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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex said he will never forgive me

242 replies

PringlesForMe · 17/07/2025 19:33

For secretly planning to leave him for a year. Saving money, getting a house and furniture sorted etc. I told him I wanted to separate but it did take 3 months more to get my house sorted etc, His family absolutely hate my guts and say how two faced I am, I’m a villain in his families eyes. Big reasons I had to do what I did which was a result of how Ex was treating me and speaking to me. He was verbally abusive and could be very nasty, also very nice and generous. I am now treated like I’ve ran off with another man and abandoned my children. Ex says how two faced I was when he would talk about our future and retirement etc.

MIL wants my head on a stick (jokes 💀)

OP posts:
Richiewoo · 17/07/2025 21:38

You did what you had to go. Fuck him.

Echobelly · 17/07/2025 21:39

Yes, it sounds like he just feels angry and humiliated that he didn't see this coming. Good. Well rid.

whynotmereally · 17/07/2025 21:40

Stupid really does breed stupid. Onwards and upwards op! I had a similar experience with mil and fil. Fast forward two more wives and suddenly I’m the best one. They buy my little boy birthday gifts (not their grandchild)

Rosscameasdoody · 17/07/2025 21:40

PringlesForMe · 17/07/2025 19:52

All he says was that he admits to being a “bit of a dick” but massively downplays how he treated me - it’s all about how I’ve treated him in secretly planning on leaving him and how he can never forgive me. Never mind all the horrible names he’s called me or the violent threats. He keeps saying how much he’s done for me over the years and how he saved my mums life by driving her to the hospital when she was very ill. Of course I’m so grateful for that but it doesn’t cancel out the dreadful things he’s said to me. Words are meaningless he says.

Show quote history

Well he would say that wouldn’t he ? He’s the one verbally abusive, so of course he wants to minimise it. I’m with other posters OP - you shouldn’t care what he or his family think. You did what you needed to do, and you got away safely. The shit he’s throwing now is akin to teddy coming out of the pram because he’s lost the control he had over you and he doesn’t like it. Tough.

WilfredsPies · 17/07/2025 21:41

One of two responses spring to mind. Either ‘And I will never forgive you for making me feel like I needed to think about my safety’ or ‘I’m not asking for your forgiveness and I don’t give a shit about your mum or what she thinks’.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/07/2025 21:42

BigFatLiar · 17/07/2025 20:35

So you planned for a year, stashing cash etc, preparing to leave while still playing happy families and then another three months sorting out accommodation prior to telling him.

It's a bit off but what else would you do. Here we'd crucify a man for this sort of deceit, pretending all is fine until they're ready to go. Reality is that's how it works.

You shouldn't care what he thinks. He may feel he's right but you feel you dud what you had to. Move on, he's entitled to never forgive just as you are.

No one here would crucify a man for taking time to leave an abusive relationship, how ridiculous.

Phoebesparrow · 17/07/2025 21:43

My ex,almost 30 years on,loves to paint me as the abusive 'nutter'
I ended it-the mental,physical,financial and controlling abuse got too much and he went spare
His whole family took his side,from the 'why should I f*cking pay for her lifestyle?','those kids are not mine-shes such a slag,she's shagged half of our town' to the 'she gets benefits-why should i give her anymore?'

And I don't give a fuck

That kills him-hes got zero power over me and he knows it
The only people who believe his bullshit are his family and new girlfriend-everyone else sees him for the arsehole he is

I'm happy and he cannot bear it

Just grey rock him-that will kill his ego

bevelino · 17/07/2025 21:43

Dozer · 17/07/2025 19:34

Fuck him.

OP got her ducks in a row in true mumsnet style. Well done her and ha, ha to him.

DinosaurusFemina · 17/07/2025 21:46

You don’t need his forgiveness.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/07/2025 21:49

O the day you are leaving please have someone else with you, that is the most dangerous time, maybe stay over a friends house the night before.
Let the police know you're in an abusive relationship and that you are vacating the family home on X day at Y time and your ex has previously threatened to run you over.

Catladywithoutacat · 17/07/2025 21:59

So you’re meant to stay in a relationship you do t want to be in because it will hurt your partners feelings, no way you were not put on earth to please him and his family
go live your life and be happy with someone else

Apocketfilledwithposies · 17/07/2025 22:03

Ignore him. Ignore his mum.

Neither of them are your problem anymore.

You've done nothing wrong.

Have you now left?! I do hope so.

Your only mistake was telling him at all before you'd been able to move out. Doing so is a massive mortal risk. 😢 Womens aid advise planning in secret for extremely good reason. Are you and the kids now living in a new place?? I do hope so.

You've no reason to listen to him or his mum. Use a parenting app to communicate about the kids, and other than that, grey rock him.

