Nanny Dilemma

[BlankStreetMatcha]

I feel terrible for bring this problem to here, I have no children of my own so I would like some advice from other mothers.

So....

I am currently Nanny to a 12 year old boy, this is my sixth year working with this family, they are lovely people and I am really enjoy being part of their family and they've always treated me very well.

Now the Dilemma is Mum & Dad want to take a 12 day holiday alone and they've asked if I could take care of their son in the meanwhile. I have never minded helping them out in the past, a few days here and there, I don't feel as if they realise that I have a life of my own, and them dragging me away from it can be a huge inconvenience at times.

I find it very hard to say no, simple reason he is the most sweetest child you'd ever come across, and he has always been an absolute pleasure to take care of.

It seems like Mum & Dad do not want him or only want him with them when it's convenient for them i.e family events etc, they haven't attended parents evening for years, it's always been left down to me, which I don't mind, but I just can't comprehend why they don't feel the need to have any input in his school life or his life in general.

During the last couple of months there has been a few times when he has randomly expressed that he hates his Mum & Dad, I have never asked him why, because I don't feel as if it is my business or my right to question him further, and he is at that age children tend to start expressing themselves. I just tell him that they love him very much and then change the subject.

I feel as they believe showering him with the most expensive gifts, ludicrous clothing brands and the latest gadgets makes up for the time unspent with him and I just can't understand why they don't want to bring him along with them on their holiday.

I had made plans and now I feel as if it's my only option to cancel them, if I say no I am instantly going to feel guilty and they will probably try and palm him off with someone else, he should not be made to feel unwanted.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

In your situation
I'd get them to book you both a holiday abroad that you would both enjoy at the same time they are away .
Somewhere you don't have to cook ,with things to do for his age and a pool .
Well if they are offering,that's what I'd do

Please do give him opportunity to talk about this. He needs help, poor boy. So glad for him that be has you.

It just gets too much for me sometimes, it almost feels like he is my child. I have had relationships break down because of it,

This is SO unhealthy and I'm amazed that no-one else has picked up on it. It's as if you are not a person on your own right. You've never had a break from your job for more than four days. You've lost more than one relationship because of this. You are seriously going to cancel your own holiday plans for these people. To them you are just a handy robot that they can program with every single element of parenting. And you're letting them do it, at a cost to your own personal life and relationships.

As a nanny you should be communicating with the parents about your charge's needs. Yet you're afraid to do so. That is how you're letting him down. Not by saying to his parents 'sorry but I have already made plans, and no I'm not prepared to shelve them for you'.

Why not? You are the one looking after him, take him abroad somewhere you would both enjoy.

I do not think they school have picked up on the situation, and I also don't feel as if it is my place to speak with them, I would never cross any boundaries.

He attends a fee paying school, so it is unlikely that he will fall in with people who are up to no good.

It would be nice for him to visit family members but he never speaks about them or asks to visit.

There will never be an option for him to travel to school alone, as he could easily be a target.

It would be a huge responsibility for me, I just think what if something terrible were to happen, I would never be able to forgive myself.

I am going to start standing up for myself, but he has been a big part in my life for the past 6 years now, if it wasn't for him and his family I would never be able to have obtained the things I have. His parents have been so good to me, that's why I find it very difficult to say no to them.

Incredible as other posters have said some people shouldn't have children, they are just an inconvenience.
There was a similar post a few months ago where the mother was going away with the new bf, the child was young and missed the mother terribly and counting the day until her DM was back, very sad

So say "I'm a bit concerned about J. I think it's quite hard for him to have you go on holiday without him. I'm picking up a lot of sadness when he sees his other friends having family holidays. I wonder if there might be an opportunity for you to have a short trip that you enjoy as a family of three?"

(And no, you won't be going with them because he needs to connect with them, and you tell them that)

This is so very sad. I can’t offer any advice, but I read recently about a couple in New York, from very wealthy families, who literally moved into another apartment once their twins were born, to have them cared for 24/7 by nannies.

I’ll always remember the example of Winston Churchill - he was ‘deposited’ in a grand house in London as a very young child, while his parents remained in the US, and was basically brought up by staff. No wonder he suffered from depression..

You sound absolutely lovely OP.

