Nanny Dilemma

[BlankStreetMatcha]

I feel terrible for bring this problem to here, I have no children of my own so I would like some advice from other mothers.

So....

I am currently Nanny to a 12 year old boy, this is my sixth year working with this family, they are lovely people and I am really enjoy being part of their family and they've always treated me very well.

Now the Dilemma is Mum & Dad want to take a 12 day holiday alone and they've asked if I could take care of their son in the meanwhile. I have never minded helping them out in the past, a few days here and there, I don't feel as if they realise that I have a life of my own, and them dragging me away from it can be a huge inconvenience at times.

I find it very hard to say no, simple reason he is the most sweetest child you'd ever come across, and he has always been an absolute pleasure to take care of.

It seems like Mum & Dad do not want him or only want him with them when it's convenient for them i.e family events etc, they haven't attended parents evening for years, it's always been left down to me, which I don't mind, but I just can't comprehend why they don't feel the need to have any input in his school life or his life in general.

During the last couple of months there has been a few times when he has randomly expressed that he hates his Mum & Dad, I have never asked him why, because I don't feel as if it is my business or my right to question him further, and he is at that age children tend to start expressing themselves. I just tell him that they love him very much and then change the subject.

I feel as they believe showering him with the most expensive gifts, ludicrous clothing brands and the latest gadgets makes up for the time unspent with him and I just can't understand why they don't want to bring him along with them on their holiday.

I had made plans and now I feel as if it's my only option to cancel them, if I say no I am instantly going to feel guilty and they will probably try and palm him off with someone else, he should not be made to feel unwanted.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

This poor boy, he clearly loves you to confide in you. I would feel very torn too, because he is abandoned enough already and sending him to someone else would just make him feel even more. 12 days is such a long time to leave him, I don’t even know what I would do

It's a bit heart-breaking.

I think I'd be inclined to rearrange if you can - for his sake - but I would make it very clear to them you are having to do this, and ask for any financial loss to be covered.

If you’re able to rearrange your plans I would but you shouldn’t really have to so I can see why you wouldn’t want to do this.
perhaps you could share care with whoever else they may have lined up for the 12 days. Does this boy get a holiday too at some point? Seems incredibly mean.

I was wondering about his holiday too.

this is a very difficult situation and you clearly care very deeply for the boy. however, you shouldnt agree to something that seems too much out of guilt for saying no. id explain that a few days is all you feel comfortable doing. perhaps you could offer to watch him for part of the time.

I would not be able to forgive myself if I refuse to look after him, it's just very inconvenient for me. I was planning on spending time with friends, I still will because they adore him but it just means that we'll have to be home at a certain time.

Same here, I want to ask them when exactly are they planning on taking him on holiday!

It's just so unfair on him, I can't get my head around why they don't want to take him with them.

He hasn't had a real holiday for about a year now, and I don't want to over step boundaries and ask why this is.

You could suggest you and him going somewhere, sounds like they can afford it.

I think your post is quite outing if the mother reads mumsnet.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

I would say no. You have other plans and this is a massive ask of you.

You are NOT the boy’s mother. They are putting you in the position of being so. Which is unfair on you but especially unfair on him.

They have already offered this, there was also suggestion that I could take him somewhere abroad, I don't particularly feel comfortable with doing that. I am honoured at the fact that they trust me.

The thing that upsets me is that he is such a lovely child, inside and outside, every time we go out together he always get compliments on the way he looks.

Weird that they don’t have anyone else who can have him for some of those days. Why not counter with 5 or 7 days instead of 12?

I have no idea.....

I never question them, but yes it's very weird.

🙄

Yes they have already suggested this, I do not feel comfortable taking him abroad alone.

@BlankStreetMatcha

I am honoured at the fact that they trust me.

You shouldn’t feel honoured. They are just taking the piss out of you. They’ve found someone who is a good carer for their son, who their son likes, so now they can take total advantage of you and your time.

These are not nice people.

Yes, it very well could be.

However, I can guarantee you that she doesn't read mumsnet.

I do feel as if they take advantage out of me, they know I have their sons best interest at heart. It just gets too much for me sometimes, it almost feels like he is my child. I have had relationships break down because of it, yes they pay me very well but it's not worth it.

Do you get extra money? If so I'd be looking to say yes but you have plans those dates and suggest alternatives.

I'd also be listening to the boy when he tells you his feelings. It sounds a bit like you invalidate them with your responses ( sorry not your intention I am sure). It sounds like you might be the only adult he talks to though so I'm sure he'd like to feel heard.

Have you ever broached this with the parents? That might need it pointing out that their kid actually misses them when theyre not there or suggestions of what would make their son feel better

Would you rearrange your life for any other job?

I think it’s madness you’d enable this tbh. Just say no.

Then why not leave?

Op I understand where you are coming from.

I used to care for two children from a very complex family. Some days I’d be waking them up in the morning and then tucking them back into bed. The parents would spend a fortune on gifts but they’d be totally off the mark.

I remember the turmoil I felt when one asked to move in with me and ‘my dad only says he loves me in front of other people’. The other one said how he hated Fridays as that meant two days without me (their parents would feed them but I think zero interaction/would use teenagers as babysitters as they were cheaper..)

They moved away in the end but I look the kids up on social media. I’m half expecting a knock on the door.

Yes, they always pay me extra when I agree to take care of him outside of term time.

I always want to ask him why he hates his parents, but I don't feel as it if it my place to question him, then it could escalate into something. I do worry about him, because both parents "seem" lovely and genuine, having said that I do not know what goes on behind closed doors.

No I don't dare to broach anything with his parents, I feel as there are certain boundaries that I can't cross, even though they class me as "family"

No I wouldn't, but there is a child involved in this situation.