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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex said he will never forgive me

242 replies

PringlesForMe · 17/07/2025 19:33

For secretly planning to leave him for a year. Saving money, getting a house and furniture sorted etc. I told him I wanted to separate but it did take 3 months more to get my house sorted etc, His family absolutely hate my guts and say how two faced I am, I’m a villain in his families eyes. Big reasons I had to do what I did which was a result of how Ex was treating me and speaking to me. He was verbally abusive and could be very nasty, also very nice and generous. I am now treated like I’ve ran off with another man and abandoned my children. Ex says how two faced I was when he would talk about our future and retirement etc.

MIL wants my head on a stick (jokes 💀)

OP posts:
HAB75 · 19/07/2025 12:24

Shnuzzbucket · 19/07/2025 10:30

It is a generation of mothers that have created the current batch of entitled monsters

Even when its the man's fault, you're still blaming women.

Nice

Show quote history

Pretending that we are perfect is not the effective way to reach genuine equality. It was that pathetic trait that finally confirmed to women that men were not the stronger sex. Why would we adopt the same weakness?

You are also missing the obvious. A lot of these molly coddling mothers of that generation were actively anti-feminist. I would question leaping to their defences in the way you have.

youlied · 19/07/2025 12:29

My Ex MIL told me she would never forgive me and that Karma would get me because I wanted to keep my dog and not let her lying, cheating Son keep her!
He cheated and left me homeless.
But I didn’t care what she said. I’ve moved on now and built a much better life (and I have the dog!)

T1Dmama · 19/07/2025 13:14

PringlesForMe · 17/07/2025 19:56

Thank you. My ex said that he literally could have run me over with his car and his mum would still take his side. She has pure hatred for me, I’m utterly despised by her.

Show quote history

Tell him you don’t care whether she likes you or not.. the feelings are pretty mutual!
Also tell him while you appreciated him taking your mum to the hospital..,. It’s not worthy of an award! Most people would do the same for a complete bloody stranger just because it’s the decent thing to do…. Christ I’ve helped people who have fallen over etc and don’t expect their family to shackle themselves to me - a thanks is nice but not necessary - all the thanks I need when helping someone is my own knowledge that I’m not a heartless twat! People shouldn’t only help others to some how be ‘owed’ something in return

T1Dmama · 19/07/2025 13:26

BigFatLiar · 17/07/2025 20:35

So you planned for a year, stashing cash etc, preparing to leave while still playing happy families and then another three months sorting out accommodation prior to telling him.

It's a bit off but what else would you do. Here we'd crucify a man for this sort of deceit, pretending all is fine until they're ready to go. Reality is that's how it works.

You shouldn't care what he thinks. He may feel he's right but you feel you dud what you had to. Move on, he's entitled to never forgive just as you are.

The reality is that a woman dies at the hands of a partner/ex every week…. The reality is that the risk of being murdered increases massively while trying to leave!
So yes there is very good reason why women (rightly so) receive support for planning their escape from an abusive partner.

Am abused man would receive the same support - its men having affairs and plotting that get a hard time

ExploringDreams · 19/07/2025 14:06

Well done op. You deserve to live your life happily. He can wallow in his misery if he wants or do whatever he wants. He obviously did just that without any consideration for you or your feelings in the past.

JustSawJohnny · 19/07/2025 14:21

PringlesForMe · 19/07/2025 06:43

He keeps saying that he’s learned a harsh lesson when it comes to name calling and verbal nastiness. He truly believed that words were meaningless and he’s certainly learned his lesson now he says. The thing is, I did end it with him a year ago after he behaved horribly but he refused to acknowledge what I had said and everything carried on as normal, except I couldn’t bear to have him near me or be demonstrative towards which he used to sulk about. He was well aware that things were very bad but he pretends that he was blindsided.

He's just trying to shift blame.

He can fool himself and his family but don' let him fool you, OP.

It sounds like you've given him more than enough chances. He's just frantic now you are actually getting away and not giving him more.

I hope you are very happy in your new home.x.

NZSB · 19/07/2025 17:04

I did the same with my Daughters father.

Honestly the very best thing I've done and when out Daughter is older she will understand. Co-parenting with a cruel, controlling narcissist is tough but a zillion times better than staying!

Bloody well done for getting out x

Marosanne · 19/07/2025 17:05

Why are you even asking?

