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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex said he will never forgive me

242 replies

PringlesForMe · 17/07/2025 19:33

For secretly planning to leave him for a year. Saving money, getting a house and furniture sorted etc. I told him I wanted to separate but it did take 3 months more to get my house sorted etc, His family absolutely hate my guts and say how two faced I am, I’m a villain in his families eyes. Big reasons I had to do what I did which was a result of how Ex was treating me and speaking to me. He was verbally abusive and could be very nasty, also very nice and generous. I am now treated like I’ve ran off with another man and abandoned my children. Ex says how two faced I was when he would talk about our future and retirement etc.

MIL wants my head on a stick (jokes 💀)

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 17/07/2025 20:13

One of the utterly wonderful things that happened when I left exDH… I came in to the shared home one morning as I was leaving him, I looked at him passed out on the sofa from the night before and suddenly BING in my head was the thought, “you’re not my problem any more”. Utter relief and clarity.

His opinion now means the square root of fuck all, and he was mostly shit, rather than actually abusive.

Please please stop caring what he thinks, or his mother. They can keep saying it, you can 👍 them.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 17/07/2025 20:13

PringlesForMe · 17/07/2025 19:33

For secretly planning to leave him for a year. Saving money, getting a house and furniture sorted etc. I told him I wanted to separate but it did take 3 months more to get my house sorted etc, His family absolutely hate my guts and say how two faced I am, I’m a villain in his families eyes. Big reasons I had to do what I did which was a result of how Ex was treating me and speaking to me. He was verbally abusive and could be very nasty, also very nice and generous. I am now treated like I’ve ran off with another man and abandoned my children. Ex says how two faced I was when he would talk about our future and retirement etc.

MIL wants my head on a stick (jokes 💀)

Who cares what he thinks 😊 his opinion is of no importance to you and you dont have to care anymore. Well done OP for planning your successful escape!

HappyToSmile · 17/07/2025 20:14

Well done for getting out!
With regards to him and what hes saying, so what??? Don't communicate with himself at all unless it is about the children. Learn the tactic of grey rocking him if he tries to bring anything else up. Let his friends/family believe whatever they want to. Even if you were to tell them the truth, they'd still listen to him anyway. Be thankful and proud you got away

Hoardasurass · 17/07/2025 20:15

His reaction is another good reason hes an ex

OohhhhhBigStretch · 17/07/2025 20:16

He’s entitled to his opinion. But in your shoes I’d just grey rock him. Don’t talk to him unless it relates to the dc. Do as much via text or email and don’t respond to anything he says about him or your relationship.

as for his family, block on all channels and never speak to them again.

Praying4Peace · 17/07/2025 20:17

PringlesForMe · 17/07/2025 19:37

I had to do it this way for my safety, I did tell him that if I hadn’t done it this way we would both be stuck living together and fighting over who gets to stay in the marital home. I also didn’t know how angry he would be or what he might do. He’s actually been reasonable and okay since but with a few incidents in between.

Is it the fact that you planned to leave without telling him?

Original poster
PringlesForMe · 17/07/2025 20:19

Praying4Peace · 17/07/2025 20:17

Is it the fact that you planned to leave without telling him?

Show quote history

No, I did tell him properly - that was a few months ago and we’ve been living together ever since. I’m leaving this weekend.

OP posts:
Snoken · 17/07/2025 20:30

I also had to plan for many months before I could leave. There was all kinds of abuse involved but the thing that made me to it that way was the financial abuse. I didn't have access to money to actually get out and find somewhere to live. I wouldn't have done it that way if I thought he would have been a reasonable and fair person, but that isn't always the case. He hates my guts, his family even more so I think, but I am three years on now and I can honestly say it doesn't bother me at all what they think of me. Our kids are adults now and neither of us have any contact with him or his side of the family. In the first year or so though I would have such anxiety just thinking about how much they despised me, but suddenly one day all those feelings just went. It will for you too, I'm sure.

Mmhmmn · 17/07/2025 20:33

MIL can fuck off though can’t she, it’s probably her fault that her special son was so awful to be in a relationship with.

Well done for making your plans and getting out. 👏 Please be careful and look after yourself.

BigFatLiar · 17/07/2025 20:35

So you planned for a year, stashing cash etc, preparing to leave while still playing happy families and then another three months sorting out accommodation prior to telling him.

It's a bit off but what else would you do. Here we'd crucify a man for this sort of deceit, pretending all is fine until they're ready to go. Reality is that's how it works.

You shouldn't care what he thinks. He may feel he's right but you feel you dud what you had to. Move on, he's entitled to never forgive just as you are.

Branleuse · 17/07/2025 20:36

I think id be speaking to a solicitor about parental alienation if he is going to be slagging you off to the children.

Mmhmmn · 17/07/2025 20:38

If he’s been making.violent threats I would seriously consider leaving before the day-/time he expects you to.

AlertEagle · 17/07/2025 20:43

Don’t give him anymore headspace.

Elsvieta · 17/07/2025 20:44

Tell him cheerfully that you're not asking him to forgive you, and that you won't forgive him for his abuse. He's not your problem any more! Congratulations! 🎉

InterestedBeing · 17/07/2025 20:44

Ok whatever would be my response.

Sodthesystem · 17/07/2025 20:45

I mean, so what?

Oh boohoo, the lion is angry that it's lunch escaped.
Poor lion.

I'm sure his family know damn well fine why you left. Wouldn't be surprised if he's lying about what they think too. Abusers like to tell you the whole world thinks xyz. It's usually bullshit.

Stop talking to him.
Use a parenting ap for any childcare stuff. Personally I'd fight tooth and nail for full custody. Rather than let my kids spend time with an abuser. But it's hard to get it awarded. So just minimise contact..and only communicate via email.

ShoeeMcfee · 17/07/2025 20:45

He's pissed off because you escaped him. As others have said, who gives a shit what he and his family think? They can rot.

Sodthesystem · 17/07/2025 20:47

PringlesForMe · 17/07/2025 20:19

No, I did tell him properly - that was a few months ago and we’ve been living together ever since. I’m leaving this weekend.

Show quote history

You should go now.

It's most dangerous when they know you are planning to leave.

Best case scenario he will sabotage things on the day. Worst case scenario, he could hurt you.

exhaustedbeinghappy · 17/07/2025 20:48

As PP have said, what he (or his family) think is not your problem any more. All that matters is you and your DC, so your only obligation is to be be civil when communicating with him about them.

I’ve been listening to a song of Spotify lately - All your lies by Dean Lewis, very apt lyrics

I don't care, tell them what you want to
You can paint me how you like
And after everything we've been through
Do you really wanna sell your soul tonight?
Well go ahead and chase those flashing lights
So I'm gonna run for the hills
I'm not gonna say goodbye
You can tell all your friends
Whatever makes you feel alright
I just wanna get away
I'm gonna leave tonight
'Cause I'm just getting so damn
Sick of trying to find the truth inside
All your lies

Original poster
PringlesForMe · 17/07/2025 20:49

BigFatLiar · 17/07/2025 20:35

So you planned for a year, stashing cash etc, preparing to leave while still playing happy families and then another three months sorting out accommodation prior to telling him.

It's a bit off but what else would you do. Here we'd crucify a man for this sort of deceit, pretending all is fine until they're ready to go. Reality is that's how it works.

You shouldn't care what he thinks. He may feel he's right but you feel you dud what you had to. Move on, he's entitled to never forgive just as you are.

It was a year of planning to leave after horrible behaviour from him towards me and the children. We had 3 months living together after I asked him for a separation.

OP posts:
SpinachSpinachMoreSpinach · 17/07/2025 20:50

Detach
DETACH
and then detach some more.

Do whatever it takes to lead your best life.
And stay detached…

SheridansPortSalut · 17/07/2025 20:54

You don't need his forgiveness.

honeylulu · 17/07/2025 20:55

Well his horrible attitude and his mothers horrible attitude just shows you that you were right to decide to leave.

Also, have a think about this ... if you were as awful and despicable as they are making out, why isn't he glad you're going? He's awful not you.

mumda · 17/07/2025 20:57

Keep a log of what he says and when. Speak to your local police to record it.

Takenoprisoner · 17/07/2025 20:58

BigFatLiar · 17/07/2025 20:35

So you planned for a year, stashing cash etc, preparing to leave while still playing happy families and then another three months sorting out accommodation prior to telling him.

It's a bit off but what else would you do. Here we'd crucify a man for this sort of deceit, pretending all is fine until they're ready to go. Reality is that's how it works.

You shouldn't care what he thinks. He may feel he's right but you feel you dud what you had to. Move on, he's entitled to never forgive just as you are.

Absurd post.

It's definitely not 'a bit off' that she planned to leave in this way, not everyone can afford to leave immediately. And with an abusive man, how else was she going to do it?

Looking at the stats re domestic violence against women, and the fact that there IS an abusive man involved, I really don't think you can in any way compare this to if the sexes were reversed.

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