Ex said he will never forgive me

[PringlesForMe]

For secretly planning to leave him for a year. Saving money, getting a house and furniture sorted etc. I told him I wanted to separate but it did take 3 months more to get my house sorted etc, His family absolutely hate my guts and say how two faced I am, I’m a villain in his families eyes. Big reasons I had to do what I did which was a result of how Ex was treating me and speaking to me. He was verbally abusive and could be very nasty, also very nice and generous. I am now treated like I’ve ran off with another man and abandoned my children. Ex says how two faced I was when he would talk about our future and retirement etc.

MIL wants my head on a stick (jokes 💀)

Well done Op that takes some bravery you won’t regret it. his ego has taken a beating ignore his mum she wasn’t putting up with his behaviour enjoy your new life.

This!

I’d be very wary about him knowing where you’re moving to.
x

He is angry because you have left him and you planning your departure in secret is somewhere for him to place his anger. If you’d been open from day one he would have found something else to be angry about and never forgive you for, although I know this doesn’t make it any easier for you. Good luck

Him painting you as the bad guy allows him to absolve himself of his shitty behaviour. His opinion of you is no longer of importance. Give it the same level of indifference as you'd give a random drunk having a go at you for not giving them money.

It is a generation of mothers that have created the current batch of entitled monsters. They spoiled them emotionally and never told them they were in the wrong. She is more to blame for your ex's behaviour than he is - she created a man who absolutely has to be left.

You will never persuade her that her beloved, precious son is ever in the wrong, so just accept your new position, and check the mother out extensively before making the same mistake next time!!!

Who gives a fuck what the mother thinks? Or him for that matter?

They can cope

Completely different. Read the OP's posts.

And? Of course he feels like that. If he was a different type of person maybe you wouldn't be leaving him? You're expecting a cat to become a dog. YABU.

You have done so well getting this far, OP. Of course this is the stage of maximum nastiness, and the abuse and guilt tripping are bruising and triggering all your conditioning about being a good and cooperative woman. The size of the blowup is proportional to how bad this guy was as a husband. It’s super uncomfortable, and it feels so unjust that his mother is 100% buying into his version of events. But the only thing that’s real is that you’re getting FREE. Just push through and let the wave break over you.

He keeps saying that he’s learned a harsh lesson when it comes to name calling and verbal nastiness. He truly believed that words were meaningless and he’s certainly learned his lesson now he says. The thing is, I did end it with him a year ago after he behaved horribly but he refused to acknowledge what I had said and everything carried on as normal, except I couldn’t bear to have him near me or be demonstrative towards which he used to sulk about. He was well aware that things were very bad but he pretends that he was blindsided.

So what? He's your ex, you've got yourself sorted. As far as possible, block him, his family, his friends. Set all your social media to private so only YOUR friends can see it. You will find out who they are at this point. If anyone wants to dscuss it, giving his side, close them down by just saying "He was abusive. I left. None of your business." Then block them. Only have communication via a solicitor or by letter. Cut loose, move on, enjoy your life.

He won’t change, OP. It sounds like you see through him now.

The thing is whether he is in the ‘wrong’ or not is irrelevant in terms of his mother. The OP has decided she doesn’t want to me married to him any more and that’s her right. End of story.

I think this whole right/ wrong obsession causes a lot of issues. Shades of grey.

And he's entitled not to forgive her, she's entitled not to care.

In a sense you could be right, but I think she would behave more neutrally if that were true. Why work yourself up to a level of hatred if you are sensible and look at both sides? The MIL obviously can't - her son is obviously perfect - and I suspect that will always have been her attitude. That style of parenting has bred entitlement.

It's entirely reasonable for him to feel betrayed, misled and hurt that you were planning to leave for a year but kept up a facade of having a future together. Wouldn't anyone in the circumstances?
Whether yoh were reasonable to have done that....only the two of you can know.

The only response to his petulant, "I will never forgive you" is "Oh, OK" and then carry on with your day.

I voted YABU because So what?.. who gives a shit? You need to laugh in his face as you let the door slam. As for his mother, again, So what. She is nothing to do with you. There is absolutely nothing you can or should do that will make them think differently so you need to change your own attitude to why you care.

It is a generation of mothers that have created the current batch of entitled monsters

Even when its the man's fault, you're still blaming women.

Nice

Tbh though, she’s right. I recently had a major fallout with a couple of friends who are mums of teen boys over the way they ignore their growing misogyny and toxic masculinity (boys will be boys!)
Mothers need to step up.

He’s gaslighting you.

Have you left your children? You say you will share custody but have you left them at home?

No, they will be coming with me, with me more due to ex’s shifts but we will be sharing custody.