To feel traumatised that ex wanted to give me 'one last nice week'

[LorettaYoung]

By this I mean we spent an amazing week together ahead of the break up and a month later during the break up I queried how we'd just had an amazing time together and he said 'I wanted to give you one last nice week together'.

I think back on that week. How he stocked up his fridge with all my favourite things. Also sexually he'd always been very vanilla and not wanting to try new things, but suddenly he said he wanted to do those things that week. Which we did. I keep thinking about those moments and how vulnerable I was and angry that he was plotting the break up the whole time.

I remember we watched a movie where the lead guy is making the break up long and drawn out, and he said 'well maybe it's ok to not say goodbye immediately sometimes.' I remember thinking WTF.

I feel like he treated me like a dog that was about to get down and feel it is almost a sadistic way to behave? Am I wrong?

Built you up to knock you down.. yanbu!

Perhaps he was still trying to work things out in his head, and made a last push to try and make it work. No need for him to twist the narrative like that though..

If it makes you feel any better, most people when they want to break up with someone can't stand the sight of them, so try and take it for what this is...about him, and not you.

You're much better off without him by the looks of it, he sounds incredibly emotionally immature and stunted and will likely live to regret his actions.

I have heard this so many times from female friends and had an ex do this to me. An ex was extra nice, invested, interested before breaking ip with me. He had the same reasoning.

He was perplexed that I thought that made things worse and was a shitty thing to do.

Sounds like the week was planned to make him feel better rather than you. Breaking up is never nice however its done but his methods, whilst not intended to be nasty, leave a lot to be desired.

I guess some people are going to tell you that it could have been worse, and they'd have preferred this to the way they have been treated. But that doesn't stop it from still being a shit way to be let down. It was a deliberate sucker-punch break up.

What a total dick. He gave u the best (but not real) version of him self and then dumped you. You are well shot of him onwards and up!

It’s sex without informed consent, you might liken it to stealthing at the very least. I would seek some professional support If I was you, it might help to have somebody else validate the way you’re feeling. He’s disgusting

Your well shot. He sounds like a psycho

My god. He reallllllly thinks a lot of himself, doesn’t he? “I wanted to give you one last nice week in my company before I pull the plug. Stock you up on nice memories before you never see me again” Breathtaking. Just breathtaking…..

That’d absolutely gross. What a shitty person. If be feeling sick in your situation. I’m so sorry

@Phoebesparrow I totally get what you're saying about walking away feeling assaulted. It feels like that exactly.

I did feel very humiliated when it first happened. No way would I have jumped into bed with him having known what he intended.

@ThatCalmCat yes it wasn't like that at all. He was loving and normal towards me not 'I can't stand the sight of her.'

We were planning our future together and then it was all over in an instant.

It's like the "condemned man's last meal" when you didn't know you were about to be executed! I can't imagine the arrogance, to take so much power over someone else's happiness. He is absolutely an abusive twat and I hope, in time, you will be able to feel thankful that he is out of your life.

Mental health problem..... Swinging from marriage discussions to calculated dumping. Bi polar?

Yeah, that's one way of looking at it. He wanted to 'give you one last great week'. Or he wanted to have loads of sex to stock up for a while. I would feel totally violated. It may be that actually he wasn't going to break up and just had his head turned at the last minute. Either way while its awful, at least he has gone.

He said 'I wanted to give you one last nice week together'.
I think back on that week. How he stocked up his fridge with all my favourite things. Also sexually he'd always been very vanilla and not wanting to try new things, but suddenly he said he wanted to do those things that week.

He wanted to give himself one last nice week together trying out some sex things while he had you vulnerable and grateful for his 'niceness'. What a creep.

@BunnyLake do you mean write to/message him and tell him?

When he broke up with me I was in shock and barely able to react.

Now that I've processed it I really feel like saying 'you did X, Y and Z, and you ought to own how you treated me.' We've been complete NC.

OP, there's no set time to move on of course, but two months isn't very long. You've got to get over the shock and because this guy was such a pathetic prick it's a double shock. In the next month or so it will start to get better, little by little, every day until the morning you wake up and genuniely think - thank fuck he's gone. I know two months of all this processing feels like a long time but it's really not. There is no need for you to feel humiliated. You won't be the first or the last to have been completely blindsided by just how shitty some people can be. Their 'logic' is just so twisted there's no way to see it coming. We learn and we move on. There's no hurry, this will pass, you will find happiness.

@Kbroughton I kind of agree that he was stocking up on sex, because we also had way more sex than usual.

Grim.

I’ve heard of this happening a few times op . Not sure why they do it . I certainly couldn’t bring myself to put on this act if I was about to dump someone . But then that’s the difference between them and us I suppose .

Urgh. He thinks far too much of himself. Disturbing that he lied so easily too. You are well rid of him. What a revolting person he is. I don't know how that couldn't mess with your head and if he has an ounce of common sense and decency he must realise that's the wrong thing to do. When it boils down to it, he wanted sex. Urgh. Grubby, horrible man.

@Needtosoundoffandbreathe It definitely has messed with my head.

I thought he was 'the one'. He seemed like the one. During the break up, it was like he took a mask off and I'd never seen that person before.

I think it's a huge breach of trust and will have the OP wondering how much of their relationship was 'real'.

After all he acted the part of perfect boyfriend when in fact he was planning to exit the relationship. It would make me feel like I couldn't trust any of my memories to be real, like he was faking it all along.

OP - it's not you. That would have utterly devastated me and felt like a huge betrayal. Almost like building you up to a high so the break-up was the most devastating it could be (like maximum shock and hurt).

We assume when a break-up is coming there will be some kind of warning signs. A withdrawal of affection/sex or not sharing of hopes and dreams, a sort of slow putting up of barriers getting ready to leave. This at least gives the other person time to prepare or get used to the idea or ask questions.

Very, very cruel what he has done and manipulative. i don't know him so I can't tell if he did it to hurt you the most he could or if he was trying to soften the blow but in a very clumsy way.

I think any shock, grief, betrayal you are feeling is entirely 100% justified.

No break-up is nice but nobody likes to be lead up the garden path.

Don't contact him. Write a letter to him and get all your feelings out but don't send it.

I wish you luck moving on.

It was a revolting way to have sex before he ended.
I am so sorry op. He is a disgusting person who managed to hide it well.
I hope in time you feel nothing but joy and relief that you did not marry and have kids with him.

I had an ex and from the start we knew it was temporary because he wanted to move country to be near his daughter and I was waiting to start a job that I was studying for. So when these things happened we planned a lovely last month but it was mutual and we both were looking forward to our futures and knew that doing long distance wasn't going to work for either of us. So it was a nice ending. But when one person doesn't know it is the end that just feels cruel.

Hey OP. YANBU of course. I’m so sorry. My ex did something similar in that he had planned to break up with me but kept bottling it yet continued to have sex with me meaning I was totally blindsided.Time has been a great healer but I do still feel repulsed by him when I am reminded of that. I went on to marry a wonderful man who couldn’t be more different but I still wish I could tell him how fucked up it was. I didn’t at the time as I was still pretty young and naive I suppose.

Psychopathic behaviour. I’m so sorry that happened to you.