Nanny Dilemma

[BlankStreetMatcha]

I feel terrible for bring this problem to here, I have no children of my own so I would like some advice from other mothers.

So....

I am currently Nanny to a 12 year old boy, this is my sixth year working with this family, they are lovely people and I am really enjoy being part of their family and they've always treated me very well.

Now the Dilemma is Mum & Dad want to take a 12 day holiday alone and they've asked if I could take care of their son in the meanwhile. I have never minded helping them out in the past, a few days here and there, I don't feel as if they realise that I have a life of my own, and them dragging me away from it can be a huge inconvenience at times.

I find it very hard to say no, simple reason he is the most sweetest child you'd ever come across, and he has always been an absolute pleasure to take care of.

It seems like Mum & Dad do not want him or only want him with them when it's convenient for them i.e family events etc, they haven't attended parents evening for years, it's always been left down to me, which I don't mind, but I just can't comprehend why they don't feel the need to have any input in his school life or his life in general.

During the last couple of months there has been a few times when he has randomly expressed that he hates his Mum & Dad, I have never asked him why, because I don't feel as if it is my business or my right to question him further, and he is at that age children tend to start expressing themselves. I just tell him that they love him very much and then change the subject.

I feel as they believe showering him with the most expensive gifts, ludicrous clothing brands and the latest gadgets makes up for the time unspent with him and I just can't understand why they don't want to bring him along with them on their holiday.

I had made plans and now I feel as if it's my only option to cancel them, if I say no I am instantly going to feel guilty and they will probably try and palm him off with someone else, he should not be made to feel unwanted.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

Sounds like you might be right.
It’s so sad.

I am going to ask him where he would like to go/visit, they'd have no issue with this.

Isn’t that why they employ a nanny? There wouldn’t be much point for a 12 year old boy if they had to scrabble around looking for childcare.

Absolutely agree. @BlankStreetMatcha you sound truly lovely, and the boy clearly sees that. So sorry for your dilemma. I hope the parents start to pay attention to their DS before it is too late.

The Father just doesn't seem interested and Mother is always busy.

It's just not school appointments, it's all appointments e.g doctors/dentist etc

There was a situation last year where he wasn't feeling too good during the night, he went into his parents room and his Father got annoyed so he knocked on my bedroom door, he had a very high temperature so I took him to A&E just to be on the safe side.

There had previously been a situation a few years prior, he wasn't feeling well for the whole day, it was the end of the day and I was getting ready to leave. His Mother had put him on the sofa in the living room to keep a close eye on him, something told me to go back to the house, when I returned he was fitting, because his temperature had got so high and she didn't even realise because she was pre-occupied. Since that incident, anytime he has a high temperature I stay by him and monitor him, and if it gets too high we go to A&E.

Goodness, how heartbreaking.

Seems they are taking advantage of you. Your time is your time, not to holiday with your employers child.

Does he have any friends?

I think you will have to stand your ground @BlankStreetMatcha otherwise you will forever be at their mercy, until you leave.

He has lots of friends, he is very popular.

Does he have anyone to talk to?
You sound lovely OP and he’s lucky to have you. However he tried to confide in you about his feelings and you shut him down. I’m not blaming you, but I worry that he’ll be storing problems for further down the line if he doesn’t have an outlet.
This goes way beyond the holiday issue.

Oh and I would cancel your plans. It shouldn’t be your problem but unfortunately it is 😞

Professionally, of course you shouldn’t rearrange. But at a human level, I think I’d want to. Poor lad.

I don't think he does, he only has his friends.

Sounds like emotional blackmail to me.
@BlankStreetMatcha will have no life of her own, if she cancels her plans.

At least he would get a holiday. And perhaps not feel so excluded by his parents going on holiday without him.

It’s up to her. But I know what I would do.

I'd happily do it for £300 per 24 hours and then take a nice holiday myself afterwards.

It can’t just be me who’s thinking ‘Matilda’ OP is Miss Honey, they’ll be asking her to adopt him next so they can go off on their holidays! Awful they don’t show him interest, go to parents evening etc. As others have said he’s lucky to have you and you’re lovely for going above and beyond

What happens when you take annual leave normally? Do they have anyone else who steps in?

Make sure to also charge them an overnight fee.

Just because you love the child doesn't mean you shouldn't be compensated for your work.

Not your child though. I think you’re too emotionally involved. You sound so lovely and caring but this isn’t your family or your life and I’d hate to think you’re missing out on your own because of their selfish expectations.

This is so sad OP.

It sounds like you’re the only real parent to this poor child. Reminds me of Christopher Robin Milne and his attachment to his Nanny.

Have the parents ever discussed how long they expect to employ you?

Sorry for the late reply, in answer to your question the most time I have taken on annual leave is 4 days at a time, no they don't have anyone else who steps in.

I will be here until he is 16 years of age, I dread to think what will happen after that, hopefully as he gets older they will be more keen to parent him.

I’d rearrange on this occasion but make it clear any future events like that, to check dates with you before booking if they expect you to cover. Then if next time they ask you, having booked a holiday, and you are busy, you can just say no.

Do his school understand the situation? Worth having a conversation with them if you can. They may have mentoring schemes to put him in touch with another adult who can support him. They probably have counselling available too.

You can't change the parents. You can give the child plenty of opportunities to develop his own skills and close relationships.

You can maybe help him look to places where he might find chosen family in years to come - high level sport, joining the army etc.

I can see the temptation for him when he's a bit older to fall in with people who are up to no good. Assuming there's a lot of money around which makes him a target - does he understand how to not advertise his wealth while walking down the street/ with people he doesn't know well.

Are there aunts/uncles/grandparents you could visit with him?

Also consider that at twelve the social implications of being collected from school by an adult aren't the same as when you're six. Is he at a point when he'd want to try travelling to school by bus?

I imagine he will vote with his feet at 16 and they’ll find it’s far too late to parent him, or do anything other than pay for his choices.