To feel traumatised that ex wanted to give me 'one last nice week'

[LorettaYoung]

By this I mean we spent an amazing week together ahead of the break up and a month later during the break up I queried how we'd just had an amazing time together and he said 'I wanted to give you one last nice week together'.

I think back on that week. How he stocked up his fridge with all my favourite things. Also sexually he'd always been very vanilla and not wanting to try new things, but suddenly he said he wanted to do those things that week. Which we did. I keep thinking about those moments and how vulnerable I was and angry that he was plotting the break up the whole time.

I remember we watched a movie where the lead guy is making the break up long and drawn out, and he said 'well maybe it's ok to not say goodbye immediately sometimes.' I remember thinking WTF.

I feel like he treated me like a dog that was about to get down and feel it is almost a sadistic way to behave? Am I wrong?

It may not feel like it but you should be thanking your lucky stars that his man is no longer in your life.

There's far better out there. It won't be difficult to upgrade from him.

Well the op did not have to go along with it, women have a voice so use it and stop letting men do all the thinking

I can understand why you feel so confused and hurt. However, this sounds like utter classic male behaviour of such stupidity. Thinking he's doing a nice thing when in turn it's the total opposite.

I say let it go. He's out of your life now so try not to dwell on what you can't change. Big hugs.

What the heck, yes, I’d rather honesty than someone lie to me for a week, let me open up and let my guard down. Treating someone “nicely” when you’re planning to dump them is the opposite of niceness. It’s a kind of grooming for a fall, for being blindsighted. It’s a totally selfish thing for the guy to do from the big omniscient sky where he knows it’s gonna end and OP doesn’t, playing some sort of gloaty God. Yuk, I’d be raging. If you want to break up with me, get on with it. Don’t play me!

How was the op supposed to be doing the thinking here? He knew the reality of the situation and she didn’t - that is precisely why it’s shit behaviour. She wouldn’t be using her voice or not going along with anything because she had no reason to think she wasn’t simply enjoying a happy relationship!

It's utterly creepy.

I can't actually imagine how anyone could "act" through a week like that - so much so I have to wonder, you don't think he was in fact giving it one last shot, which for whatever reason in his mind didn't convince him?

Wtf op didnt know he was planning to end it so how could she have used her voice.

Oh bore off trying to make the OP culpable here. Unless she’s a mind reader, how would she know he wanted to end things if he was acting like the world’s best boyfriend?!

Isn't the point that the OP didn't know he was planning to break up with her? She had no idea the end was nigh, especially as he was being so amazing in that last week. So what was she supposed to say to circumvent it?

What on earth do you mean “go along with it”?! I’m sure if he told her he was planning to dump her but wanted to spend a week doing nice things and having sex with her first she’d have told him to fuck off. You can’t be accused of going along with something when you have no idea that it’s going on.

Thank you all.

I think I keep getting stuck on the sex part because in a way I feel like I wouldn't have consented if I knew what he was planning. I also was in a vulnerable state and already not feeling great about my body lately after weight gain. So I keep thinking stupid things like he left because he hated my body.

I think people are right who say he wanted to look like the good guy. He blindsided me with the break up itself (after talking marriage and babies the month before). I feel I never got to say my piece because I was just in shock.

It's about honest and respect, isn't it? Plenty of couples do this sort of thing mutually, like if they're breaking up but still go on a holiday together that was pre-booked, so they'll have a last nice week by agreement. But that's different to one party doing it unilaterally while the other is in the dark. It's not the worst thing in the world so again I'd not frame it as being traumatised, which gets used so often now and pathologises too much, but it's shitty behaviour and reason to be glad you're rid of him.

For the record it's been two months and I just can't move on. I feel like he died and I'm grieving.

And I just still want marriage and kids etc, but feel so far away from that because I'm stuck.

@Isitreallysohard Except it hasn’t ‘ended up on a good note’ since in the aftermath OP feels traumatised and that ex was actually being quite sadistic since he had a secret agenda during the time that OP thought everything was okay. How is that treating OP ‘nicely’?

Also, the sex element is more than just ‘odd’ - sinister might be more apt since it was obviously him ‘using’ OPs body as a chance to just go ahead and sexually experiment with which had she known what he was truly planning, she wouldn’t have allowed so no wonder she feels ‘traumatised’ since it’s on reflection it may feel like a violation.

So yeah, can’t find the ‘nice’ anywhere in his behaviour.

Oh gosh that is really awful, and that you're having those thoughts blaming yourself when it's nothing about you or your body and entirely on him. I hope you can talk to friends IRL about how you're feeling and get some support to process and reframe the grief and get through this because he really wasn't the one and you will do so much better.

What on earth are you on about? OP didn't know he was planning to dump her the next week, how was she supposed to know she was going along with his secret plan?

Feminine username...

Don’t pay too much attention to it. Men rewrite things so don’t let it get to you.

You are better than him because you are HONEST. Don’t let him steal another minute of your time, what a creep!!!!

As horrible as it is, and it is comparable to a bereavement, it really is a good thing that you didn't end up married to him or having his kids. Really. Imagine what he'd have done every time a life stress came along....

@Isitreallysohard

Are you ok? " at least it ended on a good note" - like she should be grateful?! WTF?

@LorettaYoung I hope you are ok. Be glad he is not your problem any more.

I wouldn’t waste my time being ‘traumatised’. He’s done you a favour. Crack on. You’re well rid. Stop obsessing over him and start obsessing over you.

Did you post about him before @LorettaYoung? You had been thinking of breaking up with him because he’d gone cold but then he did it first?

If so it sounds like there was some emotional dishonesty on both sides, though i agree his was far worse. I don’t think either of you is a terrible person though. It’s easy to make mistakes in relationships and no one is perfect.

I hope you can move on soon. The post breakup period is so awful. I really feel for you.

Please don’t contact him, however tempted you are. You WILL feel better eventually. 💐

Pure deceit and nasty. OP, you can never continue to love someone who is capable of such.
Your future awaits OP

He talked marriage and babies while he was planning to end it? What a shitbag. You're well rid of him, but I get why it is hard to get past this. I thought "traumatised" was a bit over the top in your post title before reading the detail. Ugh. Poor you.

I think she’d of rather honesty that things weren’t good for him, rather than a charade and treating her like a game!

OP you’ve every right to be deeply disturbed by sll
this.

Op, what a cowardly way to behave. Not surprised you can’t move on, that’s a very abusive betrayal to whatever you had.

It is important to separate love from pride. It seems to me that that cowardly humiliation and the anger that comes from it is what doesn’t let you move on.

Please try to reframe the situation in your mind, difficult I know, but try to see it for what it was, he didn’t give you one last week (wanker!) he showed you why you are better off without him, there is something very very wrong with him!

So chin up, do not give him more headspace, dump him out of you mind as he clearly deserves. You dodged a massive bullet there!