the case that the relationship that is hardest to get over, isn’t with the love of our life, but with the guy that fucked us up so badly we can’t see straight.

@joliefolle we were together 2 years. I know what you mean about it not being the real him. But bear in mind it wasn't just in my head - he was a thoughtful and kind person for the majority of the time. That was the man I love and the man I miss. I think that side to him exists, but there's this other side when the mask slipped.

I'm doing all the right things. I'm eating well. I'm exercising. I see friends and family when I feel up to it. I don't sleep well though. I'm alone too much but equally don't feel up to seeing people.

and yes you're right about it's hard because others are marrying and having kids. Both me and my best friend thought we'd found the one in recent years. Now she's still with her one and everything's going well while I'm alone and miserable. I want to be supportive but I find it hard to listen to how great her love life is by comparison.

@Blobbitymacblob there was some negging and gaslighting but it was infrequent - say once every 3 months, then he'd go back to his normal sweet self quick. He did mention his ex said he was manipulative which I should've asked more about - I thought it a weird fact to offer up!

In the very last weeks of the relationship he had become critical of me and snapped at me more. But again this was about 10% of that time, so the rest of the time he was lovely. It was a real headspinner.

@LorettaYoung how long were you together? Living together or apart?

That was very mean of him to put it mildly. He obviously intended to cause as much pain as he could by making you think everything’s great, yet he had other ideas. It must have been a huge shock for you and totally out of the blue.

We've all been there. Sad over someone unworthy of us longer than they deserved.

Its likely not him but the situation. You'll be ok, its ok if you aren't ok yet

@MangaMoo just to say, thank you for the counselling suggestion. I've signed up for my first session next week.

I'm doing no better emotionally and feel stuck in every way. I am always the strong agony aunt in friendships but really don't feel I can get through this all alone.