SpamHawk · 19/07/2025 17:51

This forum is so toxic. A lot of people on here must be so unhappy. There is a lot of terrible advice. Planning ti leave for months is horrible

TomatoSandwiches · 19/07/2025 18:05

SpamHawk · 19/07/2025 17:51

This forum is so toxic. A lot of people on here must be so unhappy. There is a lot of terrible advice. Planning ti leave for months is horrible

In an abusive relationship it is a necessity, how else do you suggest people escape safely?

amusedbush · 19/07/2025 18:35

SpamHawk · 19/07/2025 17:51

This forum is so toxic. A lot of people on here must be so unhappy. There is a lot of terrible advice. Planning ti leave for months is horrible

No, it's necessary in some situations. It would be a terrible idea to tell an abusive, aggressive and unpredictable partner that you are ending the relationship without having an exit strategy sorted. Many abusers escalate when their partner tries to leave.

In situations involving abuse, it's much safer to quietly plan in the background and then just leave.

OP says she didn't know how her partner would react (and he had previously threatened her with violence) so I don't blame her for prioritising her safety.

SpamHawk · 19/07/2025 19:02

This forum is so toxic. A lot of people on here must be so unhappy. There is a lot of terrible advice. Planning ti leave for months is horrible

Serpentstooth · 19/07/2025 19:44

SpamHawk · 19/07/2025 19:02

This forum is so toxic. A lot of people on here must be so unhappy. There is a lot of terrible advice. Planning ti leave for months is horrible

Given the number of women assaulted, beaten and or murdered by male partners every year, consider yourself lucky you have never been in qa position to find it necessary to carefully plan to leave over a lengthy period. You are presumably very young? Update yourself on women's lives and don't think yourself excluded.

Bluedenimdoglover · 19/07/2025 20:12

Forget this post. You have done it. Feel proud of yourself and continue to grow. You don't need anyone else to validate what you've achieved and repeating the negatives of your relationship with your ex and his family on here will just keep it all smouldering. Onwards and upwards,!

Newbigginboy · 19/07/2025 20:20

IMHO every woman should have a fuck off fund. The stats show women are usually worse off financially when a relationship ends, and if Mr sweet dreams turns out to be Mr Coercive nightmare you can leave at a time of your own choosing. (Notwithstanding all other circumstances)

oldmoaner · 19/07/2025 20:33

Good for you. My daughter couldn't plan or save money as he controlled everything, so I saved, bought household items, clothes etc and rented a property for her and children, she just walked out in what they stood in. She was so evil etc according to his parents, he moved in with them, funny they kicked him out after 2 months of him controlling them.

diddl · 19/07/2025 20:59

Well if he wasn't abusive you could have separated openly iyswim.

No need for stashing money, house sold/someone buys the other out as is the course for many.

So after you told him you wee leaving, wtaf did he think you were still there??!!

diddl · 19/07/2025 21:01

Don't forget Op "Those who mind don't matter, those who matter don't mind!"

LemonQuoter · 19/07/2025 21:28

You shouldn't care what he or his family thinks because he was abusive. You took care of yourself. Well done! This shows great strength on your part, to dig yourself out of that relationship.

I can't believe anyone would think that you were unreasonable!

SpamHawk · 19/07/2025 23:10

He doesn't sound abusive at all? So any woman can just say a man is abusive and that gives them the right to sneak around and set up a whole exit strategy? If he was so abusive why did nothing happened when she finally bolted and left her kids with such a horrible man? Marriage takes graft at times. Just leaving is weak. Why leave your kids if hes such a monster. I dont believe your side if im honest.

echt · 20/07/2025 00:02

It's no-one 's business if an OH sets ups an exit strategy in secret. The OP has said he was verbally violent and that he promised she would regret leaving him. That is a threat.
She did not leave the children with him, she took them with her.

DO read the OP's posts.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/07/2025 00:16

SpamHawk · 19/07/2025 23:10

He doesn't sound abusive at all? So any woman can just say a man is abusive and that gives them the right to sneak around and set up a whole exit strategy? If he was so abusive why did nothing happened when she finally bolted and left her kids with such a horrible man? Marriage takes graft at times. Just leaving is weak. Why leave your kids if hes such a monster. I dont believe your side if im honest.

Are you fucking serious?!

pestowithwalnuts · 20/07/2025 07:21

I'm hoping that you've managed to get away without too much hassle OP

SheilaFentiman · 20/07/2025 07:35

Abusive twat has twattish opinion… this isn’t a surprise 🙂

Hope you are ok, OP

Original poster
PringlesForMe · 20/07/2025 08:21

Thank you all. He said this morning that he’s looking forward to not being my emotional punchbag anymore 🙄

OP posts:
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