I really feel for this poor boy. The lack of care from his parents when he has been unwell is worrying as is his comments about hating his parents.

I would say that this is a possible safeguarding issue. Any decent school who knew about this would raise it with SS. Is he telling people at school? Have his friends or friends’ parents picked up on the situation?

BTW even fee paying schools have ‘undesirables’ on their roll.

As to what you should do in this situation, it may be better to go with them, you may be looking after him all the time but they will be ultimately responsible for him.

Good luck.

Thank you 💐

I can not answer the following questions because I do not know.

They want to go away alone, there was never any offer of me going along with them.

What would he be a target of and by who ?

You’ve crossed professional boundaries and are enabling the parent’s behaviour.
You are a paid employee and you need to make that clear. What are your contracted hours? That needs to be the starting point for the conversation that has to be had. So to say “12 days of full time sole charge is way above my contracted hours of xxx. It is not my professional duty to provide that level and length of care so you can holiday”. (Similarity, next time the child is ill in the night, you bang on the parent’s door and tell them their child needs to be taken by them to A&E).

Maybe I am just being silly.

We are located in an area where the robbery crime rate is at all time high, last week a young man was murdered for his expensive watch, he also wears a very distinctive school uniform.

My contracted hours are 7.30am - 6.30pm but most days I end up leaving after 6.30pm.

That little boy is lucky to have you in his life as his parents can't even be bothered to take him to hospital when he's very sick, fitting is quite dangerous. As l said previously some people shouldn't have children, money doesn't replace love and care.

That's why I will alway go above and beyond for him, at first I was feeling very guilty about posting on here, but now I don't.

They leave tomorrow and I am certain that they haven't even spent any quality time with him today.

Poor child. I was a nanny for 20yrs. Often looked after the Children while parents went away to ski or few days in the sun

but

the huge diff is that they then took their children on a family holiday as well

I would get 2/3w off in one go

you don’t have that ? Have you never gone away for 2w with friends or a partner

yours don’t do that. Very sad. Poor child

and to not go to parents evening / let alone the story about knocking on dads door and being told to go away and you took to hosp

I would have been banging on their door and saying you need to go to a&e now with your child.

they will never change. Maybe better to stay there and get redundancy in 4ths or so

but I would have said I have plans so can’t do a&b night zz

I think you sound wonderful OP. A member of my family had the sort of parents that it sounds as if your charge has and the caregivers around my relative were absolutely essential to him becoming a loving and functioning adult. I would echo an earlier poster about helping him find a new type of “found family” through sport or an interest. And making friends with the nicer of his school friends’ parents as a way of giving him more role models. It’s sad to say that but IME the school may not be willing to intervene.

Loads of terrible things have already happened and you have been the one to pick up the pieces each time, if something terrible happened he would be with the person who knew exactly what to do right?

I think that as far as working those 12 days and rearranging things. I would talk to them about getting more help like another babysitter so you don't have to change your plans and you have a bit more flexibility. TBF in any other situation most 12yr olds can be left alone for some amount of time.

I think I would probably rearrange my plans if the only other option was for him to be with a stranger for those 12 days. Is that the only option, are there no grandparents, family or family friends who could look after him, even just for the days you'd had plans for? Who looks after him when you go on holiday?

They sound bloody awful! I understand your dilemma op. They are definitely taking advantage but the poor boy is caught in the middle. Personally, I’d take him away somewhere lovely and get them to pay. And negotiate extra time off (more than 4 days!!) when you get back. You’ve been his nanny for 6 years, you are obviously a very caring, kind and more than competent person. Take him away, you can both get some sun in a new environment. It might distract him from the fact that his parents have ditched him, yet again, and you might enjoy it? You could plan it together.
As an aside, I do not understand why people have children if this is how they treat them?

I am going to ask him where he would like to go, I will not feel comfortable taking him on a airplane but anywhere else will be completely fine, I will use the money that they've paid me.

They should never have had kids, I always wondered why they only had one child. I am realising now that it was only to keep up appearances.

If I said no, they'd probably just palm him off with someone else. I rarely take a break, but when I do his parents look after him.

I think he is used to this, but at his age it isn't something he should be used to. He is just going to grow to resent them.