Tadahhh · 17/07/2025 22:07

You can’t change his reaction to you, but you CAN change your reaction to him. He abused you and you’re worried about his opinion. He abused you and instead of changing his behaviour, he’s saying he won’t forgive you. Laughable really, except he’s not funny. He’s not even nice.

Well done OP, it’s really really hard to leave and do this. You’re rocking it, don’t let him mind fuck you.

MoreChocPls · 17/07/2025 22:07

Of course he’s cross… you’ve beat him. You’ve proved you’re strong. He doesn’t like that. Good for you. Sod him.

TheRoundTable1983 · 17/07/2025 22:08

I wouldn’t give a shit what he thinks. He’s your ex for a reason.

Terrribletwos · 17/07/2025 22:10

PringlesForMe · 17/07/2025 20:19

No, I did tell him properly - that was a few months ago and we’ve been living together ever since. I’m leaving this weekend.

Show quote history

Op hasn't left yet.

I hope you can leave soon, it must be very stressful living like this.

Bobnobob · 17/07/2025 22:12

‘I won’t forgive you either so let’s just find a way to co-parent our children and keep it civil for their sake’

No need to see or speak to his mother again.

FairKoala · 17/07/2025 22:17

PringlesForMe · 17/07/2025 19:52

All he says was that he admits to being a “bit of a dick” but massively downplays how he treated me - it’s all about how I’ve treated him in secretly planning on leaving him and how he can never forgive me. Never mind all the horrible names he’s called me or the violent threats. He keeps saying how much he’s done for me over the years and how he saved my mums life by driving her to the hospital when she was very ill. Of course I’m so grateful for that but it doesn’t cancel out the dreadful things he’s said to me. Words are meaningless he says.

Show quote history

He has admitted he was a bit of a dick. And given you were getting your ducks in a row for over a year. Then it must be obvious to him that he was a bit of a dick to you for over a year.

What did he expect was going to happen. I am struggling to believe that it was a big surprise that you weren’t going to stick around.

Given his mothers behaviour both of them need therapy to come to terms with the fact he isn’t that great that he can treat people appallingly and expect them to stick around

His mother needs to get a life

HonestOpalHelper · 17/07/2025 22:19

PringlesForMe · 17/07/2025 19:56

Thank you. My ex said that he literally could have run me over with his car and his mum would still take his side. She has pure hatred for me, I’m utterly despised by her.

Show quote history

But of course they will hate you, you deceitfully plotted to leave, it may have been for the best but none the less they will, rightly from their point of view, see you as deceitful and have nothing but disdain for you. You can't really expect any other reaction, it's inevitable - but then why worry about what they think??

Ponderingwindow · 17/07/2025 22:21

More women should leave that way.

if the ex can’t get over it, it doesn’t matter. Safety is paramount.

Even in a reasonably decent divorce, living together after announcing rarely goes smoothly. You actually did him a favor because it meant he was free to go through the stages of grief without having to hide his feelings from you.

Horses7 · 17/07/2025 22:23

Yet another mummy’s boy.
You've got to put yourself and your children first.
MIL is no loss from the sound of it.
Well done for getting out.

RantzNotBantz · 17/07/2025 22:24

OP, please stop communicating with him about this.

You left him for a reason. Very good reasons. You do not have to justify leaving him or the way you did it.

You did a great job with you planning it. Had you done a sudden flit you would have left yourself insecure , had you told him he would have sabotaged you, made sure you had no savings etc.

So what if he never forgives you? It’s not like you want to go back to him!

So what if he won’t admit his abusive behaviour? If he was like that he probably wouldn’t have been abusive in the first place.

You did a strong thing leaving, you were very sensible the way you planned it.

Look forwards, not back

R0ckandHardPlace · 17/07/2025 22:27

They’re all the same. My abusive ExH’s parents used to tell me to leave him, they didn’t know why I put up with him, etc. His own dad once held him up against a wall and threatened to put him through it if he ever heard him talking to me in such an awful way again, and they only saw 1% of the abuse.

Yet as soon as I left him he was husband/father of the decade and I was an evil bitch for breaking up the family. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Bugger them. Let go of what they say, it really doesn’t matter to you anymore. Your future is about to get so much brighter. Well done and lots of good luck to you and your children. x

BountifulPantry · 17/07/2025 22:30

You’ve done nothing wrong.

You aren’t obliged to be in a relationship with anyone, let alone someone who is a nasty piece of work.

The reality is, it’s hard to leave. Sometimes you need to make a plan before announcing it. That’s just life.

A reminder that you never need to speak to his mum again. Ever. Him you only need to speak to about child related stuff until your kids are more grown up.

Itiswhysofew · 17/07/2025 22:31

How you left should indicate to him and everyone the type of person he really is. Tell his mother to give her head a wobble if she manages to contact you.

Do they know your address?