Nanny Dilemma

[BlankStreetMatcha]

I feel terrible for bring this problem to here, I have no children of my own so I would like some advice from other mothers.

So....

I am currently Nanny to a 12 year old boy, this is my sixth year working with this family, they are lovely people and I am really enjoy being part of their family and they've always treated me very well.

Now the Dilemma is Mum & Dad want to take a 12 day holiday alone and they've asked if I could take care of their son in the meanwhile. I have never minded helping them out in the past, a few days here and there, I don't feel as if they realise that I have a life of my own, and them dragging me away from it can be a huge inconvenience at times.

I find it very hard to say no, simple reason he is the most sweetest child you'd ever come across, and he has always been an absolute pleasure to take care of.

It seems like Mum & Dad do not want him or only want him with them when it's convenient for them i.e family events etc, they haven't attended parents evening for years, it's always been left down to me, which I don't mind, but I just can't comprehend why they don't feel the need to have any input in his school life or his life in general.

During the last couple of months there has been a few times when he has randomly expressed that he hates his Mum & Dad, I have never asked him why, because I don't feel as if it is my business or my right to question him further, and he is at that age children tend to start expressing themselves. I just tell him that they love him very much and then change the subject.

I feel as they believe showering him with the most expensive gifts, ludicrous clothing brands and the latest gadgets makes up for the time unspent with him and I just can't understand why they don't want to bring him along with them on their holiday.

I had made plans and now I feel as if it's my only option to cancel them, if I say no I am instantly going to feel guilty and they will probably try and palm him off with someone else, he should not be made to feel unwanted.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

I have already agreed to look after him, but in future I will stand up for myself. I still don't understand why they don't want him with them, he is no trouble at all.

I am going to ask him where he would like to go, I will not feel comfortable taking him on a airplane but anywhere else will be completely fine, I will use the money that they've paid me.

No, don't do that. You shouldn't be paying the expenses of taking this child on holiday out of the overtime pay you are receiving. Ask the parents to fund the trip.

I am going to ask him where he would like to go, I will not feel comfortable taking him on a airplane but anywhere else will be completely fine, I will use the money that they've paid me

Don't you dare use the money they've paid you! They've offered to pay for a holiday for the two of you, and I'm sure will do so willingly.

Seriously, you don't seem to have a single boundary. You really worry me. This is NOT your child. You are an employee. You need time to have a life of your own. And you DO NOT spend your own money on a peak season UK holiday for someone else's child.

Honestly, I think you need some counselling. If you were my daughter I'd be really worried about you. You seem to have lost all sense of being a person in your own right, who should have her own life outside work.

I know the situation pulls at your heart strings, this is so sad, but if you agree once they will always expect it. Give them an inch they take a mile. Don't cancel your plans. At the end of the day the DB your nannying is work, try not to let it become personal. But by all means be there for him and let him lean on you in your work hours x

Are you a qualified British Nanny - as you do seem to be taken advantage of.

Yes I am.

The parents have created a really dysfunctional situation for all of you, including themselves if they actually want to have a good relationship with their child. They might not realise the damage they are causing until it's too late, when their child's resentment of them is too great. That is their well deserved loss. Unfortunately, nothing you do can make up for their disinterest in their child. He will always know you did what his parents wouldn't.

They are forcing you into a role that is way beyond normal (i.e. attending parents' evenings etc.). It is incredibly kind of you to go along with that, but it isn't sustainable. You can't continue to rarely have holidays. You can't put your life on hold for someone else's child. Won't you want one of your own at some point? What if they decide to move? Would you be prepared to relocate so he has continues to have the stability of you in his life?

I'm thinking having one nanny, an employee who could be dismissed at any time, raise a child is precarious. How would you feel about suggesting that you find and train another part-time nanny who, over time you could trust to fill in for you when their lifestyle makes it difficult to have a life of your own?

My Mother has raised her concerns, she is not happy that I haven't been able to live my own life since I have been working with this family. I want to settle down and have children of my own.

There are not many nannies that would want to be a full time Nanny for a 12 year old.

It's boring - the child is at school 5 days a week, and I expect nanny has at least one day off at the weekend.
Yes Independent schools have more holidays than state ones, but it's still a long boring day whilst child is at school.

Be sure that you are well paid for this additional childcare. Get a good budget for local activities, taxis and restaurants/cafes. Be sure to get your own paid holidays in place for when the parents return.

why on earth would you spend your own money on going on holiday?

The parents need to pay for any expenses hotels food travel going out everything

@BlankStreetMatcha you could consider centre parcs. Really safe and loads to do for both of you. It sounds like they can afford it.

Going against the grain here, but I really don’t think you are helping the child in the long run. Surely his parents need to take more responsibility and daily care for him.
By agreeing to this you are facilitating their neglect of him.
If you said no then they wouldn’t be able to go and it might give them pause for thought?

How old are you, @BlankStreetMatcha ? Apologies if you've said and I've missed it.

Your mum is right to be worried and unhappy. And I agree with a pp that this is not good for the child. He will/has become so dependent on you that it's massively bad for you both.

I can only reiterate what I said earlier in the thread. It's time for you to talk to the parents as a professional. Let them know that you're concerned about him, about his lack of connection with them, about him seeing his friends having holidays with their parents, and the risk of him feeling neglected and unloved. Going on holidays with his nanny is no compensation for his mum and dad. Say that you're concerned that he's seeing you as his parent, which is dangerous as you won't be around forever.

You have your own life to live and the space to have your own relationship and children. You might want to remind them of that.

I don’t have any advice for you in your situation because what you ‘should’ do and what you ‘should’ say is very easy for people to advise but from reading your posts you can clearly see that you’re more than just a Nanny to this boy. I do however just want to say that he is very lucky to have you and for the rest of that boys life he will always remember the care you’ve given him and will forever appreciate you. I think you probably typed this more out of frustration because you already knew from the minute the parents asked you that you was going to cancel your own plans for the boy. I feel for you because that is really annoying and it is unfair for them to put you in this position. As crap as the situation is, remind yourself in those 12 days that you’re making such a difference to his life just by being in it. You sound lovely x

Are you in the UK? It would be highly unusual in the UK for a 14/15/16 year old to be taken to and from school by a nanny.

The school must have concerns with you attending all parents evenings in place of the parents. And being the one to attend routine and emergency medical appointments too.

I understand you care for the boy, but if this is true then you must share your concerns. If the family is "lovely" then set out to them how they are not meeting their son's basic emotional needs. If not then with the school who can refer to SS who can support with parenting. You need to plan for a time when you are not there and ensure this child will have some involvement and care from his parents.

Bloody hell
It sounds like child abuse smothered in wealth

You could offer to take him on a UK based holiday where he would be able to enjoy activities that he would enjoy, under professional tuition - surfing, climbing, football, gaming, music - whatever he enjoys. This would reduce the time you are in sole control of him and give you spare time to recharge your battery! You need paying for your 24/12 care, it's not a normal nanny week.

I am 28 years of age, I always wanted to be settled down and have my own child by the age I am at now.

I just feel very drained at the moment, I need to leave to care for him soon, next time I will definitely stand up for myself.

Yes, that's what I plan to do. We will have a look once I am there and his parents have left, they have paid me £6.5K for the 12 days and I will be reimbursed for the money spent on our getaway.

OP, just focus in the meantime on having a lovely time with him.

What part of the country are you based in (very roughly)? Maybe we could suggest a few holiday or day trip ideas.

Then you can decide how you want to proceed when the parents return and you get some down-time.

I am in the UK, he is 12 now. I am sure as he gets older his parents will arrange for a car to take him and collect him.

I do want to share my concerns with his parents but I don't want them to feel as if I am being rude and disrespectful.

Poor kid… Can you speak to his school counsellor about it perhaps? (After this?) They might have some more insight.
Why the hell do these people have kids? I bet if they had a snappy little white dog it would be going everywhere in a designer handbag and travelling first class.

I am based in London, so we are obviously going to have to venture out. I am going to ask the parents for a break once they get back, I need time for myself.

It is not my place to speak to the school about it, I feel as if I would be betraying the family. I am already betraying them by posting